The issues I had of the previous week socially — extreme hate for people — took a greater toll than I had a chance to discuss.
As mentioned, I joined a few organizations to improve my career status: Elks, Kiwanis, Toastmasters. I was supposed to go to the Elks and Kiwanis meetings this past week but failed to do so. I can use the excuse that I was working, which I was, but truthfully I didn’t want to see anyone. Did not want to talk to anyone.
I can’t explain this burning hate. Almost psychotic. Very much allergic of being around people. I can’t quite say agoraphobic; I don’t mind going out. It’s just any place groupings of people are going to be, you WON’T find me. Parties, sporting events, clubs, bars, etc, etc. The movies is okay, but these days people using their phones in the theaters DURING the movie makes me want to go ballistic.
So I didn’t go to the initial meetings for those organizations and it depressed me. You see, I KNOW I have to do better. I’m trying. That’s why I reached out to join these things.
Toastmasters was Tuesday night at 6:30pm. I brought my application and my money order for club fees. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like the people who were talking and speaking (the point of Toastmasters, right?) were annoying me to the core.
So I left. Handed my application and fees and left early.
Once out, I felt an overwhelming calm. Like that feeling you might get from being released from prison. Like the world was finally open to me.
Makes NO sense why I feel that way but here it is. I’ve always felt this way, honestly. It’s just me trying to fight it these days.
The problem is, based on some 48 years of personal study, I am to understand I don’t LOOK anti-social.
People see me and think not only am I going to steal their pussy; like I’m some sort of pretty boy player — they say I look like I would date a white girl. Often called serious. Often handsome.
The point of view of myself is far, far less than what others see. I think of myself as a joke just getting by. Never sure why I was ever married before or now. What drew women to me. Lots of sex over the years but, in my head, I think I mostly caught women during a ‘hunger’ rather than a ‘wanting choice’. Kind of like how a fat girl gets laid by random strangers. Would the guy fuck her by choice? Nope. She’s there. Nobody needs to know. She’s willing to take the dick. Get off and move on. I think that has been why I’ve gotten so much ass over the years: I’m that fat bitch. lol.
Seriously, I have to control this anti-social situation. No I don’t want to get back on Lexipro. The shit makes me nauseous and a zombie over time. With low sex drive.
Interestingly, I found drinking (liquor) opens me up a little. Yeah, that sounds funny because that’s what drinking is supposed to do. I don’t drink so it’s a whole new layer of shit I have to consider.
I don’t have an addictive trait so being an alcoholic wouldn’t be the problem.
I have to test this out. Maybe this week.
In the past, I found taking a little swig of alcohol (on an empty stomach) relaxed me to talk to anyone. Too much made me say too much (lololol) … just enough allowed me to not give a fuck about who’s around me.
So, cheaper than drugs, I’ll consider buying “liquid courage” and go to the next toastmasters meeting.
The problem with alcohol is the smell. People can always tell when someone is drinking. I sure can. Maybe it’s those who drink too much. Like it coming out of their pores. Like smokers. I don’t want to be THAT guy.
If my drinking sums up to one small glass, once a month, when needed, I guess it can’t be that bad. Just to get over some social hurdles.
See what you have to do in order to deal with people?
myJournal 