Exit Clock Started

November 21st 2017

I lost semi-control today. All indications point toward an eventual breakdown if I don’t tighten things up.

The job is very stressful. Much more stressful than I remember it being. Maybe it’s because there’s a host of female management in the store—maybe it’s because I’m a different person than I was back 15 years or so. Wow. 19 years since I was I first started with Walmart and left the company?

Yeah, I am different. We acknowledged that I am not that same person. Not by a long shot.

Still, working for women is like working for an erratic, sinking boat: no matter what’s happening, make sure the boat looks pretty. But we’re fucking sinking.

I snapped at the store manager over the radio today so, naturally, that was addressed. I was wrong… I know that. Second time I snapped at these fools, really. Look back at the Santa Claus entry.

So, they sat me down and wanted to know what’s wrong. Why do I ‘spazz out’ every once and awhile? Their words, not mine.

Spazz out.

Heavy sigh.

What am I doing here? In Walmart. All I kept thinking when she spoke about a whole bunch of bullshit on leadership, respect, etc.

Somewhere in her speech, I told her I declined the ‘future leadership’ position. I think that was for the best, really. I don’t want to be an assistant manager. I don’t want to work with retail or these people for longer than it takes to get this degree and get the fuck out.

I almost quit today. 

Bad as it is, I ‘told’ my direct manager that I was leaving. I had 30 or so minutes left before my shift ended, but I told him I had to go—like right now. I could not be in this store after I made my apologies for snapping as I did.

I was frustrated. As I’m sure everyone else is. I speak my mind. Probably not the best thing I should do. But I hate being kept silent on things that must be said.

So, I came home and slept for an hour and a half. Took a shower. Prayed. Yeah, I do that. It’s a part of my life that actually works — with evidence. Odd thing is, I often pray to say the right things at the right times and for God to guide my words.

Is that what happened today? Were things that needed to be said — said?

Well, in the end, all I feel is stupid, ashamed, and opened myself up to potential write-ups.

They asked why I was frustrated. I tell them I am called all day to do various tasks—a hundred things pulling me in different directions— and in response, the store manager tried to belittle how I felt by trying to check-off each task and wondering where my priority are. 

When some of ‘their’ priorities are ‘making the ship look pretty’ while the ship is sinking. 

While my departments have bigger priorities than what they want. Or if I’m asked to do a task by another manager, they expect me to nix him and make sure their shit is taken care of. Who am I to say no to management? I could spend the whole day saying one manager has me doing something else and I can’t do what you need. 

So I’m sitting here looking at my bottle of Lexapro. It’s an old prescription; I stopped taking it maybe a year ago, with an occasional one if I feel a lot of anxiety. Like now.

Stuff makes me nauseous. Then I’m a zombie only to eventually level out a month or so later. No desire to do anything. No passion. It kills creative energy.

When I was writing, this stuff was NOT recommended so I stopped taking it.

I’m not writing these days, so whats the excuse. Might even help me get through my school work.

I know this much: I’m sick of moving from job to job. I’m in here…Im not fired. I didn’t quit. I can still make something of this Walmart experience.

The problem is I showed them my unstable hand. My anger. Oh yes, I am angry. But I showed them it. That I reach tipping points easy. declining the future leaders shit probably didn’t help either.

Still, It’s for the best. I know it is. I feel it is. 

At the end of the discussion, they suddenly had all these people they can send over my department to help me. Suddenly, after months of asking for more help, seeing my frustration, the availability of more associates in a department that needs more people during the Christmas season, will be obliged. I told them, “It’s sad that it had to come to this for me to get more associates.”

And that right there is what I am feeling. I had to near blow up for them to make changes. We’ll see how those changes play out. We shall see.

But I’m not going to lose my mind just to get my job done. This management are fools and I’m sick of them. They drew out my anger — my fault, but now I see how far they will push souls before they do something smart. Or at least ‘say’ they will do something smart.

So maybe I did say what needed to be said:

“I officially decline future leadership. I do not want to be an assistant manager.”

It stunned them but so what.

What it did was officially start my exit clock with the company. I’ll still do my best with the departments I have but — you know what — I already said it here in this journal: long enough to til getting the bachelors degree.

What I really need is a new plan.

And a new prescription.