Mindfulness

May 7th, 2018

Three things I learned today:

1) My inability to focus on things runs deep. 

I attempted a simple mindfulness exercise today: lay down, breathe evenly and think of an apple sitting on a chair and hold that thought.

Not only did I fall asleep multiple times, but when I snapped myself back awake to refocus on an apple/chair, I literally fought to maintain that simple vision. Either it was clouded and I couldn’t reform the vision, or I easily shifted into another thought. It was a battle that demanded I keep repeating “apple on a chair, apple on a chair” multiple times. Even then, I lost the image. Drifted. Constantly.

The answer to this problem: I’m going to fight through this and practice meditation each day until I can focus on one thing. First, ‘an apple on a chair’. Then grow from there. Sounds silly, but let’s see how long you can do it. This will help me understand why I drift from project to project, thought to thought and lack of real focus in my school work.

2) When absolutely calm, I can feel the approach of someone I care about even from a distance.

When my mind is still, and it isn’t often, I get this ‘sinking’ feeling. Not a negative one, but a feeling like the volume of my airspace is shifting, or being filled. That’s usually when I can tell my wife or children are within range. It’s not about footsteps, hearing the car or loud noises. I’ve felt this way before and even announced someone’s arrival before they got there. Not everyone. Just people close to me. Like it’s rare they can sneak up on me. But then it’s rare that my mind is as still as it needs to be for my body to get that feeling.

The answer to this: Well, it’s not a problem. What it does is confirm if I can quiet my mind, I can feel a lot of things more than I do right now. What those things are? I have no idea, but I can probably use it to not be angry and miserable as I have been over time.

Which leads me to three …

3) I can solve ‘who I am’ without medication

I’m going to tool around and try to ‘hack’ my mind. I think I have a strong mind when unclouded, and I think much of my reality was shaped due to its inconsistency and inability to stay focused. 

What would I expect? The brain is a muscle that needs a specific type of workout and I have let it drift for years—as a source to claim to be creative with its randomness and originality — when it also led me astray. 

Something to work on.