Worn Off

May 21st, 2018

I start work today. Unusual hours of 4pm to something in the morning. From what I hear, they needed more people and they have lots of overtime. I’m to meet some guy named ‘Luis’. Here’s my interpretation:

Mostly Spanish speaking workers with highly rotational employment of idiots that don’t want to do any work. Spanish people got the better hours of daytime hours and lots of Blacks working the night shift. Spanish people there don’t even try to speak English and Blacks there don’t even try. Only White people there are supervisors and managers.

That was the same setup at that warehouse job I had last year. I’ll bet you a $1.00 it’s the same here. I’m going to come in and be the odd man out.

Anyway, the Zoloft wore off. In fact, it faded off yesterday. I have more, but I wanted to document the timing. I took it Saturday night around 10pm, but the effects started on me around 2AM. Couldn’t sleep and overheating. For much of the morning when I did wake up, sluggish and very slow. Also dry mouth and thirsty.

What it did do is silence the extra thoughts. When I say extra ‘thoughts’, it’s my mind replaying memories I deem embarrassing or regretful. Think of something you did awkward at a party, then a year later, out of nowhere, your mind remembers that segment of time for NO reason (maybe a song, a smell or something someone said); causing you to wince or react for the stupidity you believe happened. That’s what goes on with me: a mind forced to replay the sadness, awkwardness, etc, etc. A private kind of hell and my memory is DEEP. I’m being shown things from elementary school that, yes, did happen. Not hallucinations. Not delusions. Memories.

I have explored meditation and attempts at rerouting my thoughts. There is a certain level of thought redirection I can actually do. At one point, I used to imagine this box and everytime a random thought I did not want to come up, I would throw it in the box. Sounds strange, I know. But it worked. I was usually able to catch the thought just as it started, and in the box, it went. Barely any time for my mind to consciously recognize ‘what’ that thought was about. Kind of like willfully forgetting something. 

The problem I noticed is those thoughts, in that box, actually, have weight. Incredibly, these thoughts actually back up and clog my system somehow. Many, many MANY times I try this “throw it in the box” routine, after awhile, the box breaks and the emotional residue of those thoughts flood me. Those are usually the worst weeks. The weeks that are darker than dark. When I don’t try the ‘box’ method, I go long stretches of time without being morbidly depressed, but I am forced to view my life’s moments. It’s like they have to happen. Like a running faucet. Stop the flow, it will explode. Keep it running, and all is relatively fine. Not good. Just fine.

The pills kept them in check moderately, giving me a foggy clarity. And if something did pop up in the mind, I was too slow to care.

Right now, my mind is racing. Normally a good thing. Getting more writing done. 

I did not take Zoloft last night, deciding to take it today (AM) with some food. Haven’t taken it yet. I wanted to monitor the difference between my rate of typing now compared to yesterday. I’m writing faster and pushing the thoughts of what I want to write much more fluent. Yesterday’s journal entry was slow and full of errors I had to back up and correct. I mentioned long before I could not write on Lexapro. I definitely shouldn’t write while on Zoloft.

With my school work at 95% writing, that’s a problem.

Having said that, does Zoloft affect anything else I do? Working? Driving?

I’m so fucked. Why can’t I just be normal?

I can’t take the pill now cause I need it to write. I probably shouldn’t take the pill to pay attention to a new job. But I need the pill to be a subdued version of normal.

It’s funny. I know exactly when the Zoloft wore off. It was around noon yesterday. I suddenly started getting those random thoughts and memories back and I was waking from that zombie-like state too have an emotional feeling about it. The Zoloft curbed the emotions. By late afternoon, I was writing a little (schoolwork), after much of the day not interested in it at all.

Yeah, I’m going to skip Zoloft today. The thoughts come, but I’m not ‘manic’ like I was last week or super depressed. I think the pill worked ‘enough’ and probably works enough when I need it as opposed to when I don’t. Probably not the way it is recommended to work, but I have to NOT be foggy in the head when starting this job. I might consider taking it AFTER work if the medicine is expected to wear off by the time I go BACK to work.