July 1st, 2018
Happy Anniversary. This journal started exactly one year ago in July. Still in school. Still on track to graduate. Law school? It’s on the possible horizon and it’s something I still want. Getting there has been a lesson on early strategy. Like, I need to follow another path JUST to afford to follow another path.
What this journal also does for me is chart a pattern that I always kinda knew was there. I needed to understand when and why moments of depression happen and, through this journal, after looking back at each entry that I posted with a tag of #depressed purposely, it’s clear once a month, every month, there are a few days (average of 3-4) that the feeling of depression cycles through.
A feeling of lifelessness, drained, zero-desire to do anything (including live), emptiness of value. A moment where I feel nothing is going right, will ever go right, and I need to end it.
Then, almost miraculously, that feeling goes away. Like a cloud lifted. New ideas. New desires. I feel confident to accomplish something. I desire to do things. Even meet people.
Once a month.
A fucking cycle.
Christ —- I got a fucking period. A male menstrual cycle.
I got to fix this. But how? Chemically uncontrollable. Based on my record from this journal, it happens around the middle and end of the month. Depends on what I am doing kind of holds it off into the later part of the month.
Like now. I was feeling VERY depressed yesterday and into today. So call it the end of June, into July. But I am not working at the moment. When I was working last month, it came around, but I was too distracted by work and school work to really let it swallow me. I’m home at the moment, so it’s having its way with me.
Work, satisfying or not, seems to be enough to subdue its effects—but don’t get it twisted. It does come regardless.
Knowing its cycle helps in knowing how to balance life moving forward.
Do I think other people have the same issue? Of course. Without a doubt. Most people deny their issues. Do nothing about it and end up shooting up schools or businesses.
My growth toward better education wasn’t going to be linear. I’m learning about myself along the way. Who can say the same?
myJournal 