Movement

June 1st, 2019

The move from Tumblr to WordPress was almost flawless. Out of the 180 posts that I had over at Tumblr, 179 appeared. The very first post never made it for some reason.

No big deal.

Today is Saturday. On Monday, a few good things will be happening this week.

Going back to school (regardless of being handed College Algebra on the first day).

My wife’s grandchildren are FINALLY getting the fuck out and going back home to their tramp mother. I see no real hope for them over there. They’ll gain weight again, probably get some sort of cancer like their sister and I’ll be getting reports about how fucked up their lives are again.

(Shrugging) Can’t give a fuck. Maybe if they spent more time here listening and doing what they are told, it could have been different.

But honestly, they are just of a lifestyle and “being” that is 1000% incompatible with me. Everything from the way they are, to the need to put ketchup on everything they eat — they are of a perpetual ghetto practicality I can do without. Plus, I fucking hate how everything here is catered to their preferences. In my place. Look for food, and I find shit they eat that I don’t touch. So, yeah— they can get the fuck out. They don’t want to be here anyway. I sure as hell don’t want them here.

Odd thing is, I’m rarely home — so why should it matter what they do while I’m traveling for work every week?

When I DO come home, they are the last faces I want to see. I want my space and time back to ME. That’s exactly what its about and I deserve it. They always argue, making some sort of noise. I really look forward to it and it’s the LAST time any kids are coming over here except my own. But even they leave.

As for school, I’m paying someone, still, to do the Algebra. Cased closed. If I squeak out a least a C, I’ll be happy.

Latest Update

5/18/2019

I understand, as of this date, Tumblr is falling out of usefulness. Considering that I planted this journal here for the long-term, I expected it to last at least past my own existence. Turns out, if you remove pornography from the mix, people loose interest. It’s an ugly telling of society. Something I’ve been saying for much of this journal.

So, the rumor has it that PornHub is looking to take over the blog service. They unquestioningly have the money to do it — then suddenly Tumblr becomes ALL porn related.

Not where I wanted to leave my personal thoughts for posterity.

Some of the goal today is to move every page of my journal to WordPress. The good news? There is information on how to do it:

https://en.support.wordpress.com/import/import-from-tumblr/

I think WordPress, from personal experience, has a longer lifespan. The most I will do, once I’m sure it will work, is transfer the details after I’m certain life at Tumblr is terminated.

With this journal, I’ve always been in a crossroad: I barely have anyone reading it, which is fine — I’m not entirely interested in answering questions. At the same time, a little recognition wouldn’t hurt — but that’s the ongoing issue with any and all writing I do. So I’m not entirely surprised.

Tumblr doesn’t exactly parse across the search engines, so it’s not as ‘found’ as WordPress. Then again, people on Tumblr post tired re-posts of the same shit and get 1000 notes over crap so I don’t get it.

Moving on, it’s getting closer to the days that these kids living here are going back home.

I’ve got to say it was an experiment that was just plain wrong.

The argument could be had that I could have been a more loving ‘step-grandparent’ and tried harder to instruct these kids.

The argument could be equally had that these are someone elses kids that need to be with their mother and I have my own kids to worry about. Additionally, I’m JUST trying to get out of a financial hole, and there’s no money extra for draining children that aren’t my own. Also, I can add, this is the third set of family members that belong to my wife that keep freeloading at our place.

I had enough.

Every day I’m cursing that that these kids are here. Every day, I see my wife likes to play the role that I have no patience with these kids but watch her snap royally at them for most every little infraction. She has little patience herself and she will tell me that about children. It’s an insane arrangement.

In order to break all financial and poorly living cycles, I am working to get out of this shit hole round and round by finding better work. Currently, I’ll be working for the federal government making $25.00/hr setting up computer networks and such. Best money I ever made thus far. Even more than my time at Walmart as an assistant manager. The problem is, it’s only four months.

Problem also is, I MIGHT be traveling and I barely trust my wife alone as it is.

Part of me doesn’t care. The quest for a ‘better life’ doesn’t really include her. It would be nice if she came along, but she’s lazy. She wants the better money but unwilling to do better for it. Just keeps compounding us with more of her family bullshit whenever they stay here.

As for ‘another woman’, these bitches can stay in their lane. Not interested. I’d rather find a way to have a stack of cash than worry about having a better woman. The better woman will come AFTER I have the stack of cash.

Even my current wife shows signs of improving her disposition only after we have money coming in. Bitches are all the same. Whores to the end.

Also, the ‘going back to school’ plan is in effect. It starts in early June. Even better that I will have a semi-ongoing job to pay for the Math classes I will be hiring someone to do for me.

I have no shame in that. The bottom line is, and I have documented it: cheating and lying is the foundation of all human progress. Anything above board is fantasy. I’m going to pass this class and tell everyone I worked hard for it: which is true — from a certain point of view.

I am fifty years old. What have I learned:

Women only respect you if you have/make money
You get a quality woman with money. How she handles you after that is your own fault. How you keep her in check is your responsibility. Example: Kim Kardashian is as quality as a blank piece of paper. BUT, with the right Kanye West money, you fill that blank paper with the quality you want it to be. If you have no money, you don’t get Kim Kardashian. You get no blank paper.
Lying/cheating is the way the world works. Get caught, you will be ostracized. Tell the truth, you will be called a punk bitch and have nothing. Prove to me someone who always tells the truth is successful. Prove it without lying to yourself in the process.

Even this job I’m getting into. To work for the feds, you have to answer whats called an e-Qip background check thing. I did it once before to try to work for FEMA.

Back then, I answered the questions truthfully. They had questions about my debt. In the end, they held up my entire process questioning “Why I have so much debt”. Fuckers. Why does ANYBODY have debt?

This time around, I pretty much said I’m debt free and all is good. Now I’m going to training in Virginia for a week.

Granted, this is a lesser job than working for FEMA — but I’m done showing people the truth. I’m going to get more things on this last half of my life.

At the very least, to leave what I can for my children. After fifty years of life, I can’t support my family being an honest man.

What Works?

April 22, 2019

If you look back about a year, just before I started school again, I was expressing that I found a terrible secret to my life — that the things that I want and desire don’t work out half as much (if at all) compared to the stuff I don’t have an interest in. The logic being: my passion for animation/film won’t work out for me, but doing something so left field, as being a lawyer, will.

Results have proven, even still, this way of thinking/being has not failed. Even though I took a break from school, I had enormous interest from my math teachers to help me get through the course. More help then I ever got to get a film off the ground, or even a damn review for one of my novels. Even as we speak, a have a novel on Amazon since last year that STILL doesn’t have a review. Good, bad or indifferent.

You know … I put my everything into that novel, too.

Anyway, I’m messing around with animation again. Trying to finish one small project.

Suddenly, my screen is going black. It’s not that Windows crashed, or the monitor is failing. Something is going on where if I am doing too much in Maya (animation program), the screen just shuts off.

Searching online gives all sorts of reasons. I know my computer is old. The graphic cards is fairly new. On and on …

It’s just I don’t remember this kind of shit when I was plugging away at school work.

(Heavy sigh)

My desensitized nature to failure helps me keep plugging away. I’m still trying to squeak out this animation. I just needed a place to vent my frustration. Never forget, that’s what this journal is about. My observations of my own life.

OH! Least I forget: my son is going through a pregnancy-scare thing. I warned him during his last one … I don’t think I mentioned it here. He has a girlfriend. He thought she was pregnant. Turns out she wasn’t. I warned him to leave her because even before she found out she wasn’t pregnant, she was thinking of keeping it. I told him that this was a warning shot ….

Wait a minute.

I am remembering an error in my own life. Something that has to do with abortions.

How having one triggers a collection of bad karma never before experienced.

You might think I’m mad, which you probably do — but let’s get to it. Long before this journal, I had another one on paper that expressed my feelings during my first marriage, the days and months before we tied the knot, and the first abortion we had.

I initiated and finalized the move to have one. It was going to be a girl. How do I know? Well, that’s complicated. Let’s just say, hours before I made the final decision, I was warned. Call it a vision.

Now, I know you’re reading this and saying where is all this coming from? Anything you can say about me is I am deeply aware of things — life’s maybe spiritual motions and how it connects with us. Not enough for me to be a fanatic, but enough for me to say “Hey. I noticed if you do this and that, results seem to be “that””

After that abortion, my relationship with my first wife fell apart. Even before we got married, but I was young and ignored the signs.

Anyway, I took my experiences and shared them with my son. He’s not ready for children, but I’m afraid if he initiates an abortion, there will be trouble. I did ask him to arrange to get a paternity test, though. Especially if she plans to keep it. They break up a lot. He suspects she’s been with other men. It’s a mess I’m familiar with.

If there was a time in my life that I need all things I am trying to do to work out, this is it. I want to help him where I had no father to help me.

Speaking of which, my biological father is dying. Dementia collapsed lung, pneumonia … it’s pretty bad. My wife tells me, based on pictures my sister(s) send of his charts and such, he won’t make it to June when I’m heading back to NY to drop her grandkids off.

How do I feel about that? This man’s death?

I never quite knew him. I would have liked too.

He makes me feel I need to mend connections with my first two sons.

His dying inspired me to write a short script about inheritance. I don’t expect anything from this man when he passes. It’s just the story-generating mind I have.

He had a hard, drug-induced life. Funny how I am 100% opposite of that lifestyle. It’s a good thing. He’s about 80 years old. I’d like to think I will surpass that age. I’m fifty right now.Mentally and physically (except for my aching hip from time to time) I feel I can do another fifty.

My kids stress me out though. lol. Grey hair rapidly forming. LOL. Welcome to being a parent.

All is Well and Getting Better

April 21, 2019

The bitch children that live with me will be going home in about 30-days. I can’t express how much I hate co-habitation with brats that don’t listen and put their grubby little hands on my food (without washing them), and generally leaving a mess. You can say all you want about needing to have a bigger heart for unfortunate children — until they live with you and don’t follow your house-rules.

So fuck ‘em. They’ll be going back to their ghetto lifestyle and I can finally eat a decent meal and walk around my place naked if I want to.

Plus I get my office back. The moment they leave I’m getting it fumigated.

Aside from that, and I appreciate this space to vent, I’m working still and building on things I wanted to do since there’s a semi-consistent paycheck rolling in.

Looking at AWS certification and A+ certification (Network + down the line as well) to get better jobs/pay.

Animating again. Writing again. Thinking of picking up audio theater production again. Looking at film again.

All this to say I’m feeling myself regardless of past complaints that being myself got me nowhere. I’d rather be going nowhere but happy than not doing the things that I love and suicidal. Therein lies the secret to personal happiness.

This is why these bastard kids need to leave.

They interrupt my personal space happiness. It is a commodity I should never EVER have to put aside for others for their benefit. Shit, I barely have anything else. I deserve to live in a place where it’s not fucked up and dirty by nasty fucking children that won’t listen.

Why don’t I make them listen?

Cause I’ll fucking kill them in the process of doing so. In order to save us all the grief, get the fuck out.

Even Better

April 7th, 2019

Life for me has improved.

I look back at the year and a half of misery, confusion, suicidal thoughts, etc and need to ask myself what changed to get me centered. I don’t even take any nootropics. No adderall. No drugs. Nothing.

Not even meditation.

What I do know about life is, there are “up’s and downs’…feast and famine. Normalcy and insanity. Times where life is good and when times are bad. Don’t get me wrong, these things are still happening.

The difference is the length of feast over famine …the amount of good days over bad … that I am controlling. Yup, it all circles back to ‘me’ and how I handle it all.

Let’s start with the first easy workable change: I’m working consistently.

Not exactly an IT job — more like a whole lot of grunt work — but I’m paid weekly good money. Also have a second job opportunity with another company to work with the census soon. I’ll have to drop one for the other if I decide to take it. I’m going through the application process. Jumped through a few of the usual federal application hurdles already so it looks good.

Both jobs will have me traveling. Both jobs have ups and downs to them.

But this journal entry has nothing to do with the jobs as much as how I have been handling life with these jobs and the people I work with.

As you know, I can’t stand people and that still stands.

So, the job I’m working with now has the largest collections of jerks and assholes anyone could possibly work with.

How do I manage? That, my friend, is where I reveal the good stuff.

It’s a little bit of everything I learned over the year especially during my time at Walmart. Remember that time I expressed the best way to ignore the people around me is to use my height and look above and beyond them?

The idea was if I looked above the heads of people and not AT people, I can focus on what’s important and stop worrying about who’s looking at me. Of course, it worked and over the year I’ve removed needing to have eye contact with anyone unless I need to speak directly.

As a result, i carry myself as arrogant, I’m sure. But guess what? The expression of arrogance and unapproachable works for me and it works on the job place.

I work with grown-ass men and they like to pick on one another. Stupid jokes, etc, etc. Some people are worse targets than others.

In past jobs, I would get mad and say something and create enemies or quit if people tried to label me as a target to joke on.

Quitting jobs put me in this financial hole. Then I’m looking for work. The circle goes round and round.

In order to keep a job, I had to improve how I handle people.

The trick for me is the ‘above and beyond’ routine — expressing a singular focus to do the job I am working on. No socializing. No joking around. Anti-social 100%.

It sounds terrible, but even my expression emits “If it isn’t about work, don’t fuck with me”

And it’s working.

People talk to me, immediately and on first contact, with cautious respect. Do you understand how much that means to me? To be left the fuck alone, but when they need to say something, it comes from a place of joke-free respect?

The problem up till now has been I left myself open to be non-confrontational, friendly black man. Not too unlike President Obama, who was disrespected every hour of his presidency by even high ranking leaders.

It’s a sad world — where you need to be considered a bitch/bastard to gain respect. And trust me, it’s never that people give respect that’s earned. You could be a Black president of the United States and still have another world leader NOT shake your hand in public.

Or you could be a new employee, greet people and do the job, and someone will find a need to say something smart-ass.

The focus on doing the job also provides consistent good results toward my financial needs so why the fuck would I care what anyone thinks of me if I’m just doing the job and keeping to myself?

The secret to my current success, believe it or not, has been a healthy amount of “Fuck everyone” and “leave me alone”. The results are showing in my freedom of thought and clear mind to get what’s important to me done.

Still haven’t been on Facebook in going on two years soon. I really have nothing to say to anyone — and I’m happy! Money is rolling in. I’m writing a little here and there and I have an animation project I’m eyeing at the end of the month to start.

People do suck — so let them burn.

Which kind of brings me to my wife’s grand-kids.

As you know, they were staying with us and these ghetto trap kids are about to go home soon. Thank god.

I had a recent heart-to-heart with my wife about what led up to this and how it will never happen again.

She literally blames me for saying “Yes” to allowing these brats stay here. No lie. if we talk about it, the conversation flow is always “Well, you should have said something different.”

This goes back to being the ‘non-confrontational asshole I was a year ago.

Her daughter’s third child was sick. She needed help with the other two. Where else were the kids to go? Of course I said yes. I didn’t want it. But what else could I have done?

Now I know what I could do: fuck no.

Especially if, being her husband, she’s telling me saying ‘no’ to help her family was on the table. That it even an option???

Then fine. Fuck it.

She has a son in New York. Age 22. I hear he’s fucking up. When we go to New York to drop the fuck-brats off, she will want to consider the idea of bringing her son back with us.

I was already over this and talked to her a few weeks ago and said: It can’t happen. Sorry about what your son is going through, but when we go to NY, it needs to only be us coming back home. I can’t live with another person under our roof no more.”

I said it politely. I know she’s troubled. Hell, it’s her son. I feel like a dick because it is her son.

But fuck it. No.

I hear her daughter is going though some shit, too.

Fuck it. No.

Not going to happen.

The price for being sane and happy is to be an asshole in the eyes of others.

What you are experiencing is the death of the “nice guy” and the birth of a person I never knew.

Someone happy.

Ex-Wife Disease

March 19th, 2019

What do you do when you love your daughter, but she’s growing up to be a fucking idiot like the ex she’s living with?

My daughter is beautiful and has the potential to be smart; but every word and everything she does drips with the stupidity of her mother. Like a fucking disabling disease, all that makes the ex is plaguing my little girl and I can’t stop or change it.

You boneheads will go about and say “well, then you shouldn’t have married her.” That line can only come from people who never been married or had a long relationship. To enlighten your own stupidity, the first rule of getting married is you don’t find out the depth of someones idiocy until after the “I do’s”.

Until then, the courting and bullshit is an Emmy award winning performance.

So, after divorce, and if the child lives with the ex-spouse, you start seeing everything that makes the ex scum start to infect your child. It’s like watching a slow death. especially if you can’t get custody.

My daughter, the eldest anyway, is a fucking idiot. Keeps locking out the debit card I gave her and wondering why these things happen.

Brainless like her mother.

Which is why it hurts twice as much.

New Direction

February 5th 2019

My last day of class was in December. I think I documented how miserable my GPA was becoming and trouble with the math class. Since then, I set school aside and went on a temporary hiatus. Recently, I made arrangements to go back to class in June/2019. It’s February 2019.

As of this moment, I have two or three jobs: something came through recently part time overnight permanent at FedEx. The rest are my usual daytime tech support jobs that pay more. I’ll be able to do both jobs while the overnight job is ongoing. At least I’ll get a regular paycheck.

These jobs will pay for someone to pass the math classes when they come around again. There’s no more back and forth over the subject. Cheating works and moves life forward.

In a world of cheaters, the honest man is the victim.

The path i’m trying to walk now is that of control.

I still hate people. People fail me every time.

But I have to work with them and learn to be less confrontational regardless of the things people say and do to me. I’ve given up asking why I am a target — even considering that maybe I just ‘think’ I’m a target, but with proven evidence that I am from time to time — and doing what I can to keep my head up silently.

It’s back to basics.

Make money. Save money. Finalize all plans.

The Challenge of Thinking Differently

December 8th, 2018

As you know, I struggle with higher math/College Algebra. It’s not that I don’t want to learn it. It’s like rubbing a cats fur the wrong way: all attempts simply don’t work. I’m not adapting.

Then last night, something a family member said when I asked her to help me with it (more evidence that I am trying), made me get a little closer to understanding the inherent split of certain kinds of people around us. Something I kind of already knew — but this conversation sealed it for me.

Truth is, anyone with ears was asked to help me with this algebra, and each person has said they don’t know it anymore nor plan to want to know it. Still, somehow, the passed it in the past. I’m not stupid to understand people cheat or work very very hard. For me, working very hard isn’t working. Cheating is costly.

So, I asked her if she could help and she didn’t know it anymore. I said “here’s proof that it’s a worthless skill with no one I know; people who are considered professional, don’t use it!”.

She went on to say, “it’s untrue. Knowing Algebra trains your brain to think a certain way.”

I wasn’t trying to argue with her, but my initial feelings were: if it helps you train your brain a certain way, then you’re not exactly the person (i.e. sheep) I want to be by the end result of learning it — then never using it — then forgetting it.

By her logic, if you’re trained by Algebra, then you should still know the skill, or at the very least, think in mathematical terms. None of which is apparent in the people I’ve asked for help. I get that algebra is great for engineers and scientists. I get that completely. None of the people I know are engineers or scientists. No…my ex wife has an engineering degree. Asked her to help: she doesn’t know it or use it. The same woman that had no clue to setup a dvd player so of course.

Yeah, so, on one hand, my family member’s answer is bullshit.

On the other hand, I get that there are plenty of people are sheep to learn a shit skill, forced by a system to learn something that doesn’t apply later in life in a direction to make everyone think the same way.

For instance, forced to get a Bachelors degree for something I self-learned and extremely qualified in … but a degree says “you learned OUR way not YOUR way.”

Then you get to the job and they barely require a 1% of your skill set that you spent thousands of dollars to an education system that just keeps reaping money to make everyone think the same way.

If you think differently, the struggle is to have anything in a world of that won’t let you have unless you do as others do.

Its very much like what the internet is turning out to be: controlled ways of thinking or what you write will not be read nor seen.

RIP Donald J. Trump

December 4th, 2018

I was taking a piss when I first heard about the death of George H. Bush. A fitting tribute to the man since the media is portraying the man a whole lot kinder than he deserves. I grew up under his presidency. He was a prick no less typical of Putin himself. Why not? Both ran the intelligent agencies of their countries at one point or another. Both men could not be trusted.

But, as presidents went, he was the classic version we were used to.

So it got me thinking. Eventually, the current president will die and the news is going to pay all sorts of respect and tributes for the high exalted prick and we’re going to try to forget that the man was a dick before he got in office and during office.

I expect to be taking a piss when I hear about his demise as well. Hopefully a thorough shit.

I was thinking, down the line, how will we try to praise this current fool in office when he dies. I’m thinking heart disease between 82 and 90. His father died at age 93. Trump is 72 (as of this writing) so you gotta figure he’s got maybe another ten years with the flab on his gut and stress of office.

Will I care when we’re told he’s dead?

Nope.

I remember the death of Nixon a few years back. Nixon died at 82! I wasn’t born during his presidency, but anyone with a solid understanding of history knew he was truly “tricky dick” of the highest order. Lying, cheating, and a general fuck bastard. But, politically, he played the game as tight as a President should.

Now, look at we got. Trump is an illegitimate president forever with a question mark over the legitimacy of votes; faking it as he goes and on the day of his death, does he really expect to get a send-off with kind memories of the fool? What legacy will he have of being an asshole dismantling everything and crying about the size of the audience at his inauguration? The economy? You don’t fucking remember the economy was on the rise BEFORE he got in office? Or have you soon forgotten the shit storm we were in by 2007? Between 2007 and 2016, we were getting things fixed. Trump is just riding what was already working.

Personally, I think more people will think of Nixon with kinder memories. Not by much though.

On that day I hear the news of his passing, I’ll be taking another piss in his memory and probably regretting wasting the piss of memories of him.

Truth is, you know how Trump likes piss anyway.

The Art of Online Discussions

November 24th, 2018

These are the wild west days of online social communication. It’s interesting: it’s a totally different reality then face-to-face, which took a couple of hundred years to become civilized in the streets compared to how it is online.

On one hand, you have ‘pussies’: people who can’t take critique, can’t be told negative counterpoint of views and all they do is reveal the ‘good’ of their lives on a constant show of “what they have”. It’s all sugar. No spice. Almost to the point of being fantasy, which most of what they post is. The speak of cats a lot and will incorporate talk about their cats in any conversation.

On the other hand, you have bitter angry trolls. People who hate everything and everyone and will constantly post a negative remark all the time. These people are plentiful and polar opposites to pussies. They are the worst kind. It’s spic, never sugar all day every day. They just hate all the time always looking for a reason to say something hurtful or angry in the disguise of ‘keeping it real’. They haunt the comment section of every news media and show up on a pussies Facebook page to say something to ground the pussy that usually doesn’t want to hear it and bans them. Even if it may be the truth.

So, for a few years this has been going on back and forth: Trolls trolling pussies. Pussies fabricating a fake lifestyle.

I believe an evolution of how to speak to one another and represent oneself online is about due—but it may never come. Why?

Because people hate and lie.

One of the reasons I deleted every social space I had online (except this one) is because ‘truth’ is a premium less than a handful is willing to provide or read.

Everything I wrote in this journal is the truth of myself — good and bad. The highs and the lows. Not for likes. Barely get any anyway.

Important journals are usually before their time.