Category: Uncategorized

Support

March 2nd 2018

My body hurts. 

So yes, the verdict is: if you feel like killing yourself, nothing will make you turn from that notion more than killing your body in a workout. Even a little bit more than you’re used to doing, cause believe me I’m not doing much. 

Mental status: stable, upwardly more positive than the last week and … believe it or not … interested in doing a little creative writing.

Yeah, so…I know this is my personal journal but here’s a moment about my wife and the topic of supporting someone. A topic I had plenty of arguments about in the past with others.

So, she started a small business in December. A handmade soap business. She’s very creative with it. She started it as a hobby because she really liked doing it. I encouraged her to make it a business and helped her along the way with startup ideas and processes necessary that I was familiar with from (you guessed it) my plentiful years in retail. Also I had a lot of opportunities to start (and fail) in small business ideas. My guidance and support is giving knowledge where I failed and where I succeeded. I even recognized with her that I could only take her so far but I will fully support what she’s doing.

Three months later, she’s making sales online and at her job. Like, real money and I see it ramping up. 

I am sincerely proud of her and I tell her every day.

Coming up, in my writing, I never — EVER — got that kind of support from others. I had to fight to get someone to read my work. Fight to get someone edit. Well, let me take a step back and say my first wife was supportive until “I” wasn’t — but generally speaking, with my inner and outer circle of peoples, it was a struggle to get just a reading.

As I write this, I concede to the idea that there may have been supportive people around me and I became a ghost. Meaning, socially, I am a genius at vanishing from the public eye both online and in real life.Yeah. I can say that’s a fact. You can’t support someone who isn’t there, right?

You can’t get ‘likes’ or reviews on your work if you’re not writing or promoting the work, either.

What of the past work I keep bringing up?

Producing something is usually “what have you done for me lately-ish”. You put something out today, it may get some attention ‘today’, but tomorrow it fades off for the next thing. Unless you’re talking about it and keeping it relevant, then all things fade.

My old work faded. I stopped talking, socializing, etc. So there’s that.

Obviously this conversation and the self-analysis is miles away from the dismal feelings I have had the past week. Working out in some form each day is going to be mandatory addition. 

So what am I going to do?

Workout.

Create new work.

Keep chugging.

Regarding school, you know… I got a ‘C’ in a biology assignment yesterday. 

I won’t drag out the details, but let’s just say by this morning, I got it to a ‘B’. 

The problem was directly mixed between my emotions and mental state and the same problem I had when I last got a B in a class: disagreement in formatting. I read the instructions and performed the task as I was supposed to. I challenged the grade and it was changed. 

The reason I didn’t get an ‘A’ was because I was in a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ mood last week and it showed in a discussion response.

Not to worry, the GPA remains a firm 4.0, but if I fuck around and start getting ‘C’s, well then the GPA will start looking like 3.8-3.9 and there’s a portion right under my heart that is threatening me to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So, yes. You can fail with your eyes, heart and mind closed. 

Improvements

March 1st 2018

Welp, I’m not feeling depressed. Something has to be said for exercising. Though meager, starter things, it put me in a frame of mind of being too tired to be depressed. Los of aches and pains. Missed a couple of goals per rep but I’m still working on it. Plus the eating. I’m moving into my fourth meal for the day so I HAVE to exercise. My body burns off food fast, so weight gain isn’t the issue.

 I have to use that food for the energy I need to work out. But I’m finding I have wrist issues in my left wrist; making push ups difficult. Plus, I’ve been doing ten (10) push-ups extra every hour to get my arms back into some sort of rhythm — which of course is affecting when I’m supposed to actually do a set at scheduled times.

Its a start. Feeling better today than I did yesterday.

Trying Something New

February 28th, 2018

After sitting here drinking brandy all day and considering a bunch of benadryl with it, I had an alternate idea after the drinking put me to sleep again.

I have demons telling me things. Telling me negative things about myself. Seriously. A voice in my head hating everything I say, do, am. I don’t finish things because I think I’m going to fail. That no one will read or like the work that I do. Calling me a failure for not reaching my film career while everyone else is passing me by. Failed at a writing career. Failed at being a father. Failed at being a husband. Failed, failed, failed. A darkness that just hovers over me and I just don’t want to do anything but slit my fucking throat and get it over with. Ugly, penetrating demons.

Maybe I literally have to exercise demons out of me. 

Hell, I’m unemployed still. Why not. 

So, I did some digging around online and ultimately put together a three-week program for myself that mostly encompasses eating a lot of meals, sit ups, push ups and treadmill. The regular push ups are familiar to me from my military days. You can get a satisfactory workout with just those few things. 

Since I have trouble committing to anything right now, I figure the three weeks I’m giving myself will be enough to see if I can manage it and it’s low profile enough without spending money I don’t have on stuff I might not use. Like creatine, MCT and other shit that’s expensive extras to working out.

I found some diet that Dwayne Johnson is known to eating (Fucking 6-7 meals a day!!!). I adapted it slightly to fit what I had available and I’ll just go for it. 

The idea is to push myself out of killing myself. 

Because these past few weeks have been dark. And I don’t even like to drink! But here I am, drinking myself to sleep mid-day and wanting to slash my wrists.

Somehow, through the bleakness, my brain gave an idea to start working out — apparently trying to salvage itself.

So, I start this evening and full into it tomorrow. If I haven’t much to say in this journal, at the very least, I’ll cover how my mental state is during the workouts. I’ll post what this workout is after three weeks — once I see if I can navigate it myself first.

Current state of mind: hopeful.

Even  took a ‘before’ picture of myself. We’ll see how this ‘works out’ lol. Pun intended.

Another Bad Day

February 28th 2018

The feeling i lifeless, pointless existence and I can’t shake it. 

Sure, autonomously doing school work still. Dropped out of this career advantage course because it required I speak to a career coach. I am in no mental state to speak to anyone. I feel deep down it was a bad idea to quit that program but at the same time I dreaded the idea of constantly looking at my fucked up resume and talking to anyone about how worthless I already know I am.

I would take my own life if I knew how to do it without making mistakes. This is one of those days I wished I’d actually own a gun. I would have shot my brains out days ago. Today. Right now.

Empty

February 24th 2018

Not a good day. It’s been ramping up for a few days. Actually since Wednesday. My daughter was staying with me for a few days. She’s going home today. While she was here, i feel I was of little purpose to her. Barely any interaction. I was busy lost in bad thoughts, anger and feeling miserable about the artwork I’ve been working on. I just don’t like anything I draw.

Then it rolled into how much I just fail at things and hating myself and her I am.I don’t like being in this mood. Thoughts of suicide persist and it would be a hell of a lot better than living this worthless life of failure to myself and my children.

But I got to take my daughter home first. I didn’t try that drinking solution since she was here. Once I drop her off, I’ll try drinking that Sangria still left in the fridge and maybe … just maybe… the idea of drinking will get me out of this endless, repetitive depression and self-hate.

Taking stock of everything: I know I haven’t gotten anywhere in life because I hate everything I am and everything I do. So, nothing gets finished. In my head, everything I do is shit so why finish it. Especially when I proof my work is shit by the little value anyone else places on my things. Of course, I have little value of my work. So on and so forth.

I hope tomorrow is a better day than this. I hope the next life is better than this one.

Guns II: Fear in Government

February 21, 2018

The recent school shooting apparently disturbed me more than I thought. You would think I would be desensitized by now. CNN listed a report of all the mass shootings between 1999 and now and we missed, like, four years of zero shootings. Something like that.

https://www.cnn.com/2013/09/16/us/20-deadliest-mass-shootings-in-u-s-history-fast-facts/index.html

What really disturbed me was the response from government. The children that survived the shooting went off to protest; wanting a ban on the rifle used. Swiftly, the government (Florida) voted down even the discussion of banning the weapon.

Then, the president spouted off about banning a ‘part’ of the rifle. A bump stock. Just a part of it.

The protests were dead before they got off the ground.

The problem is clear: Politicians are afraid of losing the zealot gun-owners, money and endorsements, voters, etc.

It reminds me of another addiction problem in this country: cigarettes.

So, we know without a shadow of a doubt — cigarette smoking causes cancer. It will kill you.

But ads persist. Sales are ongoing. No one will stop smoking and, generally speaking, they are just allowing the ‘smoking thing’ to run its course. If you don’t smoke, fine. If you do smoke, fine and when you die from your smoking related disease, that’s fine too. Whatever.

But we won’t stop selling cigarettes and making money.

We won’t stop selling mass destructive rifles and making money. The worst part of the rifle is that it’s not necessary to anyone unless you are in the military or some sort of law enforcement.

No. One. Not one person.

Why won’t there be an absolute ban on this rifle? Because, as said above, people are fearful. And greedy. The fear comes in two parts: afraid because they think they will need it. Fearful that they will lose all the things mentioned earlier.

Of course, they start spouting the second amendment and I had an interesting thought about that. 

Did you know there is nothing in the constitution that specifically says you can own a ‘gun’ or ‘rifle’? As I pursue this legal career (or job, depending on how things fall), the art of wordplay is very important. Also, the second amendment implies you need you to be in a ‘militia’ also:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

The term ‘Arms’ isn’t legally binding to the any particular weapon. Could be a knife, a gun, a rifle, a sword, a tank, a nuclear bomb.

You may own a weapon.

But you can’t own a tank. You can’t own a nuclear bomb. 

You should not be able to own a AK-47. 

Simple as that. I challenge you to show me the legal aspect that can stop me from banning a specific ‘arm’.

Additionally, a well regulated Militia — ‘regulated’, meaning organized and controlled, is the right of the people and those people of the militia can keep and bear arms.

Not in a militia? Guess what? No guns for you. Nothing specific that allows  you to bear arms outside of a militia. At the very least a ‘regulated’ one.

You’re reading this and thinking that arms certainly means guns and you’re right. It implies guns and any other weapon. But legally speaking, there is nothing in that statement that protects ‘specific’ arms.

It’s very much like “You are allowed to drink” … if you want to fuck around and drink alcohol, motor oil, pond water, gasoline — that’s up to you. But for your protection, I will ban drinking motor oil and gasoline. I can do that and it will be successful even if a bunch of you are pissed that I stopped you from drinking motor oil. Yes, Americans are dumb asses to think that. If you don’t believe me, I’m in a generation that is eating detergent pods. 

https://www.sltrib.com/news/2018/01/25/at-least-14-utahns-have-called-poison-control-because-of-exposure-to-laundry-detergent-pods-some-related-to-tide-pod-challenge/

Continuing this example, the problem in government is: Politicians are getting paid lovely by motor oil producing companies that see that, in addition to sensible sales of motor oil, they get bigger money from the fools that drink it. Also, the fools that love drinking the motor oil themselves are demanding no one infringe on their rights ‘to drink’. Even as more and more people are dying, they will vote against the motor oil drinking.

Common sense — or logically speaking — we either just wait for these fools to kill themselves off and let the generation of non-motor oil drinking/non-gun users come into affect; to eventually vote out cowards —- or just wait for another school shooting.

Whats funny is, about a year or two ago, some senator or politician was shot on a baseball field. He was someone who opposed gun control measures and that still hasn’t changed things.

I would say the death of a president would be fantastic, but that happened a few times already and it got clogged with conspiracy bullshit that the discussion of banning weapons wasn’t even brought up.

This is a sad country when you get 17-18 people murdered and our politicians, the supreme court and our own president are like, “It’s sad, but …”

I think a concerted effort to simply replace ALL politicians and this fool in office is mandatory. All politicians. All aged and weathered supreme court judges. Wipe it clean and start with fresh ideas cause this ongoing shit of the same old thing is pathetic.That’s why we have a democratic voting system, you say?

How did that work out in 2016? Ask the Russians. By the way, odd coincidence that the AK-47, a Russian weapon, is so easy to buy as well.

We’re being socially fucked with and I would say the Russians are the sole masterminds, but the reality is people are in their pocket and he door is wide open. Well played, but fuck Putin. I would bomb the fuck out of Russia in a heartbeat — or expect another Chernobyl to humble their asses. 

One other interesting thought: funny how America is so set on illegal possession of drugs more than these rifles.

Which one can the common man make money off of?

Think about it and see what’s going on.

Update: This article supports my position on the constitution’s 2nd amendment and how it doesn’t protect anyone from banning certain weapons. See? I’m not totally off the rails. For Christ sake, I AM trying to be a lawyer.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/02/opinions/banning-assault-rifles-would-be-constitutional-pate/index.html

Antsy

February 19th 2018

I have all this work to do and for some reason I just can’t sit still. 

The mood has been swinging back and forth up until today — where I feel fine, just the idea of sitting to do this paper on genetically modified organisms has me bouncing from one thing to another when I need to get it done. I mean, here I am writing this journal entry — not writing the paper.

It’s like I have energy and it’s not from anything out of the ordinary. Lord knows, I don’t go anywhere but with this energy to ‘do’ would have been helpful if I did.

The problem is I’m bouncing from one project to another assignment to another task and not completing anything. It’s like my brain created its own Adderall and I’m just driving without a destination.

Then, watch tomorrow I’ll be tired and not interested in doing anything. Go figure.

So, what did I do within the past 8-24 hours different that can get me to this state of broadened awareness when I need it?

I slept well. Ate well. Took my Metformin (diabetes type II meds) for today. I had McDonald’s last night, so maybe thats not considered eating well, but it sure tasted good. Maybe it’s that ‘happy’ feeling noted in the ‘Supersize me’ when he ate McDonald’s as opposed to when he stopped.

My wife made some Sangria the day before. 

Yesterday, I had a little more than my usual intake of alcohol. That would have to be the singular difference in my usual routine. Not enough to say I was drunk. Slightly dizzy — what they called ‘buzzed’.

Drinking??? God, no. Let’s hope that doesn’t become a regular habit. Bad enough I go nowhere, get depressed and wallow in my anger and sorrows — and now drinking? 

But what if the sangria produced this result? Shit, I’m getting a lot of things done (albeit, some of this and some of that and some of the other thing, circling back to the first to finish that up, etc). Not depressed. No foggy head.

Only one way to test things: Go without for 24 hours. Maybe 48 to purge the system. Try again. Today is Monday. Wednesday night I’ll drink the stuff and see how I feel the next day. Watch it work and I’ll be forced to face the values of being an alcoholic in order to get more things done.

Academics are still in the GPA of 4.0.

All reports and assignments are going just fine and on time. The change in degree program was officially entered today and I’ll be in information technology march 3rd. My job search for IT has been a little short of a trainwreck as no one responds to me or my resume. I have been using the university resources to improve my resume but the fact is, I’m likely unemployable.

So you know why I’m also getting back into artwork/animation. I’m still calling it a hobby. But if I were to be able to make a couple of bucks along the way to assist supporting the household, that would be a good thing until I’m actually working. My current fear is not being able to get a good IT job until I actually have my degree.

My next fear is not getting work even WITH a degree. So, the idea of keeping a few different fires burning ‘just in case’ doesn’t hurt. 

The only negative thing that happened over the weekend was the Post Office successfully mis-delivered a drawing tablet I purchased the other week.

A Wacom. I bought it on Amazon ( https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010LHRFM2/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) and it was to be shipped to me on Saturday. 

I got the alert that told me it was “delivered to a mail room”. As I don’t have a mail room, and I went to the leasing office to see if it was there (it wasn’t), they apparently dropped it off elsewhere.

It pissed me off for about an hour. I mean, I bought this art tablet for my own personal pleasure. It wasn’t for the kids. Not for the wife. Not for school. I’ve been digging further into art for animation and just because it’s been calming me down (another thing to consider with the latest mood balancing act). To have this missing bothered me; like how could I be so consistently unlucky with things I consider a ‘passion’?

Additionally, my graphics board in my computer finally gave up the ghost and I was almost without a fix. Bought a cheap but workable grahic card from Best buy. But both negative issues gave me a momentary amount of stress.

So, naturally I drank more sangria to ease the pain. LOL.

Today is a holiday, so I have to deal with this post office business on Tuesday. The local post office is a hive of lazy assholes, but the plan is to get there early, get them working on where my package is and be calm about it.

In continuing with my renaissance man mystique, the man is doing well as a scholar, I actually like my artwork, plan to actually like my animation and I really need to figure out how to go get some archery in without actually going places where other people will be. Difficult to say the least. Like trying to find a shooting range that no one will be at.

Oh! One other thing. I saw “Black Panther” last week. Phenomenal movie. Very inspiring. If I weren’t going to college now, this film would have inspired me to do/be/have more and apply. For the Black community, that’s such an encouraging thought.

UPDATE: My Wacom arrived today to the leasing office. All is well. They fixed whatever blunder they made.

Guns

February 15th, 2018

Another school shooting yesterday. America and it’s liberal gun laws are pathetic. It amazes me how a kid can get so much weaponry so easily.

Look, I’ve documented transparently how much I hate people but I don’t have the inclination … not even the hinting desire … to go about randomly shooting up a place. It’s a zero-sum direction that only leads to either being shot dead or imprisoned for life. If you thought people hated you when you were alive, you’ll only be hated even more in death or behind bars. More than ever. Cause someone like me would want to hunt and take you out if you killed any of my children.

Then things get ugly.

I don’t envy high school students whatsoever. It’s bad enough you’re in this ongoing need to be popular game. A game that sucked when I was in school way back when. Now, it’s online social and real life social awkwardness. Way too much pressure just for an education. Then to worry about getting shot??? Makes no sense.

But America likes to wave the second amendment flag. Personally, if I had the power, I’d rewrite the constitution and be done with it. Fuck you if you don’t like that I removed the second amendment — and go with an Australian method of gun control. Times have changed since the, oh I don’t know, the colonization of the new world. 

White America mostly, with their scary-asses, will be up in arms if I removed the second amendment. Eventually, life will settle down. Less school shootings, if any at all, and we’ll be wondering why we even lived through centuries of free gun play in the first place.

Odd thing. Most of these school shootings are often contributed by some White person. Essentially they are killing themselves and they still will not manage gun control. After all these years of mass shootings. I can give them the same response they gave the Black community when there were a lot of murders in Black communities: “Let the animals kill themselves”.

Ultimately, in all races, the lower forms will wipe themselves off. People who just gotta love their guns — well, when you hear stories of people shooting their own kids by accident, or a kid finding daddy’s gun and shooting themselves by accident, or a kid buying $100,000 worth of weaponry (somehow) and shooting up a school — when the smoke clears, those who have fucking common sense about guns (either not having them or knowing how to put a lock on them in the first place), will be ones left.

I think parents that leave their gun cases open for their kids to get shot and killed deserve what they get. Eternal anguish is your penance for being an asshole. 

Here’s a funny fact: I don’t own a gun, but I have a military background and won awards for my shooting skills. 

I’m damn near marksman. Could have went to sniper school if it weren’t for my glasses. Still, even without them, I’m incredibly deadly with a rifle. It’s in harmony with the archery. Instinctive targeting. My singular claim to fame.

Additionally, it is also why I don’t own a gun. With my infrequent depression, it’s not a good idea. No. Nope.

My ex-once said it’s never good to have a weapon in the house because suddenly there is a reason to use it.

I agree. Any argument. Any noise you hear. Something. I would have always found a reason to pull it out. Then you rely on a gun for protection. Taking it everywhere you go. I see people who don’t seem to be police officers, walking around because state laws allow to open carry.

You can smell the fear on those assholes when they strut by. It’s because I know they are afraid and need a gun, I often have the urge to snatch it out of their holsters, unload it, and pistol whip them. LOL. Does your gun help you in a fist fight if I TAKE your gun?

So, the scared people that need it for “protection” don’t understand what ‘not’ being afraid is. And only gets worse when they always have one.

I don’t need a gun. Physical confrontation is the least of my fears. I certainly do have fears. That’s for sure. But fearing another man is not one of them. Gun ownership is all about ‘fear’ and needing one for things you can’t handle.

Snakes. I hate snakes. I’d carry a gun to rid the world of snakes. lol.

Meanwhile, those who do own guns and have the chance to use it for ‘defense’ are far and few between.

It happens, but not so often that it needs to be chanted as it does. 

The overwhelming gun owners out there let fear and adrenaline fuck up their shot in the first place. I’ve seen video of so-called gun defensive users shooting with their eyes closed, while running away and other bone-head methods. 

Not hitting their target.

Going to the gun range is nice, but I’d rather people train with a target that is attacking you to give you real fear suppression training.

It’s one thing to talk about owning guns for protection and another to actually use it against someone pointing a gun directly at you. 

Two. Fucking. Worlds. 

Your average gun owner verses me in a shoot out will be dead the moment they own their mouth to say something.

This is why kids shooting at schools are the lowest forms of assholes to man. 

Who’s going to shoot back at you? The average student doesn’t have a gun. There is no return fire. These are cowards. Going back full circle: owning guns is about fear.