Illegal Pleasure

February 11th, 2018

I’ve been writing again. I’ve even gone as far as planned out a short animation project I shouldn’t be working on.

Why not?

Remember, this whole academic experiment started on the premise “If the stuff I love isn’t working, the stuff I don’t care about should make me a golden boy.”

Eight months in, I’ve proved my theory correct and the grades show it. You have to be looking at it from a conservative, conformist view to think that I must ‘love’ going to school. I do not love this. I’m going through the motions because I have to and it’s working out. I do not have a passion for this.

The things that I have a passion for failed. Failure after failure. The stuff I put my whole heart into. The stuff I cared about. Still kind of triggers me with unknown answers as to why.

So, with my eyes semi-closed, this ‘going for a bachelor’s degree’ is working out and that’s why I feel like a fraud. It’s not in my heart at all. Given the same amount of time and energy I’m putting into school, I would do the same for my animation or writing a book and would rather have the success of those things over a bachelors degree any day.

Now, thinking this through logically, what am I doing right in school work that I wasn’t in my creative pursuits?

Never mind, I already realized that the path to academic success is objectively graded while the creative work is not graded but reviewed subjectively. I can get an “A” in biology by just answering questions right and doing the assignments as I am supposed to do. No big deal. I find the only problem I would have in this linear path is if I choose not to do it. Or get lazy.

But in creative pursuits, I am at the whim of others who view my work.

I can say this: the harshest reviewer of my own work has been me. I know I stopped projects before they gotten anywhere because I hated the quality. But what of the work I did finish and put out there?

I have been the victim of just not enough money to market anything. Even the stuff with rave reviews will only get so far unless people know it’s out there.

I don’t keep anything on long enough to gather a fan base.

I don’t socialize enough to gather boundless ‘likes’.

Creative works and academic paths are two different animals and I see the whole school thing is just ‘easy’ provided you stay on it.

Not easy to do in an actual school environment with all sorts of distractions. I probably wouldn’t have been doing as well as I am if I had to do this in a physical location. Looking at too much pussy guaranteed.

So how do I handle moving forward with my passions lying dormant?

I know, if I do anything, it can’t interfere with the existing path of the bachelors degree. Period. End of story.

Call what I’m about to do — a stress-free hobby.

Underscore

February 9th 2018

Nothing like a good old fashion argument on Facebook to get your blood boiling.

I’ll be brief: basically the discussion was how would Idiris Elba do as a Black James Bond?

I commented that it’s fine as long as Blacks stop complaining when someone White tries to be a Black character.

The room exploded. Everyone defending that no one should play a Black fictional character and then some guy in the chat said something rude and I gave him two warning shots to watch his mouth or we’ll certainly take this offline.

I really don’t play that. As someone who crafts words, if you need to start cursing at me over a dialogue, then I know you got problems and your point isn’t very sharp. I stated my point clearly and left it after one last statement. Essentially calling out the so-called elusive black racism. True artists do and allow for all. You can’t complain that you want a Black man to play a white character, then turn around and be insulted when whites show their racism. THEN when a white man plays a Black character, turn around and not allow it.

I admitted history favors blacks with the whitewashing issues.

But I also said black culture is global and people of color influence many, many things. We should be proud and not limiting. I challenged them to listen to white racist complaints and not sound the same way when they do the same thing to whites about Black characters.

Of course, they didn’t get it and ended up spewing racist things about how a White person can’t play a black character.

I mean … really. I said my peace, made sure that fool understood I wasn’t allowing him to be an asshole without consequences and left the chat alone. Ruined the first part of my day and I got a headache … but on a lighter note: I got all A’s in all the assignments in the first Unit Biology.

The feelings and mood I had two days ago were just a very dark point. Not sure why and how I got there, but it’s lifted…regardless of this mornings events. I let it go.

Still, this is my underscore of why I can’t stand people. ANY people. Other humans. No matter the race. They are clogged and pig-headed. Determined to self-destruct. Why should I venture to be close to that kind of cancerous social atmosphere; trying to weed out “good sensible” people from the choking bulk of racist, narrow minds? I don’t have the energy or ability to find the good.

Can it be so hard to see that color of skin doesn’t matter in art?

Can it be so hard to see that color of skin doesn’t matter?

Socially Backsliding

February 7, 2018

These past two days I’ve been inside my head way too much. All I do is think and remember the stupid things I’ve said and done. The failures. The mistakes. The life I don’t have. The life I wasted.

This depression is back and it’s making me angry.

No, I didn’t go to Toastmasters meeting last night. I haven’t been outside — except for a few basic needs — for going on a month or so. While part of me knows I need to do something, like actually use the bow and arrow set I bought and go to archery and do things — that hate inside keeps me home.

My only activities have been building an enormous movie collection, school work and that project — by the way has been stagnant since there isn’t any money to move it forward as I’d like.

I’ve been hating my life. I feel it doesn’t belong to me. Even if the grades are good, I’m healthy and I have a roof over my head, I still … feel …empty. Like I feel like the stuff of my past doesn’t hold any weight to what I’m trying to do for the future; as a result, I feel like a fraud. Like anything I’m doing is going to fail because I’m faking everything.

Am I? Of course I’m faking wanting to be around people. So I don’t go out around people.

Do I fake caring about my kids when I see them? No. But I’m in this frame of feeling where they are bothersome. Like I’m some grandparent that welcomes them but glad to see them go. When did this feeling start happening? I hate that. I love my children. Fucking divorce. I would never have had children or gotten married if I knew I was going to be this worthless to them and myself.

Lately, these past two days, I just wish I would die and be done with this constant failure.

Progress Inch by Inch

February 4th, 2018

I’ve had a separate journal for this project I’ve been working on. Any further notes on that topic will be written there in a notebook I keep. I have to say, I’m doing well as I creep forward each day. Just wish I had more money behind this — but the education is invaluable as I am forced to look at each step I move with careful precision. Slowly.

In other news, academia has gotten noticeably harder. Biology/Bio Lab is a little bit more intense than the previous classes. Interesting stuff, nonetheless, but whereas I complained earlier that I was skating through the work, I’m forced to actually concentrate. Which is why this journal entry is cut short so I can get some work done this morning early.

Advantage

January 30th 2018

The thing I’m working on isn’t 100% new. There are many companies working on the same thing but they have cash to see it through into prototyping faster than me. So, I wake up this morning to find out a couple of ex-Google engineers have revealed a similar project (a few phases in) for the same end-resulting idea.

Of course, a little put off, but I’m pressing forward regardless. My advantage and, believe it or not, goes back to my thoughts about ‘people’.

All these well-financed projects always, always, ALWAYS favor the rich, and particularly, the rich White communities. Rarely for the common person and NEVER for Black or Hispanic communities.

On one hand, no matter what I do, I can bank on institutionalized and general passive racism to own a market no one else will touch.

On the other hand, no matter what I do, the Black and Hispanic communities fail to embrace technology development, so I’ll always be the first of my kind to create in the community. The Black and Hispanic communities are consumers of technology — that’s for sure — but producers? Nope. Wide open field.

This is the heart of the ‘crab-basket’ life of wanting more in communities that don’t strive for more. It’s not the game plan to ‘ignore’ these communities and serve the rich. They can still be served. Maybe — just maybe — in the process of providing excellent service and continuing to be witnessed as progressive, the rest will follow. But it can’t be a selfish act. More on this probably in the year.

I’ll give that to ‘some’ white communities. Not all of them, but some. They have rat trap white trash communities like anyone else. But places like Silicon Valley, areas of San Francisco, etc are thriving.

No matter what’s developed, the Black and Hispanic communities are the last to get it. My market (when all is said and done) are all people below the affordability and access radar.

I can say this: the project is two fold. I’m 1000% interested in finding missing people still. A little technology to help with that goes a long way. I’ve noticed, each day I work on the project, I gain new open roads of ideas. This is why I’m seeing it through to the end. I might just solve a bunch of bucket-list like concepts all in one swoop.

All this talk of service for people and helping to find missing people. You’d almost think I actually cared about people.

Positive Slow Vibes

January 28th, 2018

Grades continue to soar. But coming up next week: biology and bio-lab. How lab is done online, remains to be seen.

And Math. If my degree program switch is to really happen as planned (I’m hearing March 2018), I’ll be getting College Algebra and Survey Calculus. I suck at math and this should be interesting.

Meanwhile, I still have nothing to report except that the job search is the usual: no responses or the occasional “Sorry, but we decided to etc, etc, etc.” Not giving up. Just trying to stay positive.

Keep in mind, my wife is still working so let the record show this is how I’m still surviving. It’s only been thirty-days since the last job. I’m anticipating a new job come February. Check back with me on that one in a couple of weeks.

While at home, I’m into school work and the project. Calling it ‘the project’ is unnecessarily mysterious and annoying but better to just leave it hanging and anonymous than early posting details that may or may not come to fruition. Bare with me for a few months longer — I’m actually on a set timeline I made to accomplish key steps of it.

I’m proud to say I’m on time. I set realistic goals and considering the algebra will come in handy (yep! Found a real world need for it’s use and you have to be an engineer to want to use it! After all, I am building something mechanical) — it seems what I’m doing is preordained or pleasantly coincidental.

So, in regards to the project, today I actually saw it coming together. Like, off-paper and the framework there. I’m actually doing it and I’m happy about it.

This weekend I’ve realized how much I stay in. With no friends and no desire to socialize, yesterday I felt trapped in my own apartment. The weather is okay. I could have gone to the library. I watched all the “Family Guy” I could possibly download. School work is all caught up and all I do is focus on mechanical engineering.

I admit, I could use a muse — a slim bodied, sexy chick — but I’ve learned my lesson over the years. Pussy is a distraction and nothing gets done. Good pussy stops all progress cold.

Get the money/fame/progress FIRST.

Karma’s Bitch

January 24th, 2018

For all I know, by the time anyone reads these journal entries, I’m either dead, or alive somewhere wishing I never posted them. Regardless, I feel in order to explain this post, I have to paint a picture of the current era. I’ll try to be brief:

Donald Trump is president. He promised a boat load of tax reform that promised to see money in everyone’s pockets. Walmart and Disney recently gave out $1,000 bonuses to employees — implying this is the sum result of Trumps tax reform. Major retail stores are closing — implying intense competition from Amazon and other online shops. On the same day Walmart announced giving out bonuses, they closed some 60 Same’s Clubs and a few Market stores.

Today, I found out they are closing 180+ Toy’s R Us stores. One of them in my area. So that will be TWO major stores closed near me. Sam’s Club was across the street from Toy’s R Us. I use to work at the Walmart next to that.

Now, a few years back, there was a Target store near here and that was the first to go. Gradually, other stores were closing and Sears is about to close their doors in a few weeks.

What’s all this about?

Well, look at where Walmart is as centered in a box. All stores in this box is closed except for that one Walmart.

How much longer will it stay open?

Oh, so you’re wondering why I’m even thinking of Walmart at this time? Well, the wounds are still fresh. It’s only been a month. My wife came home from shopping there and said the shelves looked bare — considering we didn’t have a major storm or anything. There’s another Walmart one exit away and it was recently remodeled. The store I worked out isn’t, and as far as I know, no plans to be.

All these companies are saying they suddenly have money to give their employees. As if they didn’t have it before. Apple was recently forced to bring back some 30 Billion dollars from overseas. What the current administration is doing is supposedly making the atmosphere either HARD for these companies, forcing them to bring money back here — or EASIER for these companies to give out extra money.

It’s my opinion that these companies had the money to give bonuses to employees in the first place and are just giving Trump the praise for a little tax manipulation.

Apple was flush with cash for YEARS before this administration started and they seemed to be forced to bring the money back here from tax havens overseas. So, in that regard — only in Apple’s case — maybe there is something to the tax changes. Some sort of leverage play.

I’m not a tax genius by any stretch of the word, but it all seems rather lateral to me. Like the money has never changed. Just rerouted. Money given to employees as a so-called bonus was money they had extra anyway and it makes Trump look good. Money overseas was money owed in taxes anyway.

http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-apple-tax-20180122-story.html

Walmart’s generous bonus scheme is balanced out by closing stores. If you understand that NO business will give bonuses freely, and follow the money closely, you’ll see things haven’t changed. It all seems like a major PR stunt.

If I’m wrong, then a business like ‘Carrier’ will start offering bonuses and stop laying off people. Carrier was a company that Trump vowed will stay alive:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2018/01/10/carrier-plant-lay-off-215-workers-thursday/1022504001/

What do all these thoughts of the financial status of the world have to do with me?

Welp, this project I’m working on directly ties myself in with the service industry and the more these stores close down around here, the more likely property values drop and setting up shop in this area makes more sense than ever before. The stores may close, but the residents are still here.

Also, Amazon has Atlanta in the top 20 states to put a second headquarters and, believe it or not, this is the area it’s considering. Makes no sense, right? Fact is, the property values are falling and there’s space. Amazon typically posts up in lower-ranked locations.

And, as I said, my project is a service concept that actually would work well with Amazon. I can say, if I accomplish a few things, I was striving for a contract with Amazon no matter where they place their headquarters. Long story short, this may work in my favor no matter how things go.

I can’t say what the future holds for me — but I am trying every day to get it to one specific outcome — let the record show that on this day, I was sufficiently attuned to the current events that shaped what the heck I will try to do in the future.

That I got out of ‘retail’ right on time to pursue my degree. As you read in the previous journal entries, even when I was in Walmart, I knew it wasn’t for me and I needed something more. All these retail shops closing, I feel bad for career retail managers. What the hell are they going to do? Fuck ‘em. I know what I’m doing.

That said, let it be known that I called the potential closing of the local Walmart I worked at — a private ‘fuck you’ to the management working there.

Project Forward Motion

January 21st 2018

Nothing much to report. These have been very ‘basic’ days. Again, no drama. No muss-no fuss. Probably just the way I like them to be.

I’m proactively working on the ‘project’ and I’m running into road blocks. Call it ‘limited’ knowledge of mechanical engineering, but I won’t let that stop me.If I stopped to studying engineering, this project won’t be done for another 5 years.

So, it’s learning along the way. One thing that must be noted here: I’ve been learning a lot of things rapidly. It shows in my grades, as well.

Interesting thing: I have ALWAYS self-taught myself many things but with no grading system to judge me by until now.

I’ve started the LSAT study process. Digging deep into the methods to understand logic questions and such. I practice on a weekly basis.

Freecodcamp is still going well as well as the IT job hunt (help desk support, really). Funny thing: If I could go back to Apple, I certainly would. I don’t want to go over that previous meltdown I had there. LOL. No, I don’t want to go over that at all.

Suffice to say, I’m managing my depression so much better OFF medication than I was trying to stay on it.

My secret: Purpose.

I have a defined purpose and my depression isn’t a priority anymore. Oh, don’t get me wrong — it haunts me in the background like a shadow in the corner, but my purpose: the ‘project’, my grades, my new career in IT … all these things keep me centered, or at best, I know where to center myself if I get a little low. Keep in mind: the majority of my issue is chemical. I don’t control when it comes — but I control how to tuck it the side, sort of speak.

So today’s entry is all about moving forward. Nothing to report except forward motion.

And I am grateful.

Toastmasters Round II

January 18th 2018

So, I finally went.

Stayed through the whole meeting, as a matter of fact.

Wasn’t a laborious task as I made it out to be. Walked over to the library, probably got caught on camera to a live news program in the process. There was a big city hall meeting happening in the connected auditorium to where Toastmasters was holding a meeting. FYI: they’ve been closing Walmarts in this area lately (Sams club and a local Walmart Market).

Ironic, no?

Totally different topic that has nothing to do with me.

I got to the meeting a little early, was welcomed by the president very warmly. They even remembered me and was happy I came back. So, yes, I felt a little bit like a heel (old term. Look it up)

Though I didn’t speak, I planned to. I asked the president for my next steps since I’m starting over and she was happy to help. In return, they have an open house coming up and a few events and I said I would volunteer.

I promise to not be a dick and actually show up.

In other news, I’ve started the official LSAT private study process.

Last year, it was skimming through and getting a feel for the test. This year, for a few hours scheduled each week, I’m focusing on how the methodology of each part of the test and taking practice versions weekly to get my head into the game.

To do this, I’ve plucked every LSAT study book from the library and whatever I can find online for free. I cannot afford the $2,000 study courses available out there.

The logic games can jumble up my mind quite a bit but I’ve done well WITHOUT understanding how they work; I can do even better once I read up on everything I can.

Regular school work is still on track. No issues. GPA stable at 4.0. Fucking amazing. I’ve never done this well before. I’m looking up law schools (Emory Law, for instance.) They require a 165 LSAT score and a 3.75 GPA. All I have to do is keep this steady for two years more. This is why I’m studying the LSAT early — regularly. Magic number I’m shooting for is 170 (180 is the top).

I’ve been taking advantage of all the university’s resources for resume analysis, job interviewing performance, career management, etc. Combined with my recent hunt for jobs in IT (mostly quantifiable tech support positions), I plan to have a job by late January — definitely in February. We’re having car issues so I’ll be on the bus/train this time around. The glory about this job hunt is that it makes sense with my degree. I did apply to some random Warehouse job recently and I have to stop that. I mean, I need to work. I really do — but I need to cut that ‘any job’ mentality and just try harder for ‘related’ jobs.

I’m not that same old guy anymore. I’m a goddamn college student going for a bachelors, studying to go to law school with bigger plans than to put a fucking box on a shelf.

As long as I keep that fire active, these will be the last days of aimless pursuits.

THAT is why this journal exists. Cause if “I” can evolve, I’m sure someone else needing to change (but having a hard time) can read this and be encouraged.

Days of Blah

January 15th 2018

What’s going on are those middle days of life where there’s simply nothing going on. ‘Nothing’ meaning, nothing dramatic. No drama. No excitement. Not really depressed. Not really jumping for joy. Just… nothing.

These are the days where the focus to stay on task is more important than ever. These are the kind of days that usually get people in trouble. You see, in the absence of ‘fun, excitement, something to do’, people tend to get into ‘trouble’ and ruin the things that matter most.

With my anti-social ‘thing’, I get into a whole lot less of trouble than most people. At the same time, I find my days boring and just passing by under most everyone’s radars. I think, when I do think of Walmart, that’s the thing I missed the most. I think I’m going to honestly say ‘I miss human interaction’, but I’m not sure that’s it exactly. No, that’s not what I miss at all. Sometimes the ‘eye-candy’ of the women that come to the store or work there. That’s always a treat.

What’s missing was my sense of purpose. I went there with a purpose to ‘own my departments’ and it was abruptly cut off.

So, to replace it, I dug deeper into schoolwork — but I mentioned earlier that it’s coming to easy. I do it, finish it, get a good grade. I’m sticking with it — just I’m bored with it.

To fill the gap of being ‘purposeful’, I started that ‘project’. The problem with the ‘project’ is I’m venturing into unknown territory in a field I’ve read about but I don’t have any experience in. Most of the time, I’m working on this thing with very little confidence that I’ll succeed. Then I get into this feeling “Well, I HAVE to succeed because I’m unemployed and even if I get another job, how long will I hold it?”

When you’re home, letting days go by silently, with all day long to ‘think’, that in itself can lead to another kind of trouble. I am doing my best to fight off constant depression. So far… so good.

There is an audio book I recently finished listening to: The Confidence Gap – A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris.

I’ve listened to quite a few variations of self-help books to build confidence. This one has to be the most useful to date. At least to me. I think all self-help inner building processes are like medication: some work for a few. Some don’t work at all. It all depends on the individual and we’re all different.

This book helped over these past few days. Very insightful and focused on a method called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). In brief, it’s about acknowledging the problems and moving into the situation rather than away from it. For instance, if you want to speak in front of people but you’re afraid of doing so, starting small, speak to small groups and keep at it recognizing that you are fearful but build with each talk until you will look confident, which will eventually ‘be’ confident.

Put in my own perspective, it confirms what I started out trying to do: join Toastmasters, learn to speak in front of others — but failed to do. I know I let my mind talk me out of going to meetings.

Funny thing, I haven’t an issue with speaking in front of people. I can do so in large crowds for sure. At least with a ready script to read from. My issue is ‘people’ in general and I’m trying to see how this book can figure into my ongoing hate of the next human being. Because it’s not really fear. This isn’t a case of fearing the things you hate. It’s just absolute, resolved, burning hate. No particular race at all.

Even now, I’m holding back the desire to write a full thesis about ‘why’ I hate people. I won’t waste the digital space, but it’s tempting.

Suffice to say, it’s a problem that will get me complacent. I’ll end up doing what I’m doing right now — be totally cut off from everyone; gaining zero connectivity to the world.

So, in harmony with ACT, I’m acknowledging my hate; dislike for meeting people, and planning to do something about it. Toastmasters? Maybe. Archery? Maybe. Any of those other lodges and clubs I said I would join? Maybe. Gotta start small, right?

It’s just that people prove me right every time: stupid, vile, narcissistic, lying judgmental scum you can never trust. Always seeking to impose an ‘alpha’ position in conversation, position, whatever. When I don’t acknowledge or give a fuck about their attempt to be ‘an alpha’, I’m the odd-man out and need to go.

See? I’m all too ready to curse the next human. I’m a ball of ready anger in that regard.

I need it to go away. This anger. This hate.

Sigh.

In regards to my ‘project’, I have to say I’ve made a few positive moves in the right direction; building my confidence along the way that I might actually know what I’m doing. if I didn’t start this project, believing that I had to wait till I knew what I was doing, I would never have started it. Thus, the process of ACT.

In regards to my dealing with people, I have to do the same thing.

In the book, the author asked the reader to write down the top six values that mean a lot to me. These values (out of the fifty eight recommended) are the things that I ‘want’ to be and that mean a lot to me. I ended up having quite a few values that, in my opinion, I already have an perform. NONE of them, you might say, were values that brought me any closer to human appreciation. For instance, one value was ‘conformity’ and, of course, that’s NOT a value I think is important to me.Nether was acceptance, cooperation or equality.

I had a feeling that, to get the benefits of this book, I had to work on values that I ‘wanted’; not what I had and actually performed, but those that I wanted but had trouble performing. Acceptance WAS NOT something I wanted, so I’ll skip that. But these were the ones that I did want but didn’t have:

Excitement, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Patience, Power, Self-Control.

I have to re-visit what it each means in context of being a ‘value’, but I felt these were the ones that resonated with me that I would have trouble fulfilling. I am not excited about hings, I can’t forgive people — least of all myself. I never feel free. I’m not a fun person to be around. I have very little patience. I have no power over anyone or myself and of course my self-control is shaky at best.

There were others, like ‘compassion’. I have that for my kids. I occasionally have it for others. Depending on the circumstance. It’s not something I want to work on. Open compassion for ‘everyone’ just triggers why I hate everyone.

Ultimately, this list made me feel how dreadfully troll-ish I am; re-surfacing a kind of depression that wants me to stay indoors away from people.

Something I cannot do. I have to do better.

There are fifty-eight values on this list I have. Maybe, during my attempt to value my top seven, I should try to include one of each along the way. Hell, at least I have a template on how to be ‘better’. Fifty-eight values that would, conceivably, make me a better human being if I genuinely acted on them. As the book suggests, the acting on them is the first thing — followed by the genuine. If I waited to be actually genuine about, say, caring for others, I wouldn’t do it at all.