Category: Uncategorized

Productive

January 9th, 2018

Interesting thing: the other day, I was feeling the work I’m doing in school was lifeless and autonomous. I know it’s going in a great direction, but I was honestly feeling I had no particular joy out of it. I was going through the motions and was momentarily confused about what the end goal was. I started filling up my time with more educational pursuits: freecodecamp.org, studying Spanish, studying how to play the guitar, etc. None of it is fulfilling to the heart, but satisfying to the mind. Like eating healthy food you don’t necessarily care for, you know it’s good for you, but ‘meh’.

For a moment, it was all lifeless until I focused on that project I haven’t mentioned. I’m building something and that ‘spark’ — a purpose — revitalized me.

I won’t make the mistakes of the past: thinking a project can replace the progress in academics.

Regarding this project, it’s going to be bookmark in history. Having said that, I really have to start ‘wanting’ to talk to people because I’ll need to in order for this to work. In the meantime, I’m constructing. How am I paying for it while not working? Sigh … I depleted the Apple 401(k). It’s a risk worth taking. I’m planning and narrowing my vision to whats necessary to spend on production correctly. 

This thing — I will succeed in.

Southern Poverty Law Center Volunteer

January 5th, 2018

I finally sent out the paperwork to join the SPLC Remote Volunteer team. Not entirely certain what it’s about, but I stuck with the promise to do so and I anticipate it aligning me with my law aspirations. Also should look good on a resume.

I also started working at the ‘Free Code Camp’ website. I figure if I do ten lessons a day, I’ll re-gather my coding experience. Helpful when working on my wife’s forthcoming site and possibly something to contribute in this IT degree switch. I’m banking that I can do equally well at this as I am doing in the rest of my academic pursuits.

Having said that, I’m already exploring the idea of getting a few certifications. Particularly the long elusive CompTia A+ certification. Not that my life will be exposed to computer repair, but I’d rather have it in my stash of certifications than not have it. I’ve noticed the CompTia Networking and security certifications; they are closer to my degree program. I get down on all these things, by December 2018, I can look powerhouse to a good IT job even with a progressing degree on the way. 

Why does he still pursue tech when he wants to go to law school? Because I want it all, quite frankly but the truth is tech is a safety if law falls through. 

Today, yesterday and the day before have been very productive days.

The Career Coach

January 4th, 2018

One of the advantages of any university are the ancillary departments to help the budding student progress. AIU offers a ‘career coach’ — someone who can help get your resume, your employment connected to your degree and generally your whole career outlook straight. No, they can’t guarantee a job, but with me wanting to stop working ‘any-old-job’ and get something closer to the new degree program (information technology), I thought this was the best path to take. 

After watching the career archive videos they offered and finding out who my specific career coach was (I had one un-utilized until now), I wrote the following letter:

###

Happy
New Year. I am a current student in AIU’s Bachelor’s
degree program in Criminal Justice. However, I recently switched to
Information Technology (specializing in Digital Investigations) and that
process is happening within the next few weeks. 

I understand you will be out
of the office until the January 5th. I thought I would submit my resume
and give you a little background about myself to get the process
rolling. I’ll be as brief as possible. 

First, the reason for the
degree program switch was an economical strategy. I am interested in
going to law school at the end of this academic journey, and I
originally signed up for Criminal Justice to get my feet
wet in a pre-law scenario (AIU doesn’t have pre-law classes). However,
after digging deep through the Advanced Career program I’m in here
(Prof001/002), it helped me come to the conclusion I can still get into a
good law school as long as my grades are solid.

But let’s say I don’t go. A
criminal justice degree will not serve me well as I have no interest in
being a cop, correctional employee or security guard. Information
Technology/Digital Investigations has a higher income
median and I can do/enjoy the work. Call it a safety measure. 

All that being my future plans, let me explain the miserable current reality:

Up until I started this degree program, I had no defined career, nor
employment related to a career that I wanted. Mostly odd jobs, retail
and a few opportunities at management (in retail). When I started the
degree program, I was working at Walmart as a department
manager for only a few short months. I was let go recently (December
27th 2017). As of this writing, I am unemployed.

The thing is, I do not want
just ‘any’ job that will hire me anymore. I want to start working in a
field in harmony with my degree program. Even if it means working my way
up. The problem I foresee is I don’t have
enough recent experience in IT to get anything. I had some experience
way in the past but I barely remember the companies and the details.
Right now, I feel I am at the best place in my life to start from square
one to get my career right with your help.

Attached is my resume. The jobs are real but the dates are wrong. In
order to fill in gaps of work history, I extended them to seem
consistent. I can’t remember the actual dates. Most were quite short.
I’m also tired of ‘fudging’ my resume on each job and want
to start over with a transparent, real quality resume.

My work history is a mess. I
know it. A true resume would be 10 pages long. I’m hoping to start over
with the work I’m putting into my academic pursuits.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking to you soon

###

I gave her the best possible full details so we can start of swinging. I’ll report details when she gets back in the office.

Meanwhile, even though I’m home, I have been productive. I started working on my wife’s website for her soap making business. I think she’s going to do very well provided she makes it a priority. I find she makes it a ‘sometimes’ second priority. I shouldn’t talk. I have a history of making anything else second priority against the ‘project of the month’. That’s what makes this unemployment kind of odd to me: I made the job my priority. I did what I believed was right for the company.

Not to harp on that again, I’m just saying the next time around will be the same quality attention to work detail but to a job that fits the career and that’s what I’m hoping the coach will help me lock down. The wait a few days doesn’t bother me.

What bothers me is my son’s birthday is coming up and I have no money to get him anything. He’s graduating high school this year and I haven’t a clue, at this moment, how to get him anything he might want. Like his first car. I would love to get them for him.

It’s a slippery slope — these thoughts of what I ‘can’t’ do — that leads to depression. Especially when I’m not working. I hate to say “I have to stop thinking about what I can’t do for my children’ in order to stay grounded, but I have to kind of ‘ignore’ them, if that makes any sense. Not necessarily ‘them’…not necessarily their ‘needs’ because he doesn’t particularly ‘need’ anything for his birthday. Or ‘need’ a car. Well, they do. Albany GA is a rural butthole and his mother still doesn’t drive. After almost 15 years or so.

Look, the perspective is set: Keep moving forward with great grades. Shift to the new degree program. Cycle into whatever you can to help prepare for the LSAT. Still pursue work closer to the degree program. Even if it means interning. Volunteer for the Southern Poverty Law Center to keep close and connected. The end will justify, and adjust, everything else.

2018: Happy New Year

January 1st, 2018

I finished out 2017 by sleeping through it’s end, waking up refreshed in 2018. I intend that to be a sign of clarity moving forward.

I did wake up with an idea to write that long-anticipated ‘Walmart’ letter to the regional director (sort of a post-action plan), but realized that was 2017. It’s done. 

I don’t even have any complaints to add to what detailed with that company. I’m letting it all go and moving forward.

Having said that, I changed direction from ‘that’ previously mentioned idea to one that has been sitting on the back-burner for way too long. While I am looking for other work, I’ll promise myself to stay on track with this ‘project’. One I can’t mention here. Not yet. I can say that it’s to help find missing people as well as a form of security.

I guess in order for me to fund this project, I have to find work sooner than later. Originally, I thought to cash out the rest of my 401(k) sitting in Apple. I already took out 2K in order to fund Christmas and some previous bills. Mostly Christmas. I’m noticing that the dividend’s pile up rather swiftly in the Apple account. Cashing out will only leave me with nothing building in the background. Regardless of what money is siting in Walmart. I ought to watch that as well. So let that promise extend here: I won’t touch that money anymore. At least not this year. It’s there to be used in case of emergency. As far as I was concerned, it was. We have ‘things’ to live like a normal human now. Emergency over. Time to get back to saving.

What else….

I would say less complaining but this is what the journal is supposed to handle. If I can’t vent here … how and where can I? I find putting down my thoughts, no matter cruel or angry, keeps me from telling my thoughts to the people that don’t matter. Even those that ‘do’ matter need not know unfiltered truth. I need a place to be unfiltered and this is it. It’s working.

This is going to be a good year. I refuse to let it be a struggle.

So, the current assessment:

Entered 2018 with a splendid, consistent 4.0 GPA. About to change to information technology. Unemployed, but in a stronger mental position than I was last year this time. I’m with my children until the 2nd, so that makes me happy. They start school on the 4th. 

Internet Death Threats – A Toothless Fang-less Pussy (cat)

December 30th, 2017

No, I’m not receiving death threats. As of this date, barely anyone even notices I’m writing a life’s journal.

But, I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately online about people getting death threats based on the things they may have said online. From either side of the political/social fence you might be on: say something against white nationalists, you get a bunch of threats from nationalists. Say something against Blacks, Jews, Gays, or anyone else NOT straight WASP White, you get backlash and death threats, too.

Constantly reading about folks needing to move … physically move from their homes and relocate their families … because of death threats. Leave their jobs and such for the protection of their families.

Again, I have never been the focus of a death threat and, it’s in my opinion, that should offer comfort for the person(s) that would have/could have issued the threat in the first place. If you have read anything of my journal, you know my position on people in the first place. So it shouldn’t come to a surprise that if I were to ever be ‘hinted’ at a death threat — to quote Mark Hamill — “Things will not go the way that you think.”

I’m of the frame of mind that anything issued via text, online or on an electronic device ‘threatening to kill me’, is issued from a punk ass pussy that’s spineless to step within inches of my face and do the same thing. The internet is wrought with cowards. Infantile cowards hidden by anonymous screen names and hidden VPN IP addresses, trolling because they hate and have very little backbone to act.

Another form of cowardly acts are people with rifles shooting up places. Mostly because it comes right after they are proven cowards in any other form of life. Including getting bullied. Can’t rule that out. So, you are getting beat-up and picked on at school or work, so your response is to come in and shoot everyone, including those who had nothing to do with you? And likely die from your own gunshot wounds or a police shoot out? That’s your master plan? Fucking cowards. This is America. Don’t like what I say? Send an anonymous death threat by messenger. Can’t handle things around you? Shoot everyone.

This is where it can be assumed my opinion and response to life is considered ham-fisted. Maybe an alternative blunt instrument point of view. But, it makes life simple this way:

Fear no man.

He/she bleeds and can die just like you. He/she has no more power over you than you have over him or her. Tear away the excess talking and showmanship — tear away the lies they post about their lives and people they know online and you’ll be confronted with a person that has fears just like you about many other things in life. You can reserve those fears for things like finding another job (case in point), the wellness of family and close friends, where your next meal will come from. That sort of thing.

But to fear another human being is laughable. To fear a human being sending a death threat by email is ridiculous.

I’m more than likely to invite the person who threatened me to act on it. I’m not moving. I’m not changing locations. I’m not leaving my job. What I’m surprised I’m not hearing out there is a reversal of situations: “Thanks for the death threat. Now, I’m coming for you. Good luck hiding.”

You see, it’s bizarre to me that anyone who would consider sending a threat isn’t expecting to be hunted. My soul wouldn’t hear of it. Not with my background.

The idea of threatening me, if he/she is lucky, will get a response short of publicly shaming the person who sent it — but it gets a little dark when you threaten my children.

Suddenly, the person who issued the threat is in the cross-hairs and there will be nowhere to hide. I won’t send emails. I won’t do the back and forth. I’ll find the person, show up when he/she least expects it and finish that person on their doorstep — with my bare (gloved) hands.

And leave no trace with a successful alibi. You see, it’s not enough to retaliate a threat with a threat. It’s an extermination and, hopefully, teach a lesson.

So, yes. I’m advocating harassing your harassers because they have no true backbones. If you’re not into settling scores, then ignore the threats because I don’t believe they have the balls/eggs to act on them.

And if they DO act on them, they are likely sloppy, inexperienced untrained assholes that will leave themselves open for a self-defensive killing that will only underscore how much of a pussy they were.

This begs to ask the question: What if they do show up and try to kill me and my family?

This is 2017 going into 2018. If you’re not paying attention to your environment with the cautiousness that ANYONE will likely house invade, rob, steal, try to kill, try to shoot you —- then you’re isolated and living under a rock. The advantage of calling out a harasser is there is no mystery to who’s coming for you and you can take action. Call the police, keep pressing on the offender’s whereabouts, or simply take that fucker out yourself. No matter how you spin it, fearing other people keeps you in a state of running.

In regards to being bullied — let’s look at the reality. You solved NOTHING by killing yourself. In comparison, you can solve EVERYTHING by beating the bully’s ass publicly. Not with a gun. Humans fear a knockout and I promise you — I swear to you — the next person that even entertains the idea of touching you will think twice. I so advocate taking out people that lay hands on you. More importantly, it must be done in front of others. It has to. Otherwise, it’s a private fight between you and the bully that no one will believe — or be able to spread far and wide to leave you the fuck alone.

I’ve had — maybe — four fights in my lifetime. Zero losses. Two without training. Two with training (gotta love the US Military). My advantage was height and rage. Blood thirst, they called it. While the other thought we were just going to punch each other into submission, I was looking to extract his life. A whole lot of choking — a whole lot of people trying to get me off of them. A whole lot of me throwing people off of me. Always the same.

But here I am. 49 years old and telling you — only four fights.

Four.

Mostly because I avoid them. The best tactic to win a fight is to avoid it. Not necessarily run.. I did a lot of that when I was younger, especially if I was outnumbered but that was like, maybe, twice. The rest of life was simply not taking shit from a shit-talker, don’t be confrontational on asshole levels and avoiding people as a matter of practice.

So, you ask, how do you beat a man/woman bigger than you that’s bullying you?

First, go for the knees. Bring them down to eye-level or to the ground and beat the shit out of them with a brick. Never said fighting had to be fair, just with your hands or something in your hands. No guns. Fairly partial to knives.

Second, if that persons advantage is muscle and height, you have to control that fear and use your other advantages. Lack of fear would be your best condition but, I get it — you’re afraid and you still need to deal with this fool.

I still don’t believe a gun is the answer. It creates fear in the opponent, but not of YOU. You’re just a coward now holding a piece of metal to make the other person fearful. Put the gun away or if it’s out of bullets, you’re finished.

It’s hard to say what you should do at a random moment. Are you alone? Does he/she have a gang of people around them? Can you run? Can you, stealth like, take him out another day? Are you prepared to train and fight another day?

All I know, with or without training, wanting to finish the next man that touched me has always been embedded in my heart so my approach to fighting disarmed most opponents. I don’t square off. I’m not afraid to be hit and I’m coming in like a heat seeking missile. Always, all the time, they are backing up — dancing backwards with their hands up as if trying to showboat, but I already see the fear. They’re backing away from me and I’m coming for them. They swing. One might connect, but I’m still coming. One might miss, but I’m on them. Grabbing them. More like wrestling than fighting. Looking to break an arm. Looking to choking the air out of them. Looking to smash their head (which I did) into a car window — hoping to smash it through. Damn car windows are hard to break. At least with someone’s head. Never did accomplish that. (bucket list fail).

But it makes them stumble. Fallback even more. They run, bleeding. I’m still coming. We’re not done yet. People are all over me — trying to stop me. I’m throwing people off me with hand twists I totally forgot about; just bubbling up from nowhere. I’m raging. They can’t stop me until I simply run out of steam and wonder what the fuck just happened.

Any professional would tell you, that kind of rage in fighting isn’t safe — so only four fights in my life is a badge of honor with no prison time.

But if you are confronted, refuse to use a gun and someone is putting their hands on you — let the beast out. Let them hear you roar. Something they won’t forget. More than one person assaulting you? Never stay on one target too long and approach the biggest one first to watch the rest of the dominoes fall.

Where did all this come from?

Obviously too much time on my hands to read articles and the news. Listening to people getting scared by other people. Listening to bullies threaten people.

Watching videos of that Charlottesville Virginia White Nationalist violence. I’m thinking, if this alt-right thing attempts to take it too far, that’s a war I’m more than willing to take to them. But, cowards come in gangs. No matter the numbers, they are just a big grouping of cowards: afraid of evolutionary and social change. Somehow, they think violence will affect that change and belay their fears. Truth is, they’re only building a counter army of what they fear most — people like me willing to exterminate them.

If they would only understand no one has it out for ANYONE unless they are threatening.

So what if you‘re White? If you feel your numbers are decreasing, it’s likely an issue within your own culture. So I always ask, which culture? Irish? Italian? German? Jewish? “White” is just a color — I’m asking what ethnicity are these people trying to say is diminishing? History has proven if these nationalists were to rid every Black person away from the planet, they will find a reason to hate something else. Could be a planet of just white people but it will go back to basics: the Irish are the problem. The Polish are the problem. The Russians are the problem.

So, to all white people, I say life is grand and no malice comes to you from a race that will defend itself.

I suppose that’s what white nationalists are trying to imply: that they are defending themselves. From what? I don’t spend my days plotting to rid the world of white people. Only fear generates suspicion and conspiracy theories and that’s one race that harbors fear like a shield. Check the ‘need to have a gun’ stats if you don’t believe me.

I guess what I should say is this: To white people out there with intelligence, can you please police your white nationalist/alt-right brethren before you get lumped into the pit of all being racist assholes.

Lately, I’ve been defending your race from attacks by ‘my people’ online who are truly thinking “All White People” are racists. Which of course, is not true. Your problem is that you don’t engage and respond to your own people. Uncle Joe is saying racist things? Your response: “Oh, that’s just uncle joe. Ignore him.” I went through that at Delta when I worked there. Obvious and clear racist fool worked there. I was told to ignore him. I didn’t and confronted him about it. What I didn’t like that others thought I shouldn’t have confronted him. That is where I have a problem with people of all flavors: don’t transfer your fears to me.

Blacks don’t have it right on our side of the fence either. Blacks should be policing our own assholes, too, before all white people believe all we do is thieve, rob and do some sort of crime.

Now, this is where humanity is what I know it to be. The average black American doesn’t share ‘love’ for the next person of color because we know that person fucking up is Jamaican, or Haitian, or from Africa or from other ‘cultures’ or families that don’t connect directly to us. Black is just a color. DNA can prove diverse tribes.

No more than two White people, one German one Italian, police each other if one of them is a gangster. There is no cultural, tribal desire to interfere in whatever the other person is doing. And being ‘American’ isn’t the bond that unites us — until another terror attack, I guess. For about a week after 9/11, the harmony was genuine.

Being American actually schools you to make money, fuck others if they are not (capitalism), give only if it’s a tax break and try to ‘look’ like you’re doing well even if you aren’t. Oh, and have a gun. Always have a gun for defense. Lol….like the idiots that claim they ‘wish’ they had a gun at the Vegas shooting a few months back. And shoot what shooting at you from 1000 yards in a snipers perch? Most people can’t even shoot straight from ten feet.

You know, a few days ago, I did the unthinkable: deleted something I posted. It turned out to be the rantings of a very angry person so I just clipped it. That’s what this one sounds like but this time I’m leaving it.

A reminder that I’m leaving 2017 right where it belongs and attempt to shed this ugliness for people …and of people …into 2018.

Cause 2017 sucked balls and 99.9% of the people in it were assholes of the highest order including the king asshole in the White House right now.

Job Loss

December 29th 2017

On December 28th, 2017, I went into work to find out that they terminated me. 

No warnings. No conversations. 

Just released. 

First, I have to say, I will never work for Walmart again. Ever. Under no circumstances or dire needs. Ever.

I want to say the same about any retail, but we shall see.

The reason: Attendance. I called out three times since July, but the reality is this management and I have crossed swords too many times, so I had no safety net.

On one hand, it’s the same old story for me. Gotta look for another job. The tired, endless rejections and begging to work somewhere. It’s exhausting and belittling.

On the other hand, I’m free.

I hated this place. I hated the customers that frequented that place. I hated the management for not letting me ‘manage’ my department. I dreaded every time I went into work and weaved every chance I could to work a schedule that did not include seeing anyone. It’s all documented in this journal my disgust for this company. Nothing new.

So what now?

School is doing well, but it was independent of working. What job I have (or don’t have) doesn’t affect my achievement at school. It’s all covered by financial aid. Regarding the process to change degree programs, it will occur after this current term (around late January). 

The loss of the job is heavy though: a regular paycheck, medical insurance (again), child support payments, discounts. That sort of thing.

I’m content with the loss of Walmart, but maybe not how it went down and knowing I tried to offer much more than what they let me do.

My kids are here with me for the holidays. They go back next week around the second or third of January. I received my second to last paycheck. The last one will be for about a day or two.

Sigh.

The next job I want needs to be in harmony with my career choice.

But even that is imbalanced. Criminal justice? Information Technology? Lawyer? Right at this moment, I am feeling I don’t have direction when I thought I did. Walmart should not have been the catalyst to my direction. It wasn’t. It was just a paycheck.

Truth is, I feel a little lost at the moment. I think it will pass. Like this annoying cough I have had for a few weeks now. Odd how it started clearing up the moment I was let go from the job.

So what now?

I can’t spend my days mad. The kids are here. Let’s regroup and consider options after I take them home. Right now, brooding with them here won’t make things good.

I will say this: I think I’m getting sick and tired of my eldest daughter (16) coming to see me. She’s constantly in this angry, silent teen thing and, since I don’t suffer anyone, there is conflict from time to time. I find I conflict mostly with women anyway. Like women have this idea that they can say, do and give shit … and as a man, I’m supposed to ‘take it’ without saying anything. 

Oh, no. I do say something, which seems to keep women at arms length from me. I’ve noticed that. Calling a spade a spade is necessary to prevent being a punk bitch. Everyone is always looking to make someone a punk bitch. But my daughter … she’s not within my influence. Not like my youngest daughter, from a different marriage. I see her often because she lives closer. I have equal amount of influence on her personality. She might not come out as surly as the eldest.

I hate that. Most of all, I hate her mother. Fucking whore. She drove the wedge between my daughter and I. Long, long story …but it helped me understand I know how to find missing persons when I went searching for them.

I’m angry right now. It will pass. I’ll try not to think of Walmart, old relationship dramas and wallow in unemployment sorrow AT LEAST till the kids go home. 

For not even that long. Pity party quick and just find another job.

Tightrope

December 24th 2017

Did not get a write-up at Walmart. Walked in Thursday, worked Friday and Saturday — no sit downs. No ‘come to the office’ Nothing. I think it was because I ‘did’ tell a supervisor I was leaving (even though they considered him a low ranking supervisor). Well played on my part.

So, my schedule was 7-4 on Saturday. I’m off today (Sunday). You know I hate working full shifts on a Saturday. The zoo is in full swing. 

And you might also want to know they (management) don’t want me to come in early anymore. I was coming to work at 3AM, leaving at noon to avoid the scum. They wanted me to stop doing that in order to have me around for the full shift when they are there.

Now, when I left Friday at 4pm, the shelves were practically empty. The people that come to this store — maybe all Walmart’s — are in this scavenger mode. I’m at this point where I can put ANY toy out and watch it vanish from the shelves. Last minute buyers are insane.

To be honest, the problem is what I mentioned earlier: adults feeling they need to buy a child in their family a ‘gift’, all look like they are laboring to do so. I watch these fools come through the department all day —- looking like they would rather not spend the money or play that ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ business. Today. In the world of internet access. You’re going to tell me you don’t know what the fuck you’re looking for? You certainly know how to jump on Facebook or twitter or find what store has your damn Jordan’s at.

The majority of adults shopping for children hate doing it and when they do buy something, it’s usually not what the kid wanted because they didn’t try to put any effort into it. Then you know what happens next: returns. Lots and lots of returns.

So, back to what happened …

With the shelves empty on Friday, and I know I have plenty of toys in the back room, and I know the overnight crew is NEVER efficient enough to put out the amount of toys I need them to do, I listened to my conscience and got there at 12:30AM to stock out as many toys as possible and help with the 12-shopping carts of returns.

Fuck ‘em. it’s my department. I do as I see fit.

So, I’m expected to leave at 10AM. They (management) is coming at me at 9AM wondering why I came in early.

It’s fucking two days before Christmas. Why the FUCK wouldn’t I? Especially if I’m off on Sunday and not coming in to do the freight. 

Maybe, when I’m long gone, I hope someone from Walmart reads this and holds some sort of sympathy for a worker that gave a damn. Ha! Unlikely.

The upside: I cleared 8 of my bins in the backroom. The official bins, not the bins they randomly shoved toys into.

If they have any common sense, they’ll have all the toys taken out of the excess bins and off the pallets and onto the shelves last night. That should have been the focus for the past three nights but what the fuck do I know?

This is why I titled this entry ‘tightrope’. I’m playing a dangerous game with Walmart. Testing their authority against the right thing to do. If I DIDN’T come in, they wouldn’t have had toys on the shelf. Well, it’s not like I filled it ‘all’ … I’m just saying they wouldn’t have had as much as they did because I put out a lot of toys. Yes, ‘a lot is quantifiable.’

The problem with NOT talking about Walmart is, at this time, it’s the only job I have. School is on Christmas break until Wednesday. Walmart has dominated my life until whatever the future holds with this Bachelor’s degree. At the moment, it’s all I have.

By the way, the academic adviser never got back to me about changing majors. I probably missed her before she went on the break. Wednesday, my second class on Criminal Justice begins and I’m just wondering if it’s too late for me to make the switch to Digital Investigations. We’ll see. 

Yesterday, I hired a local maid service to come through and clean the place. In the previous marriage, at the house I once lived in, we used a rent-able maid service almost on a weekly basis. At first, I was uncomfortable with it. After a few weeks, I was spoiled with it.

I guess that’s the reason I’m trying to have some understanding for my wife right now. She didn’t look comfortable with having people over cleaning her place. 

So, one might suggest if your uncomfortable with people cleaning your place — why not clean it yourself. Save the money. Her cleaning aptitude — or maybe even her will to want to clean — is on the low end of the spectrum.

Me? I don’t mind cleaning, but the more I’m working and studying, the less I have the energy to do anything else. Same for her. I especially wanted the place cleaned for when the kids get here.

They did a great job. Mostly wiped down, vacuumed and tightened up the joint. Go into the corners of the bathroom we often overlook. Made it semi-showroom ready for guests. Even the bathroom towels and toilet paper were folded in hotel style corners. That was a sweet touch. I’ll call them back in a few weeks. Maybe once a month, you know?

So yes. I’m in a lifestyle shift where I’m hiring people to clean my place, making Christmas happen for the kids (each of them have a gift including my wife this year), everyone has medical insurance. I have money in the bank and in my pocket. I have 401(k) still at Apple and at Walmart. I’m happy (today) with a solid academic track record. Should I be fucking with Walmart’s authority if, indeed, half of my happy life is based on Walmart’s payroll?

It’s a leap of faith for me to say ‘my happy life is based on ME and changes I made’ … particularly when ‘me’ doesn’t pay ‘me’ $15.00/hr. Am I happy because I have money or because I’m improving my life? 

Well, let’s break it down and tally the score based on HAVE MONEY/IMPROVED LIFE: 

School was paid for 100% by federal loans. Not ONE dime out of pocket — to which I am grateful. If I had to pay out of pocket, I wouldn’t have been able to go. (Have Money)

I purposely made sure I paid off whatever previous payments in order for me to successful get the federal loans to go back to school. If I didn’t willingly focus on paying those off, I wouldn’t have been able to get the federal loans. (Improved Life)

My credit score went up TEN POINTS this month. (Improved Life)

I had the money to make payments to past bills to get my score to start rising. (Have Money)

I’m more than likely going to graduate in 2020 (Improved life)

My children are covered medically (Improved life) (Have money)

The more I look at this list, the reality is showing it’s not really the old saying “Money can’t bring you happiness.” Money and life improvement/happiness is a symbiosis cycle. One lives off of and reacts to the other. 

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and always looking over my shoulder all the time (stressed), buying expensive cars, but needing to carry a gun at all times. It’s what I do to make money and how I use it.

I can have money, working at Walmart making $15/hr, dealing with asshole customers and management (stressed) and focused on dong the best for my family, paying off bills; and be happy.

or …

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and look out for my community and my family. Keeping a low key lifestyle and doing what’s right for others with the money I make. Very cautious and paranoid, but happy.

I can have money working at Walmart, spending my money on things other than my family or drinking it away. Always in debt and behind in my rent and other bills.

There is no right or wrong. If I had the tolerance to duck and dodge the federal government, law enforcement and people that wanted to steal my money, I’d be a drug dealer in a heartbeat. Still spending the money on improving my family without expensive cars. Well, no. I’d buy a corvette or a Tesla. Why? Cause I can imagine the stress of living daily with the assumption of getting killed or going to prison the next day is a ‘get it now before it’s too late’ kind of lifestyle.

At my age, I’m doing the right thing right now.

I just need to tweek it a bit. Somehow, more money would be nice. over the next few years while going back to school — without trying to be a drug dealer, thank you.

OH YES! Almost forgot. I started writing a script for a 30-page short film. For who? For me. After seeing ‘The Last Jedi’, which I was very disappointed in, the feeling I got was … I need to do a film of my own. So, I started writing something based on older characters I wrote about before. Something I can contain in limited locations and expense. The idea is I will start building film-making equipment and look to do something in the spring.

Where did that come from, right? I thought I abandoned film-making in favor of a serendipitous (holy shit! I spelled that right on the first go!) lifestyle through academic means. Well, like I said before — I’m doing so well in school, I feel I can get ANYTHING done.

Refocused-Realigned

December 20th 2017

If you count Monday, I’ve stayed home from Walmart three days and it’s been refreshing. Like I shed my dirty skin of that place and got back to basics.

My finals are coming back for the two classes I had this term and I got an “A” for PRES111 and I’m anticipating an “A” for ENG107. I honestly think I’ve lined myself up for another Dean’s List and I’m extremely excited about that.

You see, these are the things that matter most. Yes, I’m taking a hit in the wallet for taking these days off. But what I am gaining: perspective, is worth a million dollars. Could I have gained this peace and perspective while at work?

No. I haven’t reached that zen Buddhist level of peace under fire.

And under fire I certainly was.

Everything I do there seems unappreciated and challenged. So to come home and do what’s important to me successfully truly underscores Walmart’s loss is my gain. Time and time again, I wanted to give this place my all and upper management ego gets in the way. 

I also ‘get’ why academia is important to the soul. Something I never understood before. Passing grades and success in school is treated like a score card. Like having lots of money is a score card. People think and treat you in a way befitting what your academic/financial success tells them.

You also treat YOURSELF better.

Never mind, as I have said before, that you may be good at what you do WITHOUT a degree. The professional acknowledgement of your skills is better than acknowledging to yourself alone. It doesn’t even help with the self-esteem.

Getting honors at school sets the record in your own spirit that you do know what the fuck you are doing—if at least in academia—so the flaws or conflicts you have in other things don’t come off so harshly. 

I swore I was doing a good job at Walmart as a department manager. Upper management makes me feel I am not doing a good job. Self-confidence I’m building academically is telling me I can challenge their assessment whereas before, when nothing else was working out in life for me, my confidence level was lower than dirt.

Walmart is just a fucking job and I need to treat it as such.

What I do need to do is roll over that confidence to other things: writing, law school, another job.

These past few days have bolstered my energy levels and reminded me I’m better than Walmart and it’s management. Well, let me rephrase. Not ‘better’, but just on a different path that conflicts with Walmart’s ego culture.

I believe I’ll be walking into Walmart tomorrow to get written up (Coached) for leaving Monday. Like I said, I did tell a supervisor but they’ll try to weave that into a ‘thing’. I’m prepared to go there without worrying about it.

Might even do some overtime to get more money out of that place. I’m on winter break with my studies. All is moving smoothly.

OH! I never mentioned, a week or so ago, I got an email from the Southern Poverty Law Center and it’s volunteer department. The idea was to volunteer with the group so I can get closer to the workings of practicing law. Make a connections.

So yes, of course, I never responded back. That’s my to do right after I post this. I have to fight this anti-social thing. It’s practically a ‘vice’.

Update:

I had a chance to speak to my cousin. He’s a cool source of inspiration. We spoke about the possibility of me changing majors. He thought a criminal justice could only go so far. I’ve been feeling that as well. It’s mostly for a glorified security guards.

Not far from the same work is something of interest to me: 
Bachelor of Science in Information Technology degree with a specialization in Digital Investigations.

Still investigations but focused on IT, which is a more in demand field each passing year. This way, before and during law school, this degree would do something more for me than criminal justice.

Done with Walmart

December 18th 2017

I get up, often, 3am to get to work at 4am.

The departments are usually a bloody mess.

I would like to think. when I do come in. I do a lot of work I’m supposed to.

Christmas season is the worst.

So from 4am till 7am its really a lot of recovery.

But we have a bitch store manager that didn’t think I did anything.

So, I clocked out and went home.

I’m sick of this job. I’m sick of this bitch store manager. I’m sick of everything right now. Under appreciated is the general feeling. 

I’m calling out tomorrow and I’m off Wednesday. Ill go back Thursday. I need these days to rethink. Cause this job isn’t it. Not it at all.

More like this ‘life’ isn’t it for me. To be honest.