It seems, regardless of my previous mood, the plan of action at Walmart was a success. Today, I was offered the job of Department Manager of Toys and Sporting Goods and I accepted.
Everything is moving according to the proposed strategy I laid out at the top of this journal. What I need to remember, constantly, is to “stick to the plan”.
This with an ongoing 4.0 GPA.
This is a good day. This is a great series of events toward my reinvention.
The money is better than being a regular associate plus I already know the job from previous experience. It’s just $15.00/hr but I know the overtime will kick it up a bunch.
Now, I’m back in command and can own a department(s). All the while, maintaining a solid grade average at AIU. Walmart may even offset some of the university bill.
And don’t forget full benefits! I can get my kids enrolled immediately. I’m doing my job for them as I always wanted. These back to back successes; staying on track, make me feel happy.
Not bad for two months. I started July 20th. It’s September 16th.
Next stop: Assistant Manager. With the kind of money I can get Donna and I out of this apartment.
I found a way to elevate this rash of anger lately. Tried it out for a couple of days since the last post and I can confirm, with further practice, I will be able to move forward on a great many things.
No, it has nothing to do with drinking.
It actually beings and ends on my perspective. Not so much ‘how’ I think but ‘where’ I view things.
First, let me address what was triggering me.
When I walk about my day; anywhere — at work, at the mall, walking through the library, I typically keep my head up and find myself looking at people in the eyes. This is what I see:
Notice the judgmental eyes. Notice the rolling of eyes (which I get a lot of). This is with me greeting people with a smile, no less. I get it’s not MY problem and it’s whatever is going on in their lives. I get that. Still, we are taught to walk with our heads up, look people in their eyes when you meet them.
Key important words: ‘when you meet them’. Not necessarily BEFORE you meet them.
When I look at people, I get these evil expressions that wear me down. Then I’m looking at the whole frame and conduct my own set of judging (i.e., angry fat motorized cart people, people on their phones all the time, etc, etc). The world goes round and round. Repetitively hammering while I’m always wondering why everyone is looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.
I’ve long since stopped looking down to the ground when I walk about. People who look downward tend to slouch, walk and motion in a downward spiral. I’m always teaching my kids to keep their back straight and look up when walking.
Lately, in order to avoid looking at people, I have tried looking down when walking about but it was not ‘me’. Very uncomfortable.
A few months ago, I had a conversation with someone about my height (6′2″). I mentioned I don’t feel like I am any taller than anyone else. I mentioned that I feel average. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t.
That was part of the problem.
I’m walking about feeling that I’m on the same height level as everyone else; trying to be on the same level as others and not being accepted. Thus feeling angry and causing a lot of hate.
Before this gets any more egotistical, I need to underscore I’m talking about height, not state of mind —- HOWEVER, this new process I’m doing is triggering an enlightening of my thinking and doing the unthinkable: that I’m not on the same level as others and I should stop trying to go low.
The ‘fix’ was simple and, seemingly, life changing that effectively stopped this daily hate thing I was going through:
Notice the area above their heads. For my height, it’s an easy thing to do, look above and beyond them. Instead of trying to narrow my vision, when I’m walking, to look at those passing me, my head is up and my vision is over them — past them. As a result, I don’t notice people as persistent as I was doing. Not looking at their eyes UNLESS they are specifically addressing me or I need to talk to them.
The results are fantastic. At least for me. I can’t say what it does for people shorter. They would have their own demons to defeat. For me, I am looking over people and I won’t try to ‘not’ be tall. By looking past people, I really do ignore them and get back to thinking about where I’m going. Literally and figuratively. I’m back to thinking of creative thinking as well since the space that was filled with fear, anger and worry what people thought of me is being replaced with the stories and ideas that made me who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s only been a few days. As I walk about, I still automatically look at people passing me and I see those eyes again. I’ll never understand why they look at me. It’s something I need to work on and keep training myself to look above people.
Is it about being ‘better’ than others?
No. I’m thinking it’s more about being better.
Now it’s up to someone else to wonder if I think I’m better than them or not and it won’t be my concern. I’m moving forward without thinking about the next person until I need to. Key important words: Until I need to.
Side note: A’s still coming in. GPA remains 4.0. I’ll be ending this set of classes with a perfect score and moving into actual Criminal Justice classes next month.
I couldn’t go to the pre-law event that started yesterday into this weekend. Couldn’t afford it. Still, I know about it now and it may make better sense to go next year during my sophomore years.
What’s the difference between a roach and a human?
Ans: Nothing.
Working at Walmart is killing any shred of “good will to all men” I might have had.
It’s clear, without a shadow of a doubt, the quality of customer that shops at an average Walmart is less than human especially during a potential (now a category 1…way in Florida). Barely a tropical storm when it reaches us. So, what do they do? Become this scavenger horde, buying everything off the shelves and demanding why there isn’t anything.
Because your fellow Walmart shoppers at idiots.
Then you have plenty of fools gathering full shopping carts of things and leaving them. Go back a journal entry and, I promise you, that meat, milk and other perishable products you left there for hours will be waiting for your roach-ass when you get back: front row center.
I also remember saying I wouldn’t complain about Walmart.
The situation is, my collegiate efforts are untroubled. Still nursing a 4.0 GPA….surprisingly. Attendance is perfect. I’m early with assignments.
So, with ‘work’, my efforts to climb the ladder are stalled by common Southern slowness. I don’t remember, in New York, any process to advance being so fucking slow. They have empty slots for department managers and support managers, they’ll eventually get around to interviewing people for these positions but they are still unfilled.
What happens will be, if you eventually get the position(s), you have weeks of work undone. Oh, and don’t forget, there is no overtime allowed. Fuckers.
It used to be, my educational efforts would be drowning, but my labor efforts were sound. The reverse is refreshing, allowing me to have a better perspective: I’m at Walmart for the cash and the cash only.
Still, getting the cash is like begging a bitch for some ass. Slow and round and round to get to an eventual inevitable end that we all know I’m going to get.
You would think that perspective would calm me; stopping being so angry at people around me. If you would just immerse yourself in the world that I see: fat, annoying people always ALWAYS with a phone attached to their ears. Always talking ‘at’ me, expecting me to think they are talking ‘to’ me. Roaches that drop food in t e wrong places and thieves.
The best part of my day is watching these idiots come into the store, eating the grapes and cherries. Grazing they call it. Since I’ve seen little kids with their snot noses, people sneezing and coughing reaching into the bags. Dropping the grapes on the floor and putting them back in the back — it’s been great watching these fuckers likely get Salmonella, E. coli (Escherichia coli). …Listeria. …Campylobacter. …Staphylococcus aureus. …Shigella. …Hepatitis A or
Noroviruses. Warning them, as I have, doesn’t help. They always say the same thing: I need to know if it’s sweet.
By tasting ONE grape, they are actually getting any of the above viruses. The only thing sweet happening is personal satisfaction for me that they’ll get sick. Especially the old folks. They don’t listen for shit.
I’ve spoken about this subtle process in news media for years. Whenever I brought it up in Facebook, nobody seemed to get it. I’ve brought my venting to an end on Facebook long ago. You can’t bring up topics to people who are oblivious to things anyway.
Basically it’s this:
There’s a hurricane going on. The media, somehow, catches this man giving the last generator to this woman. A heart warming story.
IF…and that’s a big “IF” you can find any stories that feature Blacks in the story, they will be of despair and ruin. The focus is MOSTLY on white people and the happy faces of them either braving the storm or having a baby.
Meanwhile, people of color articles are far and few between with those available show how desperate we look.
This is a small example of what we get all year long.The white military father comes home and surprises his daughter. Meanwhile, a black man is reported to have robbed or murdered someone. Weather and sports at 11.
It’s these “Quality of life” articles that give the impression that blacks are the minority. I can go as far as Nebraska and back and ALWAYS see Black people —- and that’s probably the scheme. Keep them thinking they are a minority, they won’t overtake us. Case in point: the election of President Obama.
You can spin it anyway you want. The bottomline: every Black person in America voted for one man. Meanwhile, it went back to status quo to elect Donald Trump. Not so much there was an overwhelming amount of Whites. Just all of Blacks threw their hands up. I’m one of them.
They are afraid of the sheer amount of us. I get that. I see it in their racist faces. This is why there’s all of this recent White Nationalism lately.
Truth be told, if the amount of people who voted for President Obama gathered together to exterminate each and ever KKK and Alt-White Nationalist, the fighting would be over in a day.
But, the pressure is put on everyone to believe Whites are brave and have children and are happy all the time…. and Blacks are lowly, sullen, homeless and struggling.
Watch the enemy. White Nationalists, in their own voices, swear they are being exterminated. The fact is it’s true.
True in a good way, though.
Alt-White bastards and Nationalists be damned, average Caucasians with no malice have nothing to worry about. We could live together as one as long as we stamp out people trying to hold onto a slave-master mentality. Get rid of the concept of us being minorities — I am minor to no one.
Get rid of confederate statues and signs of visible oppression from a war THEY lost. Stop feeding us news of Blacks always stealing and Whites always succeeding. Balance the act by showing both races equally on all topics. Successes, losses, good and evil.
I don’t know whats going on. All my class work is done for the next week. I’m early with it all. I just feel I need to do more.
At the same time, I don’t want to write (my stories). I’m feeling they are a zero-sum game these days.
I am worried about my children in South Georgia with this storm coming. The weather reported that it would be just a tropical storm by the time it reaches them. Traffic from people evacuating Florida and the Georgia coast is insanely stacked. If I went to get them, I probably wouldn’t be coming back in time for work.
If the storm does become an emergency situation, I’ve lost the time to get them. All this an the inability to afford to run there and back during a work week anyway.
The frustration I have for the bitch ‘ex’ for taking my kids down there in the first place is immense as the storm itself. It’s not enough that the bitch kidnapped them and I had to settle with this arrangement in the first place. Its the frequent storms they get and I feel she put them in harms way.
I swear if there was a way for this crisis in the weather to kill that bitch and save my kids, I’d sell my soul for that option easy no questions asked.
The issues I had of the previous week socially — extreme hate for people — took a greater toll than I had a chance to discuss.
As mentioned, I joined a few organizations to improve my career status: Elks, Kiwanis, Toastmasters. I was supposed to go to the Elks and Kiwanis meetings this past week but failed to do so. I can use the excuse that I was working, which I was, but truthfully I didn’t want to see anyone. Did not want to talk to anyone.
I can’t explain this burning hate. Almost psychotic. Very much allergic of being around people. I can’t quite say agoraphobic; I don’t mind going out. It’s just any place groupings of people are going to be, you WON’T find me. Parties, sporting events, clubs, bars, etc, etc. The movies is okay, but these days people using their phones in the theaters DURING the movie makes me want to go ballistic.
So I didn’t go to the initial meetings for those organizations and it depressed me. You see, I KNOW I have to do better. I’m trying. That’s why I reached out to join these things.
Toastmasters was Tuesday night at 6:30pm. I brought my application and my money order for club fees. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like the people who were talking and speaking (the point of Toastmasters, right?) were annoying me to the core.
So I left. Handed my application and fees and left early.
Once out, I felt an overwhelming calm. Like that feeling you might get from being released from prison. Like the world was finally open to me.
Makes NO sense why I feel that way but here it is. I’ve always felt this way, honestly. It’s just me trying to fight it these days.
The problem is, based on some 48 years of personal study, I am to understand I don’t LOOK anti-social.
People see me and think not only am I going to steal their pussy; like I’m some sort of pretty boy player — they say I look like I would date a white girl. Often called serious. Often handsome.
The point of view of myself is far, far less than what others see. I think of myself as a joke just getting by. Never sure why I was ever married before or now. What drew women to me. Lots of sex over the years but, in my head, I think I mostly caught women during a ‘hunger’ rather than a ‘wanting choice’. Kind of like how a fat girl gets laid by random strangers. Would the guy fuck her by choice? Nope. She’s there. Nobody needs to know. She’s willing to take the dick. Get off and move on. I think that has been why I’ve gotten so much ass over the years: I’m that fat bitch. lol.
Seriously, I have to control this anti-social situation. No I don’t want to get back on Lexipro. The shit makes me nauseous and a zombie over time. With low sex drive.
Interestingly, I found drinking (liquor) opens me up a little. Yeah, that sounds funny because that’s what drinking is supposed to do. I don’t drink so it’s a whole new layer of shit I have to consider.
I don’t have an addictive trait so being an alcoholic wouldn’t be the problem.
I have to test this out. Maybe this week.
In the past, I found taking a little swig of alcohol (on an empty stomach) relaxed me to talk to anyone. Too much made me say too much (lololol) … just enough allowed me to not give a fuck about who’s around me.
So, cheaper than drugs, I’ll consider buying “liquid courage” and go to the next toastmasters meeting.
The problem with alcohol is the smell. People can always tell when someone is drinking. I sure can. Maybe it’s those who drink too much. Like it coming out of their pores. Like smokers. I don’t want to be THAT guy.
If my drinking sums up to one small glass, once a month, when needed, I guess it can’t be that bad. Just to get over some social hurdles.
See what you have to do in order to deal with people?
The break at AIU is over and I couldn’t be more elated. Downtime sucks. Not that I wasn’t busy on other things. I think the issue is something I mentioned a few posts back: the ordered path to success keeps me focused and happy. Allowed to figure out my own path creates uncertainty and, apparently, despair.
For instance, I literally felt my mood shift overnight lat last week. I was in sort of of “waking dream” — that moment between waking up and you’re still dreaming. I laid there feeling my optimism about people, things and what I was doing drain off. I remember saying to myself “Oh no! Not now! Not while everything was going so good.” I woke up and felt my usual ‘off’. That feeling that required I take some sort of Lexipro to reduce the anxiety.
The thing is, this was the first time I identified, clearly, when I had a severe mood shift. I’ve always felt I had little control of that changing of mood. One can argue that I have control of ‘fixing’ that downward spiral. On that, I agree with some of it. The effort is A LOT, though.
As a result, my hate for people all this week knew no bounds.
Especially at Walmart.
All customers annoyed the fuck out of me. Ever notice those fat ass people on the electric carts; rolling around with their asses bleeding over the seat like uncontrollable dough? If I were to ever get that fat, stuck in a fucking electric cart, carting behind a line of other fat folks…it would be permissible to kill me in the parking lot before I get my fat ass out of the car.
The other day, one of these fat asses rolled up to me, minus any pleasantries (cause you know, their fat, so their evil) and she wanted some sort of jello.
In my mind, I was like: “You fat fuck. It’s too late.”
The reality was, we didn’t carry what she was looking for in Produce. But she insisted that it used to be in the location she was pointing at — which of course did not carry ANYTHING remotely close to what she wanted.
Again, my mind was like: “You fat fuck.”
She rolls away, and 10 minutes later, she’s rolling back with another associate who came to ask me the same thing. She’s like “He don’t know.”
I was like: “You fat fuck!”
But what I said was: “It’s not that I don’t know. It’s more like your asking for jello in the produce department and looking for it on a shelf where there’s Guacamole and no fruit jello would ever be.”
So the fat fuck rolled off. In my mind, while I was contemplating the weight capacity of the cart she was on; feeling sorry for the cart— I’m like: “If you weren’t so fucking fat, you’d probably find what your looking for under your lard, you pig shit fuck.”
I think the problem at most retail stores is the lack of education we provide to the customer. The lazy bitches drop anything they want anywhere: grapes in electronics. Toys in grocery. I’ve witnessed these idiots just shove anything they weren’t buying anywhere. Packaged meat in clothing. So, fuck you if we return warm ass meat back on the shelves and you get some sort of disease.
I’ve seen milk sitting on shelves away from the fridge and sooner or later it just gets placed back in the fridge going from hot to cold. I get on my own wife when she does that shit. Mostly cause I know, in all retail worldwide, returns (or the stuff customers drop where ever they fucking please) could have been out for hours.
The better strategy when shopping would be to take all foods from the BACK. Not only are the expiration dates later but chances are that front facing cold milk was on the sales floor in electronics all night by a dumb fuck customer and their fucking kids.
Additionally, I’ve noticed just how many people are stuck to their phones. Mostly women (men wear head sets and they don’t look any less the asshole). One thing I can’t stand is listening to other peoples conversations.
Women are the most vile offenders. Talking very loud in a conversation. In some cases, talking loud on speakerphone. Why THE FUCK do I have to listen to your fucking bodily issues and what medicine your taking? Or why you’re leaving your boyfriend? Or what other bitch is talking about you?
It’s an “I don’t give a fuck” era. People don’t give a fuck that they’re obese. They don’t give a fuck that they are broadcasting their shit to everyone in hearing range. They don’t give a fuck about not paying attention to their fucking kids while constantly being on the phone 24/7/365.
Sigh.
On another, yet similar, note: my moves at Walmart are working.
I think I’ll have a department or supervising something soon. I can continue to hate every customer that walks in as long as the overall job is done. No worries about that because my personal plans are bigger than the fat fucks on the carts that, also, talk shit on their phones while bumping into shit. That’s the comedy of it all.
Fuck ‘em. The success I’m looking for is to get above this level of shit I mentioned earlier. The customer scum quality that comes to this store. The employee assholes that work there.
That dumbfuck Jessica, I mentioned way earlier; the one I had issues with, is still a problem but more on a personal level. I don’t talk to her if I don’t have to and she cuts her eyes at me for no reason.
If this journal is all about venting a feeling or two: I wish her lifelong employment at Walmart doing nothing but the same shit she’s dong now. Which sums up to be about nothing.
Another thing going on: Hurricane Irma. With any luck, it will wipe out the filth of Florida. The problem is: it will affect South Georgia where my kids are.
How do I get my kids and find a way to say their mother she can’t come with us?
Save the religious christian love your neighbor shit. I would love for the bitch to drown on national TV while my kids are safe with me. “Daddy! Mommy died in the hurricane.” “That’s great dear! Let’s celebrate. Nothing a few therapy sessions won’t solve for you and your brother. As for me? I plan to party.”
I’m monitoring the weather and thinking of asking to get them Friday. Truth be told, I hear it might die down to a category 1 by the time it reaches this far in.
Let the bitch figure her own way out of it. If I were to get them and she did get swept away — do you even understand the positive end of that lottery win?
There is a break going on. School was out from last Wednesday till tomorrow (9/4/17). Naturally, that anxious, restless feeling is very strong and I think I’m disturbing my wife. Back by the fact that Walmart has been giving me alternating days off, I’ve been dying to just ‘go to work’ rather than sitting around.
On the upside, I’ve written some of that short script mentioned the other time, read my Einstein book and mostly played video games. Distractions. Nothing of substance.
I’ve also spent time looking into Bitcoins and started a full node on my computer. Sounds like a ‘huge’ deal, but it isn’t. It’s an 8 year syncing process and my computer is just fast enough to catch up to five years as this reading (started last night at 10pm). I figure it’ll be up to date tonight.
Mining is the next step. I’m not listening to the naysayers that would say my computer is too slow. The less people mining would be better for them, right? I may not get a lot of coins but call it a passive side-gig. I have some bitcoin in another account on ‘Coinbase’, but it’s taking forever to get the system to re-activate my lost password. Sometimes, too many security measures fucks up a process.
I had a rich history of attempts to make films. Each attempt was better than the last but always, ALWAYS a problem with audio. An odd, persistent curse.
I’m proud of both films though, at the time, I cringed daily at the issues. I worked hard with what little I had. And I had less than zero.
So, with me working to have a better education, better life’s position and higher confidence lately, guess who has been feeling that need to create a film?
This time around, I’m doing things well organized. I have an idea for a short film (30 minutes) and would be considered festival quality. NOT YouTube. Even though Facebook is getting into the streaming action, I need to hit the festivals. A long time desire.
Plus, if I do well at the festivals, the other streaming entities will be an easier grasp.
This era of film and content was practically made for me and I haven’t taken advantage of it. Mostly because I was spending the last 10-20 years climbing out of an emotional/financial hole. Still climbing but I see the light.
This idea I have would be a prequel to a story. If it works, it gives me a chance to do the actual script itself.
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