You know, I’m feeling good. Genuinely ‘happy’. To think: If I stayed in school the first time around, and understood what I know now in my 40′s, I could have been happy earlier on.

But that’s the thing with life. Sort of a reversal of traits. Kids back in my school days that were doing great in school; becoming valedictorians and going off to college did not ‘live life’ as I had. Now in their 40′s are asking where life went.

I, however, know where life went — been there done that — and now looking to scoop up where my education went; scoring big A’s thus far in the process. By my early 50′s I’ll be so fucking well-centered it’s crazy. (Smile).

Here’s something I figured out recently.

Coming up through life, I thought my writing would save me. Write a few books, sell scripts, maybe even direct a few films. Done. Life sealed and accomplished. As you know, it didn’t work out that way.

I had to rely on whatever job I worked at to pay bills and latch onto it as some sort of ‘meaning of life’ — my purpose — since the original purpose wasn’t working out. I tended to do well at any job I was at provided I didn’t get depressed about my failed writing career. And I did. I would end up losing the job. On and on.

You see, ‘writing’ is who I am but it wasn’t paying my enormous debt. It’s hard to love your passion with overwhelming responsibilities on your shoulders. So, its back to work all the time. An endless circle.

The problem was: writing, being an author or any artist, especially self-taught, was a talent with no definable, concrete future. The goals were set and wanted, but depended on too many loose variables: money, talent, audience. 

Going to school and getting a degree, backed with financial aid, creates a solid specific goal, timeline, measurable path that is time-tested defined. Even if you have learning disabilities, there’s a class for that. Get your degree/diploma, get into the industry of your choice.

Of course, it’s never that easy. Many other variables to consider BUT, generally speaking, that’s how a person with an engineering degree gets to work for a consulting firm without using an ounce of engineering making 6-figures (true example).

And someone like me without a degree, but a talent for storytelling, makes nothing.

Well, I’m at Walmart now and it came to me that I am successfully portioning out my quality of work this time around. The idea was, since I had no other successful career (i.e., being an author), I use to put all the eggs into the basket of whatever job I’m at. Giving the job my all and feeling hurt when the job didn’t pan out, or depressed that I’m at a job I didn’t want to be at.

Since going back to school, there’s this positive disconnection I’m feeling. Still giving my all, but I know it’s temporary since the true goal is working (i.e., Lawyer). In the past, and a little even now, I would be thinking of ways to make the job better. Be a frequent visitor of the job, even if I was on my day off. A genuine interest in perfecting the job. There’s a guy at my job even as I speak. He was on disability for awhile — hurting himself or something. He would show up to the job every other day just to commune with his friends at the job and talk about the job. Personally, I thought he was in the way.

Down the line, you realize places like Walmart don’t really give a damn how much care you put into it —- then the feeling of having nothing sets in. Like being cheated on in a relationship.

What I’m feeling now is spectacularly easy.

Walmart will never give me the level of money/achievement I want. Mostly because, even in the store I’m in now, the politics and characters working there are backstabbing idiots. 

The longer I work there, the more I realize it’s a game of ‘survivor’. 

I will continue to keep my momentum to get as much money and title as possible. The difference is, I have no depressive feelings about a lost passionate writing career to fall back on when I leave Walmart and WHEN Walmart screws me over. I know I will achieve this Bachelor’s Degree and, at minimum, leave Walmart for a better job based on that alone.

Honestly, ‘Walmart’ isn’t in the business of screwing employees. The inner management and employees themselves are part of that mosh pit. We have a new store manager and co-manager. I’m already feeling the lack of confidence that anything will get successfully accomplished with them nor will anyone achieve advancement. I’m actually considering leaving this store if I plan to be department manager anytime soon. That’s another story.

The point is: I’m at ease giving Walmart 100% while I’m there, and 100% to my educational goals. Walmart provides the paycheck. The education, clearly defined, will provide the future that my writing failed to do — allowing me be happy when I walk through the doors of Walmart when I start my day. I know, this is temporary.