Category: Uncategorized

Logic of White Racists

November 3rd, 2018

Yet another day, yet another white man shooting up the place.

Here’s an undisputed fact: White racists are LUCKY the rest of us don’t start considering all White Men as consistent rapists, opioid overdosing, pedophiles, and mass shooters.

If we used the same logic they used about Blacks and Jews — White men should need to be exterminated and hung from trees right the fucking way.

They are lucky reasonable people look at the problems as individual cases with individual problems that don’t reflect the whole race.

Because, quite frankly, if you really did the numbers and fed into the constant news of active shooters each and every other day, it’s not a good look for the white race at all. Just a bunch of fearful, angry little dick men that need to kill people to make a point.

Update: November 8th …

And another…

https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/11/08/us/thousand-oaks-gunman/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cnn.com%2F

What we know about the gunman in the Thousand Oaks bar shooting

Lately

October 31st 2018

I haven’t written lately. Least of all through my iPhone.

I’m working. $20.00 an hour. Nothing interesting. Just migration of computers. Not complaining. Just a whole lot of downtime.

I’ve been wanting to write. To catch up. As this journal is, now, the single only “thing” I can speak to.

It was the reason I started this journal. To vent. To record my thoughts and measure if things changed or stayed the same.

I’m still in school with a plummeting gpa of 3.57. Because I failed college algebra not once but twice. They keep adding it to my curriculum each session. I keep failing it.

Let me first say I admit I gave up. But, based on how they keep giving me the exact same class with the exact same questions and papers to write, my solution is to just somehow do better each go around.

Still got another two ½ years so why not. I’ll get it right sooner or later. But I shouldn’t give up.

My other classes are doing well. No complaints so why not just do better.

On another note, my living arrangements haven’t improved. My wife’s grandchildren are still living with us and I hate it everyday. They are always just “there”. When I come out of a room. When I’m trying to talk to my wife. When I just want some peace and quiet…. there they are. In the way. Listening to my conversations. Eating my food. Wasting my money.

I was advised to try and embrace this situation but I refused. Why should I? They have their own fucked up mother and father.

I know. That’s why their with us: because their mother and father are not capable. My constant question is “why us?” For the love of god, we’re just as incapable financially.

I guess, in comparison, we’re more capable than most.

I guess.

But I feel we are struggling even more now that we have to constantly consider “fat and brats” fucking needs.

I mean, the bitches don’t even want to be here. The brat of the two is a mouthy fucker I wish was dead. She hates this hates that so I stopped doing things for the bitch including cooking. I cook for my wife and if she wants any I let her grandmother deal with it.

That’s pretty much how I have been dealing with them: let my wife manage them. I don’t want them here. They take up the time I spend with my wife so fuck them.

As a result, I’ve been feeling lonely. Also learned that I’m not someone who like extras in my relationships. Stuff I wish I known before my previous wife. She had a daughter and I thought I would deal well but I didn’t. I hated the attention I wasn’t getting in favor of her daughter (before we had our own).

Now my wife put me in a frame of mind similar. Forced to raise fucking kids not my own. That I don’t want.

How do I survive this without being angry every day?

I don’t. That’s the problem. I have no friends. No side chick. No hobbies. I just lick myself in the only space I have and hope both kids choke and die. Wake up, watch my wife grieve but finally be free. Worth it.

Unfortunately, I wake up and there they are. Can’t kill them like I killed the cats we owned…. another example of envy when attention is not in my direction.

All I can hope for is they’re sister, in New York with cancer finally dies alleviating is so she can take her fucking kids back.

Other than that, all is well. I’m working so life is better

Reset Approaching

October 11th, 2018

I figured some stuff out. I’m resetting almost everything.

It’s a GREAT thing, actually.

Still in school, though failing because of math still. I’m hanging in there as best as I can. I am diverting to my original path, though. Long before all this talk about going back to school and law school — I was a filmmaker. A storyteller. I found, the longer I was away from my hearts desire, the more miserable I’ve become; as reflected in this journal.

I’ll explain more shortly. What I will say is the direction of this journal is resetting and it won’t have anything to do with law school at all.

Ironic Living

September 10th, 2018

I’ve been reading about a lot of people dying lately. Of cancer, murder, suicide … whatever.

But still, I live doing nothing important in this life. Often wanting to die.

Why the fuck must I live when better people than me die? What the fuck is my purpose.

Step-Grandchildren

September 9th, 2018

This is going to sound really evil, but … well, it’s just going to sound evil.

My wife had children young, so naturally, her children have children so she’s a grandmother. Relatively young, but that’s the pattern of fuckery. My children are younger by a few years but it could happen to me any day now. I think my children are a little smarter and less ghetto, though. 

So, since my wife and I been married, almost every year there is some ghetto trash drama with her kids that they need to stay with us for a short amount of time. It’s short because I end up kicking them out because either they end up getting arrested, or we need to bail someone out, or they get some girl pregnant or their in and out of the house running in the streets.

Naturally, I don’t take to that shit and end up kicking them all out in one way or another. So I’m the bad guy of the family because they’re shit from the streets and I’m not. Fuck them if they try to bring hot mess to my home. They can get the fuck out.

Yeah, it puts a strain on my marriage but I’m successful at bringing my wife above the ghetto — if not financial — line. How we live is a stark difference than how she used to live. Not financially better but morally and just common sense better. I don’t surround myself with drama. As you know, I don’t surround myself with people so it balances out.

Anyway, her grandkids are staying with us now. It won’t be for much longer though.

The scenario is like this: 

My wife has a daughter. She has three daughters. Ages range from 7, 10 and 15 or something.

The fifteen-year-old is an evil bitch. I may type a lot of shit in my journal but I can be a way nicer person than that bitch in my sleep. She and her siblings came over in the early part of summer to visit and she was just into everything, acting the ripe bitch she was. Even tried to hack my computer when I locked it. Bitch failed, of course, but at the time, I was happy it was just a visit and they were leaving in a few days.

So, mid-way through summer, come to find out the fifteen-year-old has some sort of cancer. And it’s serious. Literally, they left here from a visit, went to a doctors appointment and they found something on her lungs. Just like that. She seemed fine when she was here. Just a common bitch that I wished would die.

Next thing you know, she’s likely REALLY going to die and, well, I still think she’s an evil bitch. Good fucking riddance.

So, anyway, the mother has to go to the hospital every day to be with her…thus leaving the other two at home with no one watching them. She has no support system to watch the girls. My wife tried to get her second daughter to be proactive but she’s the high-exalted ghetto tramp of the year and couldn’t be trusted to simply pick the girls up from school. So that fell apart.

So, the idea sprung up that the girls stay with us while their mother goes through all the cancer-bitch treatments. From when I last heard, her chemo isn’t working.

The 7 and 10-year-old aren’t half as bad as their dying sister, but they are the symptom of the cancer-bitch’s bullying. The 15-year-old tormented the other two and just said and did bad things….making the other two reactionaries of a bad life.

The ten-year-old is fatter than my wife! 250+ pounds!!!

You read that right. A fat fuck that was given free reign to eat anything she wants because her mother, also fat, just gave up.

Nothing is worse than listening to a fat fuck ten-year-old complain about being hungry. NOTHING. Fat ass shit can’t possibly be hungry when she weighs almost TWO of me! Vile, nasty fat fuck.

The 7-year old gained weight from the time she first visited to now and she’s just mouthy and won’t listen. I spent most of my time threatening to slap the shit out of her than I’m used to speaking to kids her age. With my children, I’ve never had to be this cruel to get them in line.

They’ve been with us for over a month now and, the upside, we’ve gotten the fat one to lose over 7 pounds since she’s started staying here.

The little seven-year-old is a slick, sneaky bitch that can be fixed to get in line, but I’m telling you … I hate all of this.

I told my wife that I hate being this babysitter for kids that aren’t mine, that doesn’t really want to be here and is eating us out of house and home.

Now, I’ve been looking for work STILL….bothers the fuck out of me … so having these kids and my wife the only one working has been hard.

Well, last night, she made the decision that we’re sending the grandkids home.

Part of me is relieved. I do not want them here.

Another part of me is … well, let’s face it: relieved. I do not want them here.

I mean, I got a little weepy the other day that this might be my chance to be a father full time. Something I don’t mind being ……. TO MY OWN KIDS.

But when you have Fat and Stimpy ignoring your instructions, sneaking food in the middle of the night, crying for their mother…

OH! And let me tell you another thing. We’re struggling to get them into school because we don’t have legal guardianship. We tried, but it costs a lot of money and a lot of paperwork and this whole thing became an enormous hassle.

So, my wife said we’re sending them back.

I was FUCKING relieved.

You see, my wife and I fit a comfortable living where no drama, no extra people and, once I’m working, can live quite nicely.

We do NOT have the living or financial space for others. Maybe to visit, like my daughter does on weekends. Maybe a summer, like my other kids do annually. But to live and stay is not happening.

Honestly, even I can’t take my own kids for the length of a summer.

Look, I love my children. I really do. We just haven’t had the pleasure of living together and I designed my life around ‘visits’ not staying. 

Any day now, one of my kids could have an issue like my wife’s children and they might want to stay with me.

Well, for one thing, my children will are just better people and trained better so the circumstances wouldn’t be the same…but space is space and extra people taking it up just doesn’t work. We’d need a bigger place.

I need a satisfying and paying job.

Do I think this experience with my step-grandkids created a rift between my wife and I? Probably. I’m sure she wished I was working so we can afford these kids.

But even if I had an excellent paying job, I don’t see myself as wanting to raise someone else’s children. Her daughter needs to let the fifteen-year-old die and take her fucking brats. She’s taking up vital resources.

How evil is that?

Which reminds me. One of these days, I’ll have to discuss my experience with attempting to use ‘sigil magic’. Yep…where did that come from? It may have relevance here because a few unexplained NEGATIVE things happened since I used it — to my wife specifically. I’m speculating here, but it was a set of uncanny events that forced me to stop using sigil magic that caused things to happen to my wife and I’m thinking it also translated to the fifteen-year-old and her cancer situation.

Look, I’m not saying I totally believe the use of sigil magic, but I am 100% aware of the negativity that happened when I did. Not toward me, either. Once I stopped, the negativity ended. How that explains the fifteen-year-old, I can’t say. Just that she was the only truly offensive one to come into my space since I stopped and she now has cancer while the other two don’t.

May have totally nothing to do with me.

But you don’t know what my wife went through when I was using the stuff.

Makes you wonder what my wife was up to that drew that negativity her way.

I’ll devote a journal entry to it next time. I didn’t say much about the results because nothing really happened FOR me directly.

Strange shit. Next time.

Teamwork DOES Suck: Part 2

September 5th, 2018

I have proof that teamwork is a faux title for an individual process.

And that it sucks!

So, two weeks ago, we had a group project in class and an individual project at the same time. Both powerpoint.

The group powerpoint instructed us to build a rough draft of our eventual final powerpoint. Each unit is seven days and, as a group, we looked stupid because we didn’t know how to proceed. Classes start Wednesday, and it was Sunday when I decided to say “Fuck it, this is what the rough draft is going to look like and I created a ten page slide-document with inserted pictures, and a whole lot of filler that literally said “blah, blah, blah” for areas we had nothing written in yet.

So, I submitted it to the group and my expectations were for everyone to fill in more things to make or fix the draft. I stopped looking at it and was expecting the five others to pass it around and adjust it.

Then I went ahead and did my individual project that same day. Another 8-9 slide powerpoint with audio as instructed.

I got an “A” for the Individual Project.

The Team got an “A” for the uploaded rough draft. That was the last I looked at the draft and we had a week break for Labor Day.

Two days ago, I get a call from a chick in my team (since we passed around phone numbers) and she’s like “I don’t know what we’re doing. What do you need me to do to help the group, etc, etc”. Now, in my head, I’m thinking the team contributed to the rough draft I provided. I told her to be calm. This was just a rough draft. We should start filling in the stuff “everyone else” contributed. Just continue from there.

I thought it was odd that she would call me in the first place, but figured since I was the most vocal about bullshit, it may be made sense. 

I was wrong.

She called me because I’m doing all the fucking work.

Turns out, when I opened the group powerpoint that was submitted for the grade, the entire fucking powerpoint is all me. Nothing was added or changed. Even all the “Blah” filler was left right where it was. Embarrassing! I even put in a self-deprivation joke that made it clear I was the one who did the slides. 

All that was supposed to be replaced or changed by the others.

Nope. As is — submitted and we all got the “A”.

So yeah, guess who they’re looking to get the job done. That’s why I got the phone call.

Most times, I feel I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing in these classes. Yeah, I still get “A” so that last statement doesn’t make sense. I know that. It’s a self-confidence thing that I can’t fix. It’s times when I think I know something, I often fail or get it wrong. 

It’s the craziest thing. The moment I say “I know this! I can do this!”, I fail. The more times I say I’m not sure or I don’t know, it just works out and I pass.

Never fails.

So, I spend more of my time being surprised things work out. 

That Math Algebra class is coming around again.

It’s all about cheating, though. I tried to study the lowest form of pre-algebra I could and it’s impossible. My mind won’t connect with it.

I’m hiring someone off of craigslist to do the weekly assignments and I’m not giving a fuck.

Racism on “Friends”

September 9th, 2018

I was watching an episode of Friends on Netflix when I came across one during Season Seven with Gabrielle Union. A funny conversation gravitated into Joey calling Ross a ‘Monkey Lover’ that wasn’t directed at Ms. Union’s character but just made me stop and think of the timing.

So, I googled Ms. Unions thoughts on her time on the show, and I found this blog (https://teambrownskin.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/racism-in-friends/) which pointed out the coincidental timing of a racial insult in that episode, as well as another.

Now, I love the series and I have been bingeing on it for the past month. I’m on season seven and this is the first time I felt they slighted people of color Aside from the common fact that few people of color lived in Manhattan in their segregated world. Most tv shows do this so it’s just a sad fact. Barely any in the background until later seasons.

Just a side note, I can also say the same about “The Incredibles”. A movie I loved when it first came out. Then by Incredibles 2, they nicely included more character of color in the fore and background — making it glaring obviously the lack of race they had in the first movie. But, whatever, right? We’re moving in the right direction now.

Same for Star Wars. As much as I love this series of movies, it was only until JJ Abrams “Force Awakens” did we see different races in the backgrounds and foregrounds that weren’t just “Lando”.

Anyway, I went to comment my feelings about her blog and the Friends episode but I was unable to post on it. Maybe it’s no longer monitored.

In any case, I’ve got my own blog, so why not just post it here:

(My response to Team Brown Skin’s Racism on Friends)

You know, it’s been years after your article was first posted (2014). I’m watching “Friends” on Netflix and the Gabrielle Union episode just played. The first thing I noticed was the “monkey lover” line and questioned if it was ill-timed or purposeful.

Right after watching, I did a search about her place on the show and your post came up. So I’m not the only one who felt this way.

Now you’re saying a future episode in my binge will also do another subtle insult and, considering they seldom had Black roles in a New York setting, those insults tend to be glaring and worth doubling back to inspect the sporadic episodes someone of color has a speaking role. Not many, but a few. The singing neighbor in the earlier season was cool but shoved in/random like they did most Black characters in the show.

Part of me wants to step back and assess if my calling attention to people of color and monkeys is, in itself, self-perpetuating. We can’t be hair-triggered on every ultra-subtle message some ignorant white person wants to sneak into a show. The fact that I’m talking about at all says they do that sort of thing. It’s sad but look at their history. Fear is what keeps them relevant. Ask about guns, the first thing out of their mouths …“ to protect myself”. Only scared people need that much protection. Being a racist is a backward art that they have to hide. I think of it is as what was once a stereo with a loud volume, pretty much getting closer to mute.

But it is still there.

Someone with money or with some kind of influence to suggest dialogue and camera angles and posters at the right timing did these things purposely so we can see it… but the placement is rare (as in not every episode), enough to be defensible and make us look paranoid and stupid if we call it out individually. After all, we could be mistaken.

This is where the internet has its usefulness. You can catch the racist hidden message and no one can respond or feel the same way for years. You gave a voice to a feeling you weren’t quite sure of. Thank you for that and it was legitimate.

Then someone else, me, catches it — so now we’re two. Two different sides of time (2014 to 2018) and locations and saw/felt the same thing.

Which means there will be others and that confirms a reality giving the next google searcher confirmation that things were driven by racist idiots in the background. Idiots still producing television programs or behind the camera.

But I promise you this: We keep making films. We keep studying television production. We keep filling the spots left empty by their opioid drugged out, backward and rapist lifestyles…. serious flaws in their community… we’ll be in the room more often to catch these subtle insults before they go live.

Understand that was, and in some cases still is, the reasons they don’t want us there in the first place. People of color add just that: color. They want to paint with a palette of one color, afraid to utilize other colors and insult others on the outside. I know this much: the best art have a multitude of color.

I also know I used to throw out the white crayon in the Crayola box. It was boring and useless. Oddly enough, only came in handy when the picture was Black first.

Stuff That Gets Made

August 28, 2018

I’m surprised by the work that gets optioned by Hollywood these days more and more. I’m also surprised at the choices book publishers accept. Get this …

I recently read an article that the Russo Brothers, directors of the Infinity War, Captain America and a bunch of TV shows, were part of a bidding war for a novel called “Cherry” by a first-time novelist.

Here’s the article:

https://movieweb.com/cherry-movie-directors-joe-anthony-russo/

And here’s the summary of that book:

It’s 2003, and as a college freshman in Cleveland, our narrator is adrift until he meets Emily. The two of them experience an instant, life-changing connection. But when he almost loses her, he chooses to make an indelible statement: he joins the Army. The outcome will not be good for either of them. As a medic in Iraq, he is unprepared for the realities that await him. He and his fellow soldiers huff computer duster, abuse painkillers, and watch porn. Many of them die. When he comes home, his PTSD is profound. As the opioid crisis sweeps through the Midwest, it drags both him and Emily along with it. As their addictions worsen, and with their money drying up, he stumbles onto what seems like the only possible solution, robbing banks.

—-

First of all, are you kidding me with that storyline?

Second of all, who the FUCK is fighting over that bullshit story to get it made into a film?

Ladies and gentlemen, there is no bidding war and I’m doubting this person Nico Walker even exists. Even if they do put a face to a name, the more I think of it, the more I’m being suckered into the full grasp of the Hollywood spin machine. Even if the man did write this basic, simplistic bonnie and clyde story on a white man’s only problem with opioids, who the fuck cares? No really. Whats the hook in that story that should make me care and I had military experience.

In fact, I think that article is actually a press release.

I have been writing for a very, very long time and I think I’ve come across every plot line and story concept known to man. Nothing is 100% original anymore, but I promise you, Cherry — as written in the synopsis — is nothing anyone would trip over themselves to buy unless Hollywood told them too. So, what happens? With news spreading that it’s a first-time author, people rush to buy the book to see what makes it a big deal. 

Reviews on Amazon are scathing when you look at the one-star reviews.

So what does this all have to do with me?

I write better. Much more original stories and I’m getting mad at the game Hollywood plays. 

So on the side, I’ve re-started writing query letters and such to get a literary agent. To be honest, I don’t think that’s the way to go. Something is bothering me that says nothing is traditional in getting a book published except who you know and I know no one.