August 27th, 2018
The class assignment where we work in a group has either fallen apart because I let it be known I hate teamwork, or it fell apart because that’s what happens when you work in teams.
It should be known I attempted to do my part but … I hate working with people.
I’m going to get a low grade in this class. I know it.
What has going back to school taught me?
I suck.
August 24th, 2018
It’s here again.
That feeling of absolute dread. I can’t concentrate on my work. A feeling of all is lost and misery. That nothing I do matters.
But I’m on it this time. I recognize it and I’m doing something different.
I’m pushing through.
I’m going to do everything differently. Regardless of what my mind is telling me, I am going to do everything directly opposite. I’m sick of being a slave to this monthly suicidal inclination.
August 14th, 2018
I started new classes. With College Algebra behind me with a resounding “F”, I’m happy to report I got my first “A” in the current computer class for a paper I submitted. My work is going in on time, I feel good and life is back to normal.
That doesn’t mean I’m entirely safe. I was told the Algebra class would be coming back around soon so I have some choices: hire someone to do my work or actually “do” the math. At this time, there will be no way I can do it, but … but ….I am willing to start from scratch and learn Algebra while I have the time. Like from ground zero. Khan Academy has free lessons and I started with basic algebra. I think the class will come back around in September so I have a month to get my shit together.
I don’t want to cheat and hire anyone. Aside from the fact that I can’t afford it, I want to be successful by my own hand. Honestly.
So, I’m scheduling my life to make sure I’m doing more studying in that area.
Still haven’t found work yet, but truth be told, I feel like I’ve been through a raging storm lately mentally and it’s finally clearing up. I cut off watching the news again, so that’s been helpful. I’m telling you: there’s something going on and it wasn’t just affecting me. When last checked the news, it’s not just me. People are doing some crazy shit out there and I refused to either be part of it, kill myself or others. Considering I have been a suicidal mess, and I had every opportunity to end my own life, I made the decision not to and still feel good about it.
Which brings me to those Nootropic meds.
What I haven’t mentioned is I stopped taking them for a few days. About the only ones I’ve taken was the L-Theanine to help me sleep.
Why?
Because after the first doses — maybe after the third day of taking them — not only did they stop being effective, but I was focusing improperly on the wrong things. Evil thoughts that returned to the prospect of my dying and or killing others. It was a dark mood. Now, it was the end of the month so, like I observed, that ‘cycle’ was right on time and the pills did nothing but ENHANCE that darkness.
Not good.
So, I’ve been a few days (actually a week now) and the air has been clear.
But this is the beginning/mid month. Check back how I feel toward the end of the month.
I’m looking into the reality that it’s about the foods I do or don’t eat. A side note to that is I’ve decided to stop eating any and all McDonalds foods. By the end of August, it will be the first month I have not eaten any measure of the stuff because I usually get a quick meal at least once or twice a month at some point.
I can’t say for sure, but I suspect that my mood warps usually right after I eat from there and my body cycles out the material that creates those dark patches I usually get. Not a scientific result, but did a mental check last month between the last time I ate from there, when my mood went dark and how long since I stopped eating it till now. It doesn’t look good for McDonalds at all if I’m right.
Also highlights that I eat from there too much.
Here’s an article that reflects a little bit about what I’m saying:
August 8th, 2018
There is a tone happening. Something is vibrating through society that is a notch uglier than he year before. It could be the whole ‘Trump in office’ thing — causing idiots to feel they can say and do things that will get them killed (as they should be).
But I think that’s just a part of the problem. A result of the angry tone that’s kind of worldwide. I used to say, the world was already hateful and murderous — it’s just that we are hearing about it in the news much clearer and available since the internet and camera phones.
Even with that, the world is burning right now. Almost like something is writing a narrative that wants this to happen.
Scientifically, I could point to global warming. When things and people get hot, tempers flare and anger persists. Wrong judgement prevails. Common sense fails.
For a stretch of time I have stopped reading the news, shut off social media and tried to sooth my mind. It worked for a few months until I started reading the news again. From all perspectives, the narrative given is a tug of war to your senses. I’ll have to shut off the news again just to get peace of mind.
At the same time it ignores whats going on. I can’t do anything about it so why should I witness mankind’s self-destruction idiots int he White House and the brainless scum that follow him. People getting pulled over by police with bodies in the trunk. Human Trafficking, hate, mass murder, fish dying in the oceans by the millions … it’s pretty bad and getting worse.
So what to do?
I don’t know. I would say I have my own problems but I have a feeling that global calamity is my problem since I am part of the global society.
August 3rd, 2018
I finally found a combination that works. A set of pills that handles energy, clarity and mood – with the right dosage for a full day, also.
It begins with Adrafinil. I established that it works.
A few months back, I documented my use of Alpha-GPC and Coluracetam. I called Coluracetam a ‘mood lightener’ that worked for a few hours and Alpha-GPC didn’t do shit. It honestly had no affect on me.
That is UNTIL it combined with Adrafinil.
Adrafnil by itself was okay, last four hours, but clarity/energy was not 100%.
Two days ago, I took all three and I was in motion. The first day, there was some sinus and headache issues but by the second day it was perfect. I guess my mind getting use to the change.
Clear headed, energy and desire to ‘do’ things when I thought about them and with a good attitude. Got a lot of chores and projects done. Wonderful stuff. I mean, on the first day of taking all three, I was stumbling over myself because my mind was racing. I was OVER thinking and doing. By day two of all three, I got better control of it and can focus on what I chose to focus on.
One of the key problems with adult ADD, depression, etc is the inability to focus on task and, often, not having the desire to do anything — then things get backed up, you feel messed up that you’re not doing anything and then the depression kicks in. But you still don’t feel like doing anything because of the cloudiness and so everything cancels out.
This mixture is killer: I feel like doing and, most importantly, accomplishing everything.
I’m getting a lot done — and it’s NOT adderall.
I’m no chemist or physicist, but I know when something is working in my body. Alpha-GPC actually works in combination with the Adrafinil. So much so, that when the combination of all three starts to fade off in four-five hours, I popped one more Alpha-GPC and that activated me for the rest of the day; as if I took all three again.
The timing is like this:
6:30 am – Take all three pills.
11-12pm – Effects start to wane. Take one (1) Alpha-GPC
8pm – effects start to wane again.
Which is fine because it’s nearing time I go to bed. Here’s something that helped me the rest of the night: L-Theanine. People take that in combo to remove an edge to the jittery effects, but I don’t recommend taking it WITH your other pills because its just going to counter-act the purpose of having energy.
So, I take it to wind down from the day of using the other pills and I slept through the night. I tried it for the first time last night and finally stopped waking up at 3am. Yeah, I have been waking up at 3am for the past few days but that’s not because of the pills I’ve been taking. It was happening before the pills.
The L-Theanine is designed to promote relaxation and it did it’s job.
I’m happy with the results over the first two days. Today is the third and I’ll journal any downsides/effects moving forward. If you are interested in trying the exact set I’m on and where I bought it, here it is:
Adrafinil 300mg – Double Wood Supplements
Alpha GPC 300mg – Amazon
Coluracetam 20mg – Health by Naturals
L-Theanine 200mg – Amazon
July 31st, 2018
It’s been a good couple of weeks. My mother was nice to send a care-package of a good deal of money and I was able to to take care of a lot of pressing things. Cash is almost gone but I believe I did what was right. Saving is almost impossible.
So I bought some Adrafinil. A nootropic medicine that helps with focus, alertness and possibly depression. It’s the stuff I wanted to buy after the last selection seemed to bottom out. Technically, now that U have Adrafinil, I should try it with the Coluracetam and Alpha-GPC and check the results.
As directed, I took it this morning on an empty stomach around 6:30am. By 8am, I think I started feeling the effects. Those effects wore off by around 11am-12pm, but continued to show it’s usefulness later in the day and even now (it’s 5:50pm).
What are those effects?
Well, you know it’s always the goal to find an over-the-counter Adderall. Still, it’s not Adderall, but it’s better than not having it.
Basically, my issue is this clouded mind; unable to think straight. Focus seems to shift from one direction to another. Then of course there’s the depression. The inability to focus and think straight leads to depression when you turn around and find you can’t do shit. It would make anyone depressed.
Adderall took that cloud in my brain and washed it away; clearing that thick-clouded feeling away for pure absolute thought on any one thing I want to think about. It was great.
This stuff, Adrafinil … well, it comes close. Not a total clearing of the cloud, but I was extremely alert and allowed me to do work that I would have otherwise procrastinated about. It was like, “I need to go tot he store” so, without feeling that tired, don’t want to be bothered’ emotion, I was able to go and get the shopping done without feeling any kind of way about it. Sounds corny, I know. It’s the best way I can explain it. It’s not speed. It didn’t get me high.
But I was ‘active’. Things I wanted to get done, I did. Things I needed to say to people, I did.
Whereas the Coluracetam was a mood lightener — Adrafinil was a “stop being a lazy bastard” motivator with an ounce of clarity. But it was a strange clarity. That’s why I always compare things to Adderall. With Adderall, I saw EVERYTHING and soaked it in.
With Adrafinil, I still felt a bit clouded but the best way to picture it is: you have a clouded mind, right? Then only a portion of it is clear depending on where you are focusing. Not 100% but just enough for whatever you’re doing. Backed with a sense of energy.
But when it wore off, I knew it. I was yawning. I was getting annoyed with everyone around me whereas I was extremely tolerant for the four-five hours prior.
No headaches. No issues. At least not for me. My wife took it and it wore off about the same time, but she claimed not to have any further clarity at all.
Since I’m the trouble case, my eval is of more priority than her’s.
I still want my hands on Adderall, but I think I’m finding my right Nootropic setup.
Tomorrow, I’ll try the collection:
One (1) Adrafinil
One (1) Coluracetam
One (1) Alpha-GPC
I’ll report how the day went. I still have the L-Theanine, but I think that’s more of a counter-active med to prevent any jitters.
July 20, 2018
Rough week, but in two more weeks, this math class will be over. As it stands now, I am going to get an “F” in this class and I’ve been taking the past few weeks learning how to swallow that fact. No matter what I do, It’s not working. So, I expect the GPA to plummet.
In other news, I have been exercising each day, ramping up with incremental reps and sets of simple things: push-ups, morning runs, crunches, situps. The idea here is to break a bad habit of NOT exercising.
This is all about not letting things define who I am — nor letting things eat at me. I have been killing myself — hating myself — over the failure of getting this math that I’ve overlooked one simple fact: you can’t accomplish all things and define yourself poorly over one or two things.
For instance, I applied for a job recently that required I should not have a lot of debt, nothing bad on my credit report, etc, etc, etc. Some sort of ATM maintenance position.
I certainly didn’t qualify for this job; which used credit and debt as a gauge if I would be the kind to steal from them. They asked me some questions over the phone. At first, I lied about my debt and credit history. Then it started bothering me that they wanted to judge me on my credit to decide if I was going to be a thief.
I have NOT stolen from any company I ever worked at no matter how much debt I’ve been in. But, this company tried to define me by my debt and thinks I would steal. Meanwhile, people who seem not to be in debt, are stealing, and will likely get the job and steal from them. Suddenly, surprise, surprise. So-n-so is caught stealing and they went through all this judgment process to swear they wouldn’t be the type to steal.
I won’t be defined by what they think a thief is. I declined the position before it even got too far into it.
I’m getting an “F” in this math class. Does that make me stupid? Does that make me less smart? Bigger picture question: if I was to never get this degree, does that make me less smart?
No, of course not. At least to me. The rest of the world needs ‘things’ to define what a person is. A degree makes me smart, even though I have seen degree-holding idiots. Regardless, have the degree, get the job.
I’m done beating myself up over it and just pushing through. I can do exceptional in other classes coming up.
I’m still going to get the job done.
Donald Trump is a traitor.
You voted for him? Fuck you and I hope you get a Russian missile up your ass.
July 14th, 2018
Here I am: another weekend cooped up in front of this computer trying to learn Algebra from the ground up. I’m using the Khan Academy website for a lot of help. Regardless, I can’t stand being around math for longer than a few minutes.
Every video I listen to and quiz I take feels like rubbing stroking a cat’s fur backward; against the grain, sort of speak. My flesh is crawling. My head hurts from the attempt to soak in ridiculous equations that I don’t care to retain — or has anything to do with me. I don’t HAVE to know it. I don’t WANT to know about it. It’s not a matter of ‘fear’, but the adaptation of associating with higher math is against everything that is within me. All I hear, as hard as I try, is a jumble of numbers that will never connect with me. in comparison to things that DO connect easily with me — words, sentences, and paragraphs — math is the polar opposite.
With those feelings exposed, as I do, I looked at how those feelings relate to others. That above paragraph likely, without a doubt, details what someone who is deemed a ‘racist’ feels about other races. We like to throw it around that fear and anger is what breeds that kind of person, but consider the possibility of genuinely born having opposing rejection.
It’s not too hard of a stretch to imagine. As humans, we master our DNA for generations passing down traits, physical and mental so why not a molded preference to auto-hate something. Why are a lot of creative people born into one family with the occasional one born without a creative bone in their body? Why can one person swim in an ocean of math like a fish and the same person crash and burn in other subjects? I wrote about the roles life dishes out to us. This is just one consideration and, considering how many people out there ‘hate’ based on color, it kind of reasons with the numbers.
We can take a full family of generational racists and think their next child will come out one to because of the way the family teaches him or her. Come to find out, no matter how much they are exposed to it, they still reject it. It happens but that story is seldom told. No matter how long and hard I reject math, my daughters are good with it. My son isn’t. So on and so forth.
Hammering into it every day and it’s just. not. sticking. It repulses me.
I reject it like racists reject others.
Both of us are losing out in growth.
July 11th, 2018
I’ve been struggling with wondering what “this is all about”. This being my life. I’m struggling with this College Algebra class. I’m going to fail it and it’s going to bring my GPA down. I’ve tried everything but beg online for help. No one I knows even uses this stuff.
So, if I am going to fail in this, and I have no idea what happens to my grades and momentum moving forward, and I can’t find a job that pays well that I can stay at — destined to keep moving from job to job as I have — not liking what I do. Not successful in my writing as I would like. Getting older. Weaker.
What was all this about? What was my life for if people who are doing bad things and say bad things can still succeed and be president — and self-righteous white supremacy fucks can say and do what they want and still claim a sense of being — or any dreg from any race on the low end of the mental equation —- why can’t I? It’s like I’m struggling to just ‘be’ and find a place in this ugly world.
Then, the other day, my daughter asked me a question about inventing things — and she listened.
No, I mean, really listened. Like I was telling her absolute truth.
It took a day to realize I’ve been so selfish.
There was a time, long ago when I was her age, that I believed strongly I could help the world with new ideas, stories and fall in love with one woman and help people.
My mother was bitter and angry and would tell me it’s a fantasy.
No, I don’t do that to my children. There has been a place still untampered in my heart to still tell my children life is great, make a lot of friends of all races; no matter the person, help everyone and anyone.
It’s a small place but it’s reserved for them. Because I don’t want to give them what my mother gave me: no support for my ideas.
I didn’t know my father.
My children know me.
So my ‘purpose’ theory is really simple: Don’t be the dick your parents were.
I know it’s all relative and everyone has their own parenting styles. But I feel the universe tries to teach us to be better along the way. Like granting me the heart and mind to go back to school. There is a common way everyone can be as one, love each other and make the world better. I believe it. It’s just humans don’t want it.
As you know, I can look inward and report when I’ve been wrong. As I said, I have been selfish. On low days, feeling I’ve done nothing successful when, in fact, I’m contributing to a better world every day I teach my daughter the beauty in it. I’ve been so concerned about what I was leaving the world when I die, that I I didn’t realize I was leaving children like my daughter who still have a pure heart to want to build, invent and tell greater stories than me.
I’m not working, but I have a job.
myJournal 