Neighbor

July 9th, 2018

I have this neighbor. She’s fat as fuck. One of those obese women. She drives a huge SUV which makes sense for her size.

Anyway, she can’t walk past my place without always being on the phone. You always know when she’s coming because she’s of that type constantly talking on a speakerphone, earpiece, etc … loud and I know more about her shit than I know about my own.

The thing is: she’s doing far better than I am.

At the very least, she has people to talk to. Always seems to be going somewhere since I’m in the house more than she seems to be.

Hell, she even has a nice truck.

I’m not doing well.

Not at all.

Algebra Again.

July 8th, 2018

My instructor is a prick. He’s someone who knows and loves this stuff … and has an air about him that suggests “fuck you if you don’t know what I know.” If you saw his pictures, he looks like that social outcast that mastered his ‘thing’ and suffers no one because no one suffered him.

If I get a C out of this class, I’ll be happy. Shooting for an “A”, but the trouble is like all trouble I have with instructors: they prefer to cast an opinion rather than a rubric-based grade.

I’m going to try not to complain much more about algebra. It takes away from my actual study of this crap. Thus far, I passed along my homework to a few people who ‘should’ have known this stuff and they all haven’t a clue and admit they haven’t used algebra since high school.

So it’s confirmed: Algebra is like breathing. We do it every day— but should we have to remember to actually think about breathing, we wouldn’t like it. It’s not natural and we will end up being uncomfortable. Algebra is best kept a hidden language that no one thinks to use unless he is in NASA. All other jobs and places, it’s worthlessly thought about.

Which makes people like this dweeb instructor so happy. We’re forced to take his class. For the next five weeks, he’s the master.

I’m still cheating. Fuck him. The MOST I’m learning from Algebra is the proper method to stick into a calculator and provide the answer needed. Anything else is bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Aggression

July 7th, 2018

Odd. Unless you’re willing to take what you want, you’ll never get anything. Either you are a broke gentle Christian or a rich competitive asshole. There is no in-between. Stuff we already know. Nothing changes.

Human society. It would be a pleasure to see it get wiped out and start over.

Algebra Sucks

July 4th, 2018

I’m in this really advanced Algebra class that doesn’t start off with any remedial basics; just throws us into fucking equations that are just CRAZY. Way beyond anything I ever needed before, and will never use in the future.

I’ve stripped the internet of every ounce of algebra assistance and calculators I can get my hands on and it’s like my mind just can’t process this shit. Mostly because I’m feeling it’s shit I will never use. The fuck am I going to need to find the fucking slope intercept for? They argue that we use algebra every day, but I guaran-fucking-tee to you that we don’t break down what we do into fucking algebra expressions for shit.

So, I have a talent for writing, I have original storytelling abilities, and I can’t make a living writing but I have to force feed this math shit I will never use in order to be accepted into society with passing grades?

I’m going to finish this course and never need to use this shit again. For Christ’s sake, I never had to use it since fucking high school.

So, I’m cheating. Calculators, anyone who knows this shit, I don’t care. I’m getting an A out of this class one way or another.

Discovered: Depressive Pattern

July 1st, 2018

Happy Anniversary. This journal started exactly one year ago in July. Still in school. Still on track to graduate. Law school? It’s on the possible horizon and it’s something I still want. Getting there has been a lesson on early strategy. Like, I need to follow another path JUST to afford to follow another path.

What this journal also does for me is chart a pattern that I always kinda knew was there. I needed to understand when and why moments of depression happen and, through this journal, after looking back at each entry that I posted with a tag of #depressed purposely, it’s clear once a month, every month, there are a few days (average of 3-4) that the feeling of depression cycles through.

A feeling of lifelessness, drained, zero-desire to do anything (including live), emptiness of value. A moment where I feel nothing is going right, will ever go right, and I need to end it.

Then, almost miraculously, that feeling goes away. Like a cloud lifted. New ideas. New desires. I feel confident to accomplish something. I desire to do things. Even meet people.

Once a month.

A fucking cycle.

Christ —- I got a fucking period. A male menstrual cycle.

I got to fix this. But how? Chemically uncontrollable. Based on my record from this journal, it happens around the middle and end of the month. Depends on what I am doing kind of holds it off into the later part of the month.

Like now. I was feeling VERY depressed yesterday and into today. So call it the end of June, into July. But I am not working at the moment. When I was working last month, it came around, but I was too distracted by work and school work to really let it swallow me. I’m home at the moment, so it’s having its way with me.

Work, satisfying or not, seems to be enough to subdue its effects—but don’t get it twisted. It does come regardless.

Knowing its cycle helps in knowing how to balance life moving forward.

Do I think other people have the same issue? Of course. Without a doubt. Most people deny their issues. Do nothing about it and end up shooting up schools or businesses.

My growth toward better education wasn’t going to be linear. I’m learning about myself along the way. Who can say the same?

Anxiety

June 30th, 2018

Supposed to be studying for this A+ Certification. Taking practice quizzes and I’m not recalling anything. I don’t have the energy to want to complete anything. Feeling anxiety. Why? I have no fucking clue. Feeling of failure washing over me.

I’m home. Not even outside or taking the actual test and I’m a fucking mess. So, I’m going to take a Zoloft and start again when it kicks in.

I’m a fucking mess and I hate it. What am I going to do when it’s time to take the actual tests?

Social Addiction

June 30th, 2018

I think there are people out there that are terribly addicted to being online in social sites (Twitter, Facebook, etc).

I’m going on … what? … two months? Three months completely offline except for this journal. I deactivated Instagram, facebook, and twitter. I rarely watch the news but I do put on NPR to hear what’s happening in the world from time to time.

The thing is: when I told my sister I was detoxing from being on these social sites, she had no response.

When I told a friend that emailed me after noticing I wasn’t on any of the sites anymore — odd that he would see that all the social sites were deactivated; as if he was looking for me. I told him that was nice — he had no further response and that was a month ago.

It’s almost as if, when you tell someone who is always online that you are leaving that addictive setup, they can’t comprehend and leave you alone.

I’m still reachable by phone. Hell, I even sent my sister a text that she never responded to. That’s a few weeks ago.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Pariah online and pariah offline. It doesn’t matter. Who will I share the success of my graduation with? Probably just the one or two available children I have, my wife and this journal. We shall see. Tune in one year and 8 months from now.

On another note, I hate to say it, but I feel like writing. Like, another book.

I’ll ignore that feeling. Very sad about that.

Fall and Rise

June 28th 2018

I was offered a job. In IT. $19/hr 28/hr overtime. By my current status, it’s considered a jackpot. It’s with a temp agency that I worked with years back. They changed the name but name dropping old supervisors got my foot in. From there, I was on boarded.

So what’s wrong? Well, though I will be called for jobs that I am qualified for, the first assignment out the gate I am NOT qualified for. Server network admin. I just don’t have enough background in that work for a big business.

Part of me felt like I should’ve lied. Said I could handle it and do as much research as possible. I know I said that I would “create“ a better resume so I can get the work I’m looking for, but I do usually stay within the framework of things I do know so I wouldn’t have to lie when I get there.

I feel, because I didn’t lie, that I was not aggressive enough.

On the other side, if I did lie and I got caught in a lie I probably would lose the job and everything.

So, taking it from that perspective, I don’t feel so bad. I’m in a holding pattern waiting for the next job but I did sign off at $19 an hour. Armed with that knowledge, I now know how much I’m worth. I’ll still look for other tech work with the same resume I gave them knowing I’m asked by for 19.00.

This experience taught me the importance of really knuckling down to get these certifications. Not just A+ either. Network +, Security +, etc.

Im being brief because I’m entering this entry from my phone from sketchy internet service. Just know I realized recently that I am not the same man I used to be anymore, and how easily I can fall back into that man when I feel defeated or depressed.

As of this day, with all I am actively doing, I am a better man and its important I drop people and things from a dead past. Any attempt to connect with even people from a self destructive past —— even if not so destructive but associative from who I was —— isn’t very healthy and forward in motion.

I sometimes seek old friends and old habits when I feel down.

Instead, I will play my guitar. Eventually get back to animation.

Practice is going okay. I’m learning to fit in finger drills at all free moments. Which means the guitar travels with me when possible.

Got all “A’s” in last units assignments.

Once I’m working officially, I’m looking into a new wardrobe also. Throwing all the old crap away.

I want everything in my life a fresh start.

Straight A’s

June 26th, 2018

This is just from the one class I am in. I have two classes this month and the grades look the same. This is the stuff I am proud of these days. I remember a few years back I felt and considered myself stupid with my lack of success in the things I’ve attempted. Mostly art pursuits like writing.

An interesting thing about academia. I’ve said it before in the journal. The identification of intelligence is often appreciated when certified by an authority or a school. Until you have logged, charted and written ‘approval’ of your intelligence from a school— or certified by a greater number of people — people usually don’t think much of you. When you are in a field that requires people to acknowledge your art, it’s hard when no one sees you. Then you start turning in on yourself — feeling worthless. No matter what people say, if you are an artist, the need for an audience is the only love you do it for. The heart searches for SOMEONE to love what you do.

If not, try doing some art and NEVER asking anyone to see it. See how long that lasts.

Sure, my grades show I am intelligent, but wasn’t I intelligent when I was looking for a good paying job? Or when I wrote my novel(s)?

Granted, big differences between book smart and artistic — but I’ve proven equally solid artistic skills but still ignored. No bad, good or indifferent reviews. Just invisible.

That blends into the “who you know” and marketing oneself discussion and I don’t know anyone — and I don’t know how to sell myself.

So, grades will hopefully do the speaking for me.

Guitars, Notes and Life

June 25th, 2018

You know, I have been practicing the guitar faithfully ever since I got it. I’m learning basics and mostly learning how to keep my fingers where they need to be. One thing I noticed is, without a doubt, unless I am paying absolute attention to how my fingers hold down the string on the fret, the note I play will either sound right or bloody awful.

Sounds obvious to those out there who play the guitar, but I’m just starting out and I noticed it takes conscious effort to see where I want to place my finger and hold that finger down to get the right sound. Otherwise, it’s offkey. It’s like I need to know what I want, attack that key, hit the string and make the sound. No distractions or daydreaming. I usually daydream about a lot of things, including school, but still get what I need to be done right.

Not with the Guitar.

Sounds like what makes or breaks us in life also, if you think about it.

I wanted to go back to school. I want that degree. I want to go to law school. I’m conscious of what I want, hitting the right notes to get there and expect the right sound.

Now, alternatively, I can say I did what was right to be an author. Why didn’t my song play then?

I wonder if I did do what was right.

Then again, academia is linear. Stay on a tried and true path and you can’t lose. Being an author … well, that relies on factors not tried and true. Whatever those factors were, I just didn’t have it.

But school … like the guitar … I think …no … I’m definitely getting.