February 11th, 2018

I’ve been writing again. I’ve even gone as far as planned out a short animation project I shouldn’t be working on.

Why not?

Remember, this whole academic experiment started on the premise “If the stuff I love isn’t working, the stuff I don’t care about should make me a golden boy.”

Eight months in, I’ve proved my theory correct and the grades show it. You have to be looking at it from a conservative, conformist view to think that I must ‘love’ going to school. I do not love this. I’m going through the motions because I have to and it’s working out. I do not have a passion for this.

The things that I have a passion for failed. Failure after failure. The stuff I put my whole heart into. The stuff I cared about. Still kind of triggers me with unknown answers as to why.

So, with my eyes semi-closed, this ‘going for a bachelor’s degree’ is working out and that’s why I feel like a fraud. It’s not in my heart at all. Given the same amount of time and energy I’m putting into school, I would do the same for my animation or writing a book and would rather have the success of those things over a bachelors degree any day.

Now, thinking this through logically, what am I doing right in school work that I wasn’t in my creative pursuits?

Never mind, I already realized that the path to academic success is objectively graded while the creative work is not graded but reviewed subjectively. I can get an “A” in biology by just answering questions right and doing the assignments as I am supposed to do. No big deal. I find the only problem I would have in this linear path is if I choose not to do it. Or get lazy.

But in creative pursuits, I am at the whim of others who view my work. 

I can say this: the harshest reviewer of my own work has been me. I know I stopped projects before they gotten anywhere because I hated the quality. But what of the work I did finish and put out there? 

I have been the victim of just not enough money to market anything. Even the stuff with rave reviews will only get so far unless people know it’s out there.

I don’t keep anything on long enough to gather a fan base.

I don’t socialize enough to gather boundless ‘likes’.

Creative works and academic paths are two different animals and I see the whole school thing is just ‘easy’ provided you stay on it. 

Not easy to do in an actual school environment with all sorts of distractions. I probably wouldn’t have been doing as well as I am if I had to do this in a physical location. Looking at too much pussy guaranteed.

So how do I handle moving forward with my passions lying dormant?

I know, if I do anything, it can’t interfere with the existing path of the bachelors degree. Period. End of story.

Call what I’m about to do — a stress-free hobby.