Tag: acoustic guitar

Child Support

June 20th, 2018

I was married before. We have two children that are now well into their teens. I love my children; that I can’t and will never deny. They were the only best part of that relationship.

What do I remember of my marriage with that woman? Her parting words that I can’t ever forget and they keep constantly ringing through my subconscious, making me cringe with anger and hate: “I’m going to take you for child support and they’re going to take all of your money.”

Quote — end quote.

Add to her annoying high-pitch voice and you get the picture.

At the time the child support started, I was making more money. I have, of course, since lost that job and they have been adding arrears into the thousands. Honestly, I have never owed so much to one source in all my life. I have tried to reduce it when I had a lesser job. The judge flat out said: ‘No.’

Really. I couldn’t afford the payments and it was ramping up astronomically back then and he said, without reason, just No.

To this day, I think that is where I started hating people.

I have made attempts to reduce it or change things but the system is thick with red tape. I would have to go back to NY and it’s a complicated mess on purpose. The quest to be a lawyer also includes rectifying alot of this bullshit, by the way.

So what has happened ever since:

I lost my drivers license.

I can’t get a passport.

I have ‘dead-beat’ status arrears that are heavy and impossible to pay off at $12.00/hr.

A long time ago, I asked the ex to help me reduce or remove this child support order. She said no.

I think back then I was near going to kill her. Why? Because I am constantly in my children’s life REGARDLESS. I give them money directly. I even gave them debit cards that allow me to give them money they can use.

Why don’t I pay the child support directly?

Well, let’s go back about eight years ago. I had a good job that paid about $16.00 an hour. Child support started taking their payments and one day my children stayed with me as they usually did in the summer or holidays. They didn’t have appropriate coats for the weather or even decent clothing. 

So I asked, “what is your mother doing with the money she’s getting?” I shouldn’t have involved them in my struggles with that bitch but I was fed up. She talks bad about me to them and I usually don’t reciprocate by calling her a bitch to them. But this time, I let my son see what got taken from my checks for child support and opened his eyes to the mother he has. Based on what he said and the lack of stuff I see them have, the money I sent wasn’t being used for them.

Then he confirmed stories I already knew about her: spending money on other people and parties to make herself look like an important person. 

She has a job, but when all this started, you got to understand, she ‘took’ my children from New York (where we used to live) and moved to Albany, GA. For about two months, she tried to live off my child support payments, without telling me where she went. If I kept a journal of those events, you would have witnessed me very destroyed at the time. Basically, we divorced, she hit me with child support, when I came to pick up the kids on the weekends like I always did, she was gone. Moved. Left without telling me.

That was when I used some of my inherent missing person’s skills. I found them through a logical set of questions/asking people who didn’t want to tell me. Got a lawyer and forced her back to answer for taking my kids across state lines. The most that happened was I stopped her from moving any further without my permission. She kidnapped my children and got away with it and I’m still paying.

So, flash forward to now and I don’t want her dead as much as I used to but child support still hangs over my head. I don’t ‘willingly’ report it to the services because they often take more than I can afford to live on plus I give my money to the kids directly for the things they need and it’s never as much as they need to take.

I don’t know if that amount will ever get paid, so I don’t even bother.

Meanwhile, there are times, like now, where it catches up to me. They started taking money from this little job I have, cutting my income down to more than half. If the job wasn’t worth going to with what I got, it sure isn’t worth going for less than half.

But this is the constant rotation of it all: Find a job, child support starts in, quit the job because I can’t afford to go to the job or live off of it, find another job, repeat.

I can’t answer for other fathers not doing for their children, but I do. My kids know it and I’m deadlocked into a system that won’t reduce the arrears, release my driver’s license to get to a job if I needed it and it keeps rising. Add a bitch ex-wife that just wants “all my money” and you can see why many ex-wives end up dead. 

I have no sympathy when I hear of an ex-wife murdered by her ex. You don’t know the buttons that bitch probably pushed. If you knew the buttons my ex pushed, you’d want her to die, too.

So I’m in a position where if my kids need money, I have to direct them to their mother that received a payment. How can I give them any more directly if she’s getting it?

This sends me in a frantic need to get/find a better job. But, because of my lack of a degree, I couldn’t get a better job — and this brings us to where we are today: me striving for a better life with a degree, thus a potentially better job.

Let’s be clear: if I was getting paid at a job that allowed me to have a life and pay this child support bill, I would be fine with it. I don’t WANT to pay child support to this particular whore, but I am WILLING to pay it if I can make sure I can survive too. What’s the point of paying child support if I can’t survive to go to work to earn the money? Which I will never understand why they suspend driver’s licenses. How do you get to a job without a license? Reasonably. Don’t say mass transit because fuck mass transit if you have a car.

I’m venting. I have a lot more to say on this ex-wife bitch thing but I’m trying to stay centered. The plan has not changed. In fact, I’m really just writing this as documentation to showcase the overall pressure I’m going through. To underscore exactly WHY I am pushing for this degree.

But the degree isn’t coming tomorrow. Or the next week. I have another year and ½ at best before I graduate and can utilize the degree.

So, if I wanted law, I said I was going for a paralegal certification. Get certified and get a better job, right?

But the classes for paralegal cost more than I currently make now that child support is being taken. Not that I suspected this would happen, but I am so used to things falling apart when things are going good, I prepared a contingency plan should I not be able to get the paralegal classes which is …

A+ Certification. I’m in an IT degree program BECAUSE I wanted a safety if law didn’t go through. I’m studying the A+ Certification BECAUSE I can’t afford the paralegal certification classes yet. The A+ lessons are free with my education at AIU. All I have to do is pay the exam testing fee which is like $97 each (I’ll need two of them).

Get certified and I can start looking at $16+/hr jobs. Preferably into the $20/hr jobs repairing PCs and technical support, which I have experience in. But my resume jumps from job to job so much I have to really develop one that will be the ultimate IT support specialist version that takes advantage of the certification to come and the bachelor’s degree to come.

What if I don’t get A+ certified? What if I fail the exam? I’m already tired as it is working six days at a job on my feet all night and with a small window to study.

Do I quit this job giving my ex the big “go fuck yourself’? Then I’ll be out of even that little bit of weekly money to even pay for the exam; putting more pressure on my wife again.

Honestly, I’m sticking to the plan.

The plan is working. I just have to notch back how I spend money with the little I have.

I’ll also have to drop down to five days instead of six days a week at this cornball job. A touch less money but more time to study and work on classwork.

I’ll still give a little money directly to my kids. Just not as much as before, I guess. Simply can’t afford it.

THANK GOD I bought that guitar when I said I would. Seeing the child support take a majority of my money, I would have not bought it, knowing it was a frivolous purchase. It’s actually essential. You need something to make yourself happy. I want to learn the guitar and, through all this stress of trying to make more money, get a better education, child support, etc,… I need this artistic ‘me’ time. 

Keeping the child support rolling keeps the system off me indirectly. It doesn’t pay off the arrears, but it’s documented SOMETHING is being paid and that isn’t a bad thing. If .. WHEN … I get certified, I’ll look for work first within the same temp agency I currently work for. This way, the support order stays consistent and I just have to have income requirements that will satisfy both the support and myself.

Otherwise, get certified and just find another job — making the support order find me.

Heavy sigh. Regardless, nothing changes. It was a few short months ago I didn’t have a dime to my name and was unemployed.

I’m employed with less money weekly — but I have money. Now, it’s just up to me to weave through life with a saving/spending control system that won’t make me feel broke until I get the certification. For instance, if I need to pay for things like the exam that’s $97, I don’t use the whole check for the exam fee. I save $50 this week. $50 next week. I split all bills I need to pay in half and storage cash when I can.

The bitch did not win. I am not as angry and I’m still doing well in school, going to learn the guitar, going to get certified and currently happily married.

I just have to stay on track and keep telling myself: the bitch did not win.

I’m winning.

Nootropics

June 14th, 2018

I left work early yesterday because I hate working with lazy idiots. I didn’t quit, I just left 8 hours early to come home and went to sleep till this morning. Naturally, I’m well rested. No need to rant about the job: just stupid lazy people expect me to do the work they fuck up and I had enough. I go in today expecting the place to still be a mess. I’m learning not to do an excellent job and just do a small job. 

I’m not hard-wired to do ‘less’ at work, believe it or not. But this job pushes you into a corner to do less because everyone else is doing less. You’ll end up being the fuck that does everyone’s work if you don’t scale back.

Schoolwork is getting serious. Next month I have algebra. Nuff said. I’m still doing well. It’s just a study of knowing how to play the game that instructors will grade well on. Little petty things are going on with details on writing reports that affect my grades, but nothing serious to rant here about. I’m still getting A-averages. I’m happy.

So what’s going on? Nootropics. The best way to discuss this is breaking down what I want, what I’ve tried and what I will try. My discussion of the use of Nootropics and other legal pharmaceuticals will be the best reviews you’ll ever get. I don’t get free samples. I pay for them myself and I have serious issues that can help me understand if it’s working or not: depression and cloudy attention deficit issues. If something works or doesn’t work, I’ll let you know without a company backing me for a false report. besides, to my knowledge, nobody gives a fuck what I write anyway.

What I Want:

The effects of Adderall.

With Adderall, you can see the moon and stars. The whole universe opens up to you and you can hear a cricket talking about your mother from a mile away while you’re doing your homework and other chores. It’s not so much about giving you energy as it gives clarity. I can focus on one thing with pure sensibility without cloudiness. If you read anything in my journal here is that I used to have a prescription, STILL couldn’t get Adderall because pharmacies are assholes and now I don’t have insurance and no means of getting another prescription anyway.

There are underground options to get Adderall, but do I feel comfortable with sending my money internationally? No. Do I feel comfortable canvassing college campuses for someone selling it? No. For someone who doesn’t commonly buy ‘drugs’ from a street corner or otherwise, my conscience isn’t really warm and fuzzy about getting Adderall from dark means. That also underscores how I am NOT an addicted fiend to get my hands on the stuff. If I were, I wouldn’t give a fuck.

That said, I want the clarity back. Which leads me to …

What I’ve Tried

With the idea that I’m looking for clarity, which can translate to ‘energy’ (though energy isn’t what I don’t need in itself) — clear thinking and the ‘desire’ to do things accents a form of ‘energy’— I’ve been forced to utilize off the shelf things:

NoDoz – Keeps you WIDE awake. Like eyelids propped up with pins. Pros: Keeps you up. Cons: You will crash with sleep harder than ever. Practically for every pill you take is a day of sleep you’ll get when you come off of it.

5 Hour Energy – Just keeps you awake with a 1% clarity effect. Pros: Keeps you working. No crashing effect.  Cons: No enhanced clarity. I’ve noticed certain flavors actually causes aggression! Orange flavor fucked me up badly. No lie. I would look into further — but It’s a strong pissed off feeling I hated repeating.

Red Bull – Again, keeps you moving or awake to keep working. Pros: Same as the rest. Just keeps you working. Cons: taste is annoying.

Adderall – The wonder drug. Clarity 100% Pros: You can speak to God. For me, non-addictive. Not always the case for others. Cons: wears off later int he day and your body adapts to it after a few days. You have to come off a few days and get back on to feel the benefits. Not off the shelf, unfortunately.

* For the record, if you get your hands on Adderall, you need to try it with Red Bull. If talking to God happens with Adderall alone, with Red Bull you can create a new galaxy in six days and rest on the seventh.

(Recently) Coluracetam – Okay, so let’s talk about this stuff. In a nutshell, it’s supposed to be stuff used for Alzheimer’s, failed to be FDA certified, bought by another company and repurposed to help cognitive failings. I read up on it on a few websites, it was a cheap purchase from a site that turned out to be honest (https://healthbynaturals.com/). Got it in two days and used one pill day one.

So, at least for me, what it does is lift my mood. as you know from reading my journal, I can be a snarly bastard that hates everyone. I took the pill on the way to work after I got it in the mail. I was hungry, already pissed that I had to go to the damn job anyway and safe to say not in a good mood.

Thirty-forty minutes after taking the pill, I found myself ‘not angry’ and focused on doing the job I had to do and ignored the fuckery around me. Even said hello willingly to a few people. THAT is not typically me, so I knew the pill did something. 

That was maybe three-four days ago. Since then, I’ve taken the pill in variant times and come to the conclusion, three pills a day (morning, late afternoon and later evening) is just fine to keep the momentum going. I already notice my body adapting to the pill after daily use so pauses in between might need to be scheduled.

Pros: It’s a mood lightener. I’m less ornery about it and busy with whatever tasks; especially schoolwork. It’s not so much giving ‘clarity’ — like I can unravel the mysteries of science like I did with Adderall, but it gives me a less depressed feeling. Since I do have issues with depression, that’s a benefit I can’t overlook even if it doesn’t give clarity.

Cons: There is a metallic taste I’ve been getting since the first one. Over time, my tastebuds were funny. Like foods and simple things like water just tasted funny. Not bad, but almost tasteless. Also, it wears off in a few hours (like 3-4).

I did some research online and found that this stuff is best stacked with other stuff, so that leads me to …

What I Will Try

I’ve done a little research and stacking Coluracetam with other things creates a dynamic package of performance enhancement in the mind. Based on a recommendation from this site (https://www.livecortex.com/2-powerful-coluracetam-nootropic-stacks-1-sublingual/) I recently ordered the following:

  1. 20 MG Sublingual Coluracetam
  2. 100MG Alpha GPC
  3. 200MG Caffeine
  4. 300MG L-Theanine

Ordered the other three from Amazon and they are expected to arrive on Saturday.

I get the caffeine pill. It might as well be NoDoz. I read the Theanine counter-acts the Caffeine. Not sure about the Alpha GPC.

The next thing I’m looking into will be something called Adrafinil which is supposed to be a low dose version of Adderall, but we shall see. I know Adderall and that’s a mighty assessment.

Naturally, I’ll write my full assessment of the pills when they get here. I’m off from work Saturday so I’ll be here to receive them.

In fact, I even thought about going to Archery on Saturday.

No matter how you spin it, looks like ‘something’ is working.

Oh yeah…one other thing: I ordered my first acoustic guitar. 

Yeah. Something is working.