Child Support

June 20th, 2018

I was married before. We have two children that are now well into their teens. I love my children; that I can’t and will never deny. They were the only best part of that relationship.

What do I remember of my marriage with that woman? Her parting words that I can’t ever forget and they keep constantly ringing through my subconscious, making me cringe with anger and hate: “I’m going to take you for child support and they’re going to take all of your money.”

Quote — end quote.

Add to her annoying high-pitch voice and you get the picture.

At the time the child support started, I was making more money. I have, of course, since lost that job and they have been adding arrears into the thousands. Honestly, I have never owed so much to one source in all my life. I have tried to reduce it when I had a lesser job. The judge flat out said: ‘No.’

Really. I couldn’t afford the payments and it was ramping up astronomically back then and he said, without reason, just No.

To this day, I think that is where I started hating people.

I have made attempts to reduce it or change things but the system is thick with red tape. I would have to go back to NY and it’s a complicated mess on purpose. The quest to be a lawyer also includes rectifying alot of this bullshit, by the way.

So what has happened ever since:

I lost my drivers license.

I can’t get a passport.

I have ‘dead-beat’ status arrears that are heavy and impossible to pay off at $12.00/hr.

A long time ago, I asked the ex to help me reduce or remove this child support order. She said no.

I think back then I was near going to kill her. Why? Because I am constantly in my children’s life REGARDLESS. I give them money directly. I even gave them debit cards that allow me to give them money they can use.

Why don’t I pay the child support directly?

Well, let’s go back about eight years ago. I had a good job that paid about $16.00 an hour. Child support started taking their payments and one day my children stayed with me as they usually did in the summer or holidays. They didn’t have appropriate coats for the weather or even decent clothing.

So I asked, “what is your mother doing with the money she’s getting?” I shouldn’t have involved them in my struggles with that bitch but I was fed up. She talks bad about me to them and I usually don’t reciprocate by calling her a bitch to them. But this time, I let my son see what got taken from my checks for child support and opened his eyes to the mother he has. Based on what he said and the lack of stuff I see them have, the money I sent wasn’t being used for them.

Then he confirmed stories I already knew about her: spending money on other people and parties to make herself look like an important person.

She has a job, but when all this started, you got to understand, she ‘took’ my children from New York (where we used to live) and moved to Albany, GA. For about two months, she tried to live off my child support payments, without telling me where she went. If I kept a journal of those events, you would have witnessed me very destroyed at the time. Basically, we divorced, she hit me with child support, when I came to pick up the kids on the weekends like I always did, she was gone. Moved. Left without telling me.

That was when I used some of my inherent missing person’s skills. I found them through a logical set of questions/asking people who didn’t want to tell me. Got a lawyer and forced her back to answer for taking my kids across state lines. The most that happened was I stopped her from moving any further without my permission. She kidnapped my children and got away with it and I’m still paying.

So, flash forward to now and I don’t want her dead as much as I used to but child support still hangs over my head. I don’t ‘willingly’ report it to the services because they often take more than I can afford to live on plus I give my money to the kids directly for the things they need and it’s never as much as they need to take.

I don’t know if that amount will ever get paid, so I don’t even bother.

Meanwhile, there are times, like now, where it catches up to me. They started taking money from this little job I have, cutting my income down to more than half. If the job wasn’t worth going to with what I got, it sure isn’t worth going for less than half.

But this is the constant rotation of it all: Find a job, child support starts in, quit the job because I can’t afford to go to the job or live off of it, find another job, repeat.

I can’t answer for other fathers not doing for their children, but I do. My kids know it and I’m deadlocked into a system that won’t reduce the arrears, release my driver’s license to get to a job if I needed it and it keeps rising. Add a bitch ex-wife that just wants “all my money” and you can see why many ex-wives end up dead.

I have no sympathy when I hear of an ex-wife murdered by her ex. You don’t know the buttons that bitch probably pushed. If you knew the buttons my ex pushed, you’d want her to die, too.

So I’m in a position where if my kids need money, I have to direct them to their mother that received a payment. How can I give them any more directly if she’s getting it?

This sends me in a frantic need to get/find a better job. But, because of my lack of a degree, I couldn’t get a better job — and this brings us to where we are today: me striving for a better life with a degree, thus a potentially better job.

Let’s be clear: if I was getting paid at a job that allowed me to have a life and pay this child support bill, I would be fine with it. I don’t WANT to pay child support to this particular whore, but I am WILLING to pay it if I can make sure I can survive too. What’s the point of paying child support if I can’t survive to go to work to earn the money? Which I will never understand why they suspend driver’s licenses. How do you get to a job without a license? Reasonably. Don’t say mass transit because fuck mass transit if you have a car.

I’m venting. I have a lot more to say on this ex-wife bitch thing but I’m trying to stay centered. The plan has not changed. In fact, I’m really just writing this as documentation to showcase the overall pressure I’m going through. To underscore exactly WHY I am pushing for this degree.

But the degree isn’t coming tomorrow. Or the next week. I have another year and ½ at best before I graduate and can utilize the degree.

So, if I wanted law, I said I was going for a paralegal certification. Get certified and get a better job, right?

But the classes for paralegal cost more than I currently make now that child support is being taken. Not that I suspected this would happen, but I am so used to things falling apart when things are going good, I prepared a contingency plan should I not be able to get the paralegal classes which is …

A+ Certification. I’m in an IT degree program BECAUSE I wanted a safety if law didn’t go through. I’m studying the A+ Certification BECAUSE I can’t afford the paralegal certification classes yet. The A+ lessons are free with my education at AIU. All I have to do is pay the exam testing fee which is like $97 each (I’ll need two of them).

Get certified and I can start looking at $16+/hr jobs. Preferably into the $20/hr jobs repairing PCs and technical support, which I have experience in. But my resume jumps from job to job so much I have to really develop one that will be the ultimate IT support specialist version that takes advantage of the certification to come and the bachelor’s degree to come.

What if I don’t get A+ certified? What if I fail the exam? I’m already tired as it is working six days at a job on my feet all night and with a small window to study.

Do I quit this job giving my ex the big “go fuck yourself’? Then I’ll be out of even that little bit of weekly money to even pay for the exam; putting more pressure on my wife again.

Honestly, I’m sticking to the plan.

The plan is working. I just have to notch back how I spend money with the little I have.

I’ll also have to drop down to five days instead of six days a week at this cornball job. A touch less money but more time to study and work on classwork.

I’ll still give a little money directly to my kids. Just not as much as before, I guess. Simply can’t afford it.

THANK GOD I bought that guitar when I said I would. Seeing the child support take a majority of my money, I would have not bought it, knowing it was a frivolous purchase. It’s actually essential. You need something to make yourself happy. I want to learn the guitar and, through all this stress of trying to make more money, get a better education, child support, etc,… I need this artistic ‘me’ time.

Keeping the child support rolling keeps the system off me indirectly. It doesn’t pay off the arrears, but it’s documented SOMETHING is being paid and that isn’t a bad thing. If .. WHEN … I get certified, I’ll look for work first within the same temp agency I currently work for. This way, the support order stays consistent and I just have to have income requirements that will satisfy both the support and myself.

Otherwise, get certified and just find another job — making the support order find me.

Heavy sigh. Regardless, nothing changes. It was a few short months ago I didn’t have a dime to my name and was unemployed.

I’m employed with less money weekly — but I have money. Now, it’s just up to me to weave through life with a saving/spending control system that won’t make me feel broke until I get the certification. For instance, if I need to pay for things like the exam that’s $97, I don’t use the whole check for the exam fee. I save $50 this week. $50 next week. I split all bills I need to pay in half and storage cash when I can.

The bitch did not win. I am not as angry and I’m still doing well in school, going to learn the guitar, going to get certified and currently happily married.

I just have to stay on track and keep telling myself: the bitch did not win.

I’m winning.

Avoiding Anger While the World Burns.

December 8th 2017

Walmart is killing me.

Suffice to say, working with ANYONE is killing me. I’m officially incapable of negotiating with, working with, leading and being led by other people. Constantly battling common sense verses peoples ridiculous egos and poor leadership. Having no power creates conflict and who wants the power to lead these idiots?

If it’s not Walmart, it’s even at my university. I have a bitch-of-a-professor teaching Presentation 111. You can’t say anything without her arrogant ass snapping at you other students. She’s a fucked up teacher and I have to stick to the letter of the law in order to get around this cunt. This is the same one that fucked me with the B- until she realized she wasn’t grading correctly.

The less I have to deal with her the better. Just a week left anyway.

But you see, I can go through life CONSTANTLY saying: I don’t have to work with so-n-so for long. Just a few more days. Just a few more months. Just a few more years. The question is: when will the people you work with fucking grow up or lead better? When will they change? The answer is never and you’re dealt with learning to have to deal with stupidity instead of stupidity needing to change.

Now, alternatively, stupidity is relative. They could be thinking they are on the right path. My judgement of shit that isn’t working is based on how much shit rolls downhill to me that I have to deal with. Miscommunication. Combative upper management with conflicting orders.

Cunt teachers that have an attitude all the time.

I’d ask myself how I dealt with past jobs when I had such conflict and you’ll then know why I had so many jobs over my life time. I can’t leave this one. Not again. But I’m angry. Always angry. I dread going into the job. I have no outlet to scream, yell, punch …nothing.

I am happy with the progress with my education, though. Of course, I love my children.Knowing that I have insurance for them and some money coming in every two weeks is reassuring. These are the things that stay my anger. Not for long, though. Tomorrow is another day. I have to go in.

I’m doing homework and assignments due tonight. I’m sitting on this idea to give the regional and store manager a health report of my department at Walmart that would end up feeling like a thesis for school. I’m sitting on it because it means I’m committing myself to giving a fuck about Walmart if I write it. But Walmart doesn’t give a fuck about me so why should I produce a 20 page ‘what I want to do for my department’?

Especially if retail isn’t my end goal.We confirmed that weeks ago. This is temporary. Just two ½ more years. (Eyes rolling).

On other news, I’m noticing that the world is in turmoil. Much more than usual. In recent months, maybe over the past year and a half, it seems like a nationalist movement is taking over globally and, recently, old racial differences are flaring up. Even major political figures are claiming “times were better in the past, even though there was slavery.” (Roy Moore, Alabama). And this man isn’t shot dead yet? Nope, as of this date, he might even win a major race going on in Alabama right now.

Trump is president and the world just gotten eviler. People are being outed on sexual harassment charges daily. Politicians admitting to sexual harassment are still thinking they’ll stay in office. Trump himself wins the office even though he said blatantly foul things.

But President Obama was forced to reveal his birth certificate to prove he was American.

White nationalists, the new PC term for racist bastard, need to be eradicated. Sooner than later, they’re going to get the war they’re looking for by doing something stupid. Odd thing is, for eight years, they had a chance to do so with president Obama in office. I’m sure he had more than his fair share of death threats; but that exemplifies the cowardice of these nationalists. They waited until someone like Trump to get in office to talk big. I don’t recall this much noise for eight years. Not like this. For eight years, Blacks in this county came behind President Obama and showcased for all to see we outnumber them.

Which is the problem with the brainwashing of ‘voting’. A group of people put one man in office, they think they are the majority. Trumps in office because the majority DID NOT VOTE. I think I covered this in a previous post.

Look, I can figure things out enough to say the world is burning and I can’t do anything about it. Even if Trump was assassinated, the whole mode of world events will only herald a darker, worse series of events that likely lock down everything. Truth be told, Trump and the White Nationalists don’t directly affect me. At least, not until I get into a law firm. Walmart does and I’m much more aggravated by the people that work there than world events. I can’t solve world hunger. I can make sure my kids eat.

This is why people put on blinders. You have to disconnect. Otherwise you’ll be angry all the time.

Update: December 14th 2017

Roy Moore LOST the Alabama Senate race. Why? Because the majority — African-Americans — turned out and voted. Proof, as I mentioned, it’s not that Trump won by majority. It’s more like the majority didn’t vote. He won by what’s left over. By default cause Blacks, really didn’t vote for Clinton either. If a qualified Black politician (underscore—qualified), ran for president against Trump, he would have been a distant joking memory.

“ …a full 96 percent of Black voters in Alabama Tuesday supported Jones, including 98 percent of African-American women. “Black women led us to victory. Black women are the backbone of the Democratic party,” Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted Wednesday morning, “and we can’t take that for granted. Period."

https://www.npr.org/2017/12/13/570531505/black-votes-matter-african-americans-propel-jones-to-alabama-win

Exit Clock Started

November 21st 2017

I lost semi-control today. All indications point toward an eventual breakdown if I don’t tighten things up.

The job is very stressful. Much more stressful than I remember it being. Maybe it’s because there’s a host of female management in the store—maybe it’s because I’m a different person than I was back 15 years or so. Wow. 19 years since I was I first started with Walmart and left the company?

Yeah, I am different. We acknowledged that I am not that same person. Not by a long shot.

Still, working for women is like working for an erratic, sinking boat: no matter what’s happening, make sure the boat looks pretty. But we’re fucking sinking.

I snapped at the store manager over the radio today so, naturally, that was addressed. I was wrong… I know that. Second time I snapped at these fools, really. Look back at the Santa Claus entry.

So, they sat me down and wanted to know what’s wrong. Why do I ‘spazz out’ every once and awhile? Their words, not mine.

Spazz out.

Heavy sigh.

What am I doing here? In Walmart. All I kept thinking when she spoke about a whole bunch of bullshit on leadership, respect, etc.

Somewhere in her speech, I told her I declined the ‘future leadership’ position. I think that was for the best, really. I don’t want to be an assistant manager. I don’t want to work with retail or these people for longer than it takes to get this degree and get the fuck out.

I almost quit today.

Bad as it is, I ‘told’ my direct manager that I was leaving. I had 30 or so minutes left before my shift ended, but I told him I had to go—like right now. I could not be in this store after I made my apologies for snapping as I did.

I was frustrated. As I’m sure everyone else is. I speak my mind. Probably not the best thing I should do. But I hate being kept silent on things that must be said.

So, I came home and slept for an hour and a half. Took a shower. Prayed. Yeah, I do that. It’s a part of my life that actually works — with evidence. Odd thing is, I often pray to say the right things at the right times and for God to guide my words.

Is that what happened today? Were things that needed to be said — said?

Well, in the end, all I feel is stupid, ashamed, and opened myself up to potential write-ups.

They asked why I was frustrated. I tell them I am called all day to do various tasks—a hundred things pulling me in different directions— and in response, the store manager tried to belittle how I felt by trying to check-off each task and wondering where my priority are.

When some of ‘their’ priorities are ‘making the ship look pretty’ while the ship is sinking.

While my departments have bigger priorities than what they want. Or if I’m asked to do a task by another manager, they expect me to nix him and make sure their shit is taken care of. Who am I to say no to management? I could spend the whole day saying one manager has me doing something else and I can’t do what you need.

So I’m sitting here looking at my bottle of Lexapro. It’s an old prescription; I stopped taking it maybe a year ago, with an occasional one if I feel a lot of anxiety. Like now.

Stuff makes me nauseous. Then I’m a zombie only to eventually level out a month or so later. No desire to do anything. No passion. It kills creative energy.

When I was writing, this stuff was NOT recommended so I stopped taking it.

I’m not writing these days, so whats the excuse. Might even help me get through my school work.

I know this much: I’m sick of moving from job to job. I’m in here…Im not fired. I didn’t quit. I can still make something of this Walmart experience.

The problem is I showed them my unstable hand. My anger. Oh yes, I am angry. But I showed them it. That I reach tipping points easy. declining the future leaders shit probably didn’t help either.

Still, It’s for the best. I know it is. I feel it is.

At the end of the discussion, they suddenly had all these people they can send over my department to help me. Suddenly, after months of asking for more help, seeing my frustration, the availability of more associates in a department that needs more people during the Christmas season, will be obliged. I told them, “It’s sad that it had to come to this for me to get more associates.”

And that right there is what I am feeling. I had to near blow up for them to make changes. We’ll see how those changes play out. We shall see.

But I’m not going to lose my mind just to get my job done. This management are fools and I’m sick of them. They drew out my anger — my fault, but now I see how far they will push souls before they do something smart. Or at least ‘say’ they will do something smart.

So maybe I did say what needed to be said:

“I officially decline future leadership. I do not want to be an assistant manager.”

It stunned them but so what.

What it did was officially start my exit clock with the company. I’ll still do my best with the departments I have but — you know what — I already said it here in this journal: long enough to til getting the bachelors degree.

What I really need is a new plan.

And a new prescription.

A moment of old me

November 5th, 2017

This is going to be long.

A touch complicated, but worth reading. It’s not often that you
get a chance to understand yourself, your past and why you are you. I got my
chance and I appreciated it.

If you plan to change your life, and you are on a steady path to
doing so, you MUST witness or sample your old ways of ‘you’ along the way
to get repulsed and/or get a logical understanding why you got ‘there’ so
you won’t ‘get there’ ever again.

Example: In the book/movie ‘Shogun’, the lead character was
taken from his crew and spent a long time with the Japanese. Learned their
ways, learned to take baths and essentially changed. When he goes to visit his
crew on another part of the island, he’s clearly uncomfortable being with them.
He wasn’t the same man he used to be. First thing he does when he gets away
from them is strip and burn his clothes and takes a bath after spending time
with them itching.

Now, let’s gets back to how it relates to me …

Quick recap:

I’m in American Intercontinental University. Studying Criminal
Justice. No real passion for the subject but a clearer path to law since it
seems likely that I’ll do well with the LSAT’s. I will receive a Bachelor’s
Degree in 2 ½ years with honors.

I work for Walmart—again.

I started as a regular associate, became a department manager in
under 90 days. Working toward assistant manager, which I’m not certain I want
anymore. I’m attracted to the money but not the shit drama of the company
processes. NO WALMART ever has their management team in order. If they say they
do, they are lying. Nevertheless, I am doing well as a department manager and
maybe I can make that work till law school. Maybe. I don’t know.

All this from an uncertain future that ended in April of this
year when I decided to apply to go back to school and stop taking shit jobs.
The last shit job I had was at a factory. I went back to Walmart because I knew
the game and could make it work for me. Thus, department manager in less time
than most.

So, yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday.

Christmas season is coming so each department has these cornball
events. You know, seasonal sections that are specifically for the approaching
holiday. Much of the previous month was Halloween — candy, costumes that sort
of thing.

Once November 1st hit, it was all about Christmas — which
means ‘toys’ and that’s my department. One of two: I have sporting goods
and toys.

Before I get into the problems, I should explain my approach
with this job that is the secret to my success: I say ‘yes’.

You see, management are suckers and easily manipulated just
because they need someone who doesn’t push-back. When everyone is telling them
‘no’ or ‘I can’t’, the lone man that says ‘yes, it will be done’ can be king.
While it can be perceived as ‘brown nosing’ or sucking up, when management
gives you a million things to do and you’re saying yes, I know you’ll only get
1% done but all they heard is that you said ‘yes’ and that’s all that
matters. Even though the impossibility of doing a million things just won’t get
done.

I know this because in the past, I was a manager. The vilest
thing on earth is to ask an employee to do something and they complain, say
they can’t and give push back. It frustrates the manager. Everyone is ticked
off and the work is forced on someone.

They need you to pick up pallets, “Yes. I’ll take care of
it.” They need you to stock shelves and zone the area — sure, why not. They
want you to do a million other things at the same time? Sure, no problem.

Do I get all of it done? Of course not.

However, I do make attempts to try to do so. After all, they are my departments, right?
Physically, it won’t happen especially if they don’t have associates on the
payroll working with me. I’ve been the lone worker for my two departments until
one or two others come in at random times. They don’t work as hard as I do,
either. Always talking shit, slow or taken to other departments. I really don’t
fit them in my work equation at all.

So, in order to get my work done, I prioritize the important
things and work on a schedule that works for me. Which is why I have been
coming to work early mornings a lot these past few weeks. I simply can’t get
anything done with customers and management in the way. I would show up at 3am
and leave at noon; totally avoiding the pesky managers all giving different
orders and priorities.

Another part of my success is that I keep my own priority list.
Most things they want me to do is just not as important as what they think it
is. They are following a Walmart playbook that works for white, low-selling,
moderate and conservative stores/regions. Like a test store that has no
customers and is perpetually clean with one associate.

A real store doesn’t have time to put up rollback flags and new
flags on items when the customers keep knocking them off. Or prices on basketballs
that keep getting filled with different price points—causing conflict at the
register when they say they found it for one price though it rings up another.
Same with air mattresses. Slide the box over one space from $64.00 to $24.00,
they swear they need to get it for $24.00. Do I want to argue with customers
everyday about that? No…I remove the prices and they are forced to ask and
find out. The customer that ‘wants’ the item will still buy it.

In any case, maybe because it’s the season, but my departments
are up daily. Better than having a department not run by a capable manager, in
any case.

So, let’s get to it. They wanted me to wear this Santa Clause outfit.

Now, any other day, I wouldn’t have had trouble with that idea.
It would be fun, I’d just roam the store and do no work. I get it.

However, I have prioritized a bunch of other things for the
Christmas seasonal section. You see, by this time, the shelves in that section
(away from the regular toy section) should have been filled. Typically, a list
came down of toys that would be coming late so we had to fill the empty spaces
with other toys until the real ones came in.

No problem, I get that.

What the fucks did when I was off the clock and at home the
previous day, was pull the toys that were SUPPOSED to be there and fill in
randomly everywhere else in addition to bringing in loads of other toys. Making
extra work and ruining the set modular that was in place.

On top of that, I go digging in the backroom and find a lot of
the missing toys that overnight didn’t put out. So, they moved all the toys in the
seasonal section for absolutely no reason. All they had to do was do their jobs
and put out the toys that we had. Sounds confusing? Don’t worry about it.
Bottom line: Overnight sucks ass as always. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a
million times: Overnight employees at all jobs are unsupervised assholes.

So, I’m getting repeated calls to fill the toys in seasonal as
well as my own regular section. Keep in mind, it’s mid-day and I have no one
working with me. I complain that I have no associates and all I get is “that’s
a problem for everyone”. So, when it gets like that, my feelings have been to
shrug and just do what I can and leave it alone.

Oh, yes…I’m still saying yes … but yesterday was different.

I had so much to do, I purposely delayed getting this Santa
clause shit happening. In fact, I did NOT want to do it and refused many, many
times. The even would start at 1:00 PM. By 1:30 PM, they’re asking me why I’m
not in the suit. That’s when I let them have it. I did the one thing that I
wasn’t supposed to do: I pushed back.

First, I said this event was a low priority joke. I have all
this freight and no associates. You gave me a list of things so I prioritized
this event as low. If it didn’t happen, I had no problem with it.

They complained that it was a mandatory company event and it had
to be done.

I wasn’t budging with my hate to wear the Santa outfit. It
wasn’t so much hate to wear the suit. It was them fucking with my priority
list.

During the back and forth, I was getting agitated and that
familiar feeling to walk out of the job was upon me. That unstable anger,
confusion, anxiety. The feelings that would force me to take a Lexapro.

But I calmed down, put on the suit and it turned out to be a
nice event. I did NO work. My departments were a mess and I left freight right where
I left it by order of the management. At 4pm, I went home.

You’ll say… “Now, was it that hard?”

I say to you, yes. Because I’m not that person anymore on two
levels.

First, I am smart enough to run my departments … my life …
with a measure of success. I no longer want guidance or someone to adjust how I
prioritize what I am doing except God himself. I don’t like being controlled by
others and forced to wear stupid outfits. I’m a grown man and this won’t happen
again. Ever.

The only way out of it, while in retail, is to become an
assistant manager. A position that pays well but I don’t know if that’s what I
want. The hassle is ridiculous. Besides, I’m trying to veer toward law.

Second, I did not like getting close to losing control.
That “I’ll quit” “Fuck this job” emotion I am all so familiar
with.

That’s not me anymore.

So, last night, after work, I took a hard look at myself and
realized my anxiety came from a lot of the same things: inability to do what I
need to do to succeed. I couldn’t sell my novel. I couldn’t keep a job. I hated
the jobs I was at. Not doing what meant important to me. That endless circle.

These days, I’ve created my game: going back to school, my climb
in Walmart. I’ve been in control of every aspect of where I am going — then
to get into that Santa suit felt demeaning. I wasn’t in control.

I felt stupid for two reasons: One is obvious. For getting in
that suit. The other was pushing back when I knew it wasn’t part of my game
plan. MY game plan.

My game plan.

MY game plan. I have to remember. All of this is part of MY game
plan.

I was supposed to say yes, get in the suit, shut the fuck up and
keep moving forward.

I did NOT shut the fuck up and argued fruitlessly.

I won’t do that again. The success I am moving in, at least with
Walmart and setting up for the future, is to manipulate the game in my favor.
So, if dressing up is part of it, I should not have fought it. At the very
least, I should have hired someone else to play Santa.

What happens now is I have management, even though they are
disgruntled themselves, seeing me as someone who is capable of being defiant.
No longer the ‘can do’ yes guy.

It’s okay. I just have to stay in my lane for a few months. Keep
silent and do what they expect of me to get back in order. It’s just, all day
yesterday, I saw the old me — confused, anxiety prone and angry with no
control over things — and I was itching.

The Fix: Above and Beyond

I found a way to elevate this rash of anger lately. Tried it out for a couple of days since the last post and I can confirm, with further practice, I will be able to move forward on a great many things.

No, it has nothing to do with drinking.

It actually beings and ends on my perspective. Not so much ‘how’ I think but ‘where’ I view things.

First, let me address what was triggering me.

When I walk about my day; anywhere — at work, at the mall, walking through the library, I typically keep my head up and find myself looking at people in the eyes. This is what I see:

Notice the judgmental eyes. Notice the rolling of eyes (which I get a lot of). This is with me greeting people with a smile, no less. I get it’s not MY problem and it’s whatever is going on in their lives. I get that. Still, we are taught to walk with our heads up, look people in their eyes when you meet them.

Key important words: ‘when you meet them’. Not necessarily BEFORE you meet them.

When I look at people, I get these evil expressions that wear me down. Then I’m looking at the whole frame and conduct my own set of judging (i.e., angry fat motorized cart people, people on their phones all the time, etc, etc). The world goes round and round. Repetitively hammering while I’m always wondering why everyone is looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.

I’ve long since stopped looking down to the ground when I walk about. People who look downward tend to slouch, walk and motion in a downward spiral. I’m always teaching my kids to keep their back straight and look up when walking.

Lately, in order to avoid looking at people, I have tried looking down when walking about but it was not ‘me’. Very uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with someone about my height (6′2″). I mentioned I don’t feel like I am any taller than anyone else. I mentioned that I feel average. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

That was part of the problem.

I’m walking about feeling that I’m on the same height level as everyone else; trying to be on the same level as others and not being accepted. Thus feeling angry and causing a lot of hate.

Before this gets any more egotistical, I need to underscore I’m talking about height, not state of mind —- HOWEVER, this new process I’m doing is triggering an enlightening of my thinking and doing the unthinkable: that I’m not on the same level as others and I should stop trying to go low.

The ‘fix’ was simple and, seemingly, life changing that effectively stopped this daily hate thing I was going through:

Notice the area above their heads. For my height, it’s an easy thing to do, look above and beyond them. Instead of trying to narrow my vision, when I’m walking, to look at those passing me, my head is up and my vision is over them — past them. As a result, I don’t notice people as persistent as I was doing. Not looking at their eyes UNLESS they are specifically addressing me or I need to talk to them.

The results are fantastic. At least for me. I can’t say what it does for people shorter. They would have their own demons to defeat. For me, I am looking over people and I won’t try to ‘not’ be tall. By looking past people, I really do ignore them and get back to thinking about where I’m going. Literally and figuratively. I’m back to thinking of creative thinking as well since the space that was filled with fear, anger and worry what people thought of me is being replaced with the stories and ideas that made me who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s only been a few days. As I walk about, I still automatically look at people passing me and I see those eyes again. I’ll never understand why they look at me. It’s something I need to work on and keep training myself to look above people.

Is it about being ‘better’ than others?

No. I’m thinking it’s more about being better.

Now it’s up to someone else to wonder if I think I’m better than them or not and it won’t be my concern. I’m moving forward without thinking about the next person until I need to. Key important words: Until I need to.

Side note: A’s still coming in. GPA remains 4.0. I’ll be ending this set of classes with a perfect score and moving into actual Criminal Justice classes next month.

I couldn’t go to the pre-law event that started yesterday into this weekend. Couldn’t afford it. Still, I know about it now and it may make better sense to go next year during my sophomore years.