Tag: animation

Illegal Pleasure

February 11th, 2018

I’ve been writing again. I’ve even gone as far as planned out a short animation project I shouldn’t be working on.

Why not?

Remember, this whole academic experiment started on the premise “If the stuff I love isn’t working, the stuff I don’t care about should make me a golden boy.”

Eight months in, I’ve proved my theory correct and the grades show it. You have to be looking at it from a conservative, conformist view to think that I must ‘love’ going to school. I do not love this. I’m going through the motions because I have to and it’s working out. I do not have a passion for this.

The things that I have a passion for failed. Failure after failure. The stuff I put my whole heart into. The stuff I cared about. Still kind of triggers me with unknown answers as to why.

So, with my eyes semi-closed, this ‘going for a bachelor’s degree’ is working out and that’s why I feel like a fraud. It’s not in my heart at all. Given the same amount of time and energy I’m putting into school, I would do the same for my animation or writing a book and would rather have the success of those things over a bachelors degree any day.

Now, thinking this through logically, what am I doing right in school work that I wasn’t in my creative pursuits?

Never mind, I already realized that the path to academic success is objectively graded while the creative work is not graded but reviewed subjectively. I can get an “A” in biology by just answering questions right and doing the assignments as I am supposed to do. No big deal. I find the only problem I would have in this linear path is if I choose not to do it. Or get lazy.

But in creative pursuits, I am at the whim of others who view my work. 

I can say this: the harshest reviewer of my own work has been me. I know I stopped projects before they gotten anywhere because I hated the quality. But what of the work I did finish and put out there? 

I have been the victim of just not enough money to market anything. Even the stuff with rave reviews will only get so far unless people know it’s out there.

I don’t keep anything on long enough to gather a fan base.

I don’t socialize enough to gather boundless ‘likes’.

Creative works and academic paths are two different animals and I see the whole school thing is just ‘easy’ provided you stay on it. 

Not easy to do in an actual school environment with all sorts of distractions. I probably wouldn’t have been doing as well as I am if I had to do this in a physical location. Looking at too much pussy guaranteed.

So how do I handle moving forward with my passions lying dormant?

I know, if I do anything, it can’t interfere with the existing path of the bachelors degree. Period. End of story.

Call what I’m about to do — a stress-free hobby.

Career Settling

December 10th 2017

I have to keep reminding myself “I am not retail orientated.”

I have to keep pushing myself to be “law” focused. At best, right now, academically focused until it’s time to focus on LSAT/law school ambitions. Some would argue, right now.

I’m having trouble adjusting to the suppression of the career that I want. You can say, “Oh, go ahead and be a filmmaker.” I tried for more than half my lifetime and produced nothing but failed memories that went no further than where I started. The attempt to be a filmmaker, for me, has been nothing but an uphill battle of near zero support and little to no money. Attempting to shift to animation to offset assistance and expense also fell flat with barely anyone even looking at my work. I guess you can say I have zero confidence that I was even a good animator.

One can also argue that it’s my fault because I have no confidence in the things I do.

I’m back to why I’m going back to school and law: because it’s a serendipitous ease of passage.

I had little trouble achieving the work I’m doing right now, in academic work, and passing some of the practice LSAT tests compared to getting my films off the ground. Or my books. 

Another argument could be made: Gaining the approval of an audience is harder than performing linear instructions to achieve a degree.

I don’t know. Today, I feel confused and lifeless. I’m supposed to be working on a paper for class. I’m bored with the whole school concept like when I was growing up. I’m still on time with my work but this life is stale. Uninspired. Combined with working at Walmart, i feel trapped and without creativity, which is my core value: being creative.

Is my work so bad that I can’t capture the attention of more than a handful of people? 

Granted, with almost everything I did, it was self-taught. There are greater talented people out there that taught themselves things and are working for major companies.

I’m willing to take classes on animation or film-making to improve. I often feel that studying animation to get a ‘certificate’ doesn’t guarantee you job placement. Getting my bachelors in criminal justice ‘might’ fill in that hole. To get people to look at my work, at least., even though the degree has nothing to do with the work. But I’ve been saying that for ages: why do I need a degree at all if I have the talent? Most companies won’t look unless you have a degree.

Or maybe I don’t have the talent.

Troubled, troubled, troubled. Again, I’ve selected the path of law because of the money and serendipitous blessings its giving. Finally something I can put in effort and see results. Without too much thinking. I wanted that with my film career. And in that I put my heart with no results. 

Sigh.

What I have been attempting to do … to ease my restless soul … is re-invite my film/animation/writing aspirations back into the fold by taking it back on regardless. It makes me happy, so why stop? Doing an act just to do it for your pleasure without an audience isn’t logical. At least not in entertainment. The point is to ‘entertain’ others. Not just yourself.

Can I possible work hard enough to achieve the bachelors degree and study animation to get a certificate; build a truly professional reel and incorporate everything I need and want? To what end goal? Bachelors to cover my ass. Animation to cover my heart. Law to cover my expenses. Film making to cover my dreams.

It’s a lot. Keep in mind, as of this date, I STILL haven’t attended another Toastmasters meeting. Or paid recent dues. What makes me think I can juggle two separate career studies?

But I am bored. I need a little life injection.

Also I can’t afford it: going to a second school requires out of pocket expenses that I simply can’t pay for. Self-study all this time produced zero results without a teacher to correct and show.

Sometimes, I feel my life was wasted. I thought any talent I had would accumulate to a successful life. It hasn’t. What do I do with all this wasted untalented knowledge?

That’s the heartbreak of it all. 

Then again, that’s the problem with things that come easy: I may be doing this school work and getting A’s and a perfect GPA with honors … but I feel I’m not earning it. When I was doing film and animation and struggled to succeed, I was getting no attention and no ‘applause’ … but I felt I earned whatever I did get.I just wanted more.