I’m going to come off of two things for a few weeks and see how it feels: I’m going to stop watching and reading the news … and I’m coming off all social media except posting here.
I’ve mentioned before that I felt that the social media narrative was clogging my perspective and so is the news. I have a project I’m working on and suddenly, as I pursue details on building it, all I get is news about other well-financed companies building the same thing, so I’ve developed negative feelings about building my own.
I wake up and the first thing I do is see what’s going on in the news. A recent shooting at a Nashville Waffle house that killed four people a few days ago. The White man and his automatic rifle was stopped before he killed more, was on the run…naked … for those past few days, but the cops somehow managed to find and NOT kill him. Remember: cops kill Black people for far less.
Plus I hear he’s out on Bond or something like that.
I was so mad with yet another example of fucking cops and White Privilege, I barely got my day started and I was already mad at the world.
Last night, I thought about cutting off these sources taInting my thoughts and now I’m sure of it. I’ve stopped using Facebook before for close to a couple of months. I remember it was the ‘clearest’ few months I ever had. Facebook is so ingrained into the things I use, to contact a few important people, I don’t delete it BUT if I can go six months, I’ll go longer and then delete it.
So I delete the app and took off all my news apps. It’s a start. The need to ‘check’ #Facebook will subside once the availability is gone. Same with the news.
Here is where being anti-social has its rewarding skillset. I don’t NEED to talk to everyone online. I’m not a narcissist. I’ve long since stopped posting personal pictures. I don’t want the attention except toward my novels. Since I barely get that, I’ll vanish.
The downside, I liked listening to NPR. Ahh well. All of these news programs just trigger me. It’s not the news but the injustice you hear constantly.
This may sound troubling, but I think it’s time I listened to my own thoughts for a while. That would be considered a negative at times. The plan is to hear my positive voice speak me forward and not to let social media and new media push the negative voices my direction.
I’ve been writing much of this time. A novella series and it’s about ready to roll out the first of every month. I’ve written an overview of the next few months of stories (twelve months of stories expected). One a month starting April.
I’ve done all my usual writing due diligence: effectively told a solid story, checking for grammar and spelling errors. Kept the work under 13,000 words. Satisfying cliffhanger to keep the stories rolling. Keep readers interested.
So what’s wrong? Well, nothing really. Here’s where I have to divide myself compared to the author I used to be.
As you can see, my college pursuit is still going strong. I’m very proud of the Presidential Award. Very proud. When I started all of this, I promised to focus on the school work. The creative work wasn’t working. But, as you can also see, I am naturally drawn to writing. It’s who I am.
The problem in the earlier years of writing, I was constantly frustrated that I couldn’t get anyone to review my work. I didn’t then … and I don’t now … have the money for marketing. As you know, I am not ‘social’ enough to work the social networks.
The last novel couldn’t get anyone to review my book — no matter how many ‘query’ letters and emails I submitted to reviewers. Either rejected or no response.
The book before that did get reviews, but not enough. They were all positive and great reviews, but it just couldn’t get to enough people. To this day, it’s just 9 reviews — but when I gave it away free, there were thousands downloaded. The numbers don’t add up.
This morning, I’m poking around to find places to submit the first book of this series for a review and I’ve decided to to stop.
I think what’s bothering me is the arrogance of these reviewer sites. Send a query letter for the privilege of having them read my work. When last checked, these reviewer sites are nobody of influence. People I know that do read books don’t read their site. Mostly just the same authors they review visit them.
My point is, I can’t go crazy pandering for reviews anymore. It comes dangerously close to me ‘begging’ some nobody indie website to ‘please read my work’ only to give them license to yay or nay my book before it even gets to actual readers.
Again, my hate for people’s idiocy can’t justify begging to another human being to read and review what I write. Still, it’s the ‘point’ … creative seeking approval of others for his or her art. It’s why we post things. Showcase our work, etc.
Am I writing for others or am I writing for me? The answer is complex, but I can say I am writing for me to keep myself sane — with the hopes someone(s) will like my work along the way. What gets me is I have been a proven, well-reviewed author just not enough reviews and I don’t understand that.
So, to keep things balanced since I’m essentially writing for my own psychological expression and creative release — I’ve chosen one service that doesn’t seem to put the author through pathetic hoops to jump and will submit a finished version to them, keep my head down and just keep writing. If reviews come by readers, great. I’m done chasing it because, yes, I’m done with people but getting approval from others wastes time when I should be solidifying the work itself.
Do I worry that I will not get any new readers without connecting to social sources? Yes, but I don’t beg. The course of action now is about intrinsic gravitation. The readership will come if I keep writing. Need an example?
So, I went to the observation class … and you guessed it … that churning annoyance overwhelmed me: Do I really want to be in an environment with other people? Least of all, being touched by another person. Cause, without a doubt, if you’re going to learn a martial art, it’s a contact sport and like Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”
My personal “punch in the face” is the reality that I don’t want to be around anyone. Also, I see I have an anger that isn’t appropriate for ‘sparring’. Which is why I never liked play fighting while growing up. A rage thing that understands the only reason to fight someone is to hospitalize the opponent. People with better control are apt to sparring and play fighting better than I could.
So that defeats my desires to study a martial art and I was fairly upset about it last night. I sat there cringing: the idea of needing to “pair up” with a partner … practice forms — “team up” and “work with your partner” … vile concepts that made me want to throw up.
Yeah. That’s the POINT of studying a martial art. You can’t study alone in some mountain top without knowing the feeling of throwing an opponent. You need to adapt your body to randomness of power, weight and motion of another human being.
All of which repulsed me. More than I expected. I mean, come on. I did it before. I took Aikido, Karate, Judo, etc, etc over my lifetime — regardless of how brief. But then again, this might have explained my lack of interest back then. I LOVE the concept of martial arts. The beauty of the styles and concepts.
I hate the people. Any people.
Perhaps I couldn’t identify it when I was younger. But here I am, a crotchety old and getting older man and it’s worse than ever. There’s an inner me that is screaming that I want to “join” and “be part of” with others — in marital arts. At Toastmasters.
But when I show up, I get hives. Self conscious. Fear about how I look or what I said wrong.Then I spend days later replaying every wrong thing I said or analyzing what someone may have said to me. Like a constantly damning recording of my own blooper reel.
And then it all translates to ‘hate’ of being around people.
Even if nothing happened in reality. Somehow, my mind makes a mountain out of a molehill. I know this. I can’t help it. So, that was the prime reason to study a martial art as well: control of all of this shit.
But if GOING to a dojo brings anxiety alone … then what the fuck??? How the hell will I get anything done?
You know, while I sat there at the observation class, the instructor, who apparently was taught by the guy who was taught by Bruce Lee, talked about Bruce’s style and such. I was thinking about why I couldn’t find one solid Wing Chun instructor — high in a mountain — that I could call master for three-five years, then come back from this mountain with a whole new skill set.
Knowing me, if said mountain top instructor decided to take on a second student, I’d quit. The fuck am I going to do?
On other notes, this has generally been a good week. Money was tight going into Christmas so I cashed in on an old 410(k) plan I had with Apple. I left a size-able amount there, but I took, like $1,000 out ($700.00 after all the fucking taxes and fees) plus cashed out the Walmart stock I had. Each pay period it deposits more anyway so I needed the money to get things for the holidays. If I didn’t do it when I did it, we would have had some financial issues here.
Even bought us a Christmas tree. I mean, we get one every year. This year was a little different. We did a really classic thing yesterday: cut our own tree. I impressed my wife with my outdoors man skills lol. A nice 7-footer and really full.
This tree kind of symbolizes how I have been feeling much of this year. Without counting my erratic hate for people, my life this year has been full, well founded and lit up. With presents about to be placed. Some would say, equally, ‘cut down, destined to die and shedding’ …. I choose to look at the upside of the tree/life symbol.
Got us a much needed couch/sleeper so when my kids get here, they aren’t subjected to the damn air mattresses again. It should be here by Tuesday.
This will be my first Christmas that I actually bought my kids things. All others was paid for my wives past and I hated that dependency. Still, as much as I want to get things for them, I’m trying to create a balance where, after the holidays, I’ll have some money in reserve. It’s almost impossible.
But, I’m still working. Even as close to the edge I am of quitting or getting fired, I’m still working and coming up on six months at Walmart in January.
How’s school? The same: 4.0 GPA. All assignments in on time and written with extensive efforts. I’m in the last week of this term for English 107 and Presentations 111. The next class starts late December after a few days Christmas break. I think I saw it was “Careers in Criminal Justice” and something else. Forgot what it was. What I do know: a “Math” class is on the near horizon and this is where we start seeing my grades plummet.
Actually, that’s not a fair assessment. I’ve been doing gangbusters these past months and I refuse to let it change.Just that Math and I have been bitter enemies for eons.
Aside from that, it’s fucking odd how going back to school has been a breeze. Sounds cocky, I know. Math is coming. It’ll put me back in perspective. Another form of being “hit in the face”, per se.
The issues I had of the previous week socially — extreme hate for people — took a greater toll than I had a chance to discuss.
As mentioned, I joined a few organizations to improve my career status: Elks, Kiwanis, Toastmasters. I was supposed to go to the Elks and Kiwanis meetings this past week but failed to do so. I can use the excuse that I was working, which I was, but truthfully I didn’t want to see anyone. Did not want to talk to anyone.
I can’t explain this burning hate. Almost psychotic. Very much allergic of being around people. I can’t quite say agoraphobic; I don’t mind going out. It’s just any place groupings of people are going to be, you WON’T find me. Parties, sporting events, clubs, bars, etc, etc. The movies is okay, but these days people using their phones in the theaters DURING the movie makes me want to go ballistic.
So I didn’t go to the initial meetings for those organizations and it depressed me. You see, I KNOW I have to do better. I’m trying. That’s why I reached out to join these things.
Toastmasters was Tuesday night at 6:30pm. I brought my application and my money order for club fees. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like the people who were talking and speaking (the point of Toastmasters, right?) were annoying me to the core.
So I left. Handed my application and fees and left early.
Once out, I felt an overwhelming calm. Like that feeling you might get from being released from prison. Like the world was finally open to me.
Makes NO sense why I feel that way but here it is. I’ve always felt this way, honestly. It’s just me trying to fight it these days.
The problem is, based on some 48 years of personal study, I am to understand I don’t LOOK anti-social.
People see me and think not only am I going to steal their pussy; like I’m some sort of pretty boy player — they say I look like I would date a white girl. Often called serious. Often handsome.
The point of view of myself is far, far less than what others see. I think of myself as a joke just getting by. Never sure why I was ever married before or now. What drew women to me. Lots of sex over the years but, in my head, I think I mostly caught women during a ‘hunger’ rather than a ‘wanting choice’. Kind of like how a fat girl gets laid by random strangers. Would the guy fuck her by choice? Nope. She’s there. Nobody needs to know. She’s willing to take the dick. Get off and move on. I think that has been why I’ve gotten so much ass over the years: I’m that fat bitch. lol.
Seriously, I have to control this anti-social situation. No I don’t want to get back on Lexipro. The shit makes me nauseous and a zombie over time. With low sex drive.
Interestingly, I found drinking (liquor) opens me up a little. Yeah, that sounds funny because that’s what drinking is supposed to do. I don’t drink so it’s a whole new layer of shit I have to consider.
I don’t have an addictive trait so being an alcoholic wouldn’t be the problem.
I have to test this out. Maybe this week.
In the past, I found taking a little swig of alcohol (on an empty stomach) relaxed me to talk to anyone. Too much made me say too much (lololol) … just enough allowed me to not give a fuck about who’s around me.
So, cheaper than drugs, I’ll consider buying “liquid courage” and go to the next toastmasters meeting.
The problem with alcohol is the smell. People can always tell when someone is drinking. I sure can. Maybe it’s those who drink too much. Like it coming out of their pores. Like smokers. I don’t want to be THAT guy.
If my drinking sums up to one small glass, once a month, when needed, I guess it can’t be that bad. Just to get over some social hurdles.
See what you have to do in order to deal with people?
myJournal 