Tag: bachelors degree

Child Support

June 20th, 2018

I was married before. We have two children that are now well into their teens. I love my children; that I can’t and will never deny. They were the only best part of that relationship.

What do I remember of my marriage with that woman? Her parting words that I can’t ever forget and they keep constantly ringing through my subconscious, making me cringe with anger and hate: “I’m going to take you for child support and they’re going to take all of your money.”

Quote — end quote.

Add to her annoying high-pitch voice and you get the picture.

At the time the child support started, I was making more money. I have, of course, since lost that job and they have been adding arrears into the thousands. Honestly, I have never owed so much to one source in all my life. I have tried to reduce it when I had a lesser job. The judge flat out said: ‘No.’

Really. I couldn’t afford the payments and it was ramping up astronomically back then and he said, without reason, just No.

To this day, I think that is where I started hating people.

I have made attempts to reduce it or change things but the system is thick with red tape. I would have to go back to NY and it’s a complicated mess on purpose. The quest to be a lawyer also includes rectifying alot of this bullshit, by the way.

So what has happened ever since:

I lost my drivers license.

I can’t get a passport.

I have ‘dead-beat’ status arrears that are heavy and impossible to pay off at $12.00/hr.

A long time ago, I asked the ex to help me reduce or remove this child support order. She said no.

I think back then I was near going to kill her. Why? Because I am constantly in my children’s life REGARDLESS. I give them money directly. I even gave them debit cards that allow me to give them money they can use.

Why don’t I pay the child support directly?

Well, let’s go back about eight years ago. I had a good job that paid about $16.00 an hour. Child support started taking their payments and one day my children stayed with me as they usually did in the summer or holidays. They didn’t have appropriate coats for the weather or even decent clothing. 

So I asked, “what is your mother doing with the money she’s getting?” I shouldn’t have involved them in my struggles with that bitch but I was fed up. She talks bad about me to them and I usually don’t reciprocate by calling her a bitch to them. But this time, I let my son see what got taken from my checks for child support and opened his eyes to the mother he has. Based on what he said and the lack of stuff I see them have, the money I sent wasn’t being used for them.

Then he confirmed stories I already knew about her: spending money on other people and parties to make herself look like an important person. 

She has a job, but when all this started, you got to understand, she ‘took’ my children from New York (where we used to live) and moved to Albany, GA. For about two months, she tried to live off my child support payments, without telling me where she went. If I kept a journal of those events, you would have witnessed me very destroyed at the time. Basically, we divorced, she hit me with child support, when I came to pick up the kids on the weekends like I always did, she was gone. Moved. Left without telling me.

That was when I used some of my inherent missing person’s skills. I found them through a logical set of questions/asking people who didn’t want to tell me. Got a lawyer and forced her back to answer for taking my kids across state lines. The most that happened was I stopped her from moving any further without my permission. She kidnapped my children and got away with it and I’m still paying.

So, flash forward to now and I don’t want her dead as much as I used to but child support still hangs over my head. I don’t ‘willingly’ report it to the services because they often take more than I can afford to live on plus I give my money to the kids directly for the things they need and it’s never as much as they need to take.

I don’t know if that amount will ever get paid, so I don’t even bother.

Meanwhile, there are times, like now, where it catches up to me. They started taking money from this little job I have, cutting my income down to more than half. If the job wasn’t worth going to with what I got, it sure isn’t worth going for less than half.

But this is the constant rotation of it all: Find a job, child support starts in, quit the job because I can’t afford to go to the job or live off of it, find another job, repeat.

I can’t answer for other fathers not doing for their children, but I do. My kids know it and I’m deadlocked into a system that won’t reduce the arrears, release my driver’s license to get to a job if I needed it and it keeps rising. Add a bitch ex-wife that just wants “all my money” and you can see why many ex-wives end up dead. 

I have no sympathy when I hear of an ex-wife murdered by her ex. You don’t know the buttons that bitch probably pushed. If you knew the buttons my ex pushed, you’d want her to die, too.

So I’m in a position where if my kids need money, I have to direct them to their mother that received a payment. How can I give them any more directly if she’s getting it?

This sends me in a frantic need to get/find a better job. But, because of my lack of a degree, I couldn’t get a better job — and this brings us to where we are today: me striving for a better life with a degree, thus a potentially better job.

Let’s be clear: if I was getting paid at a job that allowed me to have a life and pay this child support bill, I would be fine with it. I don’t WANT to pay child support to this particular whore, but I am WILLING to pay it if I can make sure I can survive too. What’s the point of paying child support if I can’t survive to go to work to earn the money? Which I will never understand why they suspend driver’s licenses. How do you get to a job without a license? Reasonably. Don’t say mass transit because fuck mass transit if you have a car.

I’m venting. I have a lot more to say on this ex-wife bitch thing but I’m trying to stay centered. The plan has not changed. In fact, I’m really just writing this as documentation to showcase the overall pressure I’m going through. To underscore exactly WHY I am pushing for this degree.

But the degree isn’t coming tomorrow. Or the next week. I have another year and ½ at best before I graduate and can utilize the degree.

So, if I wanted law, I said I was going for a paralegal certification. Get certified and get a better job, right?

But the classes for paralegal cost more than I currently make now that child support is being taken. Not that I suspected this would happen, but I am so used to things falling apart when things are going good, I prepared a contingency plan should I not be able to get the paralegal classes which is …

A+ Certification. I’m in an IT degree program BECAUSE I wanted a safety if law didn’t go through. I’m studying the A+ Certification BECAUSE I can’t afford the paralegal certification classes yet. The A+ lessons are free with my education at AIU. All I have to do is pay the exam testing fee which is like $97 each (I’ll need two of them).

Get certified and I can start looking at $16+/hr jobs. Preferably into the $20/hr jobs repairing PCs and technical support, which I have experience in. But my resume jumps from job to job so much I have to really develop one that will be the ultimate IT support specialist version that takes advantage of the certification to come and the bachelor’s degree to come.

What if I don’t get A+ certified? What if I fail the exam? I’m already tired as it is working six days at a job on my feet all night and with a small window to study.

Do I quit this job giving my ex the big “go fuck yourself’? Then I’ll be out of even that little bit of weekly money to even pay for the exam; putting more pressure on my wife again.

Honestly, I’m sticking to the plan.

The plan is working. I just have to notch back how I spend money with the little I have.

I’ll also have to drop down to five days instead of six days a week at this cornball job. A touch less money but more time to study and work on classwork.

I’ll still give a little money directly to my kids. Just not as much as before, I guess. Simply can’t afford it.

THANK GOD I bought that guitar when I said I would. Seeing the child support take a majority of my money, I would have not bought it, knowing it was a frivolous purchase. It’s actually essential. You need something to make yourself happy. I want to learn the guitar and, through all this stress of trying to make more money, get a better education, child support, etc,… I need this artistic ‘me’ time. 

Keeping the child support rolling keeps the system off me indirectly. It doesn’t pay off the arrears, but it’s documented SOMETHING is being paid and that isn’t a bad thing. If .. WHEN … I get certified, I’ll look for work first within the same temp agency I currently work for. This way, the support order stays consistent and I just have to have income requirements that will satisfy both the support and myself.

Otherwise, get certified and just find another job — making the support order find me.

Heavy sigh. Regardless, nothing changes. It was a few short months ago I didn’t have a dime to my name and was unemployed.

I’m employed with less money weekly — but I have money. Now, it’s just up to me to weave through life with a saving/spending control system that won’t make me feel broke until I get the certification. For instance, if I need to pay for things like the exam that’s $97, I don’t use the whole check for the exam fee. I save $50 this week. $50 next week. I split all bills I need to pay in half and storage cash when I can.

The bitch did not win. I am not as angry and I’m still doing well in school, going to learn the guitar, going to get certified and currently happily married.

I just have to stay on track and keep telling myself: the bitch did not win.

I’m winning.

This Job

May 27th, 2018

Today is my daughter’s birthday. Almost forgot about it being that I slept all day yesterday and today. It’s Sunday and there is so-called mandatory overtime.

There’s a couple of reasons I don’t foresee myself at this job past Monday or Tuesday:

1) It’s hard on my feet. I’m too young to grind my joints down for just being a guy that sweeps fucking floors.

2) My wife has no way of getting home from work while I have the car, forced to take Uber every night. That adds up and it’s bad enough we don’t have extra money. No, it won’t get any better if I quit — but when a job becomes expensive to GO to work, you have to start really doing the numbers. I didn’t even include the gas and more food I’m eating.

3) She has a job-sponsored event to go to Tuesday and Wednesday where she needs the car. I entertained taking the bus but after mapping it out via my usual mass transportation app, it will take me 4 hours by multiple buses and trains to get to a job that I’ll be on my feet for the next 8-10 hours after I get there. 

Call me a lazy American all you want, but that shit isn’t worth it. Plus I have to figure out where to get the bus cards and load it up with cash I don’t have.

4) The job hinted at giving me more jobs to do outside of sweeping. Picking actual orders and what not. My feelings on that is simple: I do not want any further responsibilities that will force me to stay past a time I want to leave. Typically, people at this job have been leaving at 4, 5 or sometimes 6am. Technically, they expect me to stay until the end of the shift — as of now — sweeping the floor.

I’ve been leaving at 1am. Maybe 2am because I was done and sticking around was a waste of time. You might say: fuck it. You’re getting paid. Why not stay the extra couple of hours?

So you’re suggesting I stay on my feet for 16 hours a night? Sweeping and mopping floors. Looking busy when there is, most times, nothing to do?

I need the money. I can’t deny that.

But, as you can agree, I also need my sanity and my sleep is connected to that.

45-minute drive to and from work. At 4am, I am serving on the road exhausted. I chose to leave at 1am to give me ample time to come home, shower, eat, sleep and be well rested for the next day. It’s balanced giving them the work they need and the sleep and rest I need. Keep this also in mind, this is supposed to be a 12 hour shift Monday through Friday. Most 12-hour shift jobs I know have three off – two on days alternating weeks. These dudes working this job are doing five days straight.

Let’s also be clear: they are riding around on electric pallet jacks. Less foot time, but they do lift a lot and have other responsibilities for picking orders. None of which I want to dig into at my pay rate.

Lastly, there’s ….

5) I start classes again this coming Wednesday. I had a week off (some sort of Summer break I guess) and my next two classes are focused on my major. 
Discovering Information Technology and Information Technology and Society.

They ‘sound’ easy stuff. Not so much trouble as, say Algebra coming up after these. But with my goal to not just do well but do OUTSTANDING (fuck Environmental Science and that instructor that fucked my GPA a little), do I have the energy to do this cornball maintenance job, take a four-hour bus ride and still concentrate on what i have to do for class? 

The argument can be made that it’s only two days and I have plenty of time to catch up on all the class stuff over the weekend — possibly.

But four hours is insane.

What I might do is tell them I’m not coming in Tuesday and Wednesday. Leave it like that.

I’m getting ready to go in today. If there’s more talk of me picking orders and doing more than mopping, I’ll consider it but it’s putting one of my feet out the door. You see, I want this job to be simple since it’s already taxing on body and expenses as it is.

That said, I’m reviewing my resume/job search game. I got this one, with a few calls from others, with a particular format that worked. The IT jobs I want, but not getting, are being overlooked by that ‘honest’ resume I had help with from AIU’s career center. As mentioned, lying and cheating works, I need the time to adapt the resume that works into the IT sector. 

It can’t be all lies and cheating because I am ACTIVELY in a major IT Bachelor’s Degree program. I just got to find a place that will take on students and talk up that part of my resume. I’ve seen IT jobs at 18.00 an hour doing things I know I can do even if I wasn’t in this degree program. Might I also add, stuff I can do that the degree program hasn’t touched on yet or even plan to.

I need to make this degree talk the talk these fuckers only want to hear.

This is the American way of working: paid more, less work. Working smart.

Illegal Pleasure

February 11th, 2018

I’ve been writing again. I’ve even gone as far as planned out a short animation project I shouldn’t be working on.

Why not?

Remember, this whole academic experiment started on the premise “If the stuff I love isn’t working, the stuff I don’t care about should make me a golden boy.”

Eight months in, I’ve proved my theory correct and the grades show it. You have to be looking at it from a conservative, conformist view to think that I must ‘love’ going to school. I do not love this. I’m going through the motions because I have to and it’s working out. I do not have a passion for this.

The things that I have a passion for failed. Failure after failure. The stuff I put my whole heart into. The stuff I cared about. Still kind of triggers me with unknown answers as to why.

So, with my eyes semi-closed, this ‘going for a bachelor’s degree’ is working out and that’s why I feel like a fraud. It’s not in my heart at all. Given the same amount of time and energy I’m putting into school, I would do the same for my animation or writing a book and would rather have the success of those things over a bachelors degree any day.

Now, thinking this through logically, what am I doing right in school work that I wasn’t in my creative pursuits?

Never mind, I already realized that the path to academic success is objectively graded while the creative work is not graded but reviewed subjectively. I can get an “A” in biology by just answering questions right and doing the assignments as I am supposed to do. No big deal. I find the only problem I would have in this linear path is if I choose not to do it. Or get lazy.

But in creative pursuits, I am at the whim of others who view my work. 

I can say this: the harshest reviewer of my own work has been me. I know I stopped projects before they gotten anywhere because I hated the quality. But what of the work I did finish and put out there? 

I have been the victim of just not enough money to market anything. Even the stuff with rave reviews will only get so far unless people know it’s out there.

I don’t keep anything on long enough to gather a fan base.

I don’t socialize enough to gather boundless ‘likes’.

Creative works and academic paths are two different animals and I see the whole school thing is just ‘easy’ provided you stay on it. 

Not easy to do in an actual school environment with all sorts of distractions. I probably wouldn’t have been doing as well as I am if I had to do this in a physical location. Looking at too much pussy guaranteed.

So how do I handle moving forward with my passions lying dormant?

I know, if I do anything, it can’t interfere with the existing path of the bachelors degree. Period. End of story.

Call what I’m about to do — a stress-free hobby.

Toastmasters Round II

January 18th 2018

So, I finally went. 

Stayed through the whole meeting, as a matter of fact.

Wasn’t a laborious task as I made it out to be. Walked over to the library, probably got caught on camera to a live news program in the process. There was a big city hall meeting happening in the connected auditorium to where Toastmasters was holding a meeting. FYI: they’ve been closing Walmarts in this area lately (Sams club and a local Walmart Market). 

Ironic, no?

Totally different topic that has nothing to do with me.

I got to the meeting a little early, was welcomed by the president very warmly. They even remembered me and was happy I came back. So, yes, I felt a little bit like a heel (old term. Look it up)

Though I didn’t speak, I planned to. I asked the president for my next steps since I’m starting over and she was happy to help. In return, they have an open house coming up and a few events and I said I would volunteer. 

I promise to not be a dick and actually show up.

In other news, I’ve started the official LSAT private study process. 

Last year, it was skimming through and getting a feel for the test. This year, for a few hours scheduled each week, I’m focusing on how the methodology of each part of the test and taking practice versions weekly to get my head into the game. 

To do this, I’ve plucked every LSAT study book from the library and whatever I can find online for free. I cannot afford the $2,000 study courses available out there.

The logic games can jumble up my mind quite a bit but I’ve done well WITHOUT understanding how they work; I can do even better once I read up on everything I can.

Regular school work is still on track. No issues. GPA stable at 4.0. Fucking amazing. I’ve never done this well before. I’m looking up law schools (Emory Law, for instance.) They require a 165 LSAT score and a 3.75 GPA. All I have to do is keep this steady for two years more. This is why I’m studying the LSAT early — regularly. Magic number I’m shooting for is 170 (180 is the top).

I’ve been taking advantage of all the university’s resources for resume analysis, job interviewing performance, career management, etc. Combined with my recent hunt for jobs in IT (mostly quantifiable tech support positions), I plan to have a job by late January — definitely in February. We’re having car issues so I’ll be on the bus/train this time around. The glory about this job hunt is that it makes sense with my degree. I did apply to some random Warehouse job recently and I have to stop that. I mean, I need to work. I really do — but I need to cut that ‘any job’ mentality and just try harder for ‘related’ jobs.

I’m not that same old guy anymore. I’m a goddamn college student going for a bachelors, studying to go to law school with bigger plans than to put a fucking box on a shelf.

As long as I keep that fire active, these will be the last days of aimless pursuits.

THAT is why this journal exists. Cause if “I” can evolve, I’m sure someone else needing to change (but having a hard time) can read this and be encouraged.

The Career Coach

January 4th, 2018

One of the advantages of any university are the ancillary departments to help the budding student progress. AIU offers a ‘career coach’ — someone who can help get your resume, your employment connected to your degree and generally your whole career outlook straight. No, they can’t guarantee a job, but with me wanting to stop working ‘any-old-job’ and get something closer to the new degree program (information technology), I thought this was the best path to take. 

After watching the career archive videos they offered and finding out who my specific career coach was (I had one un-utilized until now), I wrote the following letter:

###

Happy
New Year. I am a current student in AIU’s Bachelor’s
degree program in Criminal Justice. However, I recently switched to
Information Technology (specializing in Digital Investigations) and that
process is happening within the next few weeks. 

I understand you will be out
of the office until the January 5th. I thought I would submit my resume
and give you a little background about myself to get the process
rolling. I’ll be as brief as possible. 

First, the reason for the
degree program switch was an economical strategy. I am interested in
going to law school at the end of this academic journey, and I
originally signed up for Criminal Justice to get my feet
wet in a pre-law scenario (AIU doesn’t have pre-law classes). However,
after digging deep through the Advanced Career program I’m in here
(Prof001/002), it helped me come to the conclusion I can still get into a
good law school as long as my grades are solid.

But let’s say I don’t go. A
criminal justice degree will not serve me well as I have no interest in
being a cop, correctional employee or security guard. Information
Technology/Digital Investigations has a higher income
median and I can do/enjoy the work. Call it a safety measure. 

All that being my future plans, let me explain the miserable current reality:

Up until I started this degree program, I had no defined career, nor
employment related to a career that I wanted. Mostly odd jobs, retail
and a few opportunities at management (in retail). When I started the
degree program, I was working at Walmart as a department
manager for only a few short months. I was let go recently (December
27th 2017). As of this writing, I am unemployed.

The thing is, I do not want
just ‘any’ job that will hire me anymore. I want to start working in a
field in harmony with my degree program. Even if it means working my way
up. The problem I foresee is I don’t have
enough recent experience in IT to get anything. I had some experience
way in the past but I barely remember the companies and the details.
Right now, I feel I am at the best place in my life to start from square
one to get my career right with your help.

Attached is my resume. The jobs are real but the dates are wrong. In
order to fill in gaps of work history, I extended them to seem
consistent. I can’t remember the actual dates. Most were quite short.
I’m also tired of ‘fudging’ my resume on each job and want
to start over with a transparent, real quality resume.

My work history is a mess. I
know it. A true resume would be 10 pages long. I’m hoping to start over
with the work I’m putting into my academic pursuits.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking to you soon

###

I gave her the best possible full details so we can start of swinging. I’ll report details when she gets back in the office.

Meanwhile, even though I’m home, I have been productive. I started working on my wife’s website for her soap making business. I think she’s going to do very well provided she makes it a priority. I find she makes it a ‘sometimes’ second priority. I shouldn’t talk. I have a history of making anything else second priority against the ‘project of the month’. That’s what makes this unemployment kind of odd to me: I made the job my priority. I did what I believed was right for the company.

Not to harp on that again, I’m just saying the next time around will be the same quality attention to work detail but to a job that fits the career and that’s what I’m hoping the coach will help me lock down. The wait a few days doesn’t bother me.

What bothers me is my son’s birthday is coming up and I have no money to get him anything. He’s graduating high school this year and I haven’t a clue, at this moment, how to get him anything he might want. Like his first car. I would love to get them for him.

It’s a slippery slope — these thoughts of what I ‘can’t’ do — that leads to depression. Especially when I’m not working. I hate to say “I have to stop thinking about what I can’t do for my children’ in order to stay grounded, but I have to kind of ‘ignore’ them, if that makes any sense. Not necessarily ‘them’…not necessarily their ‘needs’ because he doesn’t particularly ‘need’ anything for his birthday. Or ‘need’ a car. Well, they do. Albany GA is a rural butthole and his mother still doesn’t drive. After almost 15 years or so.

Look, the perspective is set: Keep moving forward with great grades. Shift to the new degree program. Cycle into whatever you can to help prepare for the LSAT. Still pursue work closer to the degree program. Even if it means interning. Volunteer for the Southern Poverty Law Center to keep close and connected. The end will justify, and adjust, everything else.

Academic Update

November 22nd 2017

I bitch so much about Walmart, I don’t really cover what’s going on with my grades/school.

When I last spoke about that robbery getting a B- in that class, in the OTHER class I’m taking, ENG107, I got a B+ for some little shit I don’t remember but I know I deserved it. No need to fight over it.

I’m still at 4.0 GPA.

The problem is the details required are anal as hell. There are very specific ways you are supposed to cite/reference in APA format and it sucks maximum ass.Ask me if I will be citing and referencing 3 ½ years from now?

Possibly…if I intend to go to law school.

This is where I’m at these days. With my absolute resolve hating Walmart, I need to make sure I planted firmer ground in the ‘real’ career choice. I spoke a great deal about law in the beginning. My issue is the reality that I hate, HATE working with people — all people. Any human being.

So how do I get that to change? How do I find ways not to be annoyed by sheer stupidity of the average person? 

If you’re reading this, your saying: “you can’t. Deal with it.”

I’m saying “I must find a way.” Even now, the ENG107 teacher recommended I work with a fellow student on an assignment. My initial and current feelings on that are “bullshit. Never gonna happen.”

Sooner or later, there’s going to be a group project. I swear to God, I do not look forward to that day. How I usually handle group ‘anything’ is to just sit back and watch the comedy of group implosion. I don’t offer suggestions and just follow whomever is left when the dust settles.

I fair better as a leader of a group—-but I don’t field suggestions. Nothing is up for debate. Shut the fuck up and we’re going this way to finish the project. Any suggestions are heard but we’re on a path to a goal and there’s little time for debate. In fact, no time.

I can relate to why dictatorship works. People are assholes and you’ll get nothing done with a committee.

I’ve been wondering ‘what am I going to do’ in this life if I can’t manage working with another person. How can I possibly move forward?

What’s that? Open my own business? Tried that. For me, didn’t work.

Huh? Things are different now that I’m an educated negro now getting a bachelor’s degree? A bachelor’s degree in criminal justice could get me into a private investigators role and I could conceivably work for myself?

These are the thoughts that I’m dealing with lately. Attempting to answer an undefined future.

I have always had a gravitation toward finding missing people. Maybe even a talent for it. Like archery — who knew I was good till I tried it. Same with finding missing people. Long story. Another time.

So, with the bachelor’s degree, I can obtain a private investigators license. Do I want to track cheating spouses? No. Not interested. I do want to find missing people because I can. Not sure how the financial outlook is for that kind of work, though.

Law School still makes sense because it’s clearly defined. That’s why its not off the table yet. Having both a PI license and a law degree sounds splendid, in my opinion. I could get  law degree, get paid sufficiently and find a private hole in the wall to do administrative work that doesn’t allow me to interact with too many people — while searching for people as my other job. Being a defense attorney isn’t my first passion. Helping civil rights issues, even just administratively—-or hunting down people to help for the case— sounds reasonable.

It’s all frustrating. I feel like that kid trying to come up with ‘what I want to do when I grow up.’ It’s a shame….I haven’t grown up yet.