Overall – A Good Week

I slapped a Google Analytics snippet on this blog to see if there are any visits or clicks and for the past week, zero. As of this date: 9/29/2017, there is no one reading my journal.

On one hand, it’s refreshing to post a journal online with complete anonymity to say as I please without direct confrontation for the thoughts and feelings I have at the moment of writing. Cause, looking back, I know I’ve said some shit.

No, there is no other hand to this story. I’d rather be free to express myself and write without getting feedback. What am I looking for? Attention? Am I that narcissist; typical of everyone else online — posting for shock value? What is the purpose of this journal if not for someone to read?

The purpose of this journal is a play-by-play journey of one man’s re-invention so others, who may have felt like me, can understand change can happen regardless of the vile thoughts and feelings one may have.

I think a lot of people lie to themselves in order to look clean in front of the masses. Especially when it comes to online presentations. For instance, if I posted that I beat the crap (literally) out of my cat and ditched him in some bushes, the online outrage could carry over into news articles! Seriously. The news gives paragraph space to small subjects just for viral sociability.

That would be terribly distracting to the purpose of this journal. At the same time, writing by hand, in a book, doesn’t allow others to see.

See what? That this man is, indeed, changing. Not necessarily in the interests of cat-lovers, but for the record, when I took Lando out of the car, he was alive and ran into the bushes. I had a dream last night that he found his way home. I certainly hope he doesn’t.

The changes are happening in my interactions with people and with adjusting to my responsibilities. College growth. Work growth. Stabilizing my often-slipping sanity. Those sort of things. Not needing Lexipro as often as I thought.

What I need to do next is round everything off with a better diet. I’ve been exploring a plant-based diet after watching “Forks over Knives” and other Netflix vegetarian programs.

I’m in-between meetings to the next toastmasters. I’ve warmed up to the feeling of getting a mentor and actually participating. I see the advantages of the experience.

Moving on, I met with the associates in my department (LaTonya and Murdock). Murdock seems like a typical-Jamaican asshole that will challenge anything. His every word, if any, is the sound of defiance. Every time I look up, he’s not where he’s supposed to be. LaTonya is cool but something about her is deceptive. Elusive. Smiling in my face, but she makes me uneasy. She does work, though.

So how do I handle having my own employees that I can’t 100% trust? I did the group meeting thing and advised of expectations. Sorta. The company has their own eval process that I’ll simply follow and leave it like that. Both associates do not work during the morning and I usually catch them on my way out.

I’ll be honest, unless they gave me a feeling of absolute compliance, I feel uncomfortable of the impending confrontations. In the past, I’ve always had to be in some sort of confrontation role with my own people. Black people, Jamaicans in particular, are assholes. Lazy fucks that don’t want to do shit and constantly throw their own people under the bus. It’s no wonder white people hate us.

Knowing this, what is this ‘reinvented man’ going to do? Fight…again? Get fired for fighting or saying something slick because the lazy fuck niggers I’m working with are assholes? Say nothing and look like a sucker-ass for not leading them?

Witness the ‘other’ nature of this journal. A place to think, vent and see my own words to make adjustments. You see, you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t hide your feelings or words. At the same time, you can’t let the people you’re referring to see or hear your words. This is just for ‘you’…so you can and ‘think’.

So, no. Going about my work day calling out the associates as Assholes won’t work.

I’ll play it by the numbers. Follow the corporate ready evaluation process and work with the associates and constantly imply that expectations needed to met in order for all of us to do our jobs efficiently. Follow the set Walmart eval plan, conduct them honorably and truthfully — let the slackers weed themselves out.

Keeping my personal thoughts to my journal. There is scripture: “It’s not what goes into the man that offends him. It’s what comes out.” The things I say openly can offend, not only them, but myself as well. I need to be a shining picture of grace as I move through this job.

That said, I had to hide a bunch of merchandise in my backroom. Stuff I had no time to work on and they didn’t want it on the sales floor. Like broken toys that need UPC codes. Shit I want to throw out but, of course, that won’t do. I just didn’t have the time. Hopefully, no one will find it and I’ll be able to work undisturbed. I’m going in early Saturday to handle that.

I just responded to the Toastmasters email(s) and requested a mentor. The next meeting is October 3rd. I have make sure I am mentally adjusted for this…particularly right after work. Come to think of it, I don’t even have any clothes to wear. That’s another re-invention topic.

One Down. One to Go

Finally got rid of that damn cat Lando. I’ve taken all I could of it’s shitting and taking over the apartment. At first, I tried to put it in a cage but it got through the holes and escaped. So I was done. Threw it in the car, drove as far as I had time to drive, and dumped it in the bushes.

Some say it will find its way home. Hopefully I brained the fucking thing enough to get the hint its not wanted here. Fucking cats. Never again. Now I have to buy a new broom. More importantly, get a refund on the cage I bought.

Leila is the last one. If it doesn’t respect boundaries, it’ll go too.

The apartment is already starting to smell better down one cat.

Catch up

The date is September 23rd 2017.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because I’ve realized that Tumblr doesn’t automatically post a date and time of postings. I’ve been posting in my journal since July 2017 and, without dates, it’s hard to explain the change of seasons. Both figuratively and literally.

If you search around, you can find ways to add a timestamp to the HTML code. One of the things I would do, in the past, is divert my attention from the work at hand to fiddle around with HTML and coding that is outside of my immediate scope. I have ZERO interest in understanding extra code just for a service to do something basic as add a date to journal postings. Ridiculous.

The most I did was add a Google Analytics ID.

The reason I need to mention the date is because it’s my wife’s birthday. Donna turns 49. I turn 49 in November. I don’t celebrate my birthday and I could careless about other birthdays as well.

The problem is, I know it means a lot to ‘other’ people. I just feel forced and obligated to buy something when, often times, I don’t have the money anyway.

That’s the biggest issue I have with birthdays. September is a rough month because I’m obligated to a bunch of people: Donna, Tiffany (my daughter), my mother and, of course, Doreen. Don’t ask. Find the handwritten journals of my youth to get that story.

I hate birthdays. Especially my own. I was hoping that I would grow into something less hateful in that ‘that’ regard, but it still stays the same. The obligation to ‘do’ for others on one day is enormous. Be sure to send a card. be sure to buy a gift. Be sure to recognize they were born this day. Have a party. Do, do, do, do, do.

For me, it’s another year older that I didn’t accomplish what I wanted. What I was ‘supposed’ to be.

Now, things are different this year. The accomplishments are racking up splendidly. But it’s different. Do you understand that NONE of the things that I am accomplishing this year is part of who I wanted to be in the first place?

So here I am in a position of complaining about the ‘good things’ that are happening in my life. I’m an ungrateful bastard. Truth is, I can take the accomplishments and blessings I have been receiving as of late and spin them toward a film career later; having grown and learned to command the things I work on and the people around me.

Maybe I will start enjoying birthdays, as a result. We’ll see come November 7th.

Side note: I hate cats. I really do.

We have two cats: Lando and Laila. Lando started out a fine, friendly kitten to play with. Now he’s just being an asshole and I look forward to getting rid of them both.

Laila was always stupid and I almost broke her leg once. Looking forward to wringing her neck sooner or later. As for Lando, he’s always looking for attention and constantly a victim to fleas when he doesn’t go outside! The apartment is seemingly clear and free of the pests. Leila is free of fleas so I just don’t know what the fuck is going on.

So, today, the fuck pee’d on Donna’s side of the bed….no reason. Donna said she looked it up and it means the cat is sick. The fuck I care. These fucking animals do nothing but eat, shit and knock shit over. Have a pen and paper on a shelf, they will find a reason to knock it on the floor.

Donna loves them. She’s in my way of ridding my life of these fucks.

I had enough. They scratch all the furniture but she won’t have them declawed. The peeing on the bed was the last straw for me. Sooner than later, I’m going to take that cat for a long ride and dump him in the forest to get lost. I’m tired of closing doors and blocking the blinds from them bending them to look out a fucking window. Cats are pointless and they got to go.