Tightrope

December 24th 2017

Did not get a write-up at Walmart. Walked in Thursday, worked Friday and Saturday — no sit downs. No ‘come to the office’ Nothing. I think it was because I ‘did’ tell a supervisor I was leaving (even though they considered him a low ranking supervisor). Well played on my part.

So, my schedule was 7-4 on Saturday. I’m off today (Sunday). You know I hate working full shifts on a Saturday. The zoo is in full swing.

And you might also want to know they (management) don’t want me to come in early anymore. I was coming to work at 3AM, leaving at noon to avoid the scum. They wanted me to stop doing that in order to have me around for the full shift when they are there.

Now, when I left Friday at 4pm, the shelves were practically empty. The people that come to this store — maybe all Walmart’s — are in this scavenger mode. I’m at this point where I can put ANY toy out and watch it vanish from the shelves. Last minute buyers are insane.

To be honest, the problem is what I mentioned earlier: adults feeling they need to buy a child in their family a ‘gift’, all look like they are laboring to do so. I watch these fools come through the department all day —- looking like they would rather not spend the money or play that ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ business. Today. In the world of internet access. You’re going to tell me you don’t know what the fuck you’re looking for? You certainly know how to jump on Facebook or twitter or find what store has your damn Jordan’s at.

The majority of adults shopping for children hate doing it and when they do buy something, it’s usually not what the kid wanted because they didn’t try to put any effort into it. Then you know what happens next: returns. Lots and lots of returns.

So, back to what happened …

With the shelves empty on Friday, and I know I have plenty of toys in the back room, and I know the overnight crew is NEVER efficient enough to put out the amount of toys I need them to do, I listened to my conscience and got there at 12:30AM to stock out as many toys as possible and help with the 12-shopping carts of returns.

Fuck ‘em. it’s my department. I do as I see fit.

So, I’m expected to leave at 10AM. They (management) is coming at me at 9AM wondering why I came in early.

It’s fucking two days before Christmas. Why the FUCK wouldn’t I? Especially if I’m off on Sunday and not coming in to do the freight.

Maybe, when I’m long gone, I hope someone from Walmart reads this and holds some sort of sympathy for a worker that gave a damn. Ha! Unlikely.

The upside: I cleared 8 of my bins in the backroom. The official bins, not the bins they randomly shoved toys into.

If they have any common sense, they’ll have all the toys taken out of the excess bins and off the pallets and onto the shelves last night. That should have been the focus for the past three nights but what the fuck do I know?

This is why I titled this entry ‘tightrope’. I’m playing a dangerous game with Walmart. Testing their authority against the right thing to do. If I DIDN’T come in, they wouldn’t have had toys on the shelf. Well, it’s not like I filled it ‘all’ … I’m just saying they wouldn’t have had as much as they did because I put out a lot of toys. Yes, ‘a lot is quantifiable.’

The problem with NOT talking about Walmart is, at this time, it’s the only job I have. School is on Christmas break until Wednesday. Walmart has dominated my life until whatever the future holds with this Bachelor’s degree. At the moment, it’s all I have.

By the way, the academic adviser never got back to me about changing majors. I probably missed her before she went on the break. Wednesday, my second class on Criminal Justice begins and I’m just wondering if it’s too late for me to make the switch to Digital Investigations. We’ll see.

Yesterday, I hired a local maid service to come through and clean the place. In the previous marriage, at the house I once lived in, we used a rent-able maid service almost on a weekly basis. At first, I was uncomfortable with it. After a few weeks, I was spoiled with it.

I guess that’s the reason I’m trying to have some understanding for my wife right now. She didn’t look comfortable with having people over cleaning her place.

So, one might suggest if your uncomfortable with people cleaning your place — why not clean it yourself. Save the money. Her cleaning aptitude — or maybe even her will to want to clean — is on the low end of the spectrum.

Me? I don’t mind cleaning, but the more I’m working and studying, the less I have the energy to do anything else. Same for her. I especially wanted the place cleaned for when the kids get here.

They did a great job. Mostly wiped down, vacuumed and tightened up the joint. Go into the corners of the bathroom we often overlook. Made it semi-showroom ready for guests. Even the bathroom towels and toilet paper were folded in hotel style corners. That was a sweet touch. I’ll call them back in a few weeks. Maybe once a month, you know?

So yes. I’m in a lifestyle shift where I’m hiring people to clean my place, making Christmas happen for the kids (each of them have a gift including my wife this year), everyone has medical insurance. I have money in the bank and in my pocket. I have 401(k) still at Apple and at Walmart. I’m happy (today) with a solid academic track record. Should I be fucking with Walmart’s authority if, indeed, half of my happy life is based on Walmart’s payroll?

It’s a leap of faith for me to say ‘my happy life is based on ME and changes I made’ … particularly when ‘me’ doesn’t pay ‘me’ $15.00/hr. Am I happy because I have money or because I’m improving my life?

Well, let’s break it down and tally the score based on HAVE MONEY/IMPROVED LIFE:

School was paid for 100% by federal loans. Not ONE dime out of pocket — to which I am grateful. If I had to pay out of pocket, I wouldn’t have been able to go. (Have Money)

I purposely made sure I paid off whatever previous payments in order for me to successful get the federal loans to go back to school. If I didn’t willingly focus on paying those off, I wouldn’t have been able to get the federal loans. (Improved Life)

My credit score went up TEN POINTS this month. (Improved Life)

I had the money to make payments to past bills to get my score to start rising. (Have Money)

I’m more than likely going to graduate in 2020 (Improved life)

My children are covered medically (Improved life) (Have money)

The more I look at this list, the reality is showing it’s not really the old saying “Money can’t bring you happiness.” Money and life improvement/happiness is a symbiosis cycle. One lives off of and reacts to the other.

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and always looking over my shoulder all the time (stressed), buying expensive cars, but needing to carry a gun at all times. It’s what I do to make money and how I use it.

I can have money, working at Walmart making $15/hr, dealing with asshole customers and management (stressed) and focused on dong the best for my family, paying off bills; and be happy.

or …

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and look out for my community and my family. Keeping a low key lifestyle and doing what’s right for others with the money I make. Very cautious and paranoid, but happy.

I can have money working at Walmart, spending my money on things other than my family or drinking it away. Always in debt and behind in my rent and other bills.

There is no right or wrong. If I had the tolerance to duck and dodge the federal government, law enforcement and people that wanted to steal my money, I’d be a drug dealer in a heartbeat. Still spending the money on improving my family without expensive cars. Well, no. I’d buy a corvette or a Tesla. Why? Cause I can imagine the stress of living daily with the assumption of getting killed or going to prison the next day is a ‘get it now before it’s too late’ kind of lifestyle.

At my age, I’m doing the right thing right now.

I just need to tweek it a bit. Somehow, more money would be nice. over the next few years while going back to school — without trying to be a drug dealer, thank you.

OH YES! Almost forgot. I started writing a script for a 30-page short film. For who? For me. After seeing ‘The Last Jedi’, which I was very disappointed in, the feeling I got was … I need to do a film of my own. So, I started writing something based on older characters I wrote about before. Something I can contain in limited locations and expense. The idea is I will start building film-making equipment and look to do something in the spring.

Where did that come from, right? I thought I abandoned film-making in favor of a serendipitous (holy shit! I spelled that right on the first go!) lifestyle through academic means. Well, like I said before — I’m doing so well in school, I feel I can get ANYTHING done.

That Social-Thing Again

December 14th 2017

So, I went to the observation class … and you guessed it … that churning annoyance overwhelmed me: Do I really want to be in an environment with other people? Least of all, being touched by another person. Cause, without a doubt, if you’re going to learn a martial art, it’s a contact sport and like Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

My personal “punch in the face” is the reality that I don’t want to be around anyone. Also, I see I have an anger that isn’t appropriate for ‘sparring’. Which is why I never liked play fighting while growing up. A rage thing that understands the only reason to fight someone is to hospitalize the opponent. People with better control are apt to sparring and play fighting better than I could.

So that defeats my desires to study a martial art and I was fairly upset about it last night. I sat there cringing: the idea of needing to “pair up” with a partner … practice forms — “team up” and “work with your partner” … vile concepts that made me want to throw up.

Yeah. That’s the POINT of studying a martial art. You can’t study alone in some mountain top without knowing the feeling of throwing an opponent. You need to adapt your body to randomness of power, weight and motion of another human being.

All of which repulsed me. More than I expected. I mean, come on. I did it before. I took Aikido, Karate, Judo, etc, etc over my lifetime — regardless of how brief. But then again, this might have explained my lack of interest back then. I LOVE the concept of martial arts. The beauty of the styles and concepts.

I hate the people. Any people.

Perhaps I couldn’t identify it when I was younger. But here I am, a crotchety old and getting older man and it’s worse than ever. There’s an inner me that is screaming that I want to “join” and “be part of” with others — in marital arts. At Toastmasters.

But when I show up, I get hives. Self conscious. Fear about how I look or what I said wrong.Then I spend days later replaying every wrong thing I said or analyzing what someone may have said to me. Like a constantly damning recording of my own blooper reel.

And then it all translates to ‘hate’ of being around people.

Even if nothing happened in reality. Somehow, my mind makes a mountain out of a molehill. I know this. I can’t help it. So, that was the prime reason to study a martial art as well: control of all of this shit.

But if GOING to a dojo brings anxiety alone … then what the fuck??? How the hell will I get anything done?

You know, while I sat there at the observation class, the instructor, who apparently was taught by the guy who was taught by Bruce Lee, talked about Bruce’s style and such. I was thinking about why I couldn’t find one solid Wing Chun instructor — high in a mountain — that I could call master for three-five years, then come back from this mountain with a whole new skill set.

Knowing me, if said mountain top instructor decided to take on a second student, I’d quit. The fuck am I going to do?

On other notes, this has generally been a good week. Money was tight going into Christmas so I cashed in on an old 410(k) plan I had with Apple. I left a size-able amount there, but I took, like $1,000 out ($700.00 after all the fucking taxes and fees) plus cashed out the Walmart stock I had. Each pay period it deposits more anyway so I needed the money to get things for the holidays. If I didn’t do it when I did it, we would have had some financial issues here.

Even bought us a Christmas tree. I mean, we get one every year. This year was a little different. We did a really classic thing yesterday: cut our own tree. I impressed my wife with my outdoors man skills lol. A nice 7-footer and really full.

This tree kind of symbolizes how I have been feeling much of this year. Without counting my erratic hate for people, my life this year has been full, well founded and lit up. With presents about to be placed. Some would say, equally, ‘cut down, destined to die and shedding’ …. I choose to look at the upside of the tree/life symbol.

Got us a much needed couch/sleeper so when my kids get here, they aren’t subjected to the damn air mattresses again. It should be here by Tuesday.

This will be my first Christmas that I actually bought my kids things. All others was paid for my wives past and I hated that dependency. Still, as much as I want to get things for them, I’m trying to create a balance where, after the holidays, I’ll have some money in reserve. It’s almost impossible.

But, I’m still working. Even as close to the edge I am of quitting or getting fired, I’m still working and coming up on six months at Walmart in January.

How’s school? The same: 4.0 GPA. All assignments in on time and written with extensive efforts. I’m in the last week of this term for English 107 and Presentations 111. The next class starts late December after a few days Christmas break. I think I saw it was “Careers in Criminal Justice” and something else. Forgot what it was. What I do know: a “Math” class is on the near horizon and this is where we start seeing my grades plummet.

Actually, that’s not a fair assessment. I’ve been doing gangbusters these past months and I refuse to let it change.Just that Math and I have been bitter enemies for eons.

Aside from that, it’s fucking odd how going back to school has been a breeze. Sounds cocky, I know. Math is coming. It’ll put me back in perspective. Another form of being “hit in the face”, per se.

Rough Days

November 30th 2017

I usually don’t like the holidays. These days, being in retail, it’s the worst. Customers, or at least from this area of Georgia, are living breathing assholes that don’t give a fuck. Imagine leaving a full cart of chicken in a shopping cart (buggy, depending on what side of the swam south you’re from)…in the toy aisle. That’s across the store only to leave it there. Fucking animals.

On other notes, I let my mother know I achieved dean’s list and she sounded genuinely proud of me. I can’t understand why I’m cautious with her. Past hurt I guess. I’ll take her on her word.

My wife is home so I feel better than I did the other weekend. Odd how I let her absence bother me so.

I started the first steps of building that website to help find missing people. I think I titled the site appropriately. I have the domain name and I’m sketching out how I’m posting and adding data to the site with contributions down the line.

In order to ignore the shit storm that is Walmart, I really need to get my head wrapped around success at my school work and the idea of being a private investigator/lawyer. I go to work pissed knowing I can’t accomplish anything there. Why should I even be concerned with that damn job?

Need the money. Need the insurance.

I can get those things in a better career. Until I can make headway, I’m just biding my time.

But I do have to give the job the best I can while I’m there, and it turns out that even that is cockblocked by poor, confused upper management.

I considered writing my regional manager for the store a paper. Something to the effect: “The problem with our store and how to fix it”. I’d send it anonymously.

Would it matter? Why would I take the time to write that when I have papers in school to finish. Fuck Walmart, right?

Always a thin line between saying ‘fuck the job you’re at’ and ‘needing to do a good job to keep it’. I’ve never been that good at doing a basic job. Others seemed to master it: just showing up. Doing just enough.

Christmas is coming. I get to have some of my kids with me for the holidays. That’s always special to me. This year I’ll actually have money to get them something for Christmas.

To that end alone: I am grateful for being at Walmart.