No Way To Live

April 16th, 2018

How do I even begin?

I signed up for this “no pay” school to study Computer Science. It’s one of those current “Study now and when you get a job, we’ll deduct your tuition later” things. LambdaSchool to be exact.

Basically, you spend time doing the online course as a preliminary, you schedule an interview to see if they want you in the course and they make a decision.

So I get the phone call for the interview. The first thing she wants to know if I plan to put AIU on hold in favor of doing the six-month course with LambdaSchool.

I said “No”, but I plan to succeed as I am currently with AIU.

First thing out of her mouth is, “I don’t think you can do both LambdaSchool and AIU at the same time.”

I tell her the time at AIU is flexible, which it is and compare her asking me to quit AIU to asking me to quit a full-time job. My current situation allows me a lot of time and no matter what schedule she gives me, I can accomplish both.

She wasn’t hearing me, telling me it was impossible. Meanwhile, if I had a job, I wouldn’t technically have time for any of it, but would you ask me to quit my job?

In the end, she said she’ll submit it to admissions and give a decision later. which really means she will deny me. Before we hung up, I asked her not to swing the vote by her feelings on the matter — that not everyone works the same way. She claims no one who is the program is also going to a fulltime school. I suggested maybe they lied.

Anyway, I expect to be declined. If I’m accepted, it will be because someone might call her out on her assholism and it already left a bad taste in my mouth and I’m likely to decline them.

This is exactly why the earliest part of my life was spent learning things on my own. or why I stopped trying to submit my writing to agents. Dealing with gatekeeping fuckers burns me every time. Every. Fucking. Time. I don’t sell myself well because I strip ANY resemblance of begging the next person to “choose me”. Here are my qualifications. If you don’t like them … move on.

This is yet another example of my hate for begging. You know that bitch is going to slant her opinion to the decision, without knowing me. What she does know of me now has I rejected her assessment.

The whole purpose of going to this extra programming course was to achieve a certificate in computer science and get job placement sooner than the three years it will take to get a bachelors from AIU.

I’m mad.

I’m mad that I allowed myself to think the playing field would be fair.

I have MONUMENTAL amounts of free time to probably work two jobs if I can find them PLUS continue to maintain the current GPA. Even with the ONE I had, I still did well and that was full time.

So fine, I’m not working right now, so I have time to take this course and this bitch is telling me It’s impossible? Impossible for her so it must be impossible for me.

This experience is yet another “hating people” moment brought to you by assholes you have to beg for things from. I’m struggling with the concept of dealing with Assholes. I just can’t live that way … nor can I live THIS way unable to deal with people.

This is what I have to look forward to going back to work? Only to get fired because I have to tell someone I can do the work when THEY think I can’t? Or get fired from a job because I call them out on being assholes? Or allow people to just talk or say anything they want in order to keep a job?

Oh, and fucking guess what I just got in the email. I mean, exactly right now. Like God was soothing me for going through this hassle with a cunt. This is my second one. Look at what’s deemed impossible. Fuck Lambda School. I’ll be fine without them.

Refocused-Realigned

December 20th 2017

If you count Monday, I’ve stayed home from Walmart three days and it’s been refreshing. Like I shed my dirty skin of that place and got back to basics.

My finals are coming back for the two classes I had this term and I got an “A” for PRES111 and I’m anticipating an “A” for ENG107. I honestly think I’ve lined myself up for another Dean’s List and I’m extremely excited about that.

You see, these are the things that matter most. Yes, I’m taking a hit in the wallet for taking these days off. But what I am gaining: perspective, is worth a million dollars. Could I have gained this peace and perspective while at work?

No. I haven’t reached that zen Buddhist level of peace under fire.

And under fire I certainly was.

Everything I do there seems unappreciated and challenged. So to come home and do what’s important to me successfully truly underscores Walmart’s loss is my gain. Time and time again, I wanted to give this place my all and upper management ego gets in the way.

I also ‘get’ why academia is important to the soul. Something I never understood before. Passing grades and success in school is treated like a score card. Like having lots of money is a score card. People think and treat you in a way befitting what your academic/financial success tells them.

You also treat YOURSELF better.

Never mind, as I have said before, that you may be good at what you do WITHOUT a degree. The professional acknowledgement of your skills is better than acknowledging to yourself alone. It doesn’t even help with the self-esteem.

Getting honors at school sets the record in your own spirit that you do know what the fuck you are doing—if at least in academia—so the flaws or conflicts you have in other things don’t come off so harshly.

I swore I was doing a good job at Walmart as a department manager. Upper management makes me feel I am not doing a good job. Self-confidence I’m building academically is telling me I can challenge their assessment whereas before, when nothing else was working out in life for me, my confidence level was lower than dirt.

Walmart is just a fucking job and I need to treat it as such.

What I do need to do is roll over that confidence to other things: writing, law school, another job.

These past few days have bolstered my energy levels and reminded me I’m better than Walmart and it’s management. Well, let me rephrase. Not ‘better’, but just on a different path that conflicts with Walmart’s ego culture.

I believe I’ll be walking into Walmart tomorrow to get written up (Coached) for leaving Monday. Like I said, I did tell a supervisor but they’ll try to weave that into a ‘thing’. I’m prepared to go there without worrying about it.

Might even do some overtime to get more money out of that place. I’m on winter break with my studies. All is moving smoothly.

OH! I never mentioned, a week or so ago, I got an email from the Southern Poverty Law Center and it’s volunteer department. The idea was to volunteer with the group so I can get closer to the workings of practicing law. Make a connections.

So yes, of course, I never responded back. That’s my to do right after I post this. I have to fight this anti-social thing. It’s practically a ‘vice’.

Update:

I had a chance to speak to my cousin. He’s a cool source of inspiration. We spoke about the possibility of me changing majors. He thought a criminal justice could only go so far. I’ve been feeling that as well. It’s mostly for a glorified security guards.

Not far from the same work is something of interest to me:
Bachelor of Science in Information Technology degree with a specialization in Digital Investigations.

Still investigations but focused on IT, which is a more in demand field each passing year. This way, before and during law school, this degree would do something more for me than criminal justice.

Dean’s List

October 27th, 2017

I made the dean’s list for the first quarter of my classes.

I’m crying. I never made anyone’s list before.

I want to tell the world but they’ll think it’s no big deal.

To me, it’s a big deal. A huge deal. Life changing big deal. This is what my email said:

Dear Student,

Congratulations! We are excited to inform you that you have made the Dean’s List for this quarter.

One of the most satisfying responsibilities we have at American InterContinental University is to acknowledge and honor our high achieving students who accomplish and maintain excellence in their studies. Making the Dean’s List is a great accomplishment, which not only indicates your level of scholarship, but your commitment to your studies as well as to your future.

We congratulate you! Take a moment to feel proud of yourself; you’ve earned it. To mark your accomplishment, we’ve attached a Dean’s List certificate. Additionally, please share and celebrate your achievement with your friends and family by posting the attached recognition badge on Facebook or your other social networks.

On behalf of AIU’s faculty and staff, we also wish to say, “Thank you.” Your success and dedication is a positive reflection on AIU.

Warm Regards,

Student Affairs Management Team, American Intercontinental University

There is a PDF of the official dean’s list certificate also.

I’m proud of myself. I didn’t quit. I didn’t get frustrated. I didn’t get depressed. I actually succeeded.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m sticking to the plan even more than ever. The plan is working and I am so happy.