Tag: depression

Not Quite Depressed

December 17th 2017

It’s my day off and I still feel fatigued. I slept a little, did a little homework, some around-the-house stuff (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc). Nothing strenuous. I would have thought taken a nap would have helped.

But I’m feeling strangely exhausted. A little rudderless, too.

It’s a typical couple of feelings I would get when depression was setting in. Just annoyed with everything but not wanting to do anything — feeling that anything I am doing is worthless time wasting. By this description alone, it would seem I am consistently depressed—and I may well be.

I’m feeling I have to force myself to do just about anything otherwise I would be sleeping all day. I must be doing better than I used to: at least I CAN force myself to get things done. Full blown depression had me, in the past, doing zero things and laying under the covers all day into the next.

What’s going on isn’t exactly that and I can’t place it. Not quite depression. Not quite normal either.

Maybe it’s the holidays. While they don’t affect me like others, I still feel something of a loss. I miss my childhood around the holidays. My cousins. My grandmother. Life prior to 1983.

That kind of regressing will get me no where. I have a few assignments left before the end of this term (this coming Tuesday due date), and I had today to be finished with the bulk of them. I’m still a few things shy and its because I simply do not want to do shit. The little work I did do was a labor.

I guess I can’t call it being depressed because I have a little more going on than I used to. The academics. The job (sorta).

This feeling is chemical. I know that. My depression comes and goes like a cycle, in a way. It will pass, then it will be like a heavy cloud that lifted. I hate depression. I scuttled so much in life due to it’s effects on me. So much.

Thus I’m always starting over.

Not this time. I’ll fight through it. Just resign myself to finish things through. Go to work even though I don’t want to and finish the blueprint to this story I’m working on.

I meant to log a “How to Blueprint a story” in this journal but I lost interest in writing it.

See? It’s rough.

Good Start

It’s been a good couple of weeks. Nothing major to report. No news is good news.

I’ve decided against bitching about Walmart. It only leads to negative thoughts and I’ll be no better than the old ladies currently at the job — complaining ABOUT the job and the people in it — but not willing to move up and do anything about it.

I’ve taken a step toward leadership positions, taking a leadership assessment yesterday. As you know, the goal is to keep rising up in the company like I did before to pay off debt and school while going back for the degree. I expect to be an assistant manager in less than a year.

I think this time around, I’m going to go a notch higher than Assistant Manager this time around. Not necessarily store management, but something closer in the near 6-figures before Law School.

Thus far, I’m still ahead on my classwork. No issues to report and I’m happy.

It’s that feeling of being happy that I’m trying to keep active and ongoing. As a result, I’m noticing all those around me who are NOT happy. My wife is one of them. She’s someone who enjoys lying around in bed all-day and can be bitter/grumpy often. At one point, I was joining her in bed all-day — watching tv and pissed not having money to do anything. Then the decision to get out of bed, go back to school/Walmart/etc, etc…and here I am.

I did invite her to go back to school with me. Her student loans are in default like mine were. I told her she should find ways to get them out of default like I did but you know how that goes. She didn’t look enthused to do so.

I was actually hoping we would go back for our degrees together.

I hate to take an ‘oh well’ approach to my wife. I got my own stability to be concerned about. It’s going well NOW. Let’s see how things go when the classes get harder and I’m running a department or a group of departments.

Preparing for the future stress is more important than ever. 

And yes, I still have my lexipro. LOL Just the damn things really upset my stomach. Maybe I need to start a regular taking of it to adapt like I did before. God, the first few weeks of that was killer and I don’t remember if it really assisted with the stability in the first place.

My bouts of depression occur randomly; maybe broken down to once a month. I know its a chemical thing. Just not sure what triggers it. Good news has been, since I started school and the job, I’ve been free and clear. There may be a connection in that. We’ll see.