I’ve been on this fence lately. Between going insane and stability. I think I’m finally seeing the cause of past instability at this juncture. It all comes down to food.

What I eat. How long I don’t eat. How much I eat. When I eat. What I don’t eat.

For the past few days, and past few weeks off and on, I have been trying to eat vegan. Most plant-based foods.

At this time, I went two days in a row but the problem is nothing is quick, easier to make. All the things I should be making is long drown out recipes that take up all of my time. Combine with the harder class in Criminal Justice that started and work, you can imagine I do NOT want to spend my time in the kitchen. Sure, Donna cooks, but why should she after work?

Last night, I went to Taco Bell in favor of cooking and it was disgusting. Wasted the money; threw the food out. Never again. I felt like my body was adapting to this new plant-based direction. Hell, for the past few days, my system was cleaning out more than regularly.I was on the toilet more than usual after a few days of vegan.

Going backwards is not the answer. No more meat.

Through all of this, I discovered how foods have been affecting my mental state. Sure, we can eat meats and regular foods and maintain a level of ‘normal’ that might not be considered normal when you switch gears and go to vegan. As the bad stuff purges out, there is a withdrawal situation.I think that’s what I’m going through now.

Anger. Inability to eat what I want when I want it. Making vegan shit takes too much time and I’m sick of mushrooms and green leaves every day.

This is where the troubled aspect comes from. Which is also affecting my school work because last night I had no patience whatsoever for my work.

I need patience. More than ever now.

God help me.

By the way, as I walked out of work yesterday, I found $5.00. Right at the entrance with passing people and crowds and traffic. I felt like that money was meant for me to find.

The thinking is: I left at the right time, doing what I was supposed to do. Walking this ‘good path’, God allowed me to find this money. Now, just because I don’t speak of God in much of this journal doesn’t mean I don’t believe. God and I have a unique relationship. A realistic one that is the bases of this journal: I am a mess and we’re both working on me.

Like all things that change for the better, there will be withdrawal and anger. This journal documents that. So I just need to find peace and keep walking because I’m on the right track. Where I am walking is the right path. Laden with fortune if I just shut the fuck up and do what’s right.