December 10th 2017

I have to keep reminding myself “I am not retail orientated.”

I have to keep pushing myself to be “law” focused. At best, right now, academically focused until it’s time to focus on LSAT/law school ambitions. Some would argue, right now.

I’m having trouble adjusting to the suppression of the career that I want. You can say, “Oh, go ahead and be a filmmaker.” I tried for more than half my lifetime and produced nothing but failed memories that went no further than where I started. The attempt to be a filmmaker, for me, has been nothing but an uphill battle of near zero support and little to no money. Attempting to shift to animation to offset assistance and expense also fell flat with barely anyone even looking at my work. I guess you can say I have zero confidence that I was even a good animator.

One can also argue that it’s my fault because I have no confidence in the things I do.

I’m back to why I’m going back to school and law: because it’s a serendipitous ease of passage.

I had little trouble achieving the work I’m doing right now, in academic work, and passing some of the practice LSAT tests compared to getting my films off the ground. Or my books. 

Another argument could be made: Gaining the approval of an audience is harder than performing linear instructions to achieve a degree.

I don’t know. Today, I feel confused and lifeless. I’m supposed to be working on a paper for class. I’m bored with the whole school concept like when I was growing up. I’m still on time with my work but this life is stale. Uninspired. Combined with working at Walmart, i feel trapped and without creativity, which is my core value: being creative.

Is my work so bad that I can’t capture the attention of more than a handful of people? 

Granted, with almost everything I did, it was self-taught. There are greater talented people out there that taught themselves things and are working for major companies.

I’m willing to take classes on animation or film-making to improve. I often feel that studying animation to get a ‘certificate’ doesn’t guarantee you job placement. Getting my bachelors in criminal justice ‘might’ fill in that hole. To get people to look at my work, at least., even though the degree has nothing to do with the work. But I’ve been saying that for ages: why do I need a degree at all if I have the talent? Most companies won’t look unless you have a degree.

Or maybe I don’t have the talent.

Troubled, troubled, troubled. Again, I’ve selected the path of law because of the money and serendipitous blessings its giving. Finally something I can put in effort and see results. Without too much thinking. I wanted that with my film career. And in that I put my heart with no results. 

Sigh.

What I have been attempting to do … to ease my restless soul … is re-invite my film/animation/writing aspirations back into the fold by taking it back on regardless. It makes me happy, so why stop? Doing an act just to do it for your pleasure without an audience isn’t logical. At least not in entertainment. The point is to ‘entertain’ others. Not just yourself.

Can I possible work hard enough to achieve the bachelors degree and study animation to get a certificate; build a truly professional reel and incorporate everything I need and want? To what end goal? Bachelors to cover my ass. Animation to cover my heart. Law to cover my expenses. Film making to cover my dreams.

It’s a lot. Keep in mind, as of this date, I STILL haven’t attended another Toastmasters meeting. Or paid recent dues. What makes me think I can juggle two separate career studies?

But I am bored. I need a little life injection.

Also I can’t afford it: going to a second school requires out of pocket expenses that I simply can’t pay for. Self-study all this time produced zero results without a teacher to correct and show.

Sometimes, I feel my life was wasted. I thought any talent I had would accumulate to a successful life. It hasn’t. What do I do with all this wasted untalented knowledge?

That’s the heartbreak of it all. 

Then again, that’s the problem with things that come easy: I may be doing this school work and getting A’s and a perfect GPA with honors … but I feel I’m not earning it. When I was doing film and animation and struggled to succeed, I was getting no attention and no ‘applause’ … but I felt I earned whatever I did get.I just wanted more.