Tightrope

December 24th 2017

Did not get a write-up at Walmart. Walked in Thursday, worked Friday and Saturday — no sit downs. No ‘come to the office’ Nothing. I think it was because I ‘did’ tell a supervisor I was leaving (even though they considered him a low ranking supervisor). Well played on my part.

So, my schedule was 7-4 on Saturday. I’m off today (Sunday). You know I hate working full shifts on a Saturday. The zoo is in full swing.

And you might also want to know they (management) don’t want me to come in early anymore. I was coming to work at 3AM, leaving at noon to avoid the scum. They wanted me to stop doing that in order to have me around for the full shift when they are there.

Now, when I left Friday at 4pm, the shelves were practically empty. The people that come to this store — maybe all Walmart’s — are in this scavenger mode. I’m at this point where I can put ANY toy out and watch it vanish from the shelves. Last minute buyers are insane.

To be honest, the problem is what I mentioned earlier: adults feeling they need to buy a child in their family a ‘gift’, all look like they are laboring to do so. I watch these fools come through the department all day —- looking like they would rather not spend the money or play that ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ business. Today. In the world of internet access. You’re going to tell me you don’t know what the fuck you’re looking for? You certainly know how to jump on Facebook or twitter or find what store has your damn Jordan’s at.

The majority of adults shopping for children hate doing it and when they do buy something, it’s usually not what the kid wanted because they didn’t try to put any effort into it. Then you know what happens next: returns. Lots and lots of returns.

So, back to what happened …

With the shelves empty on Friday, and I know I have plenty of toys in the back room, and I know the overnight crew is NEVER efficient enough to put out the amount of toys I need them to do, I listened to my conscience and got there at 12:30AM to stock out as many toys as possible and help with the 12-shopping carts of returns.

Fuck ‘em. it’s my department. I do as I see fit.

So, I’m expected to leave at 10AM. They (management) is coming at me at 9AM wondering why I came in early.

It’s fucking two days before Christmas. Why the FUCK wouldn’t I? Especially if I’m off on Sunday and not coming in to do the freight.

Maybe, when I’m long gone, I hope someone from Walmart reads this and holds some sort of sympathy for a worker that gave a damn. Ha! Unlikely.

The upside: I cleared 8 of my bins in the backroom. The official bins, not the bins they randomly shoved toys into.

If they have any common sense, they’ll have all the toys taken out of the excess bins and off the pallets and onto the shelves last night. That should have been the focus for the past three nights but what the fuck do I know?

This is why I titled this entry ‘tightrope’. I’m playing a dangerous game with Walmart. Testing their authority against the right thing to do. If I DIDN’T come in, they wouldn’t have had toys on the shelf. Well, it’s not like I filled it ‘all’ … I’m just saying they wouldn’t have had as much as they did because I put out a lot of toys. Yes, ‘a lot is quantifiable.’

The problem with NOT talking about Walmart is, at this time, it’s the only job I have. School is on Christmas break until Wednesday. Walmart has dominated my life until whatever the future holds with this Bachelor’s degree. At the moment, it’s all I have.

By the way, the academic adviser never got back to me about changing majors. I probably missed her before she went on the break. Wednesday, my second class on Criminal Justice begins and I’m just wondering if it’s too late for me to make the switch to Digital Investigations. We’ll see.

Yesterday, I hired a local maid service to come through and clean the place. In the previous marriage, at the house I once lived in, we used a rent-able maid service almost on a weekly basis. At first, I was uncomfortable with it. After a few weeks, I was spoiled with it.

I guess that’s the reason I’m trying to have some understanding for my wife right now. She didn’t look comfortable with having people over cleaning her place.

So, one might suggest if your uncomfortable with people cleaning your place — why not clean it yourself. Save the money. Her cleaning aptitude — or maybe even her will to want to clean — is on the low end of the spectrum.

Me? I don’t mind cleaning, but the more I’m working and studying, the less I have the energy to do anything else. Same for her. I especially wanted the place cleaned for when the kids get here.

They did a great job. Mostly wiped down, vacuumed and tightened up the joint. Go into the corners of the bathroom we often overlook. Made it semi-showroom ready for guests. Even the bathroom towels and toilet paper were folded in hotel style corners. That was a sweet touch. I’ll call them back in a few weeks. Maybe once a month, you know?

So yes. I’m in a lifestyle shift where I’m hiring people to clean my place, making Christmas happen for the kids (each of them have a gift including my wife this year), everyone has medical insurance. I have money in the bank and in my pocket. I have 401(k) still at Apple and at Walmart. I’m happy (today) with a solid academic track record. Should I be fucking with Walmart’s authority if, indeed, half of my happy life is based on Walmart’s payroll?

It’s a leap of faith for me to say ‘my happy life is based on ME and changes I made’ … particularly when ‘me’ doesn’t pay ‘me’ $15.00/hr. Am I happy because I have money or because I’m improving my life?

Well, let’s break it down and tally the score based on HAVE MONEY/IMPROVED LIFE:

School was paid for 100% by federal loans. Not ONE dime out of pocket — to which I am grateful. If I had to pay out of pocket, I wouldn’t have been able to go. (Have Money)

I purposely made sure I paid off whatever previous payments in order for me to successful get the federal loans to go back to school. If I didn’t willingly focus on paying those off, I wouldn’t have been able to get the federal loans. (Improved Life)

My credit score went up TEN POINTS this month. (Improved Life)

I had the money to make payments to past bills to get my score to start rising. (Have Money)

I’m more than likely going to graduate in 2020 (Improved life)

My children are covered medically (Improved life) (Have money)

The more I look at this list, the reality is showing it’s not really the old saying “Money can’t bring you happiness.” Money and life improvement/happiness is a symbiosis cycle. One lives off of and reacts to the other.

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and always looking over my shoulder all the time (stressed), buying expensive cars, but needing to carry a gun at all times. It’s what I do to make money and how I use it.

I can have money, working at Walmart making $15/hr, dealing with asshole customers and management (stressed) and focused on dong the best for my family, paying off bills; and be happy.

or …

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and look out for my community and my family. Keeping a low key lifestyle and doing what’s right for others with the money I make. Very cautious and paranoid, but happy.

I can have money working at Walmart, spending my money on things other than my family or drinking it away. Always in debt and behind in my rent and other bills.

There is no right or wrong. If I had the tolerance to duck and dodge the federal government, law enforcement and people that wanted to steal my money, I’d be a drug dealer in a heartbeat. Still spending the money on improving my family without expensive cars. Well, no. I’d buy a corvette or a Tesla. Why? Cause I can imagine the stress of living daily with the assumption of getting killed or going to prison the next day is a ‘get it now before it’s too late’ kind of lifestyle.

At my age, I’m doing the right thing right now.

I just need to tweek it a bit. Somehow, more money would be nice. over the next few years while going back to school — without trying to be a drug dealer, thank you.

OH YES! Almost forgot. I started writing a script for a 30-page short film. For who? For me. After seeing ‘The Last Jedi’, which I was very disappointed in, the feeling I got was … I need to do a film of my own. So, I started writing something based on older characters I wrote about before. Something I can contain in limited locations and expense. The idea is I will start building film-making equipment and look to do something in the spring.

Where did that come from, right? I thought I abandoned film-making in favor of a serendipitous (holy shit! I spelled that right on the first go!) lifestyle through academic means. Well, like I said before — I’m doing so well in school, I feel I can get ANYTHING done.

Career Settling

December 10th 2017

I have to keep reminding myself “I am not retail orientated.”

I have to keep pushing myself to be “law” focused. At best, right now, academically focused until it’s time to focus on LSAT/law school ambitions. Some would argue, right now.

I’m having trouble adjusting to the suppression of the career that I want. You can say, “Oh, go ahead and be a filmmaker.” I tried for more than half my lifetime and produced nothing but failed memories that went no further than where I started. The attempt to be a filmmaker, for me, has been nothing but an uphill battle of near zero support and little to no money. Attempting to shift to animation to offset assistance and expense also fell flat with barely anyone even looking at my work. I guess you can say I have zero confidence that I was even a good animator.

One can also argue that it’s my fault because I have no confidence in the things I do.

I’m back to why I’m going back to school and law: because it’s a serendipitous ease of passage.

I had little trouble achieving the work I’m doing right now, in academic work, and passing some of the practice LSAT tests compared to getting my films off the ground. Or my books.

Another argument could be made: Gaining the approval of an audience is harder than performing linear instructions to achieve a degree.

I don’t know. Today, I feel confused and lifeless. I’m supposed to be working on a paper for class. I’m bored with the whole school concept like when I was growing up. I’m still on time with my work but this life is stale. Uninspired. Combined with working at Walmart, i feel trapped and without creativity, which is my core value: being creative.

Is my work so bad that I can’t capture the attention of more than a handful of people?

Granted, with almost everything I did, it was self-taught. There are greater talented people out there that taught themselves things and are working for major companies.

I’m willing to take classes on animation or film-making to improve. I often feel that studying animation to get a ‘certificate’ doesn’t guarantee you job placement. Getting my bachelors in criminal justice ‘might’ fill in that hole. To get people to look at my work, at least., even though the degree has nothing to do with the work. But I’ve been saying that for ages: why do I need a degree at all if I have the talent? Most companies won’t look unless you have a degree.

Or maybe I don’t have the talent.

Troubled, troubled, troubled. Again, I’ve selected the path of law because of the money and serendipitous blessings its giving. Finally something I can put in effort and see results. Without too much thinking. I wanted that with my film career. And in that I put my heart with no results.

Sigh.

What I have been attempting to do … to ease my restless soul … is re-invite my film/animation/writing aspirations back into the fold by taking it back on regardless. It makes me happy, so why stop? Doing an act just to do it for your pleasure without an audience isn’t logical. At least not in entertainment. The point is to ‘entertain’ others. Not just yourself.

Can I possible work hard enough to achieve the bachelors degree and study animation to get a certificate; build a truly professional reel and incorporate everything I need and want? To what end goal? Bachelors to cover my ass. Animation to cover my heart. Law to cover my expenses. Film making to cover my dreams.

It’s a lot. Keep in mind, as of this date, I STILL haven’t attended another Toastmasters meeting. Or paid recent dues. What makes me think I can juggle two separate career studies?

But I am bored. I need a little life injection.

Also I can’t afford it: going to a second school requires out of pocket expenses that I simply can’t pay for. Self-study all this time produced zero results without a teacher to correct and show.

Sometimes, I feel my life was wasted. I thought any talent I had would accumulate to a successful life. It hasn’t. What do I do with all this wasted untalented knowledge?

That’s the heartbreak of it all.

Then again, that’s the problem with things that come easy: I may be doing this school work and getting A’s and a perfect GPA with honors … but I feel I’m not earning it. When I was doing film and animation and struggled to succeed, I was getting no attention and no ‘applause’ … but I felt I earned whatever I did get.I just wanted more.

Filmmaking

I had a rich history of attempts to make films. Each attempt was better than the last but always, ALWAYS a problem with audio. An odd, persistent curse.

I’m proud of both films though, at the time, I cringed daily at the issues. I worked hard with what little I had. And I had less than zero.

So, with me working to have a better education, better life’s position and higher confidence lately, guess who has been feeling that need to create a film?

This time around, I’m doing things well organized. I have an idea for a short film (30 minutes) and would be considered festival quality. NOT YouTube. Even though Facebook is getting into the streaming action, I need to hit the festivals. A long time desire.

Plus, if I do well at the festivals, the other streaming entities will be an easier grasp.

This era of film and content was practically made for me and I haven’t taken advantage of it. Mostly because I was spending the last 10-20 years climbing out of an emotional/financial hole. Still climbing but I see the light.

This idea I have would be a prequel to a story. If it works, it gives me a chance to do the actual script itself.