Tag: Food

Back on Track

August 14th, 2018

I started new classes. With College Algebra behind me with a resounding “F”, I’m happy to report I got my first “A” in the current computer class for a paper I submitted. My work is going in on time, I feel good and life is back to normal.

That doesn’t mean I’m entirely safe. I was told the Algebra class would be coming back around soon so I have some choices: hire someone to do my work or actually “do” the math. At this time, there will be no way I can do it, but … but ….I am willing to start from scratch and learn Algebra while I have the time. Like from ground zero. Khan Academy has free lessons and I started with basic algebra. I think the class will come back around in September so I have a month to get my shit together.

I don’t want to cheat and hire anyone. Aside from the fact that I can’t afford it, I want to be successful by my own hand. Honestly.

So, I’m scheduling my life to make sure I’m doing more studying in that area.

Still haven’t found work yet, but truth be told, I feel like I’ve been through a raging storm lately mentally and it’s finally clearing up. I cut off watching the news again, so that’s been helpful. I’m telling you: there’s something going on and it wasn’t just affecting me. When last checked the news, it’s not just me. People are doing some crazy shit out there and I refused to either be part of it, kill myself or others. Considering I have been a suicidal mess, and I had every opportunity to end my own life, I made the decision not to and still feel good about it.

Which brings me to those Nootropic meds.

What I haven’t mentioned is I stopped taking them for a few days. About the only ones I’ve taken was the L-Theanine to help me sleep.

Why?

Because after the first doses — maybe after the third day of taking them — not only did they stop being effective, but I was focusing improperly on the wrong things. Evil thoughts that returned to the prospect of my dying and or killing others. It was a dark mood. Now, it was the end of the month so, like I observed, that ‘cycle’ was right on time and the pills did nothing but ENHANCE that darkness.

Not good.

So, I’ve been a few days (actually a week now) and the air has been clear.

But this is the beginning/mid month. Check back how I feel toward the end of the month. 

I’m looking into the reality that it’s about the foods I do or don’t eat. A side note to that is I’ve decided to stop eating any and all McDonalds foods. By the end of August, it will be the first month I have not eaten any measure of the stuff because I usually get a quick meal at least once or twice a month at some point.

I can’t say for sure, but I suspect that my mood warps usually right after I eat from there and my body cycles out the material that creates those dark patches I usually get. Not a scientific result, but did a mental check last month between the last time I ate from there, when my mood went dark and how long since I stopped eating it till now. It doesn’t look good for McDonalds at all if I’m right.

Also highlights that I eat from there too much.

Here’s an article that reflects a little bit about what I’m saying:

https://www.rd.com/health/wellness/effects-of-fast-food/

Troubled

I’ve been on this fence lately. Between going insane and stability. I think I’m finally seeing the cause of past instability at this juncture. It all comes down to food.

What I eat. How long I don’t eat. How much I eat. When I eat. What I don’t eat.

For the past few days, and past few weeks off and on, I have been trying to eat vegan. Most plant-based foods.

At this time, I went two days in a row but the problem is nothing is quick, easier to make. All the things I should be making is long drown out recipes that take up all of my time. Combine with the harder class in Criminal Justice that started and work, you can imagine I do NOT want to spend my time in the kitchen. Sure, Donna cooks, but why should she after work?

Last night, I went to Taco Bell in favor of cooking and it was disgusting. Wasted the money; threw the food out. Never again. I felt like my body was adapting to this new plant-based direction. Hell, for the past few days, my system was cleaning out more than regularly.I was on the toilet more than usual after a few days of vegan.

Going backwards is not the answer. No more meat.

Through all of this, I discovered how foods have been affecting my mental state. Sure, we can eat meats and regular foods and maintain a level of ‘normal’ that might not be considered normal when you switch gears and go to vegan. As the bad stuff purges out, there is a withdrawal situation.I think that’s what I’m going through now.

Anger. Inability to eat what I want when I want it. Making vegan shit takes too much time and I’m sick of mushrooms and green leaves every day.

This is where the troubled aspect comes from. Which is also affecting my school work because last night I had no patience whatsoever for my work.

I need patience. More than ever now.

God help me.

By the way, as I walked out of work yesterday, I found $5.00. Right at the entrance with passing people and crowds and traffic. I felt like that money was meant for me to find.

The thinking is: I left at the right time, doing what I was supposed to do. Walking this ‘good path’, God allowed me to find this money. Now, just because I don’t speak of God in much of this journal doesn’t mean I don’t believe. God and I have a unique relationship. A realistic one that is the bases of this journal: I am a mess and we’re both working on me.

Like all things that change for the better, there will be withdrawal and anger. This journal documents that. So I just need to find peace and keep walking because I’m on the right track. Where I am walking is the right path. Laden with fortune if I just shut the fuck up and do what’s right.