Today, I sent my cousin — one of the few family members I keep in contact with semi-regularly — and email updating how I am doing. When I last emailed him, it was to see what he thought of my book I mailed to him. Never got a response. Since I am beyond writing these days, I reached out to tell him the good news of my academic and employment life.

Reading over a very long email — much of it encompasses everything in this journal — I realized I’m doing damn well. I was happy to share my happiness with him.

Okay, so in this journal I showcased my hate for people, which is true. But, as I explained in the email to my cousin, that will never change. I’m on a journey of doing things I dislike doing to gain a serendipitous lifestyle that didn’t happen when I tried to live my passion. As this journal began, It’s about getting an easier life by stop doing what I loved and doing what I don’t. As you can see, it’s working regardless of the hate I have for doing it.

Sure, it makes no sense in practicality, but i’m living proof that it’s working. Do I really want to work with people? Do I really give a damn about Walmart and having associates? Do I really give a fuck about joining Toastmasters or being a lawyer?

No on all counts. I want to be a writer and filmmaker. But that didn’t work out.

What is working out is everything I rejected. Almost at blinding speed, proving the life I tried 40+ years to build really wasn’t mine.

So, am I happy that I have medical insurance now for my kids, a rising credit score, debt being paid off and a stable job with advancement on the way? Am I happy that I am academically doing wonders and will soon have the credibility to gain lasting employment with higher pay? Am I happy that I will change the points of views of friends and family that don’t think I’m amounting to much?

To all of that, I have to say yes. I only wish I could have done all of that with the same serendipitous energy I put into the love of my life. I will forever have a burning hate for why my writing career did not come as easy as the brainless work I’m putting into the things that I don’t love…that are working out.

Let these words show that there is more to life going on in the background than we really know because this is bullshit.

But welcome bullshit. Bullshit that I am grateful for.