Child Support

June 20th, 2018

I was married before. We have two children that are now well into their teens. I love my children; that I can’t and will never deny. They were the only best part of that relationship.

What do I remember of my marriage with that woman? Her parting words that I can’t ever forget and they keep constantly ringing through my subconscious, making me cringe with anger and hate: “I’m going to take you for child support and they’re going to take all of your money.”

Quote — end quote.

Add to her annoying high-pitch voice and you get the picture.

At the time the child support started, I was making more money. I have, of course, since lost that job and they have been adding arrears into the thousands. Honestly, I have never owed so much to one source in all my life. I have tried to reduce it when I had a lesser job. The judge flat out said: ‘No.’

Really. I couldn’t afford the payments and it was ramping up astronomically back then and he said, without reason, just No.

To this day, I think that is where I started hating people.

I have made attempts to reduce it or change things but the system is thick with red tape. I would have to go back to NY and it’s a complicated mess on purpose. The quest to be a lawyer also includes rectifying alot of this bullshit, by the way.

So what has happened ever since:

I lost my drivers license.

I can’t get a passport.

I have ‘dead-beat’ status arrears that are heavy and impossible to pay off at $12.00/hr.

A long time ago, I asked the ex to help me reduce or remove this child support order. She said no.

I think back then I was near going to kill her. Why? Because I am constantly in my children’s life REGARDLESS. I give them money directly. I even gave them debit cards that allow me to give them money they can use.

Why don’t I pay the child support directly?

Well, let’s go back about eight years ago. I had a good job that paid about $16.00 an hour. Child support started taking their payments and one day my children stayed with me as they usually did in the summer or holidays. They didn’t have appropriate coats for the weather or even decent clothing.

So I asked, “what is your mother doing with the money she’s getting?” I shouldn’t have involved them in my struggles with that bitch but I was fed up. She talks bad about me to them and I usually don’t reciprocate by calling her a bitch to them. But this time, I let my son see what got taken from my checks for child support and opened his eyes to the mother he has. Based on what he said and the lack of stuff I see them have, the money I sent wasn’t being used for them.

Then he confirmed stories I already knew about her: spending money on other people and parties to make herself look like an important person.

She has a job, but when all this started, you got to understand, she ‘took’ my children from New York (where we used to live) and moved to Albany, GA. For about two months, she tried to live off my child support payments, without telling me where she went. If I kept a journal of those events, you would have witnessed me very destroyed at the time. Basically, we divorced, she hit me with child support, when I came to pick up the kids on the weekends like I always did, she was gone. Moved. Left without telling me.

That was when I used some of my inherent missing person’s skills. I found them through a logical set of questions/asking people who didn’t want to tell me. Got a lawyer and forced her back to answer for taking my kids across state lines. The most that happened was I stopped her from moving any further without my permission. She kidnapped my children and got away with it and I’m still paying.

So, flash forward to now and I don’t want her dead as much as I used to but child support still hangs over my head. I don’t ‘willingly’ report it to the services because they often take more than I can afford to live on plus I give my money to the kids directly for the things they need and it’s never as much as they need to take.

I don’t know if that amount will ever get paid, so I don’t even bother.

Meanwhile, there are times, like now, where it catches up to me. They started taking money from this little job I have, cutting my income down to more than half. If the job wasn’t worth going to with what I got, it sure isn’t worth going for less than half.

But this is the constant rotation of it all: Find a job, child support starts in, quit the job because I can’t afford to go to the job or live off of it, find another job, repeat.

I can’t answer for other fathers not doing for their children, but I do. My kids know it and I’m deadlocked into a system that won’t reduce the arrears, release my driver’s license to get to a job if I needed it and it keeps rising. Add a bitch ex-wife that just wants “all my money” and you can see why many ex-wives end up dead.

I have no sympathy when I hear of an ex-wife murdered by her ex. You don’t know the buttons that bitch probably pushed. If you knew the buttons my ex pushed, you’d want her to die, too.

So I’m in a position where if my kids need money, I have to direct them to their mother that received a payment. How can I give them any more directly if she’s getting it?

This sends me in a frantic need to get/find a better job. But, because of my lack of a degree, I couldn’t get a better job — and this brings us to where we are today: me striving for a better life with a degree, thus a potentially better job.

Let’s be clear: if I was getting paid at a job that allowed me to have a life and pay this child support bill, I would be fine with it. I don’t WANT to pay child support to this particular whore, but I am WILLING to pay it if I can make sure I can survive too. What’s the point of paying child support if I can’t survive to go to work to earn the money? Which I will never understand why they suspend driver’s licenses. How do you get to a job without a license? Reasonably. Don’t say mass transit because fuck mass transit if you have a car.

I’m venting. I have a lot more to say on this ex-wife bitch thing but I’m trying to stay centered. The plan has not changed. In fact, I’m really just writing this as documentation to showcase the overall pressure I’m going through. To underscore exactly WHY I am pushing for this degree.

But the degree isn’t coming tomorrow. Or the next week. I have another year and ½ at best before I graduate and can utilize the degree.

So, if I wanted law, I said I was going for a paralegal certification. Get certified and get a better job, right?

But the classes for paralegal cost more than I currently make now that child support is being taken. Not that I suspected this would happen, but I am so used to things falling apart when things are going good, I prepared a contingency plan should I not be able to get the paralegal classes which is …

A+ Certification. I’m in an IT degree program BECAUSE I wanted a safety if law didn’t go through. I’m studying the A+ Certification BECAUSE I can’t afford the paralegal certification classes yet. The A+ lessons are free with my education at AIU. All I have to do is pay the exam testing fee which is like $97 each (I’ll need two of them).

Get certified and I can start looking at $16+/hr jobs. Preferably into the $20/hr jobs repairing PCs and technical support, which I have experience in. But my resume jumps from job to job so much I have to really develop one that will be the ultimate IT support specialist version that takes advantage of the certification to come and the bachelor’s degree to come.

What if I don’t get A+ certified? What if I fail the exam? I’m already tired as it is working six days at a job on my feet all night and with a small window to study.

Do I quit this job giving my ex the big “go fuck yourself’? Then I’ll be out of even that little bit of weekly money to even pay for the exam; putting more pressure on my wife again.

Honestly, I’m sticking to the plan.

The plan is working. I just have to notch back how I spend money with the little I have.

I’ll also have to drop down to five days instead of six days a week at this cornball job. A touch less money but more time to study and work on classwork.

I’ll still give a little money directly to my kids. Just not as much as before, I guess. Simply can’t afford it.

THANK GOD I bought that guitar when I said I would. Seeing the child support take a majority of my money, I would have not bought it, knowing it was a frivolous purchase. It’s actually essential. You need something to make yourself happy. I want to learn the guitar and, through all this stress of trying to make more money, get a better education, child support, etc,… I need this artistic ‘me’ time.

Keeping the child support rolling keeps the system off me indirectly. It doesn’t pay off the arrears, but it’s documented SOMETHING is being paid and that isn’t a bad thing. If .. WHEN … I get certified, I’ll look for work first within the same temp agency I currently work for. This way, the support order stays consistent and I just have to have income requirements that will satisfy both the support and myself.

Otherwise, get certified and just find another job — making the support order find me.

Heavy sigh. Regardless, nothing changes. It was a few short months ago I didn’t have a dime to my name and was unemployed.

I’m employed with less money weekly — but I have money. Now, it’s just up to me to weave through life with a saving/spending control system that won’t make me feel broke until I get the certification. For instance, if I need to pay for things like the exam that’s $97, I don’t use the whole check for the exam fee. I save $50 this week. $50 next week. I split all bills I need to pay in half and storage cash when I can.

The bitch did not win. I am not as angry and I’m still doing well in school, going to learn the guitar, going to get certified and currently happily married.

I just have to stay on track and keep telling myself: the bitch did not win.

I’m winning.

The Fix: Above and Beyond

I found a way to elevate this rash of anger lately. Tried it out for a couple of days since the last post and I can confirm, with further practice, I will be able to move forward on a great many things.

No, it has nothing to do with drinking.

It actually beings and ends on my perspective. Not so much ‘how’ I think but ‘where’ I view things.

First, let me address what was triggering me.

When I walk about my day; anywhere — at work, at the mall, walking through the library, I typically keep my head up and find myself looking at people in the eyes. This is what I see:

Notice the judgmental eyes. Notice the rolling of eyes (which I get a lot of). This is with me greeting people with a smile, no less. I get it’s not MY problem and it’s whatever is going on in their lives. I get that. Still, we are taught to walk with our heads up, look people in their eyes when you meet them.

Key important words: ‘when you meet them’. Not necessarily BEFORE you meet them.

When I look at people, I get these evil expressions that wear me down. Then I’m looking at the whole frame and conduct my own set of judging (i.e., angry fat motorized cart people, people on their phones all the time, etc, etc). The world goes round and round. Repetitively hammering while I’m always wondering why everyone is looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.

I’ve long since stopped looking down to the ground when I walk about. People who look downward tend to slouch, walk and motion in a downward spiral. I’m always teaching my kids to keep their back straight and look up when walking.

Lately, in order to avoid looking at people, I have tried looking down when walking about but it was not ‘me’. Very uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with someone about my height (6′2″). I mentioned I don’t feel like I am any taller than anyone else. I mentioned that I feel average. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

That was part of the problem.

I’m walking about feeling that I’m on the same height level as everyone else; trying to be on the same level as others and not being accepted. Thus feeling angry and causing a lot of hate.

Before this gets any more egotistical, I need to underscore I’m talking about height, not state of mind —- HOWEVER, this new process I’m doing is triggering an enlightening of my thinking and doing the unthinkable: that I’m not on the same level as others and I should stop trying to go low.

The ‘fix’ was simple and, seemingly, life changing that effectively stopped this daily hate thing I was going through:

Notice the area above their heads. For my height, it’s an easy thing to do, look above and beyond them. Instead of trying to narrow my vision, when I’m walking, to look at those passing me, my head is up and my vision is over them — past them. As a result, I don’t notice people as persistent as I was doing. Not looking at their eyes UNLESS they are specifically addressing me or I need to talk to them.

The results are fantastic. At least for me. I can’t say what it does for people shorter. They would have their own demons to defeat. For me, I am looking over people and I won’t try to ‘not’ be tall. By looking past people, I really do ignore them and get back to thinking about where I’m going. Literally and figuratively. I’m back to thinking of creative thinking as well since the space that was filled with fear, anger and worry what people thought of me is being replaced with the stories and ideas that made me who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s only been a few days. As I walk about, I still automatically look at people passing me and I see those eyes again. I’ll never understand why they look at me. It’s something I need to work on and keep training myself to look above people.

Is it about being ‘better’ than others?

No. I’m thinking it’s more about being better.

Now it’s up to someone else to wonder if I think I’m better than them or not and it won’t be my concern. I’m moving forward without thinking about the next person until I need to. Key important words: Until I need to.

Side note: A’s still coming in. GPA remains 4.0. I’ll be ending this set of classes with a perfect score and moving into actual Criminal Justice classes next month.

I couldn’t go to the pre-law event that started yesterday into this weekend. Couldn’t afford it. Still, I know about it now and it may make better sense to go next year during my sophomore years.

Social Failure

The issues I had of the previous week socially — extreme hate for people — took a greater toll than I had a chance to discuss.

As mentioned, I joined a few organizations to improve my career status: Elks, Kiwanis, Toastmasters. I was supposed to go to the Elks and Kiwanis meetings this past week but failed to do so. I can use the excuse that I was working, which I was, but truthfully I didn’t want to see anyone. Did not want to talk to anyone.

I can’t explain this burning hate. Almost psychotic. Very much allergic of being around people. I can’t quite say agoraphobic; I don’t mind going out. It’s just any place groupings of people are going to be, you WON’T find me. Parties, sporting events, clubs, bars, etc, etc. The movies is okay, but these days people using their phones in the theaters DURING the movie makes me want to go ballistic.

So I didn’t go to the initial meetings for those organizations and it depressed me. You see, I KNOW I have to do better. I’m trying. That’s why I reached out to join these things.

Toastmasters was Tuesday night at 6:30pm. I brought my application and my money order for club fees. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like the people who were talking and speaking (the point of Toastmasters, right?) were annoying me to the core.

So I left. Handed my application and fees and left early.

Once out, I felt an overwhelming calm. Like that feeling you might get from being released from prison. Like the world was finally open to me.

Makes NO sense why I feel that way but here it is. I’ve always felt this way, honestly. It’s just me trying to fight it these days.

The problem is, based on some 48 years of personal study, I am to understand I don’t LOOK anti-social.

People see me and think not only am I going to steal their pussy; like I’m some sort of pretty boy player — they say I look like I would date a white girl. Often called serious. Often handsome.

The point of view of myself is far, far less than what others see. I think of myself as a joke just getting by. Never sure why I was ever married before or now. What drew women to me. Lots of sex over the years but, in my head, I think I mostly caught women during a ‘hunger’ rather than a ‘wanting choice’. Kind of like how a fat girl gets laid by random strangers. Would the guy fuck her by choice? Nope. She’s there. Nobody needs to know. She’s willing to take the dick. Get off and move on. I think that has been why I’ve gotten so much ass over the years: I’m that fat bitch. lol.

Seriously, I have to control this anti-social situation. No I don’t want to get back on Lexipro. The shit makes me nauseous and a zombie over time. With low sex drive.

Interestingly, I found drinking (liquor) opens me up a little. Yeah, that sounds funny because that’s what drinking is supposed to do. I don’t drink so it’s a whole new layer of shit I have to consider.

I don’t have an addictive trait so being an alcoholic wouldn’t be the problem.

I have to test this out. Maybe this week.

In the past, I found taking a little swig of alcohol (on an empty stomach) relaxed me to talk to anyone. Too much made me say too much (lololol) … just enough allowed me to not give a fuck about who’s around me.

So, cheaper than drugs, I’ll consider buying “liquid courage” and go to the next toastmasters meeting.

The problem with alcohol is the smell. People can always tell when someone is drinking. I sure can. Maybe it’s those who drink too much. Like it coming out of their pores. Like smokers. I don’t want to be THAT guy.

If my drinking sums up to one small glass, once a month, when needed, I guess it can’t be that bad. Just to get over some social hurdles.

See what you have to do in order to deal with people?