May 16th, 2018

The writing stopped. I needed time to pack away and/or destroy everything relevant to that creative end. It wasn’t working. I thought I could have fun doing it, but the truth is, with no one reading — no one reviewing — there is no fun in it. A creative lobotomy — that side of me had to go. It was killing me.

Back to this lifeless, but eventually lucrative, law career decision with no other diversions than to play a video game or two during downtimes. 

The career path has led me to explore, before law school, work as a paralegal. For that, I need to be certified and I found a 1-year course at Kennesaw State University that can provide the study and the certification. I was looking at a course at Emory but they expected a bachelor’s degree FIRST in order to take the same course, for the same certification.

I’m still doing fine in AIU with a GPA of 3.92. Environmental science fucked me. I inquired about disputing past grades. Because I did not discuss it with the teacher and open a dispute at the time, it wouldn’t be worth it. My fault. At the time, I did not think it was worth it. But, seeing that I am doing great with my essay’s now, as to say, I should not have had a problem with the previous essays, I’m feeling I should have slapped that bitch for grading me so poorly.

Well, I have one week left in this course, and I have all A’s.

Oh, I had an event with my daughter this past weekend. My daughter told my ex I was going back to school and how well I was doing. My ex was proud of me and said: “I always knew you could do it”. 

She’s of that very educated, 6-figure variety. The problem wasn’t that she didn’t support educational endeavors. She never supported my creative endeavors. Not just her. My mother wasn’t interested either. Years upon years of my own lack of faith in myself based on negative feedback from those around me who didn’t even READ my work. My ex made up every excuse possible not to read anything until SOMEONE ELSE read it and reviewed it. 

My writing was an uphill struggle. I knew I was talented. Just not supported and it’s in me to have self-hate and resentment about it. Meanwhile, kids like this get full support for whatever he’s doing since 11 years old:

https://www.vogue.com/article/food-recipe-eureka-flynn-mcgarry

It’s never about “he was a prodigy.” I was a prodigy in storytelling. Writing since 5-years old. Taught a few classes in creative writing. But I’m Black. No supportive family. No money. I can sum it up and wonder if I was ever any good at all and here we are at giving up and just focusing on going to law school. There. Saved you another paragraph of ranting. As for teaching creative writing again, I hate people too much now to even try to be caring in a classroom.

So, here’s the plan: I continue the work I’m doing in AIU. Continue to get the good grades. Get the Bachelor’s degree in 2020 for Information Technology. between now and the end of 2019, I take the Paralegal Course and get certified. This allows me to get work at a law firm with my final year getting the degree. Naturally, I let them know the intention to take the LSAT. 

Getting a job as a Paralegal breaks me free of crap temp jobs like the one I should be starting any day now. That’s another story. I got the job but didn’t start yet. 

Working as a paralegal is like pre-law realtime, plus being paid.

That’s the plan anyway. Left-side of the brain things work. All this shit about the law, working in law and going to law school will fall into my lap easier than my struggle to be a writer. 

Even finding that better course at Kennesaw is an example of serendipitous momentum. I couldn’t get that kind of convenient momentum for my writing whatsoever. It’s hard to explain. It’s the little and big things. The writing was always a struggle with no one caring. Law pursuit? I hold out my hand and all things fall into place. 

People are ‘proud of me’ suddenly. Including my mother. Were they not proud when I was writing? Fuck all of them. Every last fucking one of them.

Let the record show I don’t give a rats ass about law and it’s all about ‘people’ and you know how much I don’t give a fuck about people. Fucking lovely. I’m going to be the House M.D. of Law.