Nootropic Success

August 3rd, 2018

I finally found a combination that works. A set of pills that handles energy, clarity and mood – with the right dosage for a full day, also.

It begins with Adrafinil. I established that it works.

A few months back, I documented my use of Alpha-GPC and Coluracetam. I called Coluracetam a ‘mood lightener’ that worked for a few hours and Alpha-GPC didn’t do shit. It honestly had no affect on me.

That is UNTIL it combined with Adrafinil.

Adrafnil by itself was okay, last four hours, but clarity/energy was not 100%.

Two days ago, I took all three and I was in motion. The first day, there was some sinus and headache issues but by the second day it was perfect. I guess my mind getting use to the change.

Clear headed, energy and desire to ‘do’ things when I thought about them and with a good attitude. Got a lot of chores and projects done. Wonderful stuff. I mean, on the first day of taking all three, I was stumbling over myself because my mind was racing. I was OVER thinking and doing. By day two of all three, I got better control of it and can focus on what I chose to focus on.

One of the key problems with adult ADD, depression, etc is the inability to focus on task and, often, not having the desire to do anything — then things get backed up, you feel messed up that you’re not doing anything and then the depression kicks in. But you still don’t feel like doing anything because of the cloudiness and so everything cancels out.

This mixture is killer: I feel like doing and, most importantly, accomplishing everything.

I’m getting a lot done — and it’s NOT adderall.

I’m no chemist or physicist, but I know when something is working in my body. Alpha-GPC actually works in combination with the Adrafinil. So much so, that when the combination of all three starts to fade off in four-five hours, I popped one more Alpha-GPC and that activated me for the rest of the day; as if I took all three again.

The timing is like this:

6:30 am – Take all three pills.
11-12pm – Effects start to wane. Take one (1) Alpha-GPC
8pm – effects start to wane again.

Which is fine because it’s nearing time I go to bed. Here’s something that helped me the rest of the night: L-Theanine. People take that in combo to remove an edge to the jittery effects, but I don’t recommend taking it WITH your other pills because its just going to counter-act the purpose of having energy.

So, I take it to wind down from the day of using the other pills and I slept through the night. I tried it for the first time last night and finally stopped waking up at 3am. Yeah, I have been waking up at 3am for the past few days but that’s not because of the pills I’ve been taking. It was happening before the pills.

The L-Theanine is designed to promote relaxation and it did it’s job.

I’m happy with the results over the first two days. Today is the third and I’ll journal any downsides/effects moving forward. If you are interested in trying the exact set I’m on and where I bought it, here it is:

Adrafinil 300mg – Double Wood Supplements

Alpha GPC 300mg – Amazon

Coluracetam 20mg – Health by Naturals

L-Theanine 200mg – Amazon

Half-a-Zoloft

June 21st, 2018

I took half of a Zoloft this morning. I felt the anxiety coming on last night; dealing with the boneheads at the job, the child support situation mentioned the other day and suddenly memories of my own past stupidity started rushing back to me. I tell you, my mind fucks with me that way…magnifying my awkward life moments like an unwanted home video presentation. Making me very anxious and jittery.

Here’s the thing: I have an acutely accurate memory of the worst times of my life. Almost 360-degree imagery of the same instance from all sorts of angles but I have to work so fucking hard to remember things for exams.

I’m going with the idea that I actually have a very good memory — long-term memory things, I guess. Things that leave impressions. Like I remember a lot of good things, too. Like my first girlfriend and the things I did for her. Not just the emotions and faces. I’m talking full segments of conversations and events 20-30 years ago.

Odd. If I really stopped to assess my memory, I really do have a solid memory of a lot of things. Why did I ever think I had a bad memory? HAHA…I forgot why I thought that. LOLOLOL.

I think I have a bad memory when I struggle to commit schoolwork to memory. Or I panic when it is time to take tests and feel I forgot everything.

Then I can go ahead and recall stupid events from when I was a kid that my mother doesn’t remember.

Well, anyway, the Zoloft is to settle me down because I dreaded going to work again today and I want to do a lot of schoolwork and keep studying for the A+ exam. I told my wife that going to work now, with less pay, makes it difficult to swallow the usual shit I was taking at this job. Now it’s all magnified. It’s a mental thing, but seems so much worse.

Taking a full Zoloft would have made me lethargic. Half keeps me on my feet but mellow.

It’s already starting to work.

See? Even a sensible psychotic can get through society if he takes his meds when he’s supposed to.

Thoughts on Things

May 21st, 2018

Yeah, I know I just entered some writing for today, and I have a report to do, but I forgot to mention some things I found out last night.

I was looking up online the notion that some of our greatest leaders and scientists had equally great mental disorders and still carried on: Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Beethoven, Issac Newton. I usually spend time backtracking and confirming this information and it all seems legit. It made me feel better that, even at my small segment of space on this planet, greater men than I had issues under enormous pressure that should have crushed them. Who am I to be such a pussy?

A small list of names are here:

http://mentalfloss.com/article/12500/11-historical-geniuses-and-their-possible-mental-disorders

Then, there is this poem about suicide that supposedly Lincoln wrote. Let me know if any of this sounds familiar:

Here, where the lonely hooting owl
Sends forth his midnight moans,
Fierce wolves shall o’er my carcase growl,
Or buzzards pick my bones.

No fellow-man shall learn my fate,
Or where my ashes lie;
Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,
Or by the ravens’ cry.

Yes! I’ve resolved the deed to do,
And this the place to do it:
This heart I’ll rush a dagger through,
Though I in hell should rue it!

Hell! What is hell to one like me
Who pleasures never knew;
By friends consigned to misery,
By hope deserted too?

To ease me of this power to think,
That through my bosom raves,
I’ll headlong leap from hell’s high brink,
And wallow in its waves.

Though devils yell, and burning chains
May waken long regret;
Their frightful screams, and piercing pains,
Will help me to forget.

Yes! I’m prepared, through endless night,
To take that fiery berth!
Think not with tales of hell to fright
Me, who am damn’d on earth!

Sweet steel! come forth from your sheath,
And glist’ning, speak your powers;
Rip up the organs of my breath,
And draw my blood in showers!

I strike! It quivers in that heart
Which drives me to this end;
I draw and kiss the bloody dart,
My last—my only friend!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Suicide%27s_Soliloquy

“ To ease me of this power to think,” …. “Will help me to forget”

Depression and what the mind projects into our consciousness have been going on for a very, very VERY long time. Even if Lincoln didn’t write this, SOMEBODY did and we’re talking a couple hundred years back. So, the idea of depression is brought on by the foods we eat is not the issue. For god’s sake, it’s not like they had cola back then or lots of other sugary things.

But there is a consistency. A connecting thread. Just not sure what it is yet. Or, the thoughts are part of our ‘strength’ as being human and we just don’t know how to control it. What would be the benefit of remembering painful things that torment a man to commit suicide? I have no idea.

I guess I’m saying, maybe … just maybe … we’re looking at how our brains think all wrong and due to the lack of control, we get depressed. A kitchen stove is great for cooking, but if you use it wrong or don’t know how to use it, you will always burn yourself. One thing you can guarantee about humans, we’re never really using our minds for what it was supposed to be used for. Killing others, ourselves and acting like assholes is NOT it.

Here’s to the power of writing: that poem gave us a frozen moment in time we would never have known about.

I hope the things I write here will help others too.

Mindfulness

May 7th, 2018

Three things I learned today:

1) My inability to focus on things runs deep.

I attempted a simple mindfulness exercise today: lay down, breathe evenly and think of an apple sitting on a chair and hold that thought.

Not only did I fall asleep multiple times, but when I snapped myself back awake to refocus on an apple/chair, I literally fought to maintain that simple vision. Either it was clouded and I couldn’t reform the vision, or I easily shifted into another thought. It was a battle that demanded I keep repeating “apple on a chair, apple on a chair” multiple times. Even then, I lost the image. Drifted. Constantly.

The answer to this problem: I’m going to fight through this and practice meditation each day until I can focus on one thing. First, ‘an apple on a chair’. Then grow from there. Sounds silly, but let’s see how long you can do it. This will help me understand why I drift from project to project, thought to thought and lack of real focus in my school work.

2) When absolutely calm, I can feel the approach of someone I care about even from a distance.

When my mind is still, and it isn’t often, I get this ‘sinking’ feeling. Not a negative one, but a feeling like the volume of my airspace is shifting, or being filled. That’s usually when I can tell my wife or children are within range. It’s not about footsteps, hearing the car or loud noises. I’ve felt this way before and even announced someone’s arrival before they got there. Not everyone. Just people close to me. Like it’s rare they can sneak up on me. But then it’s rare that my mind is as still as it needs to be for my body to get that feeling.

The answer to this: Well, it’s not a problem. What it does is confirm if I can quiet my mind, I can feel a lot of things more than I do right now. What those things are? I have no idea, but I can probably use it to not be angry and miserable as I have been over time.

Which leads me to three …

3) I can solve ‘who I am’ without medication

I’m going to tool around and try to ‘hack’ my mind. I think I have a strong mind when unclouded, and I think much of my reality was shaped due to its inconsistency and inability to stay focused.

What would I expect? The brain is a muscle that needs a specific type of workout and I have let it drift for years—as a source to claim to be creative with its randomness and originality — when it also led me astray.

Something to work on.