Even Better

April 7th, 2019

Life for me has improved.

I look back at the year and a half of misery, confusion, suicidal thoughts, etc and need to ask myself what changed to get me centered. I don’t even take any nootropics. No adderall. No drugs. Nothing.

Not even meditation.

What I do know about life is, there are “up’s and downs’…feast and famine. Normalcy and insanity. Times where life is good and when times are bad. Don’t get me wrong, these things are still happening.

The difference is the length of feast over famine …the amount of good days over bad … that I am controlling. Yup, it all circles back to ‘me’ and how I handle it all.

Let’s start with the first easy workable change: I’m working consistently.

Not exactly an IT job — more like a whole lot of grunt work — but I’m paid weekly good money. Also have a second job opportunity with another company to work with the census soon. I’ll have to drop one for the other if I decide to take it. I’m going through the application process. Jumped through a few of the usual federal application hurdles already so it looks good.

Both jobs will have me traveling. Both jobs have ups and downs to them.

But this journal entry has nothing to do with the jobs as much as how I have been handling life with these jobs and the people I work with.

As you know, I can’t stand people and that still stands.

So, the job I’m working with now has the largest collections of jerks and assholes anyone could possibly work with.

How do I manage? That, my friend, is where I reveal the good stuff.

It’s a little bit of everything I learned over the year especially during my time at Walmart. Remember that time I expressed the best way to ignore the people around me is to use my height and look above and beyond them?

The idea was if I looked above the heads of people and not AT people, I can focus on what’s important and stop worrying about who’s looking at me. Of course, it worked and over the year I’ve removed needing to have eye contact with anyone unless I need to speak directly.

As a result, i carry myself as arrogant, I’m sure. But guess what? The expression of arrogance and unapproachable works for me and it works on the job place.

I work with grown-ass men and they like to pick on one another. Stupid jokes, etc, etc. Some people are worse targets than others.

In past jobs, I would get mad and say something and create enemies or quit if people tried to label me as a target to joke on.

Quitting jobs put me in this financial hole. Then I’m looking for work. The circle goes round and round.

In order to keep a job, I had to improve how I handle people.

The trick for me is the ‘above and beyond’ routine — expressing a singular focus to do the job I am working on. No socializing. No joking around. Anti-social 100%.

It sounds terrible, but even my expression emits “If it isn’t about work, don’t fuck with me”

And it’s working.

People talk to me, immediately and on first contact, with cautious respect. Do you understand how much that means to me? To be left the fuck alone, but when they need to say something, it comes from a place of joke-free respect?

The problem up till now has been I left myself open to be non-confrontational, friendly black man. Not too unlike President Obama, who was disrespected every hour of his presidency by even high ranking leaders.

It’s a sad world — where you need to be considered a bitch/bastard to gain respect. And trust me, it’s never that people give respect that’s earned. You could be a Black president of the United States and still have another world leader NOT shake your hand in public.

Or you could be a new employee, greet people and do the job, and someone will find a need to say something smart-ass.

The focus on doing the job also provides consistent good results toward my financial needs so why the fuck would I care what anyone thinks of me if I’m just doing the job and keeping to myself?

The secret to my current success, believe it or not, has been a healthy amount of “Fuck everyone” and “leave me alone”. The results are showing in my freedom of thought and clear mind to get what’s important to me done.

Still haven’t been on Facebook in going on two years soon. I really have nothing to say to anyone — and I’m happy! Money is rolling in. I’m writing a little here and there and I have an animation project I’m eyeing at the end of the month to start.

People do suck — so let them burn.

Which kind of brings me to my wife’s grand-kids.

As you know, they were staying with us and these ghetto trap kids are about to go home soon. Thank god.

I had a recent heart-to-heart with my wife about what led up to this and how it will never happen again.

She literally blames me for saying “Yes” to allowing these brats stay here. No lie. if we talk about it, the conversation flow is always “Well, you should have said something different.”

This goes back to being the ‘non-confrontational asshole I was a year ago.

Her daughter’s third child was sick. She needed help with the other two. Where else were the kids to go? Of course I said yes. I didn’t want it. But what else could I have done?

Now I know what I could do: fuck no.

Especially if, being her husband, she’s telling me saying ‘no’ to help her family was on the table. That it even an option???

Then fine. Fuck it.

She has a son in New York. Age 22. I hear he’s fucking up. When we go to New York to drop the fuck-brats off, she will want to consider the idea of bringing her son back with us.

I was already over this and talked to her a few weeks ago and said: It can’t happen. Sorry about what your son is going through, but when we go to NY, it needs to only be us coming back home. I can’t live with another person under our roof no more.”

I said it politely. I know she’s troubled. Hell, it’s her son. I feel like a dick because it is her son.

But fuck it. No.

I hear her daughter is going though some shit, too.

Fuck it. No.

Not going to happen.

The price for being sane and happy is to be an asshole in the eyes of others.

What you are experiencing is the death of the “nice guy” and the birth of a person I never knew.

Someone happy.

Nootropic Success

August 3rd, 2018

I finally found a combination that works. A set of pills that handles energy, clarity and mood – with the right dosage for a full day, also.

It begins with Adrafinil. I established that it works.

A few months back, I documented my use of Alpha-GPC and Coluracetam. I called Coluracetam a ‘mood lightener’ that worked for a few hours and Alpha-GPC didn’t do shit. It honestly had no affect on me.

That is UNTIL it combined with Adrafinil.

Adrafnil by itself was okay, last four hours, but clarity/energy was not 100%.

Two days ago, I took all three and I was in motion. The first day, there was some sinus and headache issues but by the second day it was perfect. I guess my mind getting use to the change.

Clear headed, energy and desire to ‘do’ things when I thought about them and with a good attitude. Got a lot of chores and projects done. Wonderful stuff. I mean, on the first day of taking all three, I was stumbling over myself because my mind was racing. I was OVER thinking and doing. By day two of all three, I got better control of it and can focus on what I chose to focus on.

One of the key problems with adult ADD, depression, etc is the inability to focus on task and, often, not having the desire to do anything — then things get backed up, you feel messed up that you’re not doing anything and then the depression kicks in. But you still don’t feel like doing anything because of the cloudiness and so everything cancels out.

This mixture is killer: I feel like doing and, most importantly, accomplishing everything.

I’m getting a lot done — and it’s NOT adderall.

I’m no chemist or physicist, but I know when something is working in my body. Alpha-GPC actually works in combination with the Adrafinil. So much so, that when the combination of all three starts to fade off in four-five hours, I popped one more Alpha-GPC and that activated me for the rest of the day; as if I took all three again.

The timing is like this:

6:30 am – Take all three pills.
11-12pm – Effects start to wane. Take one (1) Alpha-GPC
8pm – effects start to wane again.

Which is fine because it’s nearing time I go to bed. Here’s something that helped me the rest of the night: L-Theanine. People take that in combo to remove an edge to the jittery effects, but I don’t recommend taking it WITH your other pills because its just going to counter-act the purpose of having energy.

So, I take it to wind down from the day of using the other pills and I slept through the night. I tried it for the first time last night and finally stopped waking up at 3am. Yeah, I have been waking up at 3am for the past few days but that’s not because of the pills I’ve been taking. It was happening before the pills.

The L-Theanine is designed to promote relaxation and it did it’s job.

I’m happy with the results over the first two days. Today is the third and I’ll journal any downsides/effects moving forward. If you are interested in trying the exact set I’m on and where I bought it, here it is:

Adrafinil 300mg – Double Wood Supplements

Alpha GPC 300mg – Amazon

Coluracetam 20mg – Health by Naturals

L-Theanine 200mg – Amazon

Adrafinil

July 31st, 2018

It’s been a good couple of weeks. My mother was nice to send a care-package of a good deal of money and I was able to to take care of a lot of pressing things. Cash is almost gone but I believe I did what was right. Saving is almost impossible.

So I bought some Adrafinil. A nootropic medicine that helps with focus, alertness and possibly depression. It’s the stuff I wanted to buy after the last selection seemed to bottom out. Technically, now that U have Adrafinil, I should try it with the Coluracetam and Alpha-GPC and check the results.

As directed, I took it this morning on an empty stomach around 6:30am. By 8am, I think I started feeling the effects. Those effects wore off by around 11am-12pm, but continued to show it’s usefulness later in the day and even now (it’s 5:50pm).

What are those effects?

Well, you know it’s always the goal to find an over-the-counter Adderall. Still, it’s not Adderall, but it’s better than not having it.

Basically, my issue is this clouded mind; unable to think straight. Focus seems to shift from one direction to another. Then of course there’s the depression. The inability to focus and think straight leads to depression when you turn around and find you can’t do shit. It would make anyone depressed.

Adderall took that cloud in my brain and washed it away; clearing that thick-clouded feeling away for pure absolute thought on any one thing I want to think about. It was great.

This stuff, Adrafinil … well, it comes close. Not a total clearing of the cloud, but I was extremely alert and allowed me to do work that I would have otherwise procrastinated about. It was like, “I need to go tot he store” so, without feeling that tired, don’t want to be bothered’ emotion, I was able to go and get the shopping done without feeling any kind of way about it. Sounds corny, I know. It’s the best way I can explain it. It’s not speed. It didn’t get me high.

But I was ‘active’. Things I wanted to get done, I did. Things I needed to say to people, I did.

Whereas the Coluracetam was a mood lightener — Adrafinil was a “stop being a lazy bastard” motivator with an ounce of clarity. But it was a strange clarity. That’s why I always compare things to Adderall. With Adderall, I saw EVERYTHING and soaked it in.

With Adrafinil, I still felt a bit clouded but the best way to picture it is: you have a clouded mind, right? Then only a portion of it is clear depending on where you are focusing. Not 100% but just enough for whatever you’re doing. Backed with a sense of energy.

But when it wore off, I knew it. I was yawning. I was getting annoyed with everyone around me whereas I was extremely tolerant for the four-five hours prior.

No headaches. No issues. At least not for me. My wife took it and it wore off about the same time, but she claimed not to have any further clarity at all.

Since I’m the trouble case, my eval is of more priority than her’s.

I still want my hands on Adderall, but I think I’m finding my right Nootropic setup.

Tomorrow, I’ll try the collection:

One (1) Adrafinil
One (1) Coluracetam
One (1) Alpha-GPC

I’ll report how the day went. I still have the L-Theanine, but I think that’s more of a counter-active med to prevent any jitters.

Side Effects

June 24th, 2018

I’m going to do a full stop of all nootropic pills. I woke up this morning with a sense of reason behind my extraordinary sleepiness.lately. Additionally, there is another issue: my hand is still moderately swollen and it’s somewhat extended up my right arm with a little joint pain.

Not just me. My wife as well. She, too, has been sampling the medicine I purchased and she has been complaining about her right arm as well.

Yesterday I went to Six Flags Over Georgia with my daughter and it seemed like I couldn’t stay awake. I took off the day prior. I slept well into the morning before I went to the park. Spent half the day there: 12 noon to about 6:30pm. Got home and slept till 10pm, got up ate, and went back to sleep till this morning.

I did take Coluracetam before I left for the park — maybe to kind of try to find some usefulness out of it. Plus I wanted a lighter mood being around so many people. God, people are doomed. Never so many disrespectful lost human beings in my life. Another observational complaint for another time. safe to say the pill did its job to get me comfortably through the day without wanting to kill someone. People are ruined.

Anyway, I was thinking it was my work hours and me just getting older. But I worked longer hours at Walmart doing heavier pallets of work and I was not this sleepy.

Now, about my hand. I don’t have a clue how it got injured or when it exactly happened, but the rest of my arm isn’t in the best shape either. Hard to do pushups. Hard to close my hand to grab anything.

No insurance so I can’t get it checked out. The temp agency is offering something for me but I barely make any money as it is already for them to take more out for insurance. Then, of course, the child support as you know. I’m fairly broke every week.

The only change that I know of is my use of that Coluracetam because it did ‘something’ positive. The other stuff I don’t use much because it failed to work. Including the Caffeine pill.

But if it seems like it is affecting my wife (arm pain suddenly she can’t explain), then I have to put that stuff away.

is she sleepy all the time? Well, she works 12-hour shifts, put on a little weight (as wives ALWAYS do damn it. Haven’t had a wife yet that didn’t get fat once they got married. It’s disgusting. I hate it — but silence keeps the peace). So the weight and her hours make her tired. Hard to associate the pills with that for her.

So, here’s what will happen: all stop on all meds. Detox for the next couple of days/weeks and see if we return to normal.

The problem with many nootropic supplements is that they are not FDA tested nor have years of studying behind them for solid results. You take chances, figure things out for yourself and make wise decisions.

My wise decision is to pull out before anything gets worse. You can tell me that this stuff has nothing to do with my hand, arm, and exhaustion — but my physiology isn’t yours and yours isn’t mine. For instance, marijuana doesn’t get me high and I tried supposedly bad to expensively good versions of the stuff. Felt nothing. Since I never know where to get the stuff, I depend on whomever I am with to give me a sample. My friend will get some sort of high but I won’t.

Sad, actually. I wish I could get high. Well, at one point in my life I wish I did. Right now, it’s all about school and I don’t want that kind of lifestyle to interfere. So maybe I’m luckier than I thought. Or, to quote from a previous journal entry: slotted for life to not be addicted to things, unable to get high — to have clarity of thought for something.

Still, working out what that something is. Apparently has something to do with education and likely law.

Nootropic Update

June 19th, 2018

I can’t say — yet — that anything I’ve been taking has been truly effective. I have been sleeping a lot, even with a caffeine pill and that’s bizarre. I’m not with a cloudy head and feel like my thinking is foggy…which is good, but it feels like my body is working overtime to do things, making me sleepy.

Maybe working overtime to keep the fog away. So on the upside, a weak form of clarity has happened. I say weak because unlike Adderall, the stuff I’m taking isn’t allowing me to retain information — just receptive to be aware of the information. Even as I type this, I have been making A LOT of spelling errors. A little more than usual that I have to go back and correct.

It’s only been less than 24-hours so I won’t call it a failed experiment just yet. I go to work today so we’ll see how that plays out. Right now, I’m, tired. I took only two pills… no three, today. The coluracetam and the alpha-gpc. That was around 4am. I went back to sleep after studying around 6:30am.

I woke up… a little groggy so took the caffeine pill and a cup of coffee with breakfast. Guess what? I could go back to sleep. I got to see what that’s all about. I have long since said that ‘heavy thinking’ and stress can wear a person down. Maybe I’m stressed and I don’t realize it. Consciously, I feel these are the best days of my life with school and such. Of course, I need a better job but that’s why I’m studying extra hard on the A+ Certification process.

This week I’m ordering that other pill, Adrafinil. Reports say that it comes closer to the effects of Adderall so we shall see. As it stands now, only the Coluracetam does a modest job of making me ‘work’ or desire to be productive. The Alpha-GPC? I think it’s just sugar pills, honestly.

Nootropics 2

June 18th, 2018

Well, after an extended USPS delay for those pills to arrive, they finally got here. The United States Postal Service sucks more than ever these days. Even as we speak, my Amazon account still reflects as “Out for delivery”. I truly look forward to the death of the postal service as we know it.

So, I got the set:

Coluracetam, L-Theanine, Caffeine pill and Alpha-GPC as part of this stacking process. It’s 6:11PM, I took all four at 6:00PM and I’ll monitor the results.

Just in time. I took off today to focus exclusively on homework and studying for the A+ Certification. All of which I accomplished much of the day WITHOUT the extra meds — but going into the evening, I could hope for a boost in focus and clarity.

9:32PM Update:

I’m exhausted. Between 7pm and just about an hour ago, I was actually pumped and my mind was a little overflowing. My eyes had that usual caffeine’eyes open wide’ feeling but it faded. I feel like I’m crashing and I wanted to stay up longer to do more studying. The odd thing is, I had a red bull a few hours prior to taking the pills and at least two ½ cups of coffee earlier in the day and what was left of a five-hour energy drink. So, by all accounts either I should be DEAD or, at the very least, wide ass awake.

Instead, I’m dreadfully sleepy and that might mean something else is going on.

I’m going to bed and get up early to resume the study.

Wish to hell I knew why I’m so damn tired after taking all of those things. Maybe next time I’ll leave off the L-Theanine, which is supposed to be a relaxing agent. But, taken with the other stuff, it was supposed to even me out. It’s doing way too much maybe?

All a learning process. Goodnight.

Nootropics

June 14th, 2018

I left work early yesterday because I hate working with lazy idiots. I didn’t quit, I just left 8 hours early to come home and went to sleep till this morning. Naturally, I’m well rested. No need to rant about the job: just stupid lazy people expect me to do the work they fuck up and I had enough. I go in today expecting the place to still be a mess. I’m learning not to do an excellent job and just do a small job.

I’m not hard-wired to do ‘less’ at work, believe it or not. But this job pushes you into a corner to do less because everyone else is doing less. You’ll end up being the fuck that does everyone’s work if you don’t scale back.

Schoolwork is getting serious. Next month I have algebra. Nuff said. I’m still doing well. It’s just a study of knowing how to play the game that instructors will grade well on. Little petty things are going on with details on writing reports that affect my grades, but nothing serious to rant here about. I’m still getting A-averages. I’m happy.

So what’s going on? Nootropics. The best way to discuss this is breaking down what I want, what I’ve tried and what I will try. My discussion of the use of Nootropics and other legal pharmaceuticals will be the best reviews you’ll ever get. I don’t get free samples. I pay for them myself and I have serious issues that can help me understand if it’s working or not: depression and cloudy attention deficit issues. If something works or doesn’t work, I’ll let you know without a company backing me for a false report. besides, to my knowledge, nobody gives a fuck what I write anyway.

What I Want:

The effects of Adderall.

With Adderall, you can see the moon and stars. The whole universe opens up to you and you can hear a cricket talking about your mother from a mile away while you’re doing your homework and other chores. It’s not so much about giving you energy as it gives clarity. I can focus on one thing with pure sensibility without cloudiness. If you read anything in my journal here is that I used to have a prescription, STILL couldn’t get Adderall because pharmacies are assholes and now I don’t have insurance and no means of getting another prescription anyway.

There are underground options to get Adderall, but do I feel comfortable with sending my money internationally? No. Do I feel comfortable canvassing college campuses for someone selling it? No. For someone who doesn’t commonly buy ‘drugs’ from a street corner or otherwise, my conscience isn’t really warm and fuzzy about getting Adderall from dark means. That also underscores how I am NOT an addicted fiend to get my hands on the stuff. If I were, I wouldn’t give a fuck.

That said, I want the clarity back. Which leads me to …

What I’ve Tried

With the idea that I’m looking for clarity, which can translate to ‘energy’ (though energy isn’t what I don’t need in itself) — clear thinking and the ‘desire’ to do things accents a form of ‘energy’— I’ve been forced to utilize off the shelf things:

NoDoz – Keeps you WIDE awake. Like eyelids propped up with pins. Pros: Keeps you up. Cons: You will crash with sleep harder than ever. Practically for every pill you take is a day of sleep you’ll get when you come off of it.

5 Hour Energy – Just keeps you awake with a 1% clarity effect. Pros: Keeps you working. No crashing effect. Cons: No enhanced clarity. I’ve noticed certain flavors actually causes aggression! Orange flavor fucked me up badly. No lie. I would look into further — but It’s a strong pissed off feeling I hated repeating.

Red Bull – Again, keeps you moving or awake to keep working. Pros: Same as the rest. Just keeps you working. Cons: taste is annoying.

Adderall – The wonder drug. Clarity 100% Pros: You can speak to God. For me, non-addictive. Not always the case for others. Cons: wears off later int he day and your body adapts to it after a few days. You have to come off a few days and get back on to feel the benefits. Not off the shelf, unfortunately.

* For the record, if you get your hands on Adderall, you need to try it with Red Bull. If talking to God happens with Adderall alone, with Red Bull you can create a new galaxy in six days and rest on the seventh.

(Recently) Coluracetam – Okay, so let’s talk about this stuff. In a nutshell, it’s supposed to be stuff used for Alzheimer’s, failed to be FDA certified, bought by another company and repurposed to help cognitive failings. I read up on it on a few websites, it was a cheap purchase from a site that turned out to be honest (https://healthbynaturals.com/). Got it in two days and used one pill day one.

So, at least for me, what it does is lift my mood. as you know from reading my journal, I can be a snarly bastard that hates everyone. I took the pill on the way to work after I got it in the mail. I was hungry, already pissed that I had to go to the damn job anyway and safe to say not in a good mood.

Thirty-forty minutes after taking the pill, I found myself ‘not angry’ and focused on doing the job I had to do and ignored the fuckery around me. Even said hello willingly to a few people. THAT is not typically me, so I knew the pill did something.

That was maybe three-four days ago. Since then, I’ve taken the pill in variant times and come to the conclusion, three pills a day (morning, late afternoon and later evening) is just fine to keep the momentum going. I already notice my body adapting to the pill after daily use so pauses in between might need to be scheduled.

Pros: It’s a mood lightener. I’m less ornery about it and busy with whatever tasks; especially schoolwork. It’s not so much giving ‘clarity’ — like I can unravel the mysteries of science like I did with Adderall, but it gives me a less depressed feeling. Since I do have issues with depression, that’s a benefit I can’t overlook even if it doesn’t give clarity.

Cons: There is a metallic taste I’ve been getting since the first one. Over time, my tastebuds were funny. Like foods and simple things like water just tasted funny. Not bad, but almost tasteless. Also, it wears off in a few hours (like 3-4).

I did some research online and found that this stuff is best stacked with other stuff, so that leads me to …

What I Will Try

I’ve done a little research and stacking Coluracetam with other things creates a dynamic package of performance enhancement in the mind. Based on a recommendation from this site (https://www.livecortex.com/2-powerful-coluracetam-nootropic-stacks-1-sublingual/) I recently ordered the following:

20 MG Sublingual Coluracetam
100MG Alpha GPC
200MG Caffeine
300MG L-Theanine

Ordered the other three from Amazon and they are expected to arrive on Saturday.

I get the caffeine pill. It might as well be NoDoz. I read the Theanine counter-acts the Caffeine. Not sure about the Alpha GPC.

The next thing I’m looking into will be something called Adrafinil which is supposed to be a low dose version of Adderall, but we shall see. I know Adderall and that’s a mighty assessment.

Naturally, I’ll write my full assessment of the pills when they get here. I’m off from work Saturday so I’ll be here to receive them.

In fact, I even thought about going to Archery on Saturday.

No matter how you spin it, looks like ‘something’ is working.

Oh yeah…one other thing: I ordered my first acoustic guitar.

Yeah. Something is working.

Tired

June 13th, 2018

Quite a few good things are happening. An experiment I’m working on has shown results, my credit score is getting higher and I was invited to join an IT fraternity because of my GPA. Also got a new credit card so I can play my ‘game of credit’ routine to enhance my credit score even further.

The problem is I’m just too damn tired to write it down right now. 9-10 hour shifts, six days a week, getting home, on average around 2:30am every night. Plus hammering out schoolwork. Most days, I just have enough to push out classwork.

At the same time, I have a bunch of things I wanted to document here. Especially about that frat thing. I have to fill out an application. What’s on the application? Listing organizations I’m part of. What did I tell you months ago that I KNEW would be important to be part of but I failed to join anything because I hate people? Organizations.

Anyway, this segues into the stuff I’m too tired to chat about that I’ve been experimenting with: nootropics. Not quite Adderall. Not quite gingko biloba.

Just too damn tired right now. Another day. This doesn’t reflect on my use of any nootropics, though. The stuff I’m taking (

Coluracetam) doesn’t necessarily enhance energy. For now, let’s call it a ‘mood lightener’ and surprisingly works. I’ve scouted around and found out about other things I can take with it (called stacking) that would also enhance the energy levels.

Not sure I want more energy to sweep fucking floors. But I’m getting around 490-550 a week. I shan’t bitch no more.