February 28th, 2018

After sitting here drinking brandy all day and considering a bunch of benadryl with it, I had an alternate idea after the drinking put me to sleep again.

I have demons telling me things. Telling me negative things about myself. Seriously. A voice in my head hating everything I say, do, am. I don’t finish things because I think I’m going to fail. That no one will read or like the work that I do. Calling me a failure for not reaching my film career while everyone else is passing me by. Failed at a writing career. Failed at being a father. Failed at being a husband. Failed, failed, failed. A darkness that just hovers over me and I just don’t want to do anything but slit my fucking throat and get it over with. Ugly, penetrating demons.

Maybe I literally have to exercise demons out of me. 

Hell, I’m unemployed still. Why not. 

So, I did some digging around online and ultimately put together a three-week program for myself that mostly encompasses eating a lot of meals, sit ups, push ups and treadmill. The regular push ups are familiar to me from my military days. You can get a satisfactory workout with just those few things. 

Since I have trouble committing to anything right now, I figure the three weeks I’m giving myself will be enough to see if I can manage it and it’s low profile enough without spending money I don’t have on stuff I might not use. Like creatine, MCT and other shit that’s expensive extras to working out.

I found some diet that Dwayne Johnson is known to eating (Fucking 6-7 meals a day!!!). I adapted it slightly to fit what I had available and I’ll just go for it. 

The idea is to push myself out of killing myself. 

Because these past few weeks have been dark. And I don’t even like to drink! But here I am, drinking myself to sleep mid-day and wanting to slash my wrists.

Somehow, through the bleakness, my brain gave an idea to start working out — apparently trying to salvage itself.

So, I start this evening and full into it tomorrow. If I haven’t much to say in this journal, at the very least, I’ll cover how my mental state is during the workouts. I’ll post what this workout is after three weeks — once I see if I can navigate it myself first.

Current state of mind: hopeful.

Even  took a ‘before’ picture of myself. We’ll see how this ‘works out’ lol. Pun intended.