New Direction

February 5th 2019

My last day of class was in December. I think I documented how miserable my GPA was becoming and trouble with the math class. Since then, I set school aside and went on a temporary hiatus. Recently, I made arrangements to go back to class in June/2019. It’s February 2019.

As of this moment, I have two or three jobs: something came through recently part time overnight permanent at FedEx. The rest are my usual daytime tech support jobs that pay more. I’ll be able to do both jobs while the overnight job is ongoing. At least I’ll get a regular paycheck.

These jobs will pay for someone to pass the math classes when they come around again. There’s no more back and forth over the subject. Cheating works and moves life forward.

In a world of cheaters, the honest man is the victim.

The path i’m trying to walk now is that of control.

I still hate people. People fail me every time.

But I have to work with them and learn to be less confrontational regardless of the things people say and do to me. I’ve given up asking why I am a target — even considering that maybe I just ‘think’ I’m a target, but with proven evidence that I am from time to time — and doing what I can to keep my head up silently.

It’s back to basics.

Make money. Save money. Finalize all plans.

Straight A’s

June 26th, 2018

This is just from the one class I am in. I have two classes this month and the grades look the same. This is the stuff I am proud of these days. I remember a few years back I felt and considered myself stupid with my lack of success in the things I’ve attempted. Mostly art pursuits like writing.

An interesting thing about academia. I’ve said it before in the journal. The identification of intelligence is often appreciated when certified by an authority or a school. Until you have logged, charted and written ‘approval’ of your intelligence from a school— or certified by a greater number of people — people usually don’t think much of you. When you are in a field that requires people to acknowledge your art, it’s hard when no one sees you. Then you start turning in on yourself — feeling worthless. No matter what people say, if you are an artist, the need for an audience is the only love you do it for. The heart searches for SOMEONE to love what you do.

If not, try doing some art and NEVER asking anyone to see it. See how long that lasts.

Sure, my grades show I am intelligent, but wasn’t I intelligent when I was looking for a good paying job? Or when I wrote my novel(s)?

Granted, big differences between book smart and artistic — but I’ve proven equally solid artistic skills but still ignored. No bad, good or indifferent reviews. Just invisible.

That blends into the “who you know” and marketing oneself discussion and I don’t know anyone — and I don’t know how to sell myself.

So, grades will hopefully do the speaking for me.

Deep Thoughts

June 16th, 2018

Yesterday, I helped someone who’s car battery was dead. I had the wires to help jump his car and I was happy to do it. I’m often available to help people, oddly enough. As much as I can’t stand people, I haven’t turned from someone in need. It’s “working with” people that sucks ass.

But my misanthropic views of asshole people isn’t the topic of the day. I thought I would record something I always knew about life and where we stood in it. Some of these thoughts are clear in the progress of this entire journal: our life’s purpose and the things we WANT and LOVE aren’t always the things we are MEANT to DO and BE. I love writing and filmmaking. I struggled to be a writer and filmmaker. I hate the educational system and law. All of that is flowing easily for me. Almost serendipitously. Therefore, I am a round peg fit into a round slot that I have mentally and physically fought for years against. Film and writing was the wrong slot, though I still want it.

You’ve heard me comment on this throughout the journal and nothing has changed to prove me wrong. You can keep doing what you love, and if you are being hammered at every turn to make it work, and still keep hammering and nothing is working — people tend to keep saying “keep trying. Never give up”, while nothing still seems to make it work —- thats a problem.

Then, of course, you have people who fit perfectly: they love what they do, it all comes easy, and opportunities flow into their lap without any effort even though it will be said they “worked hard”. No, the man fighting uphill to get his dreams is working hard. Against the grain of what he or she was slotted for and still not winning.

In a nutshell: there is a purpose for the life you have. Something you are supposed to do and be — do those things and universal order will put it in your path to make sure you obtain it. Guaranteed.

Now, added to that is WHERE you are supposed to be. This totally goes against my rejection of people, but I’ve come to this conclusion before each time I help someone. It’s a mindbending examination of what you’re supposed to be doing, where you are supposed to be and time.

An example: You wake up, get ready for work, eat breakfast, drive to work, get into the office, sit, do whatever work you’re supposed to do, get up to go to lunch, cross the street to the cafe, sit at the cafe, eat your food, throw out your garbage, hold the door for someone on your way out, cross the street to go to work and a car smashes into the front of your building jumping the curve, hitting three people. In your mind, anyone of those people could have been you if you did any one of these things:

Woke up earlier.
Ate breakfast earlier.
Got to work earlier
Ate lunch earlier
Crossed the street earlier

You avoided getting killed because of a set sequence of time that you had no control of. Sped up your steps at any time could have connected that accident with you.

So, you’re saying I’m crazy and it’s a random event and you’re just blessed to not have been in that accident.

I ask you this: so, the people that got killed “weren’t blessed?”

I’m ‘enough’ of a Christian to believe in blessings, but I also like to tear down the logic of things. The example above has multiple timing events that go without saying:

The driver that hit the people could have been a senior that lost control of the car. What was his schedule and life’s events that led up to this? How many warnings was he or she given that could have prevented this? How many warnings did he or she ignore?

The people that got hit also had schedules of time they were on. Individual things that slowed down or sped up where they had to or wanted to be.

With all those factors at play, we just throw our hands up to call things random because we don’t want to think it through. What? Am I saying we can foresee our future to avoid tragedy?

No. Not at all.

But, we all have a voice that speaks to us. Some stronger than others, that aligns us with the path we should be going. Take a drug user. He wakes up and needs to go see a drug pusher for his daily fix. I am certain, there is a voice speaking to him in his consciousness that is telling him — or making him feel — “I shouldn’t go out this day” (if not anymore). The free will of us and desire to get that ‘drug’ overpowers that voice and he goes to the drug den where he gets shot and killed. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He could have avoided it.

My example above would have to assume each person had a voice they listened to, but suffice to say, they didn’t listen to except for the main person in the example.

Aside from hunger, the voice in the example could have been the person waking up and getting out of bed on time — urging him to get going and not be late. For no other reason than to be diligent as opposed to other days where he or she is slacking — dragging to get to work. Today, he or she is urged to keep it moving. At work, do his or her job and the urge to eat ‘at this time’. Not later. Not earlier. Right now. Don’t stop, keep moving to the next thing. Eat, throw out your garbage. Don’t hurry. Don’t waste time. Cross the street… and he/she misses the accident.

For the others that did get hit: their voices could have urged them to keep a schedule and they denied it. They dragged their heels. They hurried when they should have slowed down. They all caught up with a time and a place that connected with a senior citizen that was told by others and his/her own conscience to stop driving because you’re too old. The senior citizen ignored it and thus consequences.

Do I believe we are slotted to die, as in, those three people were MEANT to die at that place in that fashion? That appointed time, those three were to be where they had to be so they can get hit by a car? Here’s where logic continues to play itself out by asking another question:

Are we born just to die violently?

I don’t think so.

Could we be born to die by cancer or any of the millions of diseases? Like a baby born today and dies a month later from something out of our control?

It happens and ‘why’ is a hard answer to reach. So we back up time again: were the parents SUPPOSED to have children? Were there voices at play that said ‘we shouldn’t”. Were there countless attempts to have a child, and it never happened — then they kept trying and finally had one — then later that child dies (disease, accident, any age)? Looking at life that closely makes you start questioning was the child SUPPOSED to exist in the first place.

Something you can’t answer. But based on my theories, if there is a struggle to have a child and you have one, then the child dies at some point early— based on my theory, there is no foundation that supports the existence of the child. No plotted ground for them to really keep moving forward. They live, do things they think they want to do or be, and then, out of step for a universally planned future to be someone, do something or connect with others — they die young, or die old unfulfilled.

Then you have people that give birth to a child out of wedlock, or by rape — then they go on to be world leaders or scientists. By choice or slotted by life to ‘be’?

Going back to this guy I helped: I had a good feeling to get out of the house, go to the store for my wife and was hungry right at that time. With a few choices to make, I felt I should go to the Waffle House, park the car with intentions of ordering my food, crossing the street and going to the store for my wife.

As I parked the car at Waffle House, I met a young kid that needed his battery jumped.

He must have been out there for a little bit. No one was able (or wanted to) help him. But I happened to have my charger cables and helped him out.

A lot of events led up to me having the charger cables in the car — that could conceivably lead up to this day to help this young man onto whatever purpose he had. But that’s a long and extra trip. Suffice to say, I had battery issues with this car for the longest and swore never to drive without cables again.

But today, I was up, out of the house and had to be somewhere — comfortably. Not a rush. Just instinctively had to keep it moving and that’s when I came to help this young man. Any other day, I would NEVER be at the Waffle House.

Coincidence? Random meeting? It’s easier on our brains to think that.

And to just sum it up as “I was supposed to be there” isn’t enough either.

The connectivity to the consciousness we hear — that little voice — the urges we get to adjust to time and space to be ‘where we are supposed to be’ cumulates depending on what we ignore, who we are and what we are doing. I think it even extends to what we are supposed to or not supposed to eat as well.

I know, it’s a lot of thinking this morning. But If I’m right, I don’t really think the term “it was his time to go” is how this thing called life and death works. I’m beginning to believe we have the ability to live a very long time — provided we listen to how to live. From my example above, it wasn’t that it was their time to die in that accident, it’s more like “they did not have to be involved in that accident if they listened to —-” what? A bio-alarm system? A bio-time adjustment recommendation?

Or were they part of the born pointlessly and could die any day theory? No, that sounds too cruel.

Way too many variables so I have to stick with the guarantees: we have a voice/feeling that adjusts us to where we should be in time and space should we choose to listen to it. Helps us adjust to WHO and WHAT we should be in life as well. I rejected that voice on my desire to be a filmmaker when I got hints of law through many aspects of my life. Not just now. I listened to that urging to get out of the house yesterday and was there for that young man.

It’s just a matter of working that conscience muscle further.

No Way To Live

April 16th, 2018

How do I even begin?

I signed up for this “no pay” school to study Computer Science. It’s one of those current “Study now and when you get a job, we’ll deduct your tuition later” things. LambdaSchool to be exact.

Basically, you spend time doing the online course as a preliminary, you schedule an interview to see if they want you in the course and they make a decision.

So I get the phone call for the interview. The first thing she wants to know if I plan to put AIU on hold in favor of doing the six-month course with LambdaSchool.

I said “No”, but I plan to succeed as I am currently with AIU.

First thing out of her mouth is, “I don’t think you can do both LambdaSchool and AIU at the same time.”

I tell her the time at AIU is flexible, which it is and compare her asking me to quit AIU to asking me to quit a full-time job. My current situation allows me a lot of time and no matter what schedule she gives me, I can accomplish both.

She wasn’t hearing me, telling me it was impossible. Meanwhile, if I had a job, I wouldn’t technically have time for any of it, but would you ask me to quit my job?

In the end, she said she’ll submit it to admissions and give a decision later. which really means she will deny me. Before we hung up, I asked her not to swing the vote by her feelings on the matter — that not everyone works the same way. She claims no one who is the program is also going to a fulltime school. I suggested maybe they lied.

Anyway, I expect to be declined. If I’m accepted, it will be because someone might call her out on her assholism and it already left a bad taste in my mouth and I’m likely to decline them.

This is exactly why the earliest part of my life was spent learning things on my own. or why I stopped trying to submit my writing to agents. Dealing with gatekeeping fuckers burns me every time. Every. Fucking. Time. I don’t sell myself well because I strip ANY resemblance of begging the next person to “choose me”. Here are my qualifications. If you don’t like them … move on.

This is yet another example of my hate for begging. You know that bitch is going to slant her opinion to the decision, without knowing me. What she does know of me now has I rejected her assessment.

The whole purpose of going to this extra programming course was to achieve a certificate in computer science and get job placement sooner than the three years it will take to get a bachelors from AIU.

I’m mad.

I’m mad that I allowed myself to think the playing field would be fair.

I have MONUMENTAL amounts of free time to probably work two jobs if I can find them PLUS continue to maintain the current GPA. Even with the ONE I had, I still did well and that was full time.

So fine, I’m not working right now, so I have time to take this course and this bitch is telling me It’s impossible? Impossible for her so it must be impossible for me.

This experience is yet another “hating people” moment brought to you by assholes you have to beg for things from. I’m struggling with the concept of dealing with Assholes. I just can’t live that way … nor can I live THIS way unable to deal with people.

This is what I have to look forward to going back to work? Only to get fired because I have to tell someone I can do the work when THEY think I can’t? Or get fired from a job because I call them out on being assholes? Or allow people to just talk or say anything they want in order to keep a job?

Oh, and fucking guess what I just got in the email. I mean, exactly right now. Like God was soothing me for going through this hassle with a cunt. This is my second one. Look at what’s deemed impossible. Fuck Lambda School. I’ll be fine without them.

Writing For Others or Me?

March 20th 2018

I’ve been writing much of this time. A novella series and it’s about ready to roll out the first of every month. I’ve written an overview of the next few months of stories (twelve months of stories expected). One a month starting April.

I’ve done all my usual writing due diligence: effectively told a solid story, checking for grammar and spelling errors. Kept the work under 13,000 words. Satisfying cliffhanger to keep the stories rolling. Keep readers interested.

So what’s wrong? Well, nothing really. Here’s where I have to divide myself compared to the author I used to be.

As you can see, my college pursuit is still going strong. I’m very proud of the Presidential Award. Very proud. When I started all of this, I promised to focus on the school work. The creative work wasn’t working. But, as you can also see, I am naturally drawn to writing. It’s who I am.

The problem in the earlier years of writing, I was constantly frustrated that I couldn’t get anyone to review my work. I didn’t then … and I don’t now … have the money for marketing. As you know, I am not ‘social’ enough to work the social networks.

The last novel couldn’t get anyone to review my book — no matter how many ‘query’ letters and emails I submitted to reviewers. Either rejected or no response.

The book before that did get reviews, but not enough. They were all positive and great reviews, but it just couldn’t get to enough people. To this day, it’s just 9 reviews — but when I gave it away free, there were thousands downloaded. The numbers don’t add up.

This morning, I’m poking around to find places to submit the first book of this series for a review and I’ve decided to to stop.

I think what’s bothering me is the arrogance of these reviewer sites. Send a query letter for the privilege of having them read my work. When last checked, these reviewer sites are nobody of influence. People I know that do read books don’t read their site. Mostly just the same authors they review visit them.

My point is, I can’t go crazy pandering for reviews anymore. It comes dangerously close to me ‘begging’ some nobody indie website to ‘please read my work’ only to give them license to yay or nay my book before it even gets to actual readers.

Again, my hate for people’s idiocy can’t justify begging to another human being to read and review what I write. Still, it’s the ‘point’ … creative seeking approval of others for his or her art. It’s why we post things. Showcase our work, etc.

Am I writing for others or am I writing for me? The answer is complex, but I can say I am writing for me to keep myself sane — with the hopes someone(s) will like my work along the way. What gets me is I have been a proven, well-reviewed author just not enough reviews and I don’t understand that.

So, to keep things balanced since I’m essentially writing for my own psychological expression and creative release — I’ve chosen one service that doesn’t seem to put the author through pathetic hoops to jump and will submit a finished version to them, keep my head down and just keep writing. If reviews come by readers, great. I’m done chasing it because, yes, I’m done with people but getting approval from others wastes time when I should be solidifying the work itself.

Do I worry that I will not get any new readers without connecting to social sources? Yes, but I don’t beg. The course of action now is about intrinsic gravitation. The readership will come if I keep writing. Need an example?

You’re reading this journal … right now.

Days of Blah

January 15th 2018

What’s going on are those middle days of life where there’s simply nothing going on. ‘Nothing’ meaning, nothing dramatic. No drama. No excitement. Not really depressed. Not really jumping for joy. Just… nothing.

These are the days where the focus to stay on task is more important than ever. These are the kind of days that usually get people in trouble. You see, in the absence of ‘fun, excitement, something to do’, people tend to get into ‘trouble’ and ruin the things that matter most.

With my anti-social ‘thing’, I get into a whole lot less of trouble than most people. At the same time, I find my days boring and just passing by under most everyone’s radars. I think, when I do think of Walmart, that’s the thing I missed the most. I think I’m going to honestly say ‘I miss human interaction’, but I’m not sure that’s it exactly. No, that’s not what I miss at all. Sometimes the ‘eye-candy’ of the women that come to the store or work there. That’s always a treat.

What’s missing was my sense of purpose. I went there with a purpose to ‘own my departments’ and it was abruptly cut off.

So, to replace it, I dug deeper into schoolwork — but I mentioned earlier that it’s coming to easy. I do it, finish it, get a good grade. I’m sticking with it — just I’m bored with it.

To fill the gap of being ‘purposeful’, I started that ‘project’. The problem with the ‘project’ is I’m venturing into unknown territory in a field I’ve read about but I don’t have any experience in. Most of the time, I’m working on this thing with very little confidence that I’ll succeed. Then I get into this feeling “Well, I HAVE to succeed because I’m unemployed and even if I get another job, how long will I hold it?”

When you’re home, letting days go by silently, with all day long to ‘think’, that in itself can lead to another kind of trouble. I am doing my best to fight off constant depression. So far… so good.

There is an audio book I recently finished listening to: The Confidence Gap – A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris.

I’ve listened to quite a few variations of self-help books to build confidence. This one has to be the most useful to date. At least to me. I think all self-help inner building processes are like medication: some work for a few. Some don’t work at all. It all depends on the individual and we’re all different.

This book helped over these past few days. Very insightful and focused on a method called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). In brief, it’s about acknowledging the problems and moving into the situation rather than away from it. For instance, if you want to speak in front of people but you’re afraid of doing so, starting small, speak to small groups and keep at it recognizing that you are fearful but build with each talk until you will look confident, which will eventually ‘be’ confident.

Put in my own perspective, it confirms what I started out trying to do: join Toastmasters, learn to speak in front of others — but failed to do. I know I let my mind talk me out of going to meetings.

Funny thing, I haven’t an issue with speaking in front of people. I can do so in large crowds for sure. At least with a ready script to read from. My issue is ‘people’ in general and I’m trying to see how this book can figure into my ongoing hate of the next human being. Because it’s not really fear. This isn’t a case of fearing the things you hate. It’s just absolute, resolved, burning hate. No particular race at all.

Even now, I’m holding back the desire to write a full thesis about ‘why’ I hate people. I won’t waste the digital space, but it’s tempting.

Suffice to say, it’s a problem that will get me complacent. I’ll end up doing what I’m doing right now — be totally cut off from everyone; gaining zero connectivity to the world.

So, in harmony with ACT, I’m acknowledging my hate; dislike for meeting people, and planning to do something about it. Toastmasters? Maybe. Archery? Maybe. Any of those other lodges and clubs I said I would join? Maybe. Gotta start small, right?

It’s just that people prove me right every time: stupid, vile, narcissistic, lying judgmental scum you can never trust. Always seeking to impose an ‘alpha’ position in conversation, position, whatever. When I don’t acknowledge or give a fuck about their attempt to be ‘an alpha’, I’m the odd-man out and need to go.

See? I’m all too ready to curse the next human. I’m a ball of ready anger in that regard.

I need it to go away. This anger. This hate.

Sigh.

In regards to my ‘project’, I have to say I’ve made a few positive moves in the right direction; building my confidence along the way that I might actually know what I’m doing. if I didn’t start this project, believing that I had to wait till I knew what I was doing, I would never have started it. Thus, the process of ACT.

In regards to my dealing with people, I have to do the same thing.

In the book, the author asked the reader to write down the top six values that mean a lot to me. These values (out of the fifty eight recommended) are the things that I ‘want’ to be and that mean a lot to me. I ended up having quite a few values that, in my opinion, I already have an perform. NONE of them, you might say, were values that brought me any closer to human appreciation. For instance, one value was ‘conformity’ and, of course, that’s NOT a value I think is important to me.Nether was acceptance, cooperation or equality.

I had a feeling that, to get the benefits of this book, I had to work on values that I ‘wanted’; not what I had and actually performed, but those that I wanted but had trouble performing. Acceptance WAS NOT something I wanted, so I’ll skip that. But these were the ones that I did want but didn’t have:

Excitement, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Patience, Power, Self-Control.

I have to re-visit what it each means in context of being a ‘value’, but I felt these were the ones that resonated with me that I would have trouble fulfilling. I am not excited about hings, I can’t forgive people — least of all myself. I never feel free. I’m not a fun person to be around. I have very little patience. I have no power over anyone or myself and of course my self-control is shaky at best.

There were others, like ‘compassion’. I have that for my kids. I occasionally have it for others. Depending on the circumstance. It’s not something I want to work on. Open compassion for ‘everyone’ just triggers why I hate everyone.

Ultimately, this list made me feel how dreadfully troll-ish I am; re-surfacing a kind of depression that wants me to stay indoors away from people.

Something I cannot do. I have to do better.

There are fifty-eight values on this list I have. Maybe, during my attempt to value my top seven, I should try to include one of each along the way. Hell, at least I have a template on how to be ‘better’. Fifty-eight values that would, conceivably, make me a better human being if I genuinely acted on them. As the book suggests, the acting on them is the first thing — followed by the genuine. If I waited to be actually genuine about, say, caring for others, I wouldn’t do it at all.

That Social-Thing Again

December 14th 2017

So, I went to the observation class … and you guessed it … that churning annoyance overwhelmed me: Do I really want to be in an environment with other people? Least of all, being touched by another person. Cause, without a doubt, if you’re going to learn a martial art, it’s a contact sport and like Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

My personal “punch in the face” is the reality that I don’t want to be around anyone. Also, I see I have an anger that isn’t appropriate for ‘sparring’. Which is why I never liked play fighting while growing up. A rage thing that understands the only reason to fight someone is to hospitalize the opponent. People with better control are apt to sparring and play fighting better than I could.

So that defeats my desires to study a martial art and I was fairly upset about it last night. I sat there cringing: the idea of needing to “pair up” with a partner … practice forms — “team up” and “work with your partner” … vile concepts that made me want to throw up.

Yeah. That’s the POINT of studying a martial art. You can’t study alone in some mountain top without knowing the feeling of throwing an opponent. You need to adapt your body to randomness of power, weight and motion of another human being.

All of which repulsed me. More than I expected. I mean, come on. I did it before. I took Aikido, Karate, Judo, etc, etc over my lifetime — regardless of how brief. But then again, this might have explained my lack of interest back then. I LOVE the concept of martial arts. The beauty of the styles and concepts.

I hate the people. Any people.

Perhaps I couldn’t identify it when I was younger. But here I am, a crotchety old and getting older man and it’s worse than ever. There’s an inner me that is screaming that I want to “join” and “be part of” with others — in marital arts. At Toastmasters.

But when I show up, I get hives. Self conscious. Fear about how I look or what I said wrong.Then I spend days later replaying every wrong thing I said or analyzing what someone may have said to me. Like a constantly damning recording of my own blooper reel.

And then it all translates to ‘hate’ of being around people.

Even if nothing happened in reality. Somehow, my mind makes a mountain out of a molehill. I know this. I can’t help it. So, that was the prime reason to study a martial art as well: control of all of this shit.

But if GOING to a dojo brings anxiety alone … then what the fuck??? How the hell will I get anything done?

You know, while I sat there at the observation class, the instructor, who apparently was taught by the guy who was taught by Bruce Lee, talked about Bruce’s style and such. I was thinking about why I couldn’t find one solid Wing Chun instructor — high in a mountain — that I could call master for three-five years, then come back from this mountain with a whole new skill set.

Knowing me, if said mountain top instructor decided to take on a second student, I’d quit. The fuck am I going to do?

On other notes, this has generally been a good week. Money was tight going into Christmas so I cashed in on an old 410(k) plan I had with Apple. I left a size-able amount there, but I took, like $1,000 out ($700.00 after all the fucking taxes and fees) plus cashed out the Walmart stock I had. Each pay period it deposits more anyway so I needed the money to get things for the holidays. If I didn’t do it when I did it, we would have had some financial issues here.

Even bought us a Christmas tree. I mean, we get one every year. This year was a little different. We did a really classic thing yesterday: cut our own tree. I impressed my wife with my outdoors man skills lol. A nice 7-footer and really full.

This tree kind of symbolizes how I have been feeling much of this year. Without counting my erratic hate for people, my life this year has been full, well founded and lit up. With presents about to be placed. Some would say, equally, ‘cut down, destined to die and shedding’ …. I choose to look at the upside of the tree/life symbol.

Got us a much needed couch/sleeper so when my kids get here, they aren’t subjected to the damn air mattresses again. It should be here by Tuesday.

This will be my first Christmas that I actually bought my kids things. All others was paid for my wives past and I hated that dependency. Still, as much as I want to get things for them, I’m trying to create a balance where, after the holidays, I’ll have some money in reserve. It’s almost impossible.

But, I’m still working. Even as close to the edge I am of quitting or getting fired, I’m still working and coming up on six months at Walmart in January.

How’s school? The same: 4.0 GPA. All assignments in on time and written with extensive efforts. I’m in the last week of this term for English 107 and Presentations 111. The next class starts late December after a few days Christmas break. I think I saw it was “Careers in Criminal Justice” and something else. Forgot what it was. What I do know: a “Math” class is on the near horizon and this is where we start seeing my grades plummet.

Actually, that’s not a fair assessment. I’ve been doing gangbusters these past months and I refuse to let it change.Just that Math and I have been bitter enemies for eons.

Aside from that, it’s fucking odd how going back to school has been a breeze. Sounds cocky, I know. Math is coming. It’ll put me back in perspective. Another form of being “hit in the face”, per se.

Academic Update

November 22nd 2017

I bitch so much about Walmart, I don’t really cover what’s going on with my grades/school.

When I last spoke about that robbery getting a B- in that class, in the OTHER class I’m taking, ENG107, I got a B+ for some little shit I don’t remember but I know I deserved it. No need to fight over it.

I’m still at 4.0 GPA.

The problem is the details required are anal as hell. There are very specific ways you are supposed to cite/reference in APA format and it sucks maximum ass.Ask me if I will be citing and referencing 3 ½ years from now?

Possibly…if I intend to go to law school.

This is where I’m at these days. With my absolute resolve hating Walmart, I need to make sure I planted firmer ground in the ‘real’ career choice. I spoke a great deal about law in the beginning. My issue is the reality that I hate, HATE working with people — all people. Any human being.

So how do I get that to change? How do I find ways not to be annoyed by sheer stupidity of the average person?

If you’re reading this, your saying: “you can’t. Deal with it.”

I’m saying “I must find a way.” Even now, the ENG107 teacher recommended I work with a fellow student on an assignment. My initial and current feelings on that are “bullshit. Never gonna happen.”

Sooner or later, there’s going to be a group project. I swear to God, I do not look forward to that day. How I usually handle group ‘anything’ is to just sit back and watch the comedy of group implosion. I don’t offer suggestions and just follow whomever is left when the dust settles.

I fair better as a leader of a group—-but I don’t field suggestions. Nothing is up for debate. Shut the fuck up and we’re going this way to finish the project. Any suggestions are heard but we’re on a path to a goal and there’s little time for debate. In fact, no time.

I can relate to why dictatorship works. People are assholes and you’ll get nothing done with a committee.

I’ve been wondering ‘what am I going to do’ in this life if I can’t manage working with another person. How can I possibly move forward?

What’s that? Open my own business? Tried that. For me, didn’t work.

Huh? Things are different now that I’m an educated negro now getting a bachelor’s degree? A bachelor’s degree in criminal justice could get me into a private investigators role and I could conceivably work for myself?

These are the thoughts that I’m dealing with lately. Attempting to answer an undefined future.

I have always had a gravitation toward finding missing people. Maybe even a talent for it. Like archery — who knew I was good till I tried it. Same with finding missing people. Long story. Another time.

So, with the bachelor’s degree, I can obtain a private investigators license. Do I want to track cheating spouses? No. Not interested. I do want to find missing people because I can. Not sure how the financial outlook is for that kind of work, though.

Law School still makes sense because it’s clearly defined. That’s why its not off the table yet. Having both a PI license and a law degree sounds splendid, in my opinion. I could get law degree, get paid sufficiently and find a private hole in the wall to do administrative work that doesn’t allow me to interact with too many people — while searching for people as my other job. Being a defense attorney isn’t my first passion. Helping civil rights issues, even just administratively—-or hunting down people to help for the case— sounds reasonable.

It’s all frustrating. I feel like that kid trying to come up with ‘what I want to do when I grow up.’ It’s a shame….I haven’t grown up yet.

Social Failure

The issues I had of the previous week socially — extreme hate for people — took a greater toll than I had a chance to discuss.

As mentioned, I joined a few organizations to improve my career status: Elks, Kiwanis, Toastmasters. I was supposed to go to the Elks and Kiwanis meetings this past week but failed to do so. I can use the excuse that I was working, which I was, but truthfully I didn’t want to see anyone. Did not want to talk to anyone.

I can’t explain this burning hate. Almost psychotic. Very much allergic of being around people. I can’t quite say agoraphobic; I don’t mind going out. It’s just any place groupings of people are going to be, you WON’T find me. Parties, sporting events, clubs, bars, etc, etc. The movies is okay, but these days people using their phones in the theaters DURING the movie makes me want to go ballistic.

So I didn’t go to the initial meetings for those organizations and it depressed me. You see, I KNOW I have to do better. I’m trying. That’s why I reached out to join these things.

Toastmasters was Tuesday night at 6:30pm. I brought my application and my money order for club fees. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like the people who were talking and speaking (the point of Toastmasters, right?) were annoying me to the core.

So I left. Handed my application and fees and left early.

Once out, I felt an overwhelming calm. Like that feeling you might get from being released from prison. Like the world was finally open to me.

Makes NO sense why I feel that way but here it is. I’ve always felt this way, honestly. It’s just me trying to fight it these days.

The problem is, based on some 48 years of personal study, I am to understand I don’t LOOK anti-social.

People see me and think not only am I going to steal their pussy; like I’m some sort of pretty boy player — they say I look like I would date a white girl. Often called serious. Often handsome.

The point of view of myself is far, far less than what others see. I think of myself as a joke just getting by. Never sure why I was ever married before or now. What drew women to me. Lots of sex over the years but, in my head, I think I mostly caught women during a ‘hunger’ rather than a ‘wanting choice’. Kind of like how a fat girl gets laid by random strangers. Would the guy fuck her by choice? Nope. She’s there. Nobody needs to know. She’s willing to take the dick. Get off and move on. I think that has been why I’ve gotten so much ass over the years: I’m that fat bitch. lol.

Seriously, I have to control this anti-social situation. No I don’t want to get back on Lexipro. The shit makes me nauseous and a zombie over time. With low sex drive.

Interestingly, I found drinking (liquor) opens me up a little. Yeah, that sounds funny because that’s what drinking is supposed to do. I don’t drink so it’s a whole new layer of shit I have to consider.

I don’t have an addictive trait so being an alcoholic wouldn’t be the problem.

I have to test this out. Maybe this week.

In the past, I found taking a little swig of alcohol (on an empty stomach) relaxed me to talk to anyone. Too much made me say too much (lololol) … just enough allowed me to not give a fuck about who’s around me.

So, cheaper than drugs, I’ll consider buying “liquid courage” and go to the next toastmasters meeting.

The problem with alcohol is the smell. People can always tell when someone is drinking. I sure can. Maybe it’s those who drink too much. Like it coming out of their pores. Like smokers. I don’t want to be THAT guy.

If my drinking sums up to one small glass, once a month, when needed, I guess it can’t be that bad. Just to get over some social hurdles.

See what you have to do in order to deal with people?

Working with People

I JUST said I wasn’t going to complain about Walmart. So what am I about to do? Complain about Walmart.

Well, not really about ‘Walmart’ but the people I work with. Typically, I am a hard-worker. I may find time to coast a little, but my coasting is still degrees higher in getting the job done than the average worker’s base-work.

Dude I work with does absolutely nothing but sit on the phone, walk around the store while on his phone, does a little work to keep up appearances and goes back to texting or talking on his phone.

Meanwhile, I’ve stocked out half my department leaving a bunch of empty boxes. Yesterday, I had enough and left him with those boxes to throw out.

Because I know this type of guy— the kind of guy that bitches about other people but fails to see how little he does himself — he’ll be saying shit behind my back as he does with everyone else. How can I leave all those boxes for him to do? From my point of view: easily. You don’t do shit, so I left you something to do.

Today, in hindsight, that kind of abrasive ‘i’m going to fuck you over for fucking me’ isn’t part of the plan. Now I’m in a position to complain that he doesn’t do shit after he complains I didn’t empty boxes. Back and forth and petty shit.

It’s not part of the plan to dance with petty shit.

Not with petty small people.

Not to become small and petty because of them. I’ll end up hurting myself because, in this environment, it’s not what they see you did that was good, but what you didn’t do. Ultimately, they won’t see that the man who created all the empty boxes in the first place was the man doing all the work without the lazy fuck.

I said I wasn’t going to complain about Walmart. Technically, I didn’t.

I’m complaining about ‘people’ and this sort of scum could have been found at ANY place of employment. Including a future law office.

Also, this is my journal to vent and plan next steps. I’ll handle this sort of thing better next time.