April 22, 2019

If you look back about a year, just before I started school again, I was expressing that I found a terrible secret to my life — that the things that I want and desire don’t work out half as much (if at all) compared to the stuff I don’t have an interest in. The logic being: my passion for animation/film won’t work out for me, but doing something so left field, as being a lawyer, will.

Results have proven, even still, this way of thinking/being has not failed. Even though I took a break from school, I had enormous interest from my math teachers to help me get through the course. More help then I ever got to get a film off the ground, or even a damn review for one of my novels. Even as we speak, a have a novel on Amazon since last year that STILL doesn’t have a review. Good, bad or indifferent.

You know … I put my everything into that novel, too.

Anyway, I’m messing around with animation again. Trying to finish one small project.

Suddenly, my screen is going black. It’s not that Windows crashed, or the monitor is failing. Something is going on where if I am doing too much in Maya (animation program), the screen just shuts off.

Searching online gives all sorts of reasons. I know my computer is old. The graphic cards is fairly new. On and on …

It’s just I don’t remember this kind of shit when I was plugging away at school work.

(Heavy sigh)

My desensitized nature to failure helps me keep plugging away. I’m still trying to squeak out this animation. I just needed a place to vent my frustration. Never forget, that’s what this journal is about. My observations of my own life.

OH! Least I forget: my son is going through a pregnancy-scare thing. I warned him during his last one … I don’t think I mentioned it here. He has a girlfriend. He thought she was pregnant. Turns out she wasn’t. I warned him to leave her because even before she found out she wasn’t pregnant, she was thinking of keeping it.  I told him that this was a warning shot ….

Wait a minute.

I am remembering an error in my own life. Something that has to do with abortions.

How having one triggers a collection of bad karma never before experienced.

You might think I’m mad, which you probably do — but let’s get to it. Long before this journal, I had another one on paper that expressed my feelings during my first marriage, the days and months before we tied the knot, and the first abortion we had.

I initiated and finalized the move to have one. It was going to be a girl. How do I know? Well, that’s complicated. Let’s just say, hours before I made the final decision, I was warned. Call it a vision.

Now, I know you’re reading this and saying where is all this coming from? Anything you can say about me is I am deeply aware of things — life’s maybe spiritual motions and how it connects with us. Not enough for me to be a fanatic, but enough for me to say “Hey. I noticed if you do this and that, results seem to be “that””

After that abortion, my relationship with my first wife fell apart. Even before we got married, but I was young and ignored the signs.

Anyway, I took my experiences and shared them with my son. He’s not ready for children, but I’m afraid if he initiates an abortion, there will be trouble. I did ask him to arrange to get a paternity test, though. Especially if she plans to keep it. They break up a lot. He suspects she’s been with other men. It’s a mess I’m familiar with.

If there was a time in my life that I need all things I am trying to do to work out, this is it. I want to help him where I had no father to help me.

Speaking of which, my biological father is dying. Dementia collapsed lung, pneumonia … it’s pretty bad. My wife tells me, based on pictures my sister(s) send of his charts and such, he won’t make it to June when I’m heading back to NY to drop her grandkids off.

How do I feel about that? This man’s death?

I never quite knew him. I would have liked too.

He makes me feel I need to mend connections with my first two sons.

His dying inspired me to write a short script about inheritance. I don’t expect anything from this man when he passes. It’s just the story-generating mind I have.

He had a hard, drug-induced life. Funny how I am 100% opposite of that lifestyle. It’s a good thing. He’s about 80 years old. I’d like to think I will surpass that age. I’m fifty right now.Mentally and physically (except for my aching hip from time to time) I feel I can do another fifty.

My kids stress me out though. lol. Grey hair rapidly forming. LOL. Welcome to being a parent.