Tag: purpose

Purpose Theory

July 11th, 2018

I’ve been struggling with wondering what “this is all about”. This being my life. I’m struggling with this College Algebra class. I’m going to fail it and it’s going to bring my GPA down. I’ve tried everything but beg online for help. No one I knows even uses this stuff.

So, if I am going to fail in this, and I have no idea what happens to my grades and momentum moving forward, and I can’t find a job that pays well that I can stay at — destined to keep moving from job to job as I have — not liking what I do. Not successful in my writing as I would like. Getting older. Weaker.

What was all this about? What was my life for if people who are doing bad things and say bad things can still succeed and be president — and self-righteous white supremacy fucks can say and do what they want and still claim a sense of being — or any dreg from any race on the low end of the mental equation —- why can’t I? It’s like I’m struggling to just ‘be’ and find a place in this ugly world.

Then, the other day, my daughter asked me a question about inventing things — and she listened.

No, I mean, really listened. Like I was telling her absolute truth.

It took a day to realize I’ve been so selfish.

There was a time, long ago when I was her age, that I believed strongly I could help the world with new ideas, stories and fall in love with one woman and help people.

My mother was bitter and angry and would tell me it’s a fantasy.

No, I don’t do that to my children. There has been a place still untampered in my heart to still tell my children life is great, make a lot of friends of all races; no matter the person, help everyone and anyone.

It’s a small place but it’s reserved for them. Because I don’t want to give them what my mother gave me: no support for my ideas.

I didn’t know my father.

My children know me. 

So my ‘purpose’ theory is really simple: Don’t be the dick your parents were.

I know it’s all relative and everyone has their own parenting styles. But I feel the universe tries to teach us to be better along the way. Like granting me the heart and mind to go back to school. There is a common way everyone can be as one, love each other and make the world better. I believe it. It’s just humans don’t want it.

As you know, I can look inward and report when I’ve been wrong. As I said, I have been selfish. On low days, feeling I’ve done nothing successful when, in fact, I’m contributing to a better world every day I teach my daughter the beauty in it. I’ve been so concerned about what I was leaving the world when I die, that I I didn’t realize I was leaving children like my daughter who still have a pure heart to want to build, invent and tell greater stories than me.

I’m not working, but I have a job.

Project Forward Motion

January 21st 2018

Nothing much to report. These have been very ‘basic’ days. Again, no drama. No muss-no fuss. Probably just the way I like them to be.

I’m proactively working on the ‘project’ and I’m running into road blocks. Call it ‘limited’ knowledge of mechanical engineering, but I won’t let that stop me.If I stopped to studying engineering, this project won’t be done for another 5 years.

So, it’s learning along the way. One thing that must be noted here: I’ve been learning a lot of things rapidly. It shows in my grades, as well.

Interesting thing: I have ALWAYS self-taught myself many things but with no grading system to judge me by until now.

I’ve started the LSAT study process. Digging deep into the methods to understand logic questions and such. I practice on a weekly basis. 

Freecodcamp is still going well as well as the IT job hunt (help desk support, really). Funny thing: If I could go back to Apple, I certainly would. I don’t want to go over that previous meltdown I had there. LOL. No, I don’t want to go over that at all.

Suffice to say, I’m managing my depression so much better OFF medication than I was trying to stay on it.

My secret: Purpose. 

I have a defined purpose and my depression isn’t a priority anymore. Oh, don’t get me wrong — it haunts me in the background like a shadow in the corner, but my purpose: the ‘project’, my grades, my new career in IT … all these things keep me centered, or at best, I know where to center myself if I get a little low. Keep in mind: the majority of my issue is chemical. I don’t control when it comes — but I control how to tuck it the side, sort of speak.

So today’s entry is all about moving forward. Nothing to report except forward motion.

And I am grateful.