I slapped a Google Analytics snippet on this blog to see if there are any visits or clicks and for the past week, zero. As of this date: 9/29/2017, there is no one reading my journal.

On one hand, it’s refreshing to post a journal online with complete anonymity to say as I please without direct confrontation for the thoughts and feelings I have at the moment of writing. Cause, looking back, I know I’ve said some shit.

No, there is no other hand to this story. I’d rather be free to express myself and write without getting feedback. What am I looking for? Attention? Am I that narcissist; typical of everyone else online — posting for shock value? What is the purpose of this journal if not for someone to read?

The purpose of this journal is a play-by-play journey of one man’s re-invention so others, who may have felt like me, can understand change can happen regardless of the vile thoughts and feelings one may have.

I think a lot of people lie to themselves in order to look clean in front of the masses. Especially when it comes to online presentations. For instance, if I posted that I beat the crap (literally) out of my cat and ditched him in some bushes, the online outrage could carry over into news articles! Seriously. The news gives paragraph space to small subjects just for viral sociability. 

That would be terribly distracting to the purpose of this journal. At the same time, writing by hand, in a book, doesn’t allow others to see.

See what? That this man is, indeed, changing. Not necessarily in the interests of cat-lovers, but for the record, when I took Lando out of the car, he was alive and ran into the bushes. I had a dream last night that he found his way home. I certainly hope he doesn’t.

The changes are happening in my interactions with people and with adjusting to my responsibilities. College growth. Work growth. Stabilizing my often-slipping sanity. Those sort of things. Not needing Lexipro as often as I thought.

What I need to do next is round everything off with a better diet. I’ve been exploring a plant-based diet after watching “Forks over Knives” and other Netflix vegetarian programs.

I’m in-between meetings to the next toastmasters. I’ve warmed up to the feeling of getting a mentor and actually participating. I see the advantages of the experience.

Moving on, I met with the associates in my department (LaTonya and Murdock). Murdock seems like a typical-Jamaican asshole that will challenge anything. His every word, if any, is the sound of defiance. Every time I look up, he’s not where he’s supposed to be. LaTonya is cool but something about her is deceptive. Elusive. Smiling in my face, but she makes me uneasy. She does work, though.

So how do I handle having my own employees that I can’t 100% trust? I did the group meeting thing and advised of expectations. Sorta. The company has their own eval process that I’ll simply follow and leave it like that. Both associates do not work during the morning and I usually catch them on my way out.

I’ll be honest, unless they gave me a feeling of absolute compliance, I feel uncomfortable of the impending confrontations. In the past, I’ve always had to be in some sort of confrontation role with my own people. Black people, Jamaicans in particular, are assholes. Lazy fucks that don’t want to do shit and constantly throw their own people under the bus. It’s no wonder white people hate us.

Knowing this, what is this ‘reinvented man’ going to do? Fight…again? Get fired for fighting or saying something slick because the lazy fuck niggers I’m working with are assholes? Say nothing and look like a sucker-ass for not leading them?

Witness the ‘other’ nature of this journal. A place to think, vent and see my own words to make adjustments. You see, you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t hide your feelings or words. At the same time, you can’t let the people you’re referring to see or hear your words. This is just for ‘you’…so you can and ‘think’.

So, no. Going about my work day calling out the associates as Assholes won’t work.

I’ll play it by the numbers. Follow the corporate ready evaluation process and work with the associates and constantly imply that expectations needed to met in order for all of us to do our jobs efficiently. Follow the set Walmart eval plan, conduct them honorably and truthfully — let the slackers weed themselves out.

Keeping my personal thoughts to my journal. There is scripture: “It’s not what goes into the man that offends him. It’s what comes out.” The things I say openly can offend, not only them, but myself as well. I need to be a shining picture of grace as I move through this job.

That said, I had to hide a bunch of merchandise in my backroom. Stuff I had no time to work on and they didn’t want it on the sales floor. Like broken toys that need UPC codes. Shit I want to throw out but, of course, that won’t do. I just didn’t have the time. Hopefully, no one will find it and I’ll be able to work undisturbed. I’m going in early Saturday to handle that.

I just responded to the Toastmasters email(s) and requested a mentor. The next meeting is October 3rd. I have make sure I am mentally adjusted for this…particularly right after work. Come to think of it, I don’t even have any clothes to wear. That’s another re-invention topic.