The Last Rejection

June 6th, 2018

A free location to submit your work to get review actually rejected reviewing one of my novella concepts. It’s beyond words why this is happening, but I’ve since abandoned pursuing writing. This is just for the record that I’ve submitted 40 years of my life to something that did not work; while I develop on the theory that there will be things you are not passionate about that will work serendipitously. That is to say, your life isn’t exactly yours.

Here’s an example: AIU doesn’t provide certification for CompTIA’s A+ BUT, I happen to be in a class that gave me free access to studying the current A+ exams. I don’t have to pay for it the study material, it’s hands-on simulations and I’ll take the test right after I study all the material. Fell right into my lap.

I couldn’t get that kind of ‘easy of access’ for my writing if and when I paid for it.

Career Settling

December 10th 2017

I have to keep reminding myself “I am not retail orientated.”

I have to keep pushing myself to be “law” focused. At best, right now, academically focused until it’s time to focus on LSAT/law school ambitions. Some would argue, right now.

I’m having trouble adjusting to the suppression of the career that I want. You can say, “Oh, go ahead and be a filmmaker.” I tried for more than half my lifetime and produced nothing but failed memories that went no further than where I started. The attempt to be a filmmaker, for me, has been nothing but an uphill battle of near zero support and little to no money. Attempting to shift to animation to offset assistance and expense also fell flat with barely anyone even looking at my work. I guess you can say I have zero confidence that I was even a good animator.

One can also argue that it’s my fault because I have no confidence in the things I do.

I’m back to why I’m going back to school and law: because it’s a serendipitous ease of passage.

I had little trouble achieving the work I’m doing right now, in academic work, and passing some of the practice LSAT tests compared to getting my films off the ground. Or my books.

Another argument could be made: Gaining the approval of an audience is harder than performing linear instructions to achieve a degree.

I don’t know. Today, I feel confused and lifeless. I’m supposed to be working on a paper for class. I’m bored with the whole school concept like when I was growing up. I’m still on time with my work but this life is stale. Uninspired. Combined with working at Walmart, i feel trapped and without creativity, which is my core value: being creative.

Is my work so bad that I can’t capture the attention of more than a handful of people?

Granted, with almost everything I did, it was self-taught. There are greater talented people out there that taught themselves things and are working for major companies.

I’m willing to take classes on animation or film-making to improve. I often feel that studying animation to get a ‘certificate’ doesn’t guarantee you job placement. Getting my bachelors in criminal justice ‘might’ fill in that hole. To get people to look at my work, at least., even though the degree has nothing to do with the work. But I’ve been saying that for ages: why do I need a degree at all if I have the talent? Most companies won’t look unless you have a degree.

Or maybe I don’t have the talent.

Troubled, troubled, troubled. Again, I’ve selected the path of law because of the money and serendipitous blessings its giving. Finally something I can put in effort and see results. Without too much thinking. I wanted that with my film career. And in that I put my heart with no results.

Sigh.

What I have been attempting to do … to ease my restless soul … is re-invite my film/animation/writing aspirations back into the fold by taking it back on regardless. It makes me happy, so why stop? Doing an act just to do it for your pleasure without an audience isn’t logical. At least not in entertainment. The point is to ‘entertain’ others. Not just yourself.

Can I possible work hard enough to achieve the bachelors degree and study animation to get a certificate; build a truly professional reel and incorporate everything I need and want? To what end goal? Bachelors to cover my ass. Animation to cover my heart. Law to cover my expenses. Film making to cover my dreams.

It’s a lot. Keep in mind, as of this date, I STILL haven’t attended another Toastmasters meeting. Or paid recent dues. What makes me think I can juggle two separate career studies?

But I am bored. I need a little life injection.

Also I can’t afford it: going to a second school requires out of pocket expenses that I simply can’t pay for. Self-study all this time produced zero results without a teacher to correct and show.

Sometimes, I feel my life was wasted. I thought any talent I had would accumulate to a successful life. It hasn’t. What do I do with all this wasted untalented knowledge?

That’s the heartbreak of it all.

Then again, that’s the problem with things that come easy: I may be doing this school work and getting A’s and a perfect GPA with honors … but I feel I’m not earning it. When I was doing film and animation and struggled to succeed, I was getting no attention and no ‘applause’ … but I felt I earned whatever I did get.I just wanted more.

Grateful Bullshit

Today, I sent my cousin — one of the few family members I keep in contact with semi-regularly — and email updating how I am doing. When I last emailed him, it was to see what he thought of my book I mailed to him. Never got a response. Since I am beyond writing these days, I reached out to tell him the good news of my academic and employment life.

Reading over a very long email — much of it encompasses everything in this journal — I realized I’m doing damn well. I was happy to share my happiness with him.

Okay, so in this journal I showcased my hate for people, which is true. But, as I explained in the email to my cousin, that will never change. I’m on a journey of doing things I dislike doing to gain a serendipitous lifestyle that didn’t happen when I tried to live my passion. As this journal began, It’s about getting an easier life by stop doing what I loved and doing what I don’t. As you can see, it’s working regardless of the hate I have for doing it.

Sure, it makes no sense in practicality, but i’m living proof that it’s working. Do I really want to work with people? Do I really give a damn about Walmart and having associates? Do I really give a fuck about joining Toastmasters or being a lawyer?

No on all counts. I want to be a writer and filmmaker. But that didn’t work out.

What is working out is everything I rejected. Almost at blinding speed, proving the life I tried 40+ years to build really wasn’t mine.

So, am I happy that I have medical insurance now for my kids, a rising credit score, debt being paid off and a stable job with advancement on the way? Am I happy that I am academically doing wonders and will soon have the credibility to gain lasting employment with higher pay? Am I happy that I will change the points of views of friends and family that don’t think I’m amounting to much?

To all of that, I have to say yes. I only wish I could have done all of that with the same serendipitous energy I put into the love of my life. I will forever have a burning hate for why my writing career did not come as easy as the brainless work I’m putting into the things that I don’t love…that are working out.

Let these words show that there is more to life going on in the background than we really know because this is bullshit.

But welcome bullshit. Bullshit that I am grateful for.