I found a way to elevate this rash of anger lately. Tried it out for a couple of days since the last post and I can confirm, with further practice, I will be able to move forward on a great many things.

No, it has nothing to do with drinking.

It actually beings and ends on my perspective. Not so much ‘how’ I think but ‘where’ I view things.

First, let me address what was triggering me.

When I walk about my day; anywhere — at work, at the mall, walking through the library, I typically keep my head up and find myself looking at people in the eyes. This is what I see:

Notice the judgmental eyes. Notice the rolling of eyes (which I get a lot of). This is with me greeting people with a smile, no less. I get it’s not MY problem and it’s whatever is going on in their lives. I get that. Still, we are taught to walk with our heads up, look people in their eyes when you meet them.

Key important words: ‘when you meet them’. Not necessarily BEFORE you meet them.

When I look at people, I get these evil expressions that wear me down. Then I’m looking at the whole frame and conduct my own set of judging (i.e., angry fat motorized cart people, people on their phones all the time, etc, etc). The world goes round and round. Repetitively hammering while I’m always wondering why everyone is looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.

I’ve long since stopped looking down to the ground when I walk about. People who look downward tend to slouch, walk and motion in a downward spiral. I’m always teaching my kids to keep their back straight and look up when walking.

Lately, in order to avoid looking at people, I have tried looking down when walking about but it was not ‘me’. Very uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with someone about my height (6′2″). I mentioned I don’t feel like I am any taller than anyone else. I mentioned that I feel average. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t. 

That was part of the problem.

I’m walking about feeling that I’m on the same height level as everyone else; trying to be on the same level as others and not being accepted. Thus feeling angry and causing a lot of hate.

Before this gets any more egotistical, I need to underscore I’m talking about height, not state of mind —- HOWEVER, this new process I’m doing is triggering an enlightening of my thinking and doing the unthinkable: that I’m not on the same level as others and I should stop trying to go low.

The ‘fix’ was simple and, seemingly, life changing that effectively stopped this daily hate thing I was going through:

Notice the area above their heads. For my height, it’s an easy thing to do, look above and beyond them. Instead of trying to narrow my vision, when I’m walking, to look at those passing me, my head is up and my vision is over them — past them. As a result, I don’t notice people as persistent as I was doing. Not looking at their eyes UNLESS they are specifically addressing me or I need to talk to them.

The results are fantastic. At least for me. I can’t say what it does for people shorter. They would have their own demons to defeat. For me, I am looking over people and I won’t try to ‘not’ be tall. By looking past people, I really do ignore them and get back to thinking about where I’m going. Literally and figuratively. I’m back to thinking of creative thinking as well since the space that was filled with fear, anger and worry what people thought of me is being replaced with the stories and ideas that made me who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s only been a few days. As I walk about, I still automatically look at people passing me and I see those eyes again. I’ll never understand why they look at me. It’s something I need to work on and keep training myself to look above people.

Is it about being ‘better’ than others? 

No. I’m thinking it’s more about being better.

Now it’s up to someone else to wonder if I think I’m better than them or not and it won’t be my concern. I’m moving forward without thinking about the next person until I need to. Key important words: Until I need to.

Side note: A’s still coming in. GPA remains 4.0. I’ll be ending this set of classes with a perfect score and moving into actual Criminal Justice classes next month.

I couldn’t go to the pre-law event that started yesterday into this weekend. Couldn’t afford it. Still, I know about it now and it may make better sense to go next year during my sophomore years.