The Challenge of Thinking Differently

December 8th, 2018

As you know, I struggle with higher math/College Algebra. It’s not that I don’t want to learn it. It’s like rubbing a cats fur the wrong way: all attempts simply don’t work. I’m not adapting.

Then last night, something a family member said when I asked her to help me with it (more evidence that I am trying), made me get a little closer to understanding the inherent split of certain kinds of people around us. Something I kind of already knew — but this conversation sealed it for me.

Truth is, anyone with ears was asked to help me with this algebra, and each person has said they don’t know it anymore nor plan to want to know it. Still, somehow, the passed it in the past. I’m not stupid to understand people cheat or work very very hard. For me, working very hard isn’t working. Cheating is costly.

So, I asked her if she could help and she didn’t know it anymore. I said “here’s proof that it’s a worthless skill with no one I know; people who are considered professional, don’t use it!”.

She went on to say, “it’s untrue. Knowing Algebra trains your brain to think a certain way.”

I wasn’t trying to argue with her, but my initial feelings were: if it helps you train your brain a certain way, then you’re not exactly the person (i.e. sheep) I want to be by the end result of learning it — then never using it — then forgetting it.

By her logic, if you’re trained by Algebra, then you should still know the skill, or at the very least, think in mathematical terms. None of which is apparent in the people I’ve asked for help. I get that algebra is great for engineers and scientists. I get that completely. None of the people I know are engineers or scientists. No…my ex wife has an engineering degree. Asked her to help: she doesn’t know it or use it. The same woman that had no clue to setup a dvd player so of course.

Yeah, so, on one hand, my family member’s answer is bullshit.

On the other hand, I get that there are plenty of people are sheep to learn a shit skill, forced by a system to learn something that doesn’t apply later in life in a direction to make everyone think the same way.

For instance, forced to get a Bachelors degree for something I self-learned and extremely qualified in … but a degree says “you learned OUR way not YOUR way.”

Then you get to the job and they barely require a 1% of your skill set that you spent thousands of dollars to an education system that just keeps reaping money to make everyone think the same way.

If you think differently, the struggle is to have anything in a world of that won’t let you have unless you do as others do.

Its very much like what the internet is turning out to be: controlled ways of thinking or what you write will not be read nor seen.

Thoughts on Things

May 21st, 2018

Yeah, I know I just entered some writing for today, and I have a report to do, but I forgot to mention some things I found out last night.

I was looking up online the notion that some of our greatest leaders and scientists had equally great mental disorders and still carried on: Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Beethoven, Issac Newton. I usually spend time backtracking and confirming this information and it all seems legit. It made me feel better that, even at my small segment of space on this planet, greater men than I had issues under enormous pressure that should have crushed them. Who am I to be such a pussy?

A small list of names are here:

http://mentalfloss.com/article/12500/11-historical-geniuses-and-their-possible-mental-disorders

Then, there is this poem about suicide that supposedly Lincoln wrote. Let me know if any of this sounds familiar:

Here, where the lonely hooting owl
Sends forth his midnight moans,
Fierce wolves shall o’er my carcase growl,
Or buzzards pick my bones.

No fellow-man shall learn my fate,
Or where my ashes lie;
Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,
Or by the ravens’ cry.

Yes! I’ve resolved the deed to do,
And this the place to do it:
This heart I’ll rush a dagger through,
Though I in hell should rue it!

Hell! What is hell to one like me
Who pleasures never knew;
By friends consigned to misery,
By hope deserted too?

To ease me of this power to think,
That through my bosom raves,
I’ll headlong leap from hell’s high brink,
And wallow in its waves.

Though devils yell, and burning chains
May waken long regret;
Their frightful screams, and piercing pains,
Will help me to forget.

Yes! I’m prepared, through endless night,
To take that fiery berth!
Think not with tales of hell to fright
Me, who am damn’d on earth!

Sweet steel! come forth from your sheath,
And glist’ning, speak your powers;
Rip up the organs of my breath,
And draw my blood in showers!

I strike! It quivers in that heart
Which drives me to this end;
I draw and kiss the bloody dart,
My last—my only friend!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Suicide%27s_Soliloquy

“ To ease me of this power to think,” …. “Will help me to forget”

Depression and what the mind projects into our consciousness have been going on for a very, very VERY long time. Even if Lincoln didn’t write this, SOMEBODY did and we’re talking a couple hundred years back. So, the idea of depression is brought on by the foods we eat is not the issue. For god’s sake, it’s not like they had cola back then or lots of other sugary things.

But there is a consistency. A connecting thread. Just not sure what it is yet. Or, the thoughts are part of our ‘strength’ as being human and we just don’t know how to control it. What would be the benefit of remembering painful things that torment a man to commit suicide? I have no idea.

I guess I’m saying, maybe … just maybe … we’re looking at how our brains think all wrong and due to the lack of control, we get depressed. A kitchen stove is great for cooking, but if you use it wrong or don’t know how to use it, you will always burn yourself. One thing you can guarantee about humans, we’re never really using our minds for what it was supposed to be used for. Killing others, ourselves and acting like assholes is NOT it.

Here’s to the power of writing: that poem gave us a frozen moment in time we would never have known about.

I hope the things I write here will help others too.

Mindfulness

May 7th, 2018

Three things I learned today:

1) My inability to focus on things runs deep.

I attempted a simple mindfulness exercise today: lay down, breathe evenly and think of an apple sitting on a chair and hold that thought.

Not only did I fall asleep multiple times, but when I snapped myself back awake to refocus on an apple/chair, I literally fought to maintain that simple vision. Either it was clouded and I couldn’t reform the vision, or I easily shifted into another thought. It was a battle that demanded I keep repeating “apple on a chair, apple on a chair” multiple times. Even then, I lost the image. Drifted. Constantly.

The answer to this problem: I’m going to fight through this and practice meditation each day until I can focus on one thing. First, ‘an apple on a chair’. Then grow from there. Sounds silly, but let’s see how long you can do it. This will help me understand why I drift from project to project, thought to thought and lack of real focus in my school work.

2) When absolutely calm, I can feel the approach of someone I care about even from a distance.

When my mind is still, and it isn’t often, I get this ‘sinking’ feeling. Not a negative one, but a feeling like the volume of my airspace is shifting, or being filled. That’s usually when I can tell my wife or children are within range. It’s not about footsteps, hearing the car or loud noises. I’ve felt this way before and even announced someone’s arrival before they got there. Not everyone. Just people close to me. Like it’s rare they can sneak up on me. But then it’s rare that my mind is as still as it needs to be for my body to get that feeling.

The answer to this: Well, it’s not a problem. What it does is confirm if I can quiet my mind, I can feel a lot of things more than I do right now. What those things are? I have no idea, but I can probably use it to not be angry and miserable as I have been over time.

Which leads me to three …

3) I can solve ‘who I am’ without medication

I’m going to tool around and try to ‘hack’ my mind. I think I have a strong mind when unclouded, and I think much of my reality was shaped due to its inconsistency and inability to stay focused.

What would I expect? The brain is a muscle that needs a specific type of workout and I have let it drift for years—as a source to claim to be creative with its randomness and originality — when it also led me astray.

Something to work on.

The Fix: Above and Beyond

I found a way to elevate this rash of anger lately. Tried it out for a couple of days since the last post and I can confirm, with further practice, I will be able to move forward on a great many things.

No, it has nothing to do with drinking.

It actually beings and ends on my perspective. Not so much ‘how’ I think but ‘where’ I view things.

First, let me address what was triggering me.

When I walk about my day; anywhere — at work, at the mall, walking through the library, I typically keep my head up and find myself looking at people in the eyes. This is what I see:

Notice the judgmental eyes. Notice the rolling of eyes (which I get a lot of). This is with me greeting people with a smile, no less. I get it’s not MY problem and it’s whatever is going on in their lives. I get that. Still, we are taught to walk with our heads up, look people in their eyes when you meet them.

Key important words: ‘when you meet them’. Not necessarily BEFORE you meet them.

When I look at people, I get these evil expressions that wear me down. Then I’m looking at the whole frame and conduct my own set of judging (i.e., angry fat motorized cart people, people on their phones all the time, etc, etc). The world goes round and round. Repetitively hammering while I’m always wondering why everyone is looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.

I’ve long since stopped looking down to the ground when I walk about. People who look downward tend to slouch, walk and motion in a downward spiral. I’m always teaching my kids to keep their back straight and look up when walking.

Lately, in order to avoid looking at people, I have tried looking down when walking about but it was not ‘me’. Very uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with someone about my height (6′2″). I mentioned I don’t feel like I am any taller than anyone else. I mentioned that I feel average. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

That was part of the problem.

I’m walking about feeling that I’m on the same height level as everyone else; trying to be on the same level as others and not being accepted. Thus feeling angry and causing a lot of hate.

Before this gets any more egotistical, I need to underscore I’m talking about height, not state of mind —- HOWEVER, this new process I’m doing is triggering an enlightening of my thinking and doing the unthinkable: that I’m not on the same level as others and I should stop trying to go low.

The ‘fix’ was simple and, seemingly, life changing that effectively stopped this daily hate thing I was going through:

Notice the area above their heads. For my height, it’s an easy thing to do, look above and beyond them. Instead of trying to narrow my vision, when I’m walking, to look at those passing me, my head is up and my vision is over them — past them. As a result, I don’t notice people as persistent as I was doing. Not looking at their eyes UNLESS they are specifically addressing me or I need to talk to them.

The results are fantastic. At least for me. I can’t say what it does for people shorter. They would have their own demons to defeat. For me, I am looking over people and I won’t try to ‘not’ be tall. By looking past people, I really do ignore them and get back to thinking about where I’m going. Literally and figuratively. I’m back to thinking of creative thinking as well since the space that was filled with fear, anger and worry what people thought of me is being replaced with the stories and ideas that made me who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s only been a few days. As I walk about, I still automatically look at people passing me and I see those eyes again. I’ll never understand why they look at me. It’s something I need to work on and keep training myself to look above people.

Is it about being ‘better’ than others?

No. I’m thinking it’s more about being better.

Now it’s up to someone else to wonder if I think I’m better than them or not and it won’t be my concern. I’m moving forward without thinking about the next person until I need to. Key important words: Until I need to.

Side note: A’s still coming in. GPA remains 4.0. I’ll be ending this set of classes with a perfect score and moving into actual Criminal Justice classes next month.

I couldn’t go to the pre-law event that started yesterday into this weekend. Couldn’t afford it. Still, I know about it now and it may make better sense to go next year during my sophomore years.