Toastmasters Round II

January 18th 2018

So, I finally went.

Stayed through the whole meeting, as a matter of fact.

Wasn’t a laborious task as I made it out to be. Walked over to the library, probably got caught on camera to a live news program in the process. There was a big city hall meeting happening in the connected auditorium to where Toastmasters was holding a meeting. FYI: they’ve been closing Walmarts in this area lately (Sams club and a local Walmart Market).

Ironic, no?

Totally different topic that has nothing to do with me.

I got to the meeting a little early, was welcomed by the president very warmly. They even remembered me and was happy I came back. So, yes, I felt a little bit like a heel (old term. Look it up)

Though I didn’t speak, I planned to. I asked the president for my next steps since I’m starting over and she was happy to help. In return, they have an open house coming up and a few events and I said I would volunteer.

I promise to not be a dick and actually show up.

In other news, I’ve started the official LSAT private study process.

Last year, it was skimming through and getting a feel for the test. This year, for a few hours scheduled each week, I’m focusing on how the methodology of each part of the test and taking practice versions weekly to get my head into the game.

To do this, I’ve plucked every LSAT study book from the library and whatever I can find online for free. I cannot afford the $2,000 study courses available out there.

The logic games can jumble up my mind quite a bit but I’ve done well WITHOUT understanding how they work; I can do even better once I read up on everything I can.

Regular school work is still on track. No issues. GPA stable at 4.0. Fucking amazing. I’ve never done this well before. I’m looking up law schools (Emory Law, for instance.) They require a 165 LSAT score and a 3.75 GPA. All I have to do is keep this steady for two years more. This is why I’m studying the LSAT early — regularly. Magic number I’m shooting for is 170 (180 is the top).

I’ve been taking advantage of all the university’s resources for resume analysis, job interviewing performance, career management, etc. Combined with my recent hunt for jobs in IT (mostly quantifiable tech support positions), I plan to have a job by late January — definitely in February. We’re having car issues so I’ll be on the bus/train this time around. The glory about this job hunt is that it makes sense with my degree. I did apply to some random Warehouse job recently and I have to stop that. I mean, I need to work. I really do — but I need to cut that ‘any job’ mentality and just try harder for ‘related’ jobs.

I’m not that same old guy anymore. I’m a goddamn college student going for a bachelors, studying to go to law school with bigger plans than to put a fucking box on a shelf.

As long as I keep that fire active, these will be the last days of aimless pursuits.

THAT is why this journal exists. Cause if “I” can evolve, I’m sure someone else needing to change (but having a hard time) can read this and be encouraged.

Coming Crescendo

November 13th 2017

There is something building in the horizon.

Remember how I said I needed to join the Toastmasters in order to present myself better moving forward into law? And you know how I never went to a meeting since?

Recently, I’ve been rumored to be part of this future advancement leadership program that leads toward Assistant Manager. I say ‘rumored’ because I haven’t heard much about it since it was offered.

A young woman that is in the program was nice to give me some details to prepare for the next meeting from an email I never received: read a book about how some guy in a submarine survived against all odds, create an elevator speech, etc, etc.

Come to find out, most of the stuff they are requiring me to know are the same things I should be studying in—guess what?—- toastmasters.

Also, I have this class—Presentations 111. All about speeches and knowing how to speak in front of crowds.

You see where I’m going, right?

I got to get my ass back into Toastmasters and clamp down my people-problem quick fast and in a hurry.

Cause something is coming and the tools are being laid out in front of me. I need to wake the fuck up and start taking it in.

Even if being in retail is NOT my end goal, I need to ride the tide and study harder. Learning how to present myself is an essential skill.

Well, better yet, I need to deal with this “I hate being around people” thing with actual earnest if I plan to get anywhere.

Slight Reversing

October 1st 2017

The other day, I mentioned I sent off an email to request a mentor for Toastmasters. I was given a response welcoming me and requested a time to do a phone conference to get to know me (as well as a request to pay an additional $51.00 on the day of the meeting). That meeting is coming up October 3rd…Tuesday.

I got that email Friday, I didn’t respond yet. Why?

At the heart of what’s going on, I have that ‘old man’ anger brewing. I don’t want to be bothered by people. I don’t want to smile and small talk. I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s the underlining hate that is spread throughout this journal.

Something I need to kill and stop fucking around if I want to do and go places.

Still, I dread the idea of needing to hear another person’s voice right now. Especially after spending a day being a ‘Yes ma’am’, ‘How can I help you?’ sounding asshole through the day at Walmart.

Oh, Walmart. I inherited a mess of extra little things with a forthcoming inventory and holiday season. I have to go in early Monday morning just to catch up without interference from management and customers. I worked Saturday. If I can weasel my way out of it, I will not work a full day on a Saturday again. It’s almost impossible to get anything done. It’s all customer service mode.

I would say “what did I get into” but I knew what I signed up for. Importantly, the reasons why.

Going back to Toastmasters, I would say “what did I get into” but I knew what I signed up for. Importantly, the reasons why.

Both are required things I must do to perfect my future. Like going back to college in the first place.

I need to shut the fuck up, squash that inner turmoil and walk the fuck forward. Both at job, academics and social growth.

I’ll respond to the email after this post.

Overall – A Good Week

I slapped a Google Analytics snippet on this blog to see if there are any visits or clicks and for the past week, zero. As of this date: 9/29/2017, there is no one reading my journal.

On one hand, it’s refreshing to post a journal online with complete anonymity to say as I please without direct confrontation for the thoughts and feelings I have at the moment of writing. Cause, looking back, I know I’ve said some shit.

No, there is no other hand to this story. I’d rather be free to express myself and write without getting feedback. What am I looking for? Attention? Am I that narcissist; typical of everyone else online — posting for shock value? What is the purpose of this journal if not for someone to read?

The purpose of this journal is a play-by-play journey of one man’s re-invention so others, who may have felt like me, can understand change can happen regardless of the vile thoughts and feelings one may have.

I think a lot of people lie to themselves in order to look clean in front of the masses. Especially when it comes to online presentations. For instance, if I posted that I beat the crap (literally) out of my cat and ditched him in some bushes, the online outrage could carry over into news articles! Seriously. The news gives paragraph space to small subjects just for viral sociability.

That would be terribly distracting to the purpose of this journal. At the same time, writing by hand, in a book, doesn’t allow others to see.

See what? That this man is, indeed, changing. Not necessarily in the interests of cat-lovers, but for the record, when I took Lando out of the car, he was alive and ran into the bushes. I had a dream last night that he found his way home. I certainly hope he doesn’t.

The changes are happening in my interactions with people and with adjusting to my responsibilities. College growth. Work growth. Stabilizing my often-slipping sanity. Those sort of things. Not needing Lexipro as often as I thought.

What I need to do next is round everything off with a better diet. I’ve been exploring a plant-based diet after watching “Forks over Knives” and other Netflix vegetarian programs.

I’m in-between meetings to the next toastmasters. I’ve warmed up to the feeling of getting a mentor and actually participating. I see the advantages of the experience.

Moving on, I met with the associates in my department (LaTonya and Murdock). Murdock seems like a typical-Jamaican asshole that will challenge anything. His every word, if any, is the sound of defiance. Every time I look up, he’s not where he’s supposed to be. LaTonya is cool but something about her is deceptive. Elusive. Smiling in my face, but she makes me uneasy. She does work, though.

So how do I handle having my own employees that I can’t 100% trust? I did the group meeting thing and advised of expectations. Sorta. The company has their own eval process that I’ll simply follow and leave it like that. Both associates do not work during the morning and I usually catch them on my way out.

I’ll be honest, unless they gave me a feeling of absolute compliance, I feel uncomfortable of the impending confrontations. In the past, I’ve always had to be in some sort of confrontation role with my own people. Black people, Jamaicans in particular, are assholes. Lazy fucks that don’t want to do shit and constantly throw their own people under the bus. It’s no wonder white people hate us.

Knowing this, what is this ‘reinvented man’ going to do? Fight…again? Get fired for fighting or saying something slick because the lazy fuck niggers I’m working with are assholes? Say nothing and look like a sucker-ass for not leading them?

Witness the ‘other’ nature of this journal. A place to think, vent and see my own words to make adjustments. You see, you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t hide your feelings or words. At the same time, you can’t let the people you’re referring to see or hear your words. This is just for ‘you’…so you can and ‘think’.

So, no. Going about my work day calling out the associates as Assholes won’t work.

I’ll play it by the numbers. Follow the corporate ready evaluation process and work with the associates and constantly imply that expectations needed to met in order for all of us to do our jobs efficiently. Follow the set Walmart eval plan, conduct them honorably and truthfully — let the slackers weed themselves out.

Keeping my personal thoughts to my journal. There is scripture: “It’s not what goes into the man that offends him. It’s what comes out.” The things I say openly can offend, not only them, but myself as well. I need to be a shining picture of grace as I move through this job.

That said, I had to hide a bunch of merchandise in my backroom. Stuff I had no time to work on and they didn’t want it on the sales floor. Like broken toys that need UPC codes. Shit I want to throw out but, of course, that won’t do. I just didn’t have the time. Hopefully, no one will find it and I’ll be able to work undisturbed. I’m going in early Saturday to handle that.

I just responded to the Toastmasters email(s) and requested a mentor. The next meeting is October 3rd. I have make sure I am mentally adjusted for this…particularly right after work. Come to think of it, I don’t even have any clothes to wear. That’s another re-invention topic.

Toastmaster

I received the email making me an official “Toastmaster” member. Along with the email were some food for thought: the opportunities to hold a position/office in the membership.

Now, if you read ANYTHING in this journal, you know my point of view about working with people. Do so if I must, but I hate it. Why would I bother to take on a position that requires me to interact with people? And not get paid for it, too?

Well, this is what this journal is for: to vent and think out the proper strategy.

What was the point of joining Toastmasters if I am not going to be active? I can’t just be a member and not master a toast. I mean, the original plan was to do just that. Not do any speaking, learn and take what I learn to where ever.

The ‘where ever’ is actually right now, to be honest.

I’ll need to speak at Walmart to my associates. To other associates and managers and not sound like an ass. I need to know how to deal with people in a group setting and speak intelligently without getting all nervous.

I’ll need to be able to speak as a professional lawyer.

In short, time to grow the fuck up and merge into society to be the professional I’m spiraling nonstop into. It’s only for the best. The ‘plan’ requires I ‘Be’ … so to undercut any process toward ‘being’ will only keep me back.

I’ll respond to the email and follow the process: request a mentor, look to be a part of the organization and take on a role, etc, etc.

Meanwhile, at the job, word has gotten out that I had prior experience. At first, people were surprised that I was promoted so soon… then they dug deeper and found out my background. I’m not completely sure what people think of me anymore. Maybe it’s because I stopped caring.

Looking above and beyond, remember?

Got two more A’s in my classes. Solid performance thus far. I won’t stop and I’ll carry this perfection over to Toastmasters.