Karma’s Bitch

January 24th, 2018

For all I know, by the time anyone reads these journal entries, I’m either dead, or alive somewhere wishing I never posted them. Regardless, I feel in order to explain this post, I have to paint a picture of the current era. I’ll try to be brief:

Donald Trump is president. He promised a boat load of tax reform that promised to see money in everyone’s pockets. Walmart and Disney recently gave out $1,000 bonuses to employees — implying this is the sum result of Trumps tax reform. Major retail stores are closing — implying intense competition from Amazon and other online shops. On the same day Walmart announced giving out bonuses, they closed some 60 Same’s Clubs and a few Market stores.

Today, I found out they are closing 180+ Toy’s R Us stores. One of them in my area. So that will be TWO major stores closed near me. Sam’s Club was across the street from Toy’s R Us. I use to work at the Walmart next to that.

Now, a few years back, there was a Target store near here and that was the first to go. Gradually, other stores were closing and Sears is about to close their doors in a few weeks.

What’s all this about?

Well, look at where Walmart is as centered in a box. All stores in this box is closed except for that one Walmart.

How much longer will it stay open?

Oh, so you’re wondering why I’m even thinking of Walmart at this time? Well, the wounds are still fresh. It’s only been a month. My wife came home from shopping there and said the shelves looked bare — considering we didn’t have a major storm or anything. There’s another Walmart one exit away and it was recently remodeled. The store I worked out isn’t, and as far as I know, no plans to be.

All these companies are saying they suddenly have money to give their employees. As if they didn’t have it before. Apple was recently forced to bring back some 30 Billion dollars from overseas. What the current administration is doing is supposedly making the atmosphere either HARD for these companies, forcing them to bring money back here — or EASIER for these companies to give out extra money.

It’s my opinion that these companies had the money to give bonuses to employees in the first place and are just giving Trump the praise for a little tax manipulation.

Apple was flush with cash for YEARS before this administration started and they seemed to be forced to bring the money back here from tax havens overseas. So, in that regard — only in Apple’s case — maybe there is something to the tax changes. Some sort of leverage play.

I’m not a tax genius by any stretch of the word, but it all seems rather lateral to me. Like the money has never changed. Just rerouted. Money given to employees as a so-called bonus was money they had extra anyway and it makes Trump look good. Money overseas was money owed in taxes anyway.

http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-apple-tax-20180122-story.html

Walmart’s generous bonus scheme is balanced out by closing stores. If you understand that NO business will give bonuses freely, and follow the money closely, you’ll see things haven’t changed. It all seems like a major PR stunt.

If I’m wrong, then a business like ‘Carrier’ will start offering bonuses and stop laying off people. Carrier was a company that Trump vowed will stay alive:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2018/01/10/carrier-plant-lay-off-215-workers-thursday/1022504001/

What do all these thoughts of the financial status of the world have to do with me?

Welp, this project I’m working on directly ties myself in with the service industry and the more these stores close down around here, the more likely property values drop and setting up shop in this area makes more sense than ever before. The stores may close, but the residents are still here.

Also, Amazon has Atlanta in the top 20 states to put a second headquarters and, believe it or not, this is the area it’s considering. Makes no sense, right? Fact is, the property values are falling and there’s space. Amazon typically posts up in lower-ranked locations.

And, as I said, my project is a service concept that actually would work well with Amazon. I can say, if I accomplish a few things, I was striving for a contract with Amazon no matter where they place their headquarters. Long story short, this may work in my favor no matter how things go.

I can’t say what the future holds for me — but I am trying every day to get it to one specific outcome — let the record show that on this day, I was sufficiently attuned to the current events that shaped what the heck I will try to do in the future.

That I got out of ‘retail’ right on time to pursue my degree. As you read in the previous journal entries, even when I was in Walmart, I knew it wasn’t for me and I needed something more. All these retail shops closing, I feel bad for career retail managers. What the hell are they going to do? Fuck ‘em. I know what I’m doing.

That said, let it be known that I called the potential closing of the local Walmart I worked at — a private ‘fuck you’ to the management working there.

Job Loss

December 29th 2017

On December 28th, 2017, I went into work to find out that they terminated me.

No warnings. No conversations.

Just released.

First, I have to say, I will never work for Walmart again. Ever. Under no circumstances or dire needs. Ever.

I want to say the same about any retail, but we shall see.

The reason: Attendance. I called out three times since July, but the reality is this management and I have crossed swords too many times, so I had no safety net.

On one hand, it’s the same old story for me. Gotta look for another job. The tired, endless rejections and begging to work somewhere. It’s exhausting and belittling.

On the other hand, I’m free.

I hated this place. I hated the customers that frequented that place. I hated the management for not letting me ‘manage’ my department. I dreaded every time I went into work and weaved every chance I could to work a schedule that did not include seeing anyone. It’s all documented in this journal my disgust for this company. Nothing new.

So what now?

School is doing well, but it was independent of working. What job I have (or don’t have) doesn’t affect my achievement at school. It’s all covered by financial aid. Regarding the process to change degree programs, it will occur after this current term (around late January).

The loss of the job is heavy though: a regular paycheck, medical insurance (again), child support payments, discounts. That sort of thing.

I’m content with the loss of Walmart, but maybe not how it went down and knowing I tried to offer much more than what they let me do.

My kids are here with me for the holidays. They go back next week around the second or third of January. I received my second to last paycheck. The last one will be for about a day or two.

Sigh.

The next job I want needs to be in harmony with my career choice.

But even that is imbalanced. Criminal justice? Information Technology? Lawyer? Right at this moment, I am feeling I don’t have direction when I thought I did. Walmart should not have been the catalyst to my direction. It wasn’t. It was just a paycheck.

Truth is, I feel a little lost at the moment. I think it will pass. Like this annoying cough I have had for a few weeks now. Odd how it started clearing up the moment I was let go from the job.

So what now?

I can’t spend my days mad. The kids are here. Let’s regroup and consider options after I take them home. Right now, brooding with them here won’t make things good.

I will say this: I think I’m getting sick and tired of my eldest daughter (16) coming to see me. She’s constantly in this angry, silent teen thing and, since I don’t suffer anyone, there is conflict from time to time. I find I conflict mostly with women anyway. Like women have this idea that they can say, do and give shit … and as a man, I’m supposed to ‘take it’ without saying anything.

Oh, no. I do say something, which seems to keep women at arms length from me. I’ve noticed that. Calling a spade a spade is necessary to prevent being a punk bitch. Everyone is always looking to make someone a punk bitch. But my daughter … she’s not within my influence. Not like my youngest daughter, from a different marriage. I see her often because she lives closer. I have equal amount of influence on her personality. She might not come out as surly as the eldest.

I hate that. Most of all, I hate her mother. Fucking whore. She drove the wedge between my daughter and I. Long, long story …but it helped me understand I know how to find missing persons when I went searching for them.

I’m angry right now. It will pass. I’ll try not to think of Walmart, old relationship dramas and wallow in unemployment sorrow AT LEAST till the kids go home.

For not even that long. Pity party quick and just find another job.

Tightrope

December 24th 2017

Did not get a write-up at Walmart. Walked in Thursday, worked Friday and Saturday — no sit downs. No ‘come to the office’ Nothing. I think it was because I ‘did’ tell a supervisor I was leaving (even though they considered him a low ranking supervisor). Well played on my part.

So, my schedule was 7-4 on Saturday. I’m off today (Sunday). You know I hate working full shifts on a Saturday. The zoo is in full swing.

And you might also want to know they (management) don’t want me to come in early anymore. I was coming to work at 3AM, leaving at noon to avoid the scum. They wanted me to stop doing that in order to have me around for the full shift when they are there.

Now, when I left Friday at 4pm, the shelves were practically empty. The people that come to this store — maybe all Walmart’s — are in this scavenger mode. I’m at this point where I can put ANY toy out and watch it vanish from the shelves. Last minute buyers are insane.

To be honest, the problem is what I mentioned earlier: adults feeling they need to buy a child in their family a ‘gift’, all look like they are laboring to do so. I watch these fools come through the department all day —- looking like they would rather not spend the money or play that ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ business. Today. In the world of internet access. You’re going to tell me you don’t know what the fuck you’re looking for? You certainly know how to jump on Facebook or twitter or find what store has your damn Jordan’s at.

The majority of adults shopping for children hate doing it and when they do buy something, it’s usually not what the kid wanted because they didn’t try to put any effort into it. Then you know what happens next: returns. Lots and lots of returns.

So, back to what happened …

With the shelves empty on Friday, and I know I have plenty of toys in the back room, and I know the overnight crew is NEVER efficient enough to put out the amount of toys I need them to do, I listened to my conscience and got there at 12:30AM to stock out as many toys as possible and help with the 12-shopping carts of returns.

Fuck ‘em. it’s my department. I do as I see fit.

So, I’m expected to leave at 10AM. They (management) is coming at me at 9AM wondering why I came in early.

It’s fucking two days before Christmas. Why the FUCK wouldn’t I? Especially if I’m off on Sunday and not coming in to do the freight.

Maybe, when I’m long gone, I hope someone from Walmart reads this and holds some sort of sympathy for a worker that gave a damn. Ha! Unlikely.

The upside: I cleared 8 of my bins in the backroom. The official bins, not the bins they randomly shoved toys into.

If they have any common sense, they’ll have all the toys taken out of the excess bins and off the pallets and onto the shelves last night. That should have been the focus for the past three nights but what the fuck do I know?

This is why I titled this entry ‘tightrope’. I’m playing a dangerous game with Walmart. Testing their authority against the right thing to do. If I DIDN’T come in, they wouldn’t have had toys on the shelf. Well, it’s not like I filled it ‘all’ … I’m just saying they wouldn’t have had as much as they did because I put out a lot of toys. Yes, ‘a lot is quantifiable.’

The problem with NOT talking about Walmart is, at this time, it’s the only job I have. School is on Christmas break until Wednesday. Walmart has dominated my life until whatever the future holds with this Bachelor’s degree. At the moment, it’s all I have.

By the way, the academic adviser never got back to me about changing majors. I probably missed her before she went on the break. Wednesday, my second class on Criminal Justice begins and I’m just wondering if it’s too late for me to make the switch to Digital Investigations. We’ll see.

Yesterday, I hired a local maid service to come through and clean the place. In the previous marriage, at the house I once lived in, we used a rent-able maid service almost on a weekly basis. At first, I was uncomfortable with it. After a few weeks, I was spoiled with it.

I guess that’s the reason I’m trying to have some understanding for my wife right now. She didn’t look comfortable with having people over cleaning her place.

So, one might suggest if your uncomfortable with people cleaning your place — why not clean it yourself. Save the money. Her cleaning aptitude — or maybe even her will to want to clean — is on the low end of the spectrum.

Me? I don’t mind cleaning, but the more I’m working and studying, the less I have the energy to do anything else. Same for her. I especially wanted the place cleaned for when the kids get here.

They did a great job. Mostly wiped down, vacuumed and tightened up the joint. Go into the corners of the bathroom we often overlook. Made it semi-showroom ready for guests. Even the bathroom towels and toilet paper were folded in hotel style corners. That was a sweet touch. I’ll call them back in a few weeks. Maybe once a month, you know?

So yes. I’m in a lifestyle shift where I’m hiring people to clean my place, making Christmas happen for the kids (each of them have a gift including my wife this year), everyone has medical insurance. I have money in the bank and in my pocket. I have 401(k) still at Apple and at Walmart. I’m happy (today) with a solid academic track record. Should I be fucking with Walmart’s authority if, indeed, half of my happy life is based on Walmart’s payroll?

It’s a leap of faith for me to say ‘my happy life is based on ME and changes I made’ … particularly when ‘me’ doesn’t pay ‘me’ $15.00/hr. Am I happy because I have money or because I’m improving my life?

Well, let’s break it down and tally the score based on HAVE MONEY/IMPROVED LIFE:

School was paid for 100% by federal loans. Not ONE dime out of pocket — to which I am grateful. If I had to pay out of pocket, I wouldn’t have been able to go. (Have Money)

I purposely made sure I paid off whatever previous payments in order for me to successful get the federal loans to go back to school. If I didn’t willingly focus on paying those off, I wouldn’t have been able to get the federal loans. (Improved Life)

My credit score went up TEN POINTS this month. (Improved Life)

I had the money to make payments to past bills to get my score to start rising. (Have Money)

I’m more than likely going to graduate in 2020 (Improved life)

My children are covered medically (Improved life) (Have money)

The more I look at this list, the reality is showing it’s not really the old saying “Money can’t bring you happiness.” Money and life improvement/happiness is a symbiosis cycle. One lives off of and reacts to the other.

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and always looking over my shoulder all the time (stressed), buying expensive cars, but needing to carry a gun at all times. It’s what I do to make money and how I use it.

I can have money, working at Walmart making $15/hr, dealing with asshole customers and management (stressed) and focused on dong the best for my family, paying off bills; and be happy.

or …

I can have money, but be a drug dealer and look out for my community and my family. Keeping a low key lifestyle and doing what’s right for others with the money I make. Very cautious and paranoid, but happy.

I can have money working at Walmart, spending my money on things other than my family or drinking it away. Always in debt and behind in my rent and other bills.

There is no right or wrong. If I had the tolerance to duck and dodge the federal government, law enforcement and people that wanted to steal my money, I’d be a drug dealer in a heartbeat. Still spending the money on improving my family without expensive cars. Well, no. I’d buy a corvette or a Tesla. Why? Cause I can imagine the stress of living daily with the assumption of getting killed or going to prison the next day is a ‘get it now before it’s too late’ kind of lifestyle.

At my age, I’m doing the right thing right now.

I just need to tweek it a bit. Somehow, more money would be nice. over the next few years while going back to school — without trying to be a drug dealer, thank you.

OH YES! Almost forgot. I started writing a script for a 30-page short film. For who? For me. After seeing ‘The Last Jedi’, which I was very disappointed in, the feeling I got was … I need to do a film of my own. So, I started writing something based on older characters I wrote about before. Something I can contain in limited locations and expense. The idea is I will start building film-making equipment and look to do something in the spring.

Where did that come from, right? I thought I abandoned film-making in favor of a serendipitous (holy shit! I spelled that right on the first go!) lifestyle through academic means. Well, like I said before — I’m doing so well in school, I feel I can get ANYTHING done.

Refocused-Realigned

December 20th 2017

If you count Monday, I’ve stayed home from Walmart three days and it’s been refreshing. Like I shed my dirty skin of that place and got back to basics.

My finals are coming back for the two classes I had this term and I got an “A” for PRES111 and I’m anticipating an “A” for ENG107. I honestly think I’ve lined myself up for another Dean’s List and I’m extremely excited about that.

You see, these are the things that matter most. Yes, I’m taking a hit in the wallet for taking these days off. But what I am gaining: perspective, is worth a million dollars. Could I have gained this peace and perspective while at work?

No. I haven’t reached that zen Buddhist level of peace under fire.

And under fire I certainly was.

Everything I do there seems unappreciated and challenged. So to come home and do what’s important to me successfully truly underscores Walmart’s loss is my gain. Time and time again, I wanted to give this place my all and upper management ego gets in the way.

I also ‘get’ why academia is important to the soul. Something I never understood before. Passing grades and success in school is treated like a score card. Like having lots of money is a score card. People think and treat you in a way befitting what your academic/financial success tells them.

You also treat YOURSELF better.

Never mind, as I have said before, that you may be good at what you do WITHOUT a degree. The professional acknowledgement of your skills is better than acknowledging to yourself alone. It doesn’t even help with the self-esteem.

Getting honors at school sets the record in your own spirit that you do know what the fuck you are doing—if at least in academia—so the flaws or conflicts you have in other things don’t come off so harshly.

I swore I was doing a good job at Walmart as a department manager. Upper management makes me feel I am not doing a good job. Self-confidence I’m building academically is telling me I can challenge their assessment whereas before, when nothing else was working out in life for me, my confidence level was lower than dirt.

Walmart is just a fucking job and I need to treat it as such.

What I do need to do is roll over that confidence to other things: writing, law school, another job.

These past few days have bolstered my energy levels and reminded me I’m better than Walmart and it’s management. Well, let me rephrase. Not ‘better’, but just on a different path that conflicts with Walmart’s ego culture.

I believe I’ll be walking into Walmart tomorrow to get written up (Coached) for leaving Monday. Like I said, I did tell a supervisor but they’ll try to weave that into a ‘thing’. I’m prepared to go there without worrying about it.

Might even do some overtime to get more money out of that place. I’m on winter break with my studies. All is moving smoothly.

OH! I never mentioned, a week or so ago, I got an email from the Southern Poverty Law Center and it’s volunteer department. The idea was to volunteer with the group so I can get closer to the workings of practicing law. Make a connections.

So yes, of course, I never responded back. That’s my to do right after I post this. I have to fight this anti-social thing. It’s practically a ‘vice’.

Update:

I had a chance to speak to my cousin. He’s a cool source of inspiration. We spoke about the possibility of me changing majors. He thought a criminal justice could only go so far. I’ve been feeling that as well. It’s mostly for a glorified security guards.

Not far from the same work is something of interest to me:
Bachelor of Science in Information Technology degree with a specialization in Digital Investigations.

Still investigations but focused on IT, which is a more in demand field each passing year. This way, before and during law school, this degree would do something more for me than criminal justice.

Done with Walmart

December 18th 2017

I get up, often, 3am to get to work at 4am.

The departments are usually a bloody mess.

I would like to think. when I do come in. I do a lot of work I’m supposed to.

Christmas season is the worst.

So from 4am till 7am its really a lot of recovery.

But we have a bitch store manager that didn’t think I did anything.

So, I clocked out and went home.

I’m sick of this job. I’m sick of this bitch store manager. I’m sick of everything right now. Under appreciated is the general feeling.

I’m calling out tomorrow and I’m off Wednesday. Ill go back Thursday. I need these days to rethink. Cause this job isn’t it. Not it at all.

More like this ‘life’ isn’t it for me. To be honest.

Customer and Management Scum

December 16th 2017

Having a hard time with being at Walmart and I don’t know why it’s so bad. More than ever.

Actually, I know why. The usual: it’s Christmas season. The customers are assholes. The management are assholes. I’m not ‘managing’ my department the way I would like and I’m constantly fighting over creative control of how to put a fucking box on a shelf with the other management.

Really. I could set up a display or feature of items, and the next day, it’s taken down. Fuckers. If I can’t come to work with a desired purpose to get work done, without it being re-worked every time I turn, then it’s no wonder I feel the way I do. So, I come to work focusing on my own work (i.e, school, writing, etc) and Walmart just gets ‘enough’ during my shift.

It needs to be said, I never started into this position feeling this way. I wanted to give my all, but management is playing by a rule book that doesn’t allow me to be a leader. So fuck ‘em.

That said, for the past few days, I’ve been leaving early.

I’m on lunch now, but I already scheduled PTO (Paid Time Off) to leave at 1pm. It’s 11:28am. The goal is to go back to work after lunch, work an hour, and go home at 1pm. I’m off tomorrow. I was scheduled to 4pm. It’s not a cool environment to work on a Saturday at a Walmart during the holidays. They have no cashiers so their asking Department Managers to come up front. Bad enough I can’t stand customers as it is.

Speaking of customers, let me give a snapshot of the shit I commonly have to deal with:

* An associate buys an un-assembled bike. She brings it back because she wants the one that was pre-built. No problem. I bring her the exact same bike and she thinks its too small. Fine, she goes and gets another pre-built bike. It’s the same maker and name, but bigger. The original bike was 12 inches. The new one is 20 inches. She’s wanting the 20-inch bike for the same amount of money as the 12 inch. Myself and everyone else are like: “No.” But she, again another employee, is looking to speak to management to get the price changed.

* Customer is looking to buy her son a weight set. She wants the tilted platform with rack. I tell her the “Weights and the bar for the weights do not come with the rack, but we sell them separately.” She doesn’t want them separately and scoffs at the price of the weights and bar against the rack. Of course the rack will be cheaper than the weights. I told her to shop around for cheaper weights but this is how they sell them here. If the bitch wanted the weights included, she’d be paying three times as much.

What I’m finding is many adults really hate shopping for kids. And they do the worst thing possible: a slow inspection of a toy they’re going to buy and judging it based on whether or not THEY would like it. It’s ridiculous to see—watching people study a fucking Nerf gun and making decisions if they, themselves, would like it. It’s true. I hear them all the time: “Oh, I don’t like this toy, but it’s on their list.” or “It’s for my daughter. I wouldn’t play with it.”

Another issue is the customer that comes in asking me “Would I get this toy for a 5 year old kid?”

First of all, you got to be an asshole if you think every five year old kid is the same as your bratty fuck kid. The fucking kid down the block will want different toys than another kid. What does YOUR specific kid want?

Second, when I DO give a recommendation, why the fuck would you tell me “No, he wouldn’t like it.” Especially if your ass doesn’t know what a five year old wants in the first place?

To all fucked up customers that shop at ANY retail, I say this: Stop asking for recommendations for your kid. We don’t know your bastard ass sperm-result. We don’t want to know your fucking kid and if anyone dares to even suggest an item for your kid, stop acting as if you know if your kid would like it or not.

If you DID know what your kid likes, you’d just get the fucking toy and stop being cheap bastards. Cause you KNOW the kid asked for Xbox in the first place so you’re just trying to dumb down.

Sigh.

I’m off in an hour. Off tomorrow. Will finish the last of my school work for this term and focus on what’s important because Walmart and the customers suck ass.

On a brighter note, I’m fleshing out another novel concept. A story I have had for years (in addition to the hundreds of others locked up). But I feel this is the right time to work this particular story. I’ll try not to make the mistakes of the past novel by planning it better, get it done faster and with tighter edits the first time around.

That Social-Thing Again

December 14th 2017

So, I went to the observation class … and you guessed it … that churning annoyance overwhelmed me: Do I really want to be in an environment with other people? Least of all, being touched by another person. Cause, without a doubt, if you’re going to learn a martial art, it’s a contact sport and like Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

My personal “punch in the face” is the reality that I don’t want to be around anyone. Also, I see I have an anger that isn’t appropriate for ‘sparring’. Which is why I never liked play fighting while growing up. A rage thing that understands the only reason to fight someone is to hospitalize the opponent. People with better control are apt to sparring and play fighting better than I could.

So that defeats my desires to study a martial art and I was fairly upset about it last night. I sat there cringing: the idea of needing to “pair up” with a partner … practice forms — “team up” and “work with your partner” … vile concepts that made me want to throw up.

Yeah. That’s the POINT of studying a martial art. You can’t study alone in some mountain top without knowing the feeling of throwing an opponent. You need to adapt your body to randomness of power, weight and motion of another human being.

All of which repulsed me. More than I expected. I mean, come on. I did it before. I took Aikido, Karate, Judo, etc, etc over my lifetime — regardless of how brief. But then again, this might have explained my lack of interest back then. I LOVE the concept of martial arts. The beauty of the styles and concepts.

I hate the people. Any people.

Perhaps I couldn’t identify it when I was younger. But here I am, a crotchety old and getting older man and it’s worse than ever. There’s an inner me that is screaming that I want to “join” and “be part of” with others — in marital arts. At Toastmasters.

But when I show up, I get hives. Self conscious. Fear about how I look or what I said wrong.Then I spend days later replaying every wrong thing I said or analyzing what someone may have said to me. Like a constantly damning recording of my own blooper reel.

And then it all translates to ‘hate’ of being around people.

Even if nothing happened in reality. Somehow, my mind makes a mountain out of a molehill. I know this. I can’t help it. So, that was the prime reason to study a martial art as well: control of all of this shit.

But if GOING to a dojo brings anxiety alone … then what the fuck??? How the hell will I get anything done?

You know, while I sat there at the observation class, the instructor, who apparently was taught by the guy who was taught by Bruce Lee, talked about Bruce’s style and such. I was thinking about why I couldn’t find one solid Wing Chun instructor — high in a mountain — that I could call master for three-five years, then come back from this mountain with a whole new skill set.

Knowing me, if said mountain top instructor decided to take on a second student, I’d quit. The fuck am I going to do?

On other notes, this has generally been a good week. Money was tight going into Christmas so I cashed in on an old 410(k) plan I had with Apple. I left a size-able amount there, but I took, like $1,000 out ($700.00 after all the fucking taxes and fees) plus cashed out the Walmart stock I had. Each pay period it deposits more anyway so I needed the money to get things for the holidays. If I didn’t do it when I did it, we would have had some financial issues here.

Even bought us a Christmas tree. I mean, we get one every year. This year was a little different. We did a really classic thing yesterday: cut our own tree. I impressed my wife with my outdoors man skills lol. A nice 7-footer and really full.

This tree kind of symbolizes how I have been feeling much of this year. Without counting my erratic hate for people, my life this year has been full, well founded and lit up. With presents about to be placed. Some would say, equally, ‘cut down, destined to die and shedding’ …. I choose to look at the upside of the tree/life symbol.

Got us a much needed couch/sleeper so when my kids get here, they aren’t subjected to the damn air mattresses again. It should be here by Tuesday.

This will be my first Christmas that I actually bought my kids things. All others was paid for my wives past and I hated that dependency. Still, as much as I want to get things for them, I’m trying to create a balance where, after the holidays, I’ll have some money in reserve. It’s almost impossible.

But, I’m still working. Even as close to the edge I am of quitting or getting fired, I’m still working and coming up on six months at Walmart in January.

How’s school? The same: 4.0 GPA. All assignments in on time and written with extensive efforts. I’m in the last week of this term for English 107 and Presentations 111. The next class starts late December after a few days Christmas break. I think I saw it was “Careers in Criminal Justice” and something else. Forgot what it was. What I do know: a “Math” class is on the near horizon and this is where we start seeing my grades plummet.

Actually, that’s not a fair assessment. I’ve been doing gangbusters these past months and I refuse to let it change.Just that Math and I have been bitter enemies for eons.

Aside from that, it’s fucking odd how going back to school has been a breeze. Sounds cocky, I know. Math is coming. It’ll put me back in perspective. Another form of being “hit in the face”, per se.

Avoiding Anger While the World Burns.

December 8th 2017

Walmart is killing me.

Suffice to say, working with ANYONE is killing me. I’m officially incapable of negotiating with, working with, leading and being led by other people. Constantly battling common sense verses peoples ridiculous egos and poor leadership. Having no power creates conflict and who wants the power to lead these idiots?

If it’s not Walmart, it’s even at my university. I have a bitch-of-a-professor teaching Presentation 111. You can’t say anything without her arrogant ass snapping at you other students. She’s a fucked up teacher and I have to stick to the letter of the law in order to get around this cunt. This is the same one that fucked me with the B- until she realized she wasn’t grading correctly.

The less I have to deal with her the better. Just a week left anyway.

But you see, I can go through life CONSTANTLY saying: I don’t have to work with so-n-so for long. Just a few more days. Just a few more months. Just a few more years. The question is: when will the people you work with fucking grow up or lead better? When will they change? The answer is never and you’re dealt with learning to have to deal with stupidity instead of stupidity needing to change.

Now, alternatively, stupidity is relative. They could be thinking they are on the right path. My judgement of shit that isn’t working is based on how much shit rolls downhill to me that I have to deal with. Miscommunication. Combative upper management with conflicting orders.

Cunt teachers that have an attitude all the time.

I’d ask myself how I dealt with past jobs when I had such conflict and you’ll then know why I had so many jobs over my life time. I can’t leave this one. Not again. But I’m angry. Always angry. I dread going into the job. I have no outlet to scream, yell, punch …nothing.

I am happy with the progress with my education, though. Of course, I love my children.Knowing that I have insurance for them and some money coming in every two weeks is reassuring. These are the things that stay my anger. Not for long, though. Tomorrow is another day. I have to go in.

I’m doing homework and assignments due tonight. I’m sitting on this idea to give the regional and store manager a health report of my department at Walmart that would end up feeling like a thesis for school. I’m sitting on it because it means I’m committing myself to giving a fuck about Walmart if I write it. But Walmart doesn’t give a fuck about me so why should I produce a 20 page ‘what I want to do for my department’?

Especially if retail isn’t my end goal.We confirmed that weeks ago. This is temporary. Just two ½ more years. (Eyes rolling).

On other news, I’m noticing that the world is in turmoil. Much more than usual. In recent months, maybe over the past year and a half, it seems like a nationalist movement is taking over globally and, recently, old racial differences are flaring up. Even major political figures are claiming “times were better in the past, even though there was slavery.” (Roy Moore, Alabama). And this man isn’t shot dead yet? Nope, as of this date, he might even win a major race going on in Alabama right now.

Trump is president and the world just gotten eviler. People are being outed on sexual harassment charges daily. Politicians admitting to sexual harassment are still thinking they’ll stay in office. Trump himself wins the office even though he said blatantly foul things.

But President Obama was forced to reveal his birth certificate to prove he was American.

White nationalists, the new PC term for racist bastard, need to be eradicated. Sooner than later, they’re going to get the war they’re looking for by doing something stupid. Odd thing is, for eight years, they had a chance to do so with president Obama in office. I’m sure he had more than his fair share of death threats; but that exemplifies the cowardice of these nationalists. They waited until someone like Trump to get in office to talk big. I don’t recall this much noise for eight years. Not like this. For eight years, Blacks in this county came behind President Obama and showcased for all to see we outnumber them.

Which is the problem with the brainwashing of ‘voting’. A group of people put one man in office, they think they are the majority. Trumps in office because the majority DID NOT VOTE. I think I covered this in a previous post.

Look, I can figure things out enough to say the world is burning and I can’t do anything about it. Even if Trump was assassinated, the whole mode of world events will only herald a darker, worse series of events that likely lock down everything. Truth be told, Trump and the White Nationalists don’t directly affect me. At least, not until I get into a law firm. Walmart does and I’m much more aggravated by the people that work there than world events. I can’t solve world hunger. I can make sure my kids eat.

This is why people put on blinders. You have to disconnect. Otherwise you’ll be angry all the time.

Update: December 14th 2017

Roy Moore LOST the Alabama Senate race. Why? Because the majority — African-Americans — turned out and voted. Proof, as I mentioned, it’s not that Trump won by majority. It’s more like the majority didn’t vote. He won by what’s left over. By default cause Blacks, really didn’t vote for Clinton either. If a qualified Black politician (underscore—qualified), ran for president against Trump, he would have been a distant joking memory.

“ …a full 96 percent of Black voters in Alabama Tuesday supported Jones, including 98 percent of African-American women. “Black women led us to victory. Black women are the backbone of the Democratic party,” Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted Wednesday morning, “and we can’t take that for granted. Period."

https://www.npr.org/2017/12/13/570531505/black-votes-matter-african-americans-propel-jones-to-alabama-win

Rough Days

November 30th 2017

I usually don’t like the holidays. These days, being in retail, it’s the worst. Customers, or at least from this area of Georgia, are living breathing assholes that don’t give a fuck. Imagine leaving a full cart of chicken in a shopping cart (buggy, depending on what side of the swam south you’re from)…in the toy aisle. That’s across the store only to leave it there. Fucking animals.

On other notes, I let my mother know I achieved dean’s list and she sounded genuinely proud of me. I can’t understand why I’m cautious with her. Past hurt I guess. I’ll take her on her word.

My wife is home so I feel better than I did the other weekend. Odd how I let her absence bother me so.

I started the first steps of building that website to help find missing people. I think I titled the site appropriately. I have the domain name and I’m sketching out how I’m posting and adding data to the site with contributions down the line.

In order to ignore the shit storm that is Walmart, I really need to get my head wrapped around success at my school work and the idea of being a private investigator/lawyer. I go to work pissed knowing I can’t accomplish anything there. Why should I even be concerned with that damn job?

Need the money. Need the insurance.

I can get those things in a better career. Until I can make headway, I’m just biding my time.

But I do have to give the job the best I can while I’m there, and it turns out that even that is cockblocked by poor, confused upper management.

I considered writing my regional manager for the store a paper. Something to the effect: “The problem with our store and how to fix it”. I’d send it anonymously.

Would it matter? Why would I take the time to write that when I have papers in school to finish. Fuck Walmart, right?

Always a thin line between saying ‘fuck the job you’re at’ and ‘needing to do a good job to keep it’. I’ve never been that good at doing a basic job. Others seemed to master it: just showing up. Doing just enough.

Christmas is coming. I get to have some of my kids with me for the holidays. That’s always special to me. This year I’ll actually have money to get them something for Christmas.

To that end alone: I am grateful for being at Walmart.

Exit Clock Started

November 21st 2017

I lost semi-control today. All indications point toward an eventual breakdown if I don’t tighten things up.

The job is very stressful. Much more stressful than I remember it being. Maybe it’s because there’s a host of female management in the store—maybe it’s because I’m a different person than I was back 15 years or so. Wow. 19 years since I was I first started with Walmart and left the company?

Yeah, I am different. We acknowledged that I am not that same person. Not by a long shot.

Still, working for women is like working for an erratic, sinking boat: no matter what’s happening, make sure the boat looks pretty. But we’re fucking sinking.

I snapped at the store manager over the radio today so, naturally, that was addressed. I was wrong… I know that. Second time I snapped at these fools, really. Look back at the Santa Claus entry.

So, they sat me down and wanted to know what’s wrong. Why do I ‘spazz out’ every once and awhile? Their words, not mine.

Spazz out.

Heavy sigh.

What am I doing here? In Walmart. All I kept thinking when she spoke about a whole bunch of bullshit on leadership, respect, etc.

Somewhere in her speech, I told her I declined the ‘future leadership’ position. I think that was for the best, really. I don’t want to be an assistant manager. I don’t want to work with retail or these people for longer than it takes to get this degree and get the fuck out.

I almost quit today.

Bad as it is, I ‘told’ my direct manager that I was leaving. I had 30 or so minutes left before my shift ended, but I told him I had to go—like right now. I could not be in this store after I made my apologies for snapping as I did.

I was frustrated. As I’m sure everyone else is. I speak my mind. Probably not the best thing I should do. But I hate being kept silent on things that must be said.

So, I came home and slept for an hour and a half. Took a shower. Prayed. Yeah, I do that. It’s a part of my life that actually works — with evidence. Odd thing is, I often pray to say the right things at the right times and for God to guide my words.

Is that what happened today? Were things that needed to be said — said?

Well, in the end, all I feel is stupid, ashamed, and opened myself up to potential write-ups.

They asked why I was frustrated. I tell them I am called all day to do various tasks—a hundred things pulling me in different directions— and in response, the store manager tried to belittle how I felt by trying to check-off each task and wondering where my priority are.

When some of ‘their’ priorities are ‘making the ship look pretty’ while the ship is sinking.

While my departments have bigger priorities than what they want. Or if I’m asked to do a task by another manager, they expect me to nix him and make sure their shit is taken care of. Who am I to say no to management? I could spend the whole day saying one manager has me doing something else and I can’t do what you need.

So I’m sitting here looking at my bottle of Lexapro. It’s an old prescription; I stopped taking it maybe a year ago, with an occasional one if I feel a lot of anxiety. Like now.

Stuff makes me nauseous. Then I’m a zombie only to eventually level out a month or so later. No desire to do anything. No passion. It kills creative energy.

When I was writing, this stuff was NOT recommended so I stopped taking it.

I’m not writing these days, so whats the excuse. Might even help me get through my school work.

I know this much: I’m sick of moving from job to job. I’m in here…Im not fired. I didn’t quit. I can still make something of this Walmart experience.

The problem is I showed them my unstable hand. My anger. Oh yes, I am angry. But I showed them it. That I reach tipping points easy. declining the future leaders shit probably didn’t help either.

Still, It’s for the best. I know it is. I feel it is.

At the end of the discussion, they suddenly had all these people they can send over my department to help me. Suddenly, after months of asking for more help, seeing my frustration, the availability of more associates in a department that needs more people during the Christmas season, will be obliged. I told them, “It’s sad that it had to come to this for me to get more associates.”

And that right there is what I am feeling. I had to near blow up for them to make changes. We’ll see how those changes play out. We shall see.

But I’m not going to lose my mind just to get my job done. This management are fools and I’m sick of them. They drew out my anger — my fault, but now I see how far they will push souls before they do something smart. Or at least ‘say’ they will do something smart.

So maybe I did say what needed to be said:

“I officially decline future leadership. I do not want to be an assistant manager.”

It stunned them but so what.

What it did was officially start my exit clock with the company. I’ll still do my best with the departments I have but — you know what — I already said it here in this journal: long enough to til getting the bachelors degree.

What I really need is a new plan.

And a new prescription.