Grade issues

November 15th 2017

I’m mad. I got a B- on a Discussion Board project. I don’t agree with it and I already shot an email out to the instructor.

According to the feedback, it said I did not participate with in the discussion during the week. But I did. I always do and I do it on time.

So, I sent her an email, addressing each date and time I responded, substantially I might add, to the other classmates and asked her what’s going on. Currently waiting for a response.

What’s interesting to note is my current fury. I feel I got robbed as I’m looking for perfection in my grades. Considering I’m working my ass off to go to work at this ridiculous job and attempt to do this school work with my eyes open when I’m dead tired most nights: the fuck right I’m going to challenge fucked up grades.

I want perfection. I’ll know if I don’t deserve it.

It got me thinking also: here I am at the mercy of someone else. You play by the rules, try to decipher what is explained to you and do what you’re supposed to do and you got to beg for what you want. It’s done at work…and here I am doing it at school.

You can say: that’s how it is, You have to fight for the things you want.

I say: Fuck people. Why do they make your life difficult? These are the micro-reasons that just keep building and building why I can’t stand interacting with anyone. Yes, yes, yes…I know I have to, but look at the shit I have to deal with?

In regards to this grade, it could be a mistake and by sending an email, I’m addressing it and maybe it will be okay and fixed. If it’s not, we take it up a notch because I’m going to dispute it depending on the answer.

At work, you are given a department to manage but upper management feels they want to micro-manage everything you do: place a box here…they don’t like it … move the box. At what point will you truly manage your department? You can’t. Walmart has this thing now called “One Best Way”: streamlining how all Walmart’s need to operate and be ONE way.

So, this White guy is a regional and everyone is jumping around to respond to how he wants things. No one…NOT ONE PERSON … is responding to how the customers want things. Things they don’t ask but if you work the neighborhood, you know what works and doesn’t work for the demographics. Instead, they all jump around to do things that meet the regional expectations and he isn’t even from the neighborhood. He’s not even the demographic!!! We have shit at the store that won’t sell because no one in the neighborhood will buy it. Still, we have to do it the Walmart One Best Way. One Best Way assumes all the customers are One Way. Fuck is that about?

So what am I managing? Nothing. I’ve disconnected long ago. I’m where I need to be for school but I’m still not firm about being an assistant manager.

As for school, I’m getting back to it. I’ve known since I started these new classes, the devil is in the details. I have to tighten up a few things. I get that.

But, with this grade…a goddamn B-????? The FUCK is that. Fuck no. Unacceptable.

Stay tuned.

Additional Note: (2 hours later): Still no response but I just had to add … this grade really pisses me off. If I’m not working hard now, than what does that say for the years upon years I thought I was working hard before? At what point can I be in control of the things I do with an outcome that is commensurate to the amount of effort and hard work I put into it? Once again, I subject to what others have to say and I can’t stand it. I went through this with my attempts at film. My novels. Is there anything I can do, that I work hard at, that won’t fail? Or fail to get recognized?

This grade and her feedback is like how I never really got any reviews for my work. I’m like a fucking ghost to the industry. Sure, people like the work when they find it…if they find it. But i’m invisible. I’m thinking this instructor probably missed my work and forgot to add the grade…which doesn’t make sense since she graded the other portions of it.

Fucking people. I swear to God. I SWEAR TO GOD … I will plan a way to be free of dealing with people.

Am I overreacting? Probably.

But I deserve fucking better.

Update: 11/17/2017 – The grade was upgraded to an ‘A’. She says it was becomes of technical problems that didn’t allow her to see the responses. So, what the fuck are you grading if you can’t see the work? Stupid bitch.

Do you see why I hate being at the mercy of people? I’ll find a better way.

Coming Crescendo

November 13th 2017

There is something building in the horizon.

Remember how I said I needed to join the Toastmasters in order to present myself better moving forward into law? And you know how I never went to a meeting since?

Recently, I’ve been rumored to be part of this future advancement leadership program that leads toward Assistant Manager. I say ‘rumored’ because I haven’t heard much about it since it was offered.

A young woman that is in the program was nice to give me some details to prepare for the next meeting from an email I never received: read a book about how some guy in a submarine survived against all odds, create an elevator speech, etc, etc.

Come to find out, most of the stuff they are requiring me to know are the same things I should be studying in—guess what?—- toastmasters.

Also, I have this class—Presentations 111. All about speeches and knowing how to speak in front of crowds.

You see where I’m going, right?

I got to get my ass back into Toastmasters and clamp down my people-problem quick fast and in a hurry.

Cause something is coming and the tools are being laid out in front of me. I need to wake the fuck up and start taking it in.

Even if being in retail is NOT my end goal, I need to ride the tide and study harder. Learning how to present myself is an essential skill.

Well, better yet, I need to deal with this “I hate being around people” thing with actual earnest if I plan to get anywhere.

The Death of Retail Approaches

November 12th 2017

It’s been a good week. The new classes began: English Composition and Presentations. My work is caught up and I ended that dreadful criminal justice intro with an A. The percentage was a little low but I’ll take it and be satisfied; maintaining 4.0 status and hopefully going into another dean’s list.

I’m also in this non-credited class called “Career Management”. I’m not 100% sure what I’m going to get out of this but going in, I don’t want my resume to look like a jigsaw puzzle of random jobs anymore. If I’m going into law, I can’t have Macy’s, Walmart, Target, Delta, that factory, security positions, etc, etc. I’m hoping this class will help me manage a new career.

Just in time, too. If I take a step back and look at my work at Walmart, I have to say I’m doing a fair job without the help I need. Still not enough workable associates to work with. Heading into Christmas season and keeping the ship afloat just barely everyday. I want to rant about the constant Walmart issues and customers. I won’t. AS testament that I’m moving past this shit and into important things—above and beyond, remember? Walmart will never, ever change. Been to three-four different Walmart’s in my lifetime and the problems are exactly the same.

Me, however—-I’m in the middle of an evolution.

I’m casting this random employment life away; killing off the ‘need to be where I’m at’ and replacing it with ‘I’m at where I want to be’. A real career.

Sadly, I still regret not achieving the author, animator, filmmaker career I wanted.

But recently I discovered it’s okay. I can still achieve it after I get the bachelor’s degree and go back to school to study animation/film-making/etc and have the money to do so. Even more, have the mental ability to do so.

During the career management class, we were to write about where we are in our lives. I commented that I feel I am retaining information better these days than I did when I was younger. I mentioned it was a cosmic joke that I’m 49 years old and I’m remembering everything clearly than ever before when I could have used it growing up.

That said…my birthday was recently (November 7th). It’s been common practice that I don’t celebrate my birthday.

I feel good. I look good. I’m doing better things — on my terms — than ever before. Not the terms of someone I married. Not the terms forced on me. All MY terms. I see a future that I’m a willing participant in.

I think I will celebrate my 50th birthday like never before.

A moment of old me

November 5th, 2017

This is going to be long.

A touch complicated, but worth reading. It’s not often that you
get a chance to understand yourself, your past and why you are you. I got my
chance and I appreciated it.

If you plan to change your life, and you are on a steady path to
doing so, you MUST witness or sample your old ways of ‘you’ along the way
to get repulsed and/or get a logical understanding why you got ‘there’ so
you won’t ‘get there’ ever again.

Example: In the book/movie ‘Shogun’, the lead character was
taken from his crew and spent a long time with the Japanese. Learned their
ways, learned to take baths and essentially changed. When he goes to visit his
crew on another part of the island, he’s clearly uncomfortable being with them.
He wasn’t the same man he used to be. First thing he does when he gets away
from them is strip and burn his clothes and takes a bath after spending time
with them itching.

Now, let’s gets back to how it relates to me …

Quick recap:

I’m in American Intercontinental University. Studying Criminal
Justice. No real passion for the subject but a clearer path to law since it
seems likely that I’ll do well with the LSAT’s. I will receive a Bachelor’s
Degree in 2 ½ years with honors.

I work for Walmart—again.

I started as a regular associate, became a department manager in
under 90 days. Working toward assistant manager, which I’m not certain I want
anymore. I’m attracted to the money but not the shit drama of the company
processes. NO WALMART ever has their management team in order. If they say they
do, they are lying. Nevertheless, I am doing well as a department manager and
maybe I can make that work till law school. Maybe. I don’t know.

All this from an uncertain future that ended in April of this
year when I decided to apply to go back to school and stop taking shit jobs.
The last shit job I had was at a factory. I went back to Walmart because I knew
the game and could make it work for me. Thus, department manager in less time
than most.

So, yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday.

Christmas season is coming so each department has these cornball
events. You know, seasonal sections that are specifically for the approaching
holiday. Much of the previous month was Halloween — candy, costumes that sort
of thing.

Once November 1st hit, it was all about Christmas — which
means ‘toys’ and that’s my department. One of two: I have sporting goods
and toys.

Before I get into the problems, I should explain my approach
with this job that is the secret to my success: I say ‘yes’.

You see, management are suckers and easily manipulated just
because they need someone who doesn’t push-back. When everyone is telling them
‘no’ or ‘I can’t’, the lone man that says ‘yes, it will be done’ can be king.
While it can be perceived as ‘brown nosing’ or sucking up, when management
gives you a million things to do and you’re saying yes, I know you’ll only get
1% done but all they heard is that you said ‘yes’ and that’s all that
matters. Even though the impossibility of doing a million things just won’t get
done.

I know this because in the past, I was a manager. The vilest
thing on earth is to ask an employee to do something and they complain, say
they can’t and give push back. It frustrates the manager. Everyone is ticked
off and the work is forced on someone.

They need you to pick up pallets, “Yes. I’ll take care of
it.” They need you to stock shelves and zone the area — sure, why not. They
want you to do a million other things at the same time? Sure, no problem.

Do I get all of it done? Of course not.

However, I do make attempts to try to do so. After all, they are my departments, right?
Physically, it won’t happen especially if they don’t have associates on the
payroll working with me. I’ve been the lone worker for my two departments until
one or two others come in at random times. They don’t work as hard as I do,
either. Always talking shit, slow or taken to other departments. I really don’t
fit them in my work equation at all.

So, in order to get my work done, I prioritize the important
things and work on a schedule that works for me. Which is why I have been
coming to work early mornings a lot these past few weeks. I simply can’t get
anything done with customers and management in the way. I would show up at 3am
and leave at noon; totally avoiding the pesky managers all giving different
orders and priorities.

Another part of my success is that I keep my own priority list.
Most things they want me to do is just not as important as what they think it
is. They are following a Walmart playbook that works for white, low-selling,
moderate and conservative stores/regions. Like a test store that has no
customers and is perpetually clean with one associate.

A real store doesn’t have time to put up rollback flags and new
flags on items when the customers keep knocking them off. Or prices on basketballs
that keep getting filled with different price points—causing conflict at the
register when they say they found it for one price though it rings up another.
Same with air mattresses. Slide the box over one space from $64.00 to $24.00,
they swear they need to get it for $24.00. Do I want to argue with customers
everyday about that? No…I remove the prices and they are forced to ask and
find out. The customer that ‘wants’ the item will still buy it.

In any case, maybe because it’s the season, but my departments
are up daily. Better than having a department not run by a capable manager, in
any case.

So, let’s get to it. They wanted me to wear this Santa Clause outfit.

Now, any other day, I wouldn’t have had trouble with that idea.
It would be fun, I’d just roam the store and do no work. I get it.

However, I have prioritized a bunch of other things for the
Christmas seasonal section. You see, by this time, the shelves in that section
(away from the regular toy section) should have been filled. Typically, a list
came down of toys that would be coming late so we had to fill the empty spaces
with other toys until the real ones came in.

No problem, I get that.

What the fucks did when I was off the clock and at home the
previous day, was pull the toys that were SUPPOSED to be there and fill in
randomly everywhere else in addition to bringing in loads of other toys. Making
extra work and ruining the set modular that was in place.

On top of that, I go digging in the backroom and find a lot of
the missing toys that overnight didn’t put out. So, they moved all the toys in the
seasonal section for absolutely no reason. All they had to do was do their jobs
and put out the toys that we had. Sounds confusing? Don’t worry about it.
Bottom line: Overnight sucks ass as always. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a
million times: Overnight employees at all jobs are unsupervised assholes.

So, I’m getting repeated calls to fill the toys in seasonal as
well as my own regular section. Keep in mind, it’s mid-day and I have no one
working with me. I complain that I have no associates and all I get is “that’s
a problem for everyone”. So, when it gets like that, my feelings have been to
shrug and just do what I can and leave it alone.

Oh, yes…I’m still saying yes … but yesterday was different.

I had so much to do, I purposely delayed getting this Santa
clause shit happening. In fact, I did NOT want to do it and refused many, many
times. The even would start at 1:00 PM. By 1:30 PM, they’re asking me why I’m
not in the suit. That’s when I let them have it. I did the one thing that I
wasn’t supposed to do: I pushed back.

First, I said this event was a low priority joke. I have all
this freight and no associates. You gave me a list of things so I prioritized
this event as low. If it didn’t happen, I had no problem with it.

They complained that it was a mandatory company event and it had
to be done.

I wasn’t budging with my hate to wear the Santa outfit. It
wasn’t so much hate to wear the suit. It was them fucking with my priority
list.

During the back and forth, I was getting agitated and that
familiar feeling to walk out of the job was upon me. That unstable anger,
confusion, anxiety. The feelings that would force me to take a Lexapro.

But I calmed down, put on the suit and it turned out to be a
nice event. I did NO work. My departments were a mess and I left freight right where
I left it by order of the management. At 4pm, I went home.

You’ll say… “Now, was it that hard?”

I say to you, yes. Because I’m not that person anymore on two
levels.

First, I am smart enough to run my departments … my life …
with a measure of success. I no longer want guidance or someone to adjust how I
prioritize what I am doing except God himself. I don’t like being controlled by
others and forced to wear stupid outfits. I’m a grown man and this won’t happen
again. Ever.

The only way out of it, while in retail, is to become an
assistant manager. A position that pays well but I don’t know if that’s what I
want. The hassle is ridiculous. Besides, I’m trying to veer toward law.

Second, I did not like getting close to losing control.
That “I’ll quit” “Fuck this job” emotion I am all so familiar
with.

That’s not me anymore.

So, last night, after work, I took a hard look at myself and
realized my anxiety came from a lot of the same things: inability to do what I
need to do to succeed. I couldn’t sell my novel. I couldn’t keep a job. I hated
the jobs I was at. Not doing what meant important to me. That endless circle.

These days, I’ve created my game: going back to school, my climb
in Walmart. I’ve been in control of every aspect of where I am going — then
to get into that Santa suit felt demeaning. I wasn’t in control.

I felt stupid for two reasons: One is obvious. For getting in
that suit. The other was pushing back when I knew it wasn’t part of my game
plan. MY game plan.

My game plan.

MY game plan. I have to remember. All of this is part of MY game
plan.

I was supposed to say yes, get in the suit, shut the fuck up and
keep moving forward.

I did NOT shut the fuck up and argued fruitlessly.

I won’t do that again. The success I am moving in, at least with
Walmart and setting up for the future, is to manipulate the game in my favor.
So, if dressing up is part of it, I should not have fought it. At the very
least, I should have hired someone else to play Santa.

What happens now is I have management, even though they are
disgruntled themselves, seeing me as someone who is capable of being defiant.
No longer the ‘can do’ yes guy.

It’s okay. I just have to stay in my lane for a few months. Keep
silent and do what they expect of me to get back in order. It’s just, all day
yesterday, I saw the old me — confused, anxiety prone and angry with no
control over things — and I was itching.

Grateful Bullshit

Today, I sent my cousin — one of the few family members I keep in contact with semi-regularly — and email updating how I am doing. When I last emailed him, it was to see what he thought of my book I mailed to him. Never got a response. Since I am beyond writing these days, I reached out to tell him the good news of my academic and employment life.

Reading over a very long email — much of it encompasses everything in this journal — I realized I’m doing damn well. I was happy to share my happiness with him.

Okay, so in this journal I showcased my hate for people, which is true. But, as I explained in the email to my cousin, that will never change. I’m on a journey of doing things I dislike doing to gain a serendipitous lifestyle that didn’t happen when I tried to live my passion. As this journal began, It’s about getting an easier life by stop doing what I loved and doing what I don’t. As you can see, it’s working regardless of the hate I have for doing it.

Sure, it makes no sense in practicality, but i’m living proof that it’s working. Do I really want to work with people? Do I really give a damn about Walmart and having associates? Do I really give a fuck about joining Toastmasters or being a lawyer?

No on all counts. I want to be a writer and filmmaker. But that didn’t work out.

What is working out is everything I rejected. Almost at blinding speed, proving the life I tried 40+ years to build really wasn’t mine.

So, am I happy that I have medical insurance now for my kids, a rising credit score, debt being paid off and a stable job with advancement on the way? Am I happy that I am academically doing wonders and will soon have the credibility to gain lasting employment with higher pay? Am I happy that I will change the points of views of friends and family that don’t think I’m amounting to much?

To all of that, I have to say yes. I only wish I could have done all of that with the same serendipitous energy I put into the love of my life. I will forever have a burning hate for why my writing career did not come as easy as the brainless work I’m putting into the things that I don’t love…that are working out.

Let these words show that there is more to life going on in the background than we really know because this is bullshit.

But welcome bullshit. Bullshit that I am grateful for.

Race Dumbfuckery

October 12th 2017

I’m off today and tomorrow. Inventory for Walmart has finally come to an end and, as far as I’m concerned, the department has been reset to ‘zero’ and I am responsible (more or less) for the future of toys/sporting goods.

A few things happened recently. I’ve been working a lot of hours and way too tired to jot down anything to this journal.

The most important understanding I got this week is ignorant and stupid people come in both flavors of White and Black. My hate for White Ignorant people is a notch higher due to their history, but the results are the same: idiots and dumbfuckery.

My complaints about the low mentality of Blacks in the area is already documented. Shuffling dumb-fucks that can’t complain about hunger with their obese-asses.

Now, we have a lot of country-fuck White people: fucking long-beard mountain pussy’s that walk about as if this was still the civil war era.

Yesterday, this fuck was in my sporting good department and, typically, at the ammo lock-up. One thing you got to understand about White people as a whole and especially dumb-fuck country White people: they buy each other weapons as a fucking gift and constantly stocking up on ammo. Since I started this job, issuing ammo to people, you really get a look at a cross section of ‘fear’.

I’ve been saying for years upon years: if you need to carry, flash or praise the use of guns, you’re a coward.

It’s always about you need a gun for some future self-defense purpose but when the purpose arrives, the overwhelming majority of gun owners are usually the ones shooting up the place in the first place. Take Las Vegas for instance during a recent mass shooting — you can’t defend yourself from a sniper perch and those who won’t support gun control are likely the dead ones. Often always White.

Assholes.

So serves them right when they die.

Anyway, this fucker wants to see a knife in a lock up. I tell him, he can only see one at a time and he gets belligerent about it. Starts getting really loud and I tell him to lower his voice or he won’t get shit. He looks like he wants to call me a nigger but I’m bigger than him and I’m staring in his eyes like I’ll slice his throat with his own knife.

Another problem with White people, as this was the second time this sort of thing happened. They don’t think rules and policy apply to them. Even worse when a Black man is telling them to sit the fuck down. Now you know why they hated President Obama so much. ANY Black man over them is an issue.

So here I am: a Black man telling this asshole what to do.

So he wants to see the manager and I flatly tell him ‘no’. I lock up the cage and walk away.

I know this whole experience pissed him off. Oddly enough, it didn’t get me as mad as I thought it would. Yes, I was a little steamed but to be honest, I felt a little sad for the fool. Let’s go back to the ‘above and beyond’ conversation. This little man meant nothing to me and he was just more annoying than anything else.

White Nationalists are crying fowl that they are being erased from history and I agree with them. Like a cornered rat, they are lashing out with the gun violence and marches with their fagot tiki torches. How cute is that? Pussies.

In the end, I put the fear into that man and he just barked like the dog he was.

Next lesson for the week: I’m letting my hate for the police obscure my educational pursuits.

I just took a preliminary test asking questions about what the police can do for the community. I answered the questions based on what they ‘should’ be doing for the community as opposed to what they actually do and I got things wrong.

I’m not sure how mad I am that the police don’t really do shit for the community based on common sense or I’m mad that I got the answers wrong in the first place.

Either way, I have to adjust my thinking and come to grips that the ‘facts’ about the police suck and my hate is justified … but to pass these classes, I have to, once again, shut the fuck up and keep moving forward.

Slight Reversing

October 1st 2017

The other day, I mentioned I sent off an email to request a mentor for Toastmasters. I was given a response welcoming me and requested a time to do a phone conference to get to know me (as well as a request to pay an additional $51.00 on the day of the meeting). That meeting is coming up October 3rd…Tuesday.

I got that email Friday, I didn’t respond yet. Why?

At the heart of what’s going on, I have that ‘old man’ anger brewing. I don’t want to be bothered by people. I don’t want to smile and small talk. I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s the underlining hate that is spread throughout this journal.

Something I need to kill and stop fucking around if I want to do and go places.

Still, I dread the idea of needing to hear another person’s voice right now. Especially after spending a day being a ‘Yes ma’am’, ‘How can I help you?’ sounding asshole through the day at Walmart.

Oh, Walmart. I inherited a mess of extra little things with a forthcoming inventory and holiday season. I have to go in early Monday morning just to catch up without interference from management and customers. I worked Saturday. If I can weasel my way out of it, I will not work a full day on a Saturday again. It’s almost impossible to get anything done. It’s all customer service mode.

I would say “what did I get into” but I knew what I signed up for. Importantly, the reasons why.

Going back to Toastmasters, I would say “what did I get into” but I knew what I signed up for. Importantly, the reasons why.

Both are required things I must do to perfect my future. Like going back to college in the first place.

I need to shut the fuck up, squash that inner turmoil and walk the fuck forward. Both at job, academics and social growth.

I’ll respond to the email after this post.

Overall – A Good Week

I slapped a Google Analytics snippet on this blog to see if there are any visits or clicks and for the past week, zero. As of this date: 9/29/2017, there is no one reading my journal.

On one hand, it’s refreshing to post a journal online with complete anonymity to say as I please without direct confrontation for the thoughts and feelings I have at the moment of writing. Cause, looking back, I know I’ve said some shit.

No, there is no other hand to this story. I’d rather be free to express myself and write without getting feedback. What am I looking for? Attention? Am I that narcissist; typical of everyone else online — posting for shock value? What is the purpose of this journal if not for someone to read?

The purpose of this journal is a play-by-play journey of one man’s re-invention so others, who may have felt like me, can understand change can happen regardless of the vile thoughts and feelings one may have.

I think a lot of people lie to themselves in order to look clean in front of the masses. Especially when it comes to online presentations. For instance, if I posted that I beat the crap (literally) out of my cat and ditched him in some bushes, the online outrage could carry over into news articles! Seriously. The news gives paragraph space to small subjects just for viral sociability.

That would be terribly distracting to the purpose of this journal. At the same time, writing by hand, in a book, doesn’t allow others to see.

See what? That this man is, indeed, changing. Not necessarily in the interests of cat-lovers, but for the record, when I took Lando out of the car, he was alive and ran into the bushes. I had a dream last night that he found his way home. I certainly hope he doesn’t.

The changes are happening in my interactions with people and with adjusting to my responsibilities. College growth. Work growth. Stabilizing my often-slipping sanity. Those sort of things. Not needing Lexipro as often as I thought.

What I need to do next is round everything off with a better diet. I’ve been exploring a plant-based diet after watching “Forks over Knives” and other Netflix vegetarian programs.

I’m in-between meetings to the next toastmasters. I’ve warmed up to the feeling of getting a mentor and actually participating. I see the advantages of the experience.

Moving on, I met with the associates in my department (LaTonya and Murdock). Murdock seems like a typical-Jamaican asshole that will challenge anything. His every word, if any, is the sound of defiance. Every time I look up, he’s not where he’s supposed to be. LaTonya is cool but something about her is deceptive. Elusive. Smiling in my face, but she makes me uneasy. She does work, though.

So how do I handle having my own employees that I can’t 100% trust? I did the group meeting thing and advised of expectations. Sorta. The company has their own eval process that I’ll simply follow and leave it like that. Both associates do not work during the morning and I usually catch them on my way out.

I’ll be honest, unless they gave me a feeling of absolute compliance, I feel uncomfortable of the impending confrontations. In the past, I’ve always had to be in some sort of confrontation role with my own people. Black people, Jamaicans in particular, are assholes. Lazy fucks that don’t want to do shit and constantly throw their own people under the bus. It’s no wonder white people hate us.

Knowing this, what is this ‘reinvented man’ going to do? Fight…again? Get fired for fighting or saying something slick because the lazy fuck niggers I’m working with are assholes? Say nothing and look like a sucker-ass for not leading them?

Witness the ‘other’ nature of this journal. A place to think, vent and see my own words to make adjustments. You see, you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t hide your feelings or words. At the same time, you can’t let the people you’re referring to see or hear your words. This is just for ‘you’…so you can and ‘think’.

So, no. Going about my work day calling out the associates as Assholes won’t work.

I’ll play it by the numbers. Follow the corporate ready evaluation process and work with the associates and constantly imply that expectations needed to met in order for all of us to do our jobs efficiently. Follow the set Walmart eval plan, conduct them honorably and truthfully — let the slackers weed themselves out.

Keeping my personal thoughts to my journal. There is scripture: “It’s not what goes into the man that offends him. It’s what comes out.” The things I say openly can offend, not only them, but myself as well. I need to be a shining picture of grace as I move through this job.

That said, I had to hide a bunch of merchandise in my backroom. Stuff I had no time to work on and they didn’t want it on the sales floor. Like broken toys that need UPC codes. Shit I want to throw out but, of course, that won’t do. I just didn’t have the time. Hopefully, no one will find it and I’ll be able to work undisturbed. I’m going in early Saturday to handle that.

I just responded to the Toastmasters email(s) and requested a mentor. The next meeting is October 3rd. I have make sure I am mentally adjusted for this…particularly right after work. Come to think of it, I don’t even have any clothes to wear. That’s another re-invention topic.

Department Manager

Man, am I exhausted.

Today is September 26th 2017.

For the past two days, I’ve been getting to work earlier than my shift scheduled. Usually about 3:30am or 4am. My shift is scheduled 6:00am to 3pm.

Why? Because they finally allowed me to actually start working my department, this close to the forthcoming holiday season and a store-wide inventory approaching on October 11th. They originally gave me the position around September 20th, as mentioned earlier.

The department was without a manager for a month. So, I come in with inherited work undone. 500+ price changes. All sorts of other issues. Naturally, they wanted everything completed when they finally got around to getting me installed.

Slow, fucking Georgia. That’s all I gotta say.

I’ve had to gone in early to get work done without being disturbed by customers and endless extra requests by other managers. Oh, and don’t forget late CBL’s (Computer based training).

Again, through all of this: I’ve been here before. I know what I need to do to cover my ass and get the work done. Yes, it means a few days of going in early to play catch-up. The difference is, I am remembering that this is all temporary. What I’m doing toward a law degree is more important.

My grades are still sharp though, I admit, with these early days at work, I’ve almost let a few assignments slip. Nothing terrible. Whereas I do my homework a few days in advance, I almost got caught with two assignments due the next day. Cut it too close.

I’m not planning to do early days for long. I have Tiffany here with me for the week so it’s not fair to her that I’m tired all the time. Still, things need to get done. I foresee another week of this and I’ll be right on time for Christmas prep/Inventory.

I took Donna and Tiffany to dinner at Legal Seafood the previous night. Kind of a celebration of both their birthdays. I usually can’t afford to treat anybody anything. I felt good to be able to do so and still have some money in my pocket.

If working like this is providing me the means to do something for my wife, I’m okay with being this tired. Just as long as I stay on track with the prime directive: Walmart is only about making money, gain leadership credibility. Pay for law school. Get the fuck out after the LSAT.

What’s that? Around the year 2020? Shit. I better be a goddamn Store Manager by that point if it’s going to be like this.

How much do Store Manager’s make? Six figures, from what I understand.

Fuck it. Go for it. Jump to law and do that and more.

If only I can keep my eyes open.

Toastmaster

I received the email making me an official “Toastmaster” member. Along with the email were some food for thought: the opportunities to hold a position/office in the membership.

Now, if you read ANYTHING in this journal, you know my point of view about working with people. Do so if I must, but I hate it. Why would I bother to take on a position that requires me to interact with people? And not get paid for it, too?

Well, this is what this journal is for: to vent and think out the proper strategy.

What was the point of joining Toastmasters if I am not going to be active? I can’t just be a member and not master a toast. I mean, the original plan was to do just that. Not do any speaking, learn and take what I learn to where ever.

The ‘where ever’ is actually right now, to be honest.

I’ll need to speak at Walmart to my associates. To other associates and managers and not sound like an ass. I need to know how to deal with people in a group setting and speak intelligently without getting all nervous.

I’ll need to be able to speak as a professional lawyer.

In short, time to grow the fuck up and merge into society to be the professional I’m spiraling nonstop into. It’s only for the best. The ‘plan’ requires I ‘Be’ … so to undercut any process toward ‘being’ will only keep me back.

I’ll respond to the email and follow the process: request a mentor, look to be a part of the organization and take on a role, etc, etc.

Meanwhile, at the job, word has gotten out that I had prior experience. At first, people were surprised that I was promoted so soon… then they dug deeper and found out my background. I’m not completely sure what people think of me anymore. Maybe it’s because I stopped caring.

Looking above and beyond, remember?

Got two more A’s in my classes. Solid performance thus far. I won’t stop and I’ll carry this perfection over to Toastmasters.