Even Better

April 7th, 2019

Life for me has improved.

I look back at the year and a half of misery, confusion, suicidal thoughts, etc and need to ask myself what changed to get me centered. I don’t even take any nootropics. No adderall. No drugs. Nothing.

Not even meditation.

What I do know about life is, there are “up’s and downs’…feast and famine. Normalcy and insanity. Times where life is good and when times are bad. Don’t get me wrong, these things are still happening.

The difference is the length of feast over famine …the amount of good days over bad … that I am controlling. Yup, it all circles back to ‘me’ and how I handle it all.

Let’s start with the first easy workable change: I’m working consistently.

Not exactly an IT job — more like a whole lot of grunt work — but I’m paid weekly good money. Also have a second job opportunity with another company to work with the census soon. I’ll have to drop one for the other if I decide to take it. I’m going through the application process. Jumped through a few of the usual federal application hurdles already so it looks good.

Both jobs will have me traveling. Both jobs have ups and downs to them.

But this journal entry has nothing to do with the jobs as much as how I have been handling life with these jobs and the people I work with.

As you know, I can’t stand people and that still stands.

So, the job I’m working with now has the largest collections of jerks and assholes anyone could possibly work with.

How do I manage? That, my friend, is where I reveal the good stuff.

It’s a little bit of everything I learned over the year especially during my time at Walmart. Remember that time I expressed the best way to ignore the people around me is to use my height and look above and beyond them?

The idea was if I looked above the heads of people and not AT people, I can focus on what’s important and stop worrying about who’s looking at me. Of course, it worked and over the year I’ve removed needing to have eye contact with anyone unless I need to speak directly.

As a result, i carry myself as arrogant, I’m sure. But guess what? The expression of arrogance and unapproachable works for me and it works on the job place.

I work with grown-ass men and they like to pick on one another. Stupid jokes, etc, etc. Some people are worse targets than others.

In past jobs, I would get mad and say something and create enemies or quit if people tried to label me as a target to joke on.

Quitting jobs put me in this financial hole. Then I’m looking for work. The circle goes round and round.

In order to keep a job, I had to improve how I handle people.

The trick for me is the ‘above and beyond’ routine — expressing a singular focus to do the job I am working on. No socializing. No joking around. Anti-social 100%.

It sounds terrible, but even my expression emits “If it isn’t about work, don’t fuck with me”

And it’s working.

People talk to me, immediately and on first contact, with cautious respect. Do you understand how much that means to me? To be left the fuck alone, but when they need to say something, it comes from a place of joke-free respect?

The problem up till now has been I left myself open to be non-confrontational, friendly black man. Not too unlike President Obama, who was disrespected every hour of his presidency by even high ranking leaders.

It’s a sad world — where you need to be considered a bitch/bastard to gain respect. And trust me, it’s never that people give respect that’s earned. You could be a Black president of the United States and still have another world leader NOT shake your hand in public.

Or you could be a new employee, greet people and do the job, and someone will find a need to say something smart-ass.

The focus on doing the job also provides consistent good results toward my financial needs so why the fuck would I care what anyone thinks of me if I’m just doing the job and keeping to myself?

The secret to my current success, believe it or not, has been a healthy amount of “Fuck everyone” and “leave me alone”. The results are showing in my freedom of thought and clear mind to get what’s important to me done.

Still haven’t been on Facebook in going on two years soon. I really have nothing to say to anyone — and I’m happy! Money is rolling in. I’m writing a little here and there and I have an animation project I’m eyeing at the end of the month to start.

People do suck — so let them burn.

Which kind of brings me to my wife’s grand-kids.

As you know, they were staying with us and these ghetto trap kids are about to go home soon. Thank god.

I had a recent heart-to-heart with my wife about what led up to this and how it will never happen again.

She literally blames me for saying “Yes” to allowing these brats stay here. No lie. if we talk about it, the conversation flow is always “Well, you should have said something different.”

This goes back to being the ‘non-confrontational asshole I was a year ago.

Her daughter’s third child was sick. She needed help with the other two. Where else were the kids to go? Of course I said yes. I didn’t want it. But what else could I have done?

Now I know what I could do: fuck no.

Especially if, being her husband, she’s telling me saying ‘no’ to help her family was on the table. That it even an option???

Then fine. Fuck it.

She has a son in New York. Age 22. I hear he’s fucking up. When we go to New York to drop the fuck-brats off, she will want to consider the idea of bringing her son back with us.

I was already over this and talked to her a few weeks ago and said: It can’t happen. Sorry about what your son is going through, but when we go to NY, it needs to only be us coming back home. I can’t live with another person under our roof no more.”

I said it politely. I know she’s troubled. Hell, it’s her son. I feel like a dick because it is her son.

But fuck it. No.

I hear her daughter is going though some shit, too.

Fuck it. No.

Not going to happen.

The price for being sane and happy is to be an asshole in the eyes of others.

What you are experiencing is the death of the “nice guy” and the birth of a person I never knew.

Someone happy.

Odd Few Days

June 22nd, 2018

I think my ex just asked me out. Not the ex from the previous conversation (wife #2). Ex-Wife #3. Yeah … I’ve had a full life. Fuller than most.

Until I can discern what this is about, I’ll be spending the day with our daughter and my ex (my daughter’s mother) will happen to be there at the same time. We’ve gone to functions together for the sake of our daughter before. Not a big deal.

But this one was different. I was invited to a theme park that she even bought the ticket for me. I have to pay her back, but a day she had planned to go to the park, she sorta kinda asked me if I wanted to go too.

I’m going so I can have fun with my daughter. I just wanted to make a note—document — my suspicions. There have been other hints in the recent past that I just rolled off, but this kind of underscores suspicions.

Moving along, my daily guitar practice is going well and I love my instrument. How professional guitarists do their thing is beyond me. These early first steps are foreign to me (finger placement, fret holding, etc) but Fender Play assures me a few minutes each day will improve. I put in about fifteen minutes twice a day or so before work.

Oh, about work, which is really where the odd part comes in. Going there is starting to do damage. My hand swole up like a little balloon. The knuckle grew large and it was hard to close my hand. I think either something bit me or I got scratched with a nail. There’s a lot of garbage I sweep and put out at the job. It could have been anything.

So, I stayed home today because I just couldn’ use my hand at all. Kept it under ice and slept much of the day. I felt bad about not going in. It’s not like I make enough money anymore for the days I do go in. It’s worse now with the child support being taken out. Financially, I’m in that ruined area of life. Too expensive to GO to work.

Yeah, school and certifications all sound great and encouraging. But the right here and right now is hard as fuck.

Plus I’m physically tired all the time. Probably why I slept so much today. Still tired.

I’m calling the nootropic stack I bought a failure. At least for me. I think my body is super immune to simple 200mg caffeine pills when they show no effect with coffee on top of it. The Coluracetam works. But even that fades with too much use and doesn’t give energy.

A personal WORKING stack I would recommend:

1 300 mg Coluractam & one serving of Redline Energy Drink.

Let me tell you about Redline Energy. It works. Harder than Red Bull, a touch longer than five-hour energy. Actually, Redline gives you the same kick of drinking both Red Bull and 5-hour energy drink at the same time.

As you can see, I am a heavyweight energy drinker. Not long ago, I read some kid overdosed on caffeine from soda. Either he died from just too much soda alone or he was a lightweight. I’ve downed so much energy drinks, with Adderall, at one time I should never go to sleep again. But, at this time, all of it just runs through me.

My wife and I are going to go see Jurassic World tonight when she comes home from work. I’m going to take a little nap before she gets in.

See? Just can’t keep my eyes open.

Support

March 2nd 2018

My body hurts.

So yes, the verdict is: if you feel like killing yourself, nothing will make you turn from that notion more than killing your body in a workout. Even a little bit more than you’re used to doing, cause believe me I’m not doing much.

Mental status: stable, upwardly more positive than the last week and … believe it or not … interested in doing a little creative writing.

Yeah, so…I know this is my personal journal but here’s a moment about my wife and the topic of supporting someone. A topic I had plenty of arguments about in the past with others.

So, she started a small business in December. A handmade soap business. She’s very creative with it. She started it as a hobby because she really liked doing it. I encouraged her to make it a business and helped her along the way with startup ideas and processes necessary that I was familiar with from (you guessed it) my plentiful years in retail. Also I had a lot of opportunities to start (and fail) in small business ideas. My guidance and support is giving knowledge where I failed and where I succeeded. I even recognized with her that I could only take her so far but I will fully support what she’s doing.

Three months later, she’s making sales online and at her job. Like, real money and I see it ramping up.

I am sincerely proud of her and I tell her every day.

Coming up, in my writing, I never — EVER — got that kind of support from others. I had to fight to get someone to read my work. Fight to get someone edit. Well, let me take a step back and say my first wife was supportive until “I” wasn’t — but generally speaking, with my inner and outer circle of peoples, it was a struggle to get just a reading.

As I write this, I concede to the idea that there may have been supportive people around me and I became a ghost. Meaning, socially, I am a genius at vanishing from the public eye both online and in real life.Yeah. I can say that’s a fact. You can’t support someone who isn’t there, right?

You can’t get ‘likes’ or reviews on your work if you’re not writing or promoting the work, either.

What of the past work I keep bringing up?

Producing something is usually “what have you done for me lately-ish”. You put something out today, it may get some attention ‘today’, but tomorrow it fades off for the next thing. Unless you’re talking about it and keeping it relevant, then all things fade.

My old work faded. I stopped talking, socializing, etc. So there’s that.

Obviously this conversation and the self-analysis is miles away from the dismal feelings I have had the past week. Working out in some form each day is going to be mandatory addition.

So what am I going to do?

Workout.

Create new work.

Keep chugging.

Regarding school, you know… I got a ‘C’ in a biology assignment yesterday.

I won’t drag out the details, but let’s just say by this morning, I got it to a ‘B’.

The problem was directly mixed between my emotions and mental state and the same problem I had when I last got a B in a class: disagreement in formatting. I read the instructions and performed the task as I was supposed to. I challenged the grade and it was changed.

The reason I didn’t get an ‘A’ was because I was in a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ mood last week and it showed in a discussion response.

Not to worry, the GPA remains a firm 4.0, but if I fuck around and start getting ‘C’s, well then the GPA will start looking like 3.8-3.9 and there’s a portion right under my heart that is threatening me to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So, yes. You can fail with your eyes, heart and mind closed.

Department Manager

Man, am I exhausted.

Today is September 26th 2017.

For the past two days, I’ve been getting to work earlier than my shift scheduled. Usually about 3:30am or 4am. My shift is scheduled 6:00am to 3pm.

Why? Because they finally allowed me to actually start working my department, this close to the forthcoming holiday season and a store-wide inventory approaching on October 11th. They originally gave me the position around September 20th, as mentioned earlier.

The department was without a manager for a month. So, I come in with inherited work undone. 500+ price changes. All sorts of other issues. Naturally, they wanted everything completed when they finally got around to getting me installed.

Slow, fucking Georgia. That’s all I gotta say.

I’ve had to gone in early to get work done without being disturbed by customers and endless extra requests by other managers. Oh, and don’t forget late CBL’s (Computer based training).

Again, through all of this: I’ve been here before. I know what I need to do to cover my ass and get the work done. Yes, it means a few days of going in early to play catch-up. The difference is, I am remembering that this is all temporary. What I’m doing toward a law degree is more important.

My grades are still sharp though, I admit, with these early days at work, I’ve almost let a few assignments slip. Nothing terrible. Whereas I do my homework a few days in advance, I almost got caught with two assignments due the next day. Cut it too close.

I’m not planning to do early days for long. I have Tiffany here with me for the week so it’s not fair to her that I’m tired all the time. Still, things need to get done. I foresee another week of this and I’ll be right on time for Christmas prep/Inventory.

I took Donna and Tiffany to dinner at Legal Seafood the previous night. Kind of a celebration of both their birthdays. I usually can’t afford to treat anybody anything. I felt good to be able to do so and still have some money in my pocket.

If working like this is providing me the means to do something for my wife, I’m okay with being this tired. Just as long as I stay on track with the prime directive: Walmart is only about making money, gain leadership credibility. Pay for law school. Get the fuck out after the LSAT.

What’s that? Around the year 2020? Shit. I better be a goddamn Store Manager by that point if it’s going to be like this.

How much do Store Manager’s make? Six figures, from what I understand.

Fuck it. Go for it. Jump to law and do that and more.

If only I can keep my eyes open.