Tag: workout

Support

March 2nd 2018

My body hurts. 

So yes, the verdict is: if you feel like killing yourself, nothing will make you turn from that notion more than killing your body in a workout. Even a little bit more than you’re used to doing, cause believe me I’m not doing much. 

Mental status: stable, upwardly more positive than the last week and … believe it or not … interested in doing a little creative writing.

Yeah, so…I know this is my personal journal but here’s a moment about my wife and the topic of supporting someone. A topic I had plenty of arguments about in the past with others.

So, she started a small business in December. A handmade soap business. She’s very creative with it. She started it as a hobby because she really liked doing it. I encouraged her to make it a business and helped her along the way with startup ideas and processes necessary that I was familiar with from (you guessed it) my plentiful years in retail. Also I had a lot of opportunities to start (and fail) in small business ideas. My guidance and support is giving knowledge where I failed and where I succeeded. I even recognized with her that I could only take her so far but I will fully support what she’s doing.

Three months later, she’s making sales online and at her job. Like, real money and I see it ramping up. 

I am sincerely proud of her and I tell her every day.

Coming up, in my writing, I never — EVER — got that kind of support from others. I had to fight to get someone to read my work. Fight to get someone edit. Well, let me take a step back and say my first wife was supportive until “I” wasn’t — but generally speaking, with my inner and outer circle of peoples, it was a struggle to get just a reading.

As I write this, I concede to the idea that there may have been supportive people around me and I became a ghost. Meaning, socially, I am a genius at vanishing from the public eye both online and in real life.Yeah. I can say that’s a fact. You can’t support someone who isn’t there, right?

You can’t get ‘likes’ or reviews on your work if you’re not writing or promoting the work, either.

What of the past work I keep bringing up?

Producing something is usually “what have you done for me lately-ish”. You put something out today, it may get some attention ‘today’, but tomorrow it fades off for the next thing. Unless you’re talking about it and keeping it relevant, then all things fade.

My old work faded. I stopped talking, socializing, etc. So there’s that.

Obviously this conversation and the self-analysis is miles away from the dismal feelings I have had the past week. Working out in some form each day is going to be mandatory addition. 

So what am I going to do?

Workout.

Create new work.

Keep chugging.

Regarding school, you know… I got a ‘C’ in a biology assignment yesterday. 

I won’t drag out the details, but let’s just say by this morning, I got it to a ‘B’. 

The problem was directly mixed between my emotions and mental state and the same problem I had when I last got a B in a class: disagreement in formatting. I read the instructions and performed the task as I was supposed to. I challenged the grade and it was changed. 

The reason I didn’t get an ‘A’ was because I was in a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ mood last week and it showed in a discussion response.

Not to worry, the GPA remains a firm 4.0, but if I fuck around and start getting ‘C’s, well then the GPA will start looking like 3.8-3.9 and there’s a portion right under my heart that is threatening me to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So, yes. You can fail with your eyes, heart and mind closed. 

Trying Something New

February 28th, 2018

After sitting here drinking brandy all day and considering a bunch of benadryl with it, I had an alternate idea after the drinking put me to sleep again.

I have demons telling me things. Telling me negative things about myself. Seriously. A voice in my head hating everything I say, do, am. I don’t finish things because I think I’m going to fail. That no one will read or like the work that I do. Calling me a failure for not reaching my film career while everyone else is passing me by. Failed at a writing career. Failed at being a father. Failed at being a husband. Failed, failed, failed. A darkness that just hovers over me and I just don’t want to do anything but slit my fucking throat and get it over with. Ugly, penetrating demons.

Maybe I literally have to exercise demons out of me. 

Hell, I’m unemployed still. Why not. 

So, I did some digging around online and ultimately put together a three-week program for myself that mostly encompasses eating a lot of meals, sit ups, push ups and treadmill. The regular push ups are familiar to me from my military days. You can get a satisfactory workout with just those few things. 

Since I have trouble committing to anything right now, I figure the three weeks I’m giving myself will be enough to see if I can manage it and it’s low profile enough without spending money I don’t have on stuff I might not use. Like creatine, MCT and other shit that’s expensive extras to working out.

I found some diet that Dwayne Johnson is known to eating (Fucking 6-7 meals a day!!!). I adapted it slightly to fit what I had available and I’ll just go for it. 

The idea is to push myself out of killing myself. 

Because these past few weeks have been dark. And I don’t even like to drink! But here I am, drinking myself to sleep mid-day and wanting to slash my wrists.

Somehow, through the bleakness, my brain gave an idea to start working out — apparently trying to salvage itself.

So, I start this evening and full into it tomorrow. If I haven’t much to say in this journal, at the very least, I’ll cover how my mental state is during the workouts. I’ll post what this workout is after three weeks — once I see if I can navigate it myself first.

Current state of mind: hopeful.

Even  took a ‘before’ picture of myself. We’ll see how this ‘works out’ lol. Pun intended.